WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:02.020 So I grew up kind of in the hood, 00:00:02.120 --> 00:00:03.920 and I started middle school when I was 11, 00:00:03.921 --> 00:00:07.080 in 1998, when gangster rap was really big. 00:00:07.081 --> 00:00:08.920 And so all the boys really wanted head 00:00:08.921 --> 00:00:11.500 because that's what was being talked about in gangster rap. 00:00:11.880 --> 00:00:15.120 And they even had this horrible game where they would kind of tackle a girl 00:00:15.121 --> 00:00:16.399 and they would take her shoes 00:00:16.400 --> 00:00:18.820 and they would throw her shoes in the boys bathroom. 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:22.979 And then a guy would go in there and try and get her to give him head. 00:00:23.360 --> 00:00:24.480 And it was really complicated 00:00:24.481 --> 00:00:26.720 because on the one hand, you sort of wanted to be chosen, 00:00:26.721 --> 00:00:29.180 but then what happens in the bathroom? 00:00:29.560 --> 00:00:30.160 And one time 00:00:30.161 --> 00:00:33.840 this boy did tackle me and did take my shoes and did throw them in the bathroom. 00:00:33.841 --> 00:00:36.500 But he was big and scary and terrifying 00:00:36.600 --> 00:00:40.080 and so I didn't go in. And then I went the whole rest of the day without shoes. 00:00:40.081 --> 00:00:43.560 And I ended up getting in trouble and taken to the principal's office. 00:00:43.561 --> 00:00:46.440 Because our school is really strict about the dress code. 00:00:46.441 --> 00:00:50.400 We had to wear, like, black pants and a white top to deal with all the gang stuff. 00:00:50.401 --> 00:00:51.980 We weren't allowed to wear any colour. 00:00:52.120 --> 00:00:54.380 And they were really big on being presentation ready. 00:00:54.680 --> 00:00:57.460 So I ended up getting detention for not wearing shoes, 00:00:58.120 --> 00:00:59.680 shit like that. So anyway, 00:00:59.681 --> 00:01:03.240 it's my 13th birthday, and I'm kind of the rocker chick in the group. 00:01:03.241 --> 00:01:05.200 I'm intensely Into Nirvana. 00:01:05.201 --> 00:01:06.000 At this point, 00:01:06.001 --> 00:01:10.200 I carry around the Nirvana biography come as you are in my backpack, 00:01:10.201 --> 00:01:13.200 hoping that someone will find it and choose me and love me. 00:01:13.201 --> 00:01:16.420 Like it's the purse episode of Boy Meets World. 00:01:16.880 --> 00:01:19.800 But one of the things that they wrote in that book come as you are, 00:01:19.801 --> 00:01:22.500 is that they would get high by taking fistfuls of Tylenol. 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:25.800 So it's my 13th birthday, someone brings tequila. 00:01:25.801 --> 00:01:27.200 I'm taking, like, 00:01:27.201 --> 00:01:30.880 fistfuls of Tylenol. Someone else brings weed brownies. 00:01:30.881 --> 00:01:32.680 They didn't know how to make weed brownies. 00:01:32.681 --> 00:01:35.620 They just did brownie mix where they plopped a bunch of weed in. 00:01:36.080 --> 00:01:37.480 And we're wasted. We're, like, 00:01:37.481 --> 00:01:39.900 setting fire extinguishers off out the window. 00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:41.800 And then this guy named Nino, 00:01:41.801 --> 00:01:43.600 who I don't like to begin with, 00:01:43.601 --> 00:01:44.360 but invited, 00:01:44.361 --> 00:01:50.000 he kind of corners me and gets me into the bathroom of my own house and is like, 00:01:50.001 --> 00:01:52.400 suck it! And I'm kinda like, no, no. 00:01:52.401 --> 00:01:54.040 But he sorta gets me down 00:01:54.041 --> 00:01:58.300 and I end up sucking it for like 30 seconds before I come to 00:01:58.400 --> 00:01:58.920 and I'm like, wait, 00:01:58.921 --> 00:02:01.040 I don't wanna do this. And I try and get to the door, 00:02:01.041 --> 00:02:03.700 and he blocks the door. We have the scuffle. 00:02:03.920 --> 00:02:06.260 I end up being able to get out of the door, 00:02:06.800 --> 00:02:10.240 but then he follows me and he tells everyone at the party that I did it. 00:02:10.241 --> 00:02:17.440 That I sucked him and me in my now newly freshly 13 year old traumatized state, 00:02:17.441 --> 00:02:18.680 and like, no, No, 00:02:18.681 --> 00:02:20.300 I didn't. You're a liar! 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:22.960 And when I get to school on Monday, 00:02:22.961 --> 00:02:25.060 he's told everybody the same thing. 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:27.480 And I stick to my story, which is, no, 00:02:27.481 --> 00:02:29.960 it didn't happen. And it becomes this awful he said, 00:02:29.961 --> 00:02:32.720 she said, and the slut shame is bad. 00:02:32.721 --> 00:02:33.240 There's, like, 00:02:33.241 --> 00:02:35.480 graffiti about me in the bathroom. 00:02:35.481 --> 00:02:36.000 He's, like, 00:02:36.001 --> 00:02:37.880 getting all these other guys against me. 00:02:37.881 --> 00:02:38.880 They start doing things, 00:02:38.881 --> 00:02:42.720 like guys will grab me and push me up against the vending machine and say, like, 00:02:42.721 --> 00:02:44.380 I know you're a …, 00:02:44.640 --> 00:02:48.640 and like, try and get me to go down on them and even, like, 00:02:48.641 --> 00:02:50.800 take water bottles and, like, 00:02:50.801 --> 00:02:52.880 throw it on my shirt, which is a white shirt. 00:02:52.881 --> 00:02:54.480 So it's like, wet T-shirt contest 00:02:54.481 --> 00:02:55.900 Wet T-shirt contest 00:02:56.920 --> 00:02:59.560 And none of us girls are actually friends, right? 00:02:59.561 --> 00:03:00.640 I have this group of friends. 00:03:00.641 --> 00:03:02.620 There are girls there, but we're frenemies. 00:03:03.080 --> 00:03:04.840 And we're all so male centered. 00:03:04.841 --> 00:03:05.760 We're all on diets. 00:03:05.761 --> 00:03:10.320 We all have our G strings pulled up to our freaking bra straps and, like, 00:03:10.321 --> 00:03:12.080 sucking on baby bottle pops, 00:03:12.081 --> 00:03:13.820 making eyes at these guys. 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:16.820 We used to hang out in the laundromat after school 00:03:17.080 --> 00:03:19.580 and just compete for their attention. 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:20.920 And every once in a while, 00:03:20.921 --> 00:03:22.360 one of us would have a creative idea. 00:03:22.361 --> 00:03:24.600 Like this one girl, she was like, oh, 00:03:24.601 --> 00:03:27.200 I'm on my period, and I'm trying to put a tampon in, 00:03:27.201 --> 00:03:28.820 and I can't find the hole. 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:29.600 And then she, like, 00:03:29.601 --> 00:03:32.240 bring boys into the bathroom of This laundromat, 00:03:32.241 --> 00:03:34.340 trying to get them to help her find the hole. 00:03:35.080 --> 00:03:37.960 It's bad and depressing and lonely and terrifying. 00:03:37.961 --> 00:03:41.160 And also crazy, because if you look at middle schoolers now, 00:03:41.161 --> 00:03:43.480 they look like children. We were children, 00:03:43.481 --> 00:03:45.500 but at the time, we felt so adult. 00:03:45.920 --> 00:03:49.480 And I get through this and make it to a more alternative public high school, 00:03:49.481 --> 00:03:52.520 where I meet a guy, let's call him Jake, 00:03:52.521 --> 00:03:55.480 and I fall in love. We fall in love hard. 00:03:55.481 --> 00:03:58.800 Psychotic first love. And everyone talks about puppy love, 00:03:58.801 --> 00:03:59.840 like it's this cute thing, 00:03:59.841 --> 00:04:02.560 but in my experience, it's traumatic. 00:04:02.561 --> 00:04:04.280 Like, people's first love is traumatic. 00:04:04.281 --> 00:04:06.480 You're having more feelings than you've ever had in your life. 00:04:06.481 --> 00:04:08.860 Like, peak puberty hormones, 00:04:08.920 --> 00:04:11.200 no guidance, no wisdom. 00:04:11.201 --> 00:04:15.580 We're always in some complex emotional melodrama by lunch. 00:04:15.600 --> 00:04:16.480 And he's also, like, 00:04:16.481 --> 00:04:17.960 my first real friend. He's, like, 00:04:17.961 --> 00:04:19.240 the first person who I feel like, 00:04:19.241 --> 00:04:22.540 sees and knows me. And, um, 00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:25.520 we end up sleeping together when I'm 14. 00:04:25.521 --> 00:04:29.720 When I'm 15, we try and run away to Georgia to get married with this, like, 00:04:29.721 --> 00:04:33.880 ring he buys me from a bubblegum thing. 00:04:33.881 --> 00:04:37.820 And from the beginning, he asked me about what he calls the Nino thing. 00:04:37.960 --> 00:04:39.960 And me, because I've been denying it, 00:04:39.961 --> 00:04:41.120 I say no, like, 00:04:41.121 --> 00:04:42.640 I have been. But every once in a while, 00:04:42.641 --> 00:04:45.000 he'll ask again. And as we're going on, 00:04:45.001 --> 00:04:47.440 like, into sophomore year and we're falling more deeply in love, 00:04:47.441 --> 00:04:51.320 I feel like I want to tell him I want that part of me to be seen and known. 00:04:51.321 --> 00:04:52.480 And so I build up my courage, 00:04:52.481 --> 00:04:56.160 and I'm practicing my story when I'm taking a shower to myself in the mirror. 00:04:56.161 --> 00:04:57.040 And the next time he asks, 00:04:57.041 --> 00:05:00.920 I say yes. And I start going into the story that I prepared. 00:05:00.921 --> 00:05:03.040 But instead, he freaks out. 00:05:03.041 --> 00:05:04.040 Like, scary 00:05:04.041 --> 00:05:04.880 Freaks out, like, 00:05:04.881 --> 00:05:08.320 crying and howling. And we're in this Mexican restaurant, 00:05:08.321 --> 00:05:10.260 and he crumples to the floor, 00:05:10.640 --> 00:05:12.720 whimpering like a dog and starts, like, 00:05:12.721 --> 00:05:15.420 crawling to the door. And I'm terrified. 00:05:15.440 --> 00:05:16.960 And I take him back to my house. 00:05:16.961 --> 00:05:20.860 And then he starts screaming that I'm a … and a … 00:05:21.080 --> 00:05:22.760 and that he'll never love me again 00:05:22.761 --> 00:05:25.800 and I'm a piece of ... And in the morning, 00:05:25.801 --> 00:05:29.240 he says he deserves a period of what he calls retaliation, 00:05:29.241 --> 00:05:34.860 which is basically a permission slip for abuse without any foreseeable end. 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:37.240 And this period of retaliation includes things like 00:05:37.241 --> 00:05:39.960 I'm supposed to set him up on dates with other girls, 00:05:39.961 --> 00:05:43.400 that I'm supposed to orchestrate group sex with me and other girls, 00:05:43.401 --> 00:05:44.380 that I have to 00:05:45.320 --> 00:05:47.440 on demand whenever he wants, 00:05:47.441 --> 00:05:49.060 that I need to cook for him. 00:05:49.520 --> 00:05:52.400 And because two things about Jake. 00:05:52.401 --> 00:05:54.160 The first is that he is, to this day, 00:05:54.161 --> 00:05:56.380 the most intense alcoholic I've ever met. 00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:57.360 I think at the time, 00:05:57.361 --> 00:06:01.060 I didn't understand how bad it was because I didn't have any context, 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:01.720 but he would, like, 00:06:01.721 --> 00:06:04.720 wake up at five in the morning to Drink an entire hand, 00:06:04.721 --> 00:06:09.060 an entire handle of Taka vodka before school started at 8. 00:06:09.280 --> 00:06:10.740 And also, 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:15.100 he's moved in with me because his relationship with his dad is really bad. 00:06:15.520 --> 00:06:19.160 And so I comply because I think I deserve it. 00:06:19.161 --> 00:06:20.440 I think I have, like, 00:06:20.441 --> 00:06:22.640 ruined our trust and broke his heart. 00:06:22.641 --> 00:06:25.820 And that I am us and a piece of ... 00:06:26.320 --> 00:06:27.440 And, um, 00:06:27.441 --> 00:06:31.220 his alcoholism gets even worse and kind of out of control. 00:06:31.440 --> 00:06:32.200 And I'm, like, 00:06:32.201 --> 00:06:33.760 16 now, living in basically, 00:06:33.761 --> 00:06:38.020 like, a domestic violence situation with an alcoholic in my own home. 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:41.440 And he'll do things like I'll get calls at four in the morning 00:06:41.441 --> 00:06:43.960 to pick him up from parties or other girls houses 00:06:43.961 --> 00:06:48.040 and then bring him home. And he's a really mean drunk. 00:06:48.041 --> 00:06:49.120 Like, when he gets drunk, 00:06:49.121 --> 00:06:49.720 he will, like, 00:06:49.721 --> 00:06:52.980 go into this mode where he just verbally berates me. 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:54.680 And he'll. I'll try and get him in the car, 00:06:54.681 --> 00:06:55.200 and he's, like, 00:06:55.201 --> 00:06:57.180 flailing and pushing me around. 00:06:57.520 --> 00:07:03.680 And I feel like if I can be good and I can show him that I love him, 00:07:03.681 --> 00:07:05.340 then he'll come back to me 00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:07.400 and I will have done my penance for this, like, 00:07:07.401 --> 00:07:09.220 horrible crime against love. 00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:11.080 And then it comes to light 00:07:11.081 --> 00:07:13.640 that he played basketball at the boys and girls *club* 00:07:13.641 --> 00:07:15.880 with Nino and a bunch of Nino's friends. 00:07:15.881 --> 00:07:17.760 And that they've been making fun of dating me, 00:07:17.761 --> 00:07:19.560 of him dating me from the beginning, 00:07:19.561 --> 00:07:22.640 which is how he even knew About it to begin with, 00:07:22.641 --> 00:07:25.480 and is also part of why he pushed for us to have sex so early, 00:07:25.481 --> 00:07:27.500 because he thought if we were having sex, 00:07:27.640 --> 00:07:29.620 then they couldn't step to him. 00:07:30.280 --> 00:07:33.600 And years later, he sobers up 00:07:33.601 --> 00:07:35.540 and we reconnect. When I'm back in the city 00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:38.700 and I'm expecting amends or something like that. 00:07:38.880 --> 00:07:41.040 Um, but they don't come. 00:07:41.041 --> 00:07:42.440 And so I bring it up with him, 00:07:42.441 --> 00:07:46.140 thinking he might not even remember the worst of it because he was so blasted. 00:07:46.320 --> 00:07:50.500 Or he might have reflected on it and have some piece of the puzzle for me. 00:07:50.960 --> 00:07:53.540 And instead, it's like we're 16 again. 00:07:53.800 --> 00:07:57.040 And he says he can't believe that I did that to him, 00:07:57.041 --> 00:08:00.640 that I embarrassed him like that in front of his friends, 00:08:00.641 --> 00:08:02.580 and that I made him look like a fool. 00:08:03.080 --> 00:08:05.460 That all these years later, 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.100 what stuck in his head about that experience 00:08:09.400 --> 00:08:12.940 was not what I had been flagulating myself for. 00:08:12.960 --> 00:08:16.320 About breaking his trust, or the damage done to our love, 00:08:16.321 --> 00:08:19.220 or the fact that he had come from such a difficult home life 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:21.880 and finally felt like he had sanctuary with me, 00:08:21.881 --> 00:08:25.660 and yet I had ruined it by keeping this lie from him. 00:08:25.800 --> 00:08:27.960 No, what stuck in his head was 00:08:27.961 --> 00:08:32.420 losing face in the eyes of these other fatherless boys. 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:34.739 That's what he remembered. 00:08:35.039 --> 00:08:37.199 And years later, I was with another friend, 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:38.979 and we were catching up in New York City, 00:08:39.199 --> 00:08:42.019 and they actually brought it Up and apologized to me. 00:08:42.280 --> 00:08:44.400 That they didn't recognise it at the time, 00:08:44.401 --> 00:08:45.580 but that's abuse. 00:08:45.640 --> 00:08:49.960 And they remember seeing me at so many parties and at so many people's houses 00:08:49.961 --> 00:08:54.140 where he would get drunk and he'd be towering over me with a drink in his hand, 00:08:54.320 --> 00:08:55.580 screaming at me. 00:08:55.640 --> 00:09:00.280 And they would watch me get more stoic and kind of draw in and take it 00:09:00.281 --> 00:09:03.360 and give him more love and more understanding. 00:09:03.361 --> 00:09:06.100 And at the time they thought that that was so mature, 00:09:06.400 --> 00:09:09.180 but that now they can see that that was really wrong 00:09:09.480 --> 00:09:13.100 and that they shouldn't have valued me for being able to take it, 00:09:13.160 --> 00:09:16.447 that they should have valued me enough to take me out of it.