WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:01.829 align:start position:0% to<00:00:00.480> me.<00:00:00.640> I'm<00:00:00.800> going<00:00:00.880> to<00:00:00.960> give<00:00:01.040> you<00:00:01.120> a<00:00:01.280> hug. 00:00:01.829 --> 00:00:01.839 align:start position:0% to me. I'm going to give you a hug. 00:00:01.839 --> 00:00:03.830 align:start position:0% to me. I'm going to give you a hug. >> You<00:00:02.000> were<00:00:02.159> going<00:00:02.399> in<00:00:02.560> for<00:00:02.800> it.<00:00:03.040> You<00:00:03.200> were<00:00:03.360> going 00:00:03.830 --> 00:00:03.840 align:start position:0% >> You were going in for it. You were going 00:00:03.840 --> 00:00:04.789 align:start position:0% >> You were going in for it. You were going to<00:00:04.000> fight<00:00:04.240> for<00:00:04.400> it. 00:00:04.789 --> 00:00:04.799 align:start position:0% to fight for it. 00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:07.590 align:start position:0% to fight for it. >> Today,<00:00:05.040> I'm<00:00:05.359> talking<00:00:05.600> to<00:00:05.920> Elizabeth<00:00:06.640> Gilbert. 00:00:07.590 --> 00:00:07.600 align:start position:0% >> Today, I'm talking to Elizabeth Gilbert. 00:00:07.600 --> 00:00:09.669 align:start position:0% >> Today, I'm talking to Elizabeth Gilbert. She's<00:00:07.839> got<00:00:07.919> a<00:00:08.080> new<00:00:08.160> memoir<00:00:08.559> out<00:00:08.800> and<00:00:09.040> it<00:00:09.360> gets 00:00:09.669 --> 00:00:09.679 align:start position:0% She's got a new memoir out and it gets 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:11.430 align:start position:0% She's got a new memoir out and it gets dark.<00:00:10.480> There<00:00:10.719> were<00:00:10.800> times<00:00:11.040> when<00:00:11.200> I<00:00:11.360> was 00:00:11.430 --> 00:00:11.440 align:start position:0% dark. There were times when I was 00:00:11.440 --> 00:00:12.709 align:start position:0% dark. There were times when I was reading<00:00:11.599> this<00:00:11.840> where<00:00:12.000> I<00:00:12.160> put<00:00:12.240> my<00:00:12.400> book<00:00:12.559> down 00:00:12.709 --> 00:00:12.719 align:start position:0% reading this where I put my book down 00:00:12.719 --> 00:00:15.030 align:start position:0% reading this where I put my book down and<00:00:12.880> I<00:00:13.120> was<00:00:13.200> like,<00:00:13.519> "This<00:00:14.080> is<00:00:14.240> the<00:00:14.480> Eat,<00:00:14.799> Pray, 00:00:15.030 --> 00:00:15.040 align:start position:0% and I was like, "This is the Eat, Pray, 00:00:15.040 --> 00:00:17.750 align:start position:0% and I was like, "This is the Eat, Pray, Love.<00:00:15.920> Eat,<00:00:16.240> Pray,<00:00:16.480> Love.<00:00:16.960> Julia<00:00:17.359> Roberts 00:00:17.750 --> 00:00:17.760 align:start position:0% Love. Eat, Pray, Love. Julia Roberts 00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:20.230 align:start position:0% Love. Eat, Pray, Love. Julia Roberts played<00:00:17.920> her<00:00:18.080> in<00:00:18.240> the<00:00:18.320> movie." 00:00:20.230 --> 00:00:20.240 align:start position:0% played her in the movie." 00:00:20.240 --> 00:00:22.950 align:start position:0% played her in the movie." Oh,<00:00:20.800> what<00:00:20.960> a<00:00:21.119> beautiful<00:00:21.439> word.<00:00:21.920> So<00:00:22.240> today,<00:00:22.640> Liz 00:00:22.950 --> 00:00:22.960 align:start position:0% Oh, what a beautiful word. So today, Liz 00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:25.109 align:start position:0% Oh, what a beautiful word. So today, Liz is<00:00:23.119> here<00:00:23.279> to<00:00:23.439> tell<00:00:23.600> me<00:00:23.760> about<00:00:24.000> how<00:00:24.240> that<00:00:24.560> woman, 00:00:25.109 --> 00:00:25.119 align:start position:0% is here to tell me about how that woman, 00:00:25.119 --> 00:00:26.470 align:start position:0% is here to tell me about how that woman, a<00:00:25.359> woman<00:00:25.519> who<00:00:25.760> thought<00:00:25.920> she'd<00:00:26.240> found 00:00:26.470 --> 00:00:26.480 align:start position:0% a woman who thought she'd found 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:28.790 align:start position:0% a woman who thought she'd found enlightenment<00:00:27.039> and<00:00:27.279> inner<00:00:27.599> peace<00:00:28.400> almost 00:00:28.790 --> 00:00:28.800 align:start position:0% enlightenment and inner peace almost 00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:31.429 align:start position:0% enlightenment and inner peace almost destroyed<00:00:29.359> her<00:00:29.599> own<00:00:29.840> life.<00:00:30.960> Here's<00:00:31.199> our 00:00:31.429 --> 00:00:31.439 align:start position:0% destroyed her own life. Here's our 00:00:31.439 --> 00:00:33.000 align:start position:0% destroyed her own life. Here's our conversation. 00:00:33.000 --> 00:00:33.010 align:start position:0% conversation. 00:00:33.010 --> 00:00:35.910 align:start position:0% conversation. [Music] 00:00:35.910 --> 00:00:35.920 align:start position:0% [Music] 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.830 align:start position:0% [Music] Elizabeth<00:00:36.480> Gilbert,<00:00:37.120> welcome<00:00:37.360> to<00:00:37.520> Modern 00:00:37.830 --> 00:00:37.840 align:start position:0% Elizabeth Gilbert, welcome to Modern 00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:38.310 align:start position:0% Elizabeth Gilbert, welcome to Modern Love. 00:00:38.310 --> 00:00:38.320 align:start position:0% Love. 00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:40.709 align:start position:0% Love. >> Thank<00:00:38.480> you.<00:00:38.800> I<00:00:39.040> am<00:00:39.200> so<00:00:39.600> happy<00:00:39.840> to<00:00:40.079> be<00:00:40.160> here.<00:00:40.559> We 00:00:40.709 --> 00:00:40.719 align:start position:0% >> Thank you. I am so happy to be here. We 00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:42.069 align:start position:0% >> Thank you. I am so happy to be here. We are<00:00:40.879> so<00:00:41.120> happy<00:00:41.280> you're<00:00:41.520> here<00:00:41.600> in<00:00:41.760> the<00:00:41.920> studio 00:00:42.069 --> 00:00:42.079 align:start position:0% are so happy you're here in the studio 00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:45.270 align:start position:0% are so happy you're here in the studio with<00:00:42.320> us.<00:00:42.800> So<00:00:43.040> Liz,<00:00:43.600> you<00:00:43.840> are<00:00:44.640> the<00:00:44.879> author<00:00:45.120> of 00:00:45.270 --> 00:00:45.280 align:start position:0% with us. So Liz, you are the author of 00:00:45.280 --> 00:00:48.069 align:start position:0% with us. So Liz, you are the author of the<00:00:45.440> best-selling<00:00:46.239> 2006<00:00:46.879> memoir,<00:00:47.440> Eat,<00:00:47.760> Pray, 00:00:48.069 --> 00:00:48.079 align:start position:0% the best-selling 2006 memoir, Eat, Pray, 00:00:48.079 --> 00:00:50.229 align:start position:0% the best-selling 2006 memoir, Eat, Pray, Love.<00:00:48.879> Uh<00:00:49.280> this<00:00:49.440> is<00:00:49.520> all<00:00:49.680> about<00:00:49.840> your<00:00:50.079> search 00:00:50.229 --> 00:00:50.239 align:start position:0% Love. Uh this is all about your search 00:00:50.239 --> 00:00:52.069 align:start position:0% Love. Uh this is all about your search for<00:00:50.399> inner<00:00:50.800> peace<00:00:51.120> following<00:00:51.520> a<00:00:51.760> painful 00:00:52.069 --> 00:00:52.079 align:start position:0% for inner peace following a painful 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:53.830 align:start position:0% for inner peace following a painful divorce.<00:00:52.640> You<00:00:52.800> ended<00:00:53.039> up<00:00:53.199> marrying<00:00:53.520> the<00:00:53.680> guy 00:00:53.830 --> 00:00:53.840 align:start position:0% divorce. You ended up marrying the guy 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:55.830 align:start position:0% divorce. You ended up marrying the guy you<00:00:54.000> wrote<00:00:54.239> about<00:00:54.399> in<00:00:54.559> Eat<00:00:54.800> Pray<00:00:55.120> Love<00:00:55.600> and 00:00:55.830 --> 00:00:55.840 align:start position:0% you wrote about in Eat Pray Love and 00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:57.350 align:start position:0% you wrote about in Eat Pray Love and writing<00:00:56.079> a<00:00:56.320> second<00:00:56.480> book<00:00:56.879> about<00:00:57.120> this 00:00:57.350 --> 00:00:57.360 align:start position:0% writing a second book about this 00:00:57.360 --> 00:01:00.389 align:start position:0% writing a second book about this decision<00:00:57.760> to<00:00:58.079> commit<00:00:58.879> uh<00:00:59.039> to<00:00:59.280> marriage<00:00:59.600> again 00:01:00.389 --> 00:01:00.399 align:start position:0% decision to commit uh to marriage again 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:03.590 align:start position:0% decision to commit uh to marriage again and<00:01:00.719> now<00:01:01.280> you<00:01:01.520> have<00:01:01.600> a<00:01:01.760> new<00:01:01.920> memoir<00:01:02.320> out.<00:01:03.280> It's 00:01:03.590 --> 00:01:03.600 align:start position:0% and now you have a new memoir out. It's 00:01:03.600 --> 00:01:05.670 align:start position:0% and now you have a new memoir out. It's called<00:01:04.080> All<00:01:04.320> the<00:01:04.479> Way<00:01:04.720> to<00:01:04.879> the<00:01:04.960> River.<00:01:05.360> And<00:01:05.519> it 00:01:05.670 --> 00:01:05.680 align:start position:0% called All the Way to the River. And it 00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:07.270 align:start position:0% called All the Way to the River. And it tells<00:01:05.920> the<00:01:06.080> story<00:01:06.240> of<00:01:06.400> how<00:01:06.560> you<00:01:06.720> ended<00:01:07.040> that 00:01:07.270 --> 00:01:07.280 align:start position:0% tells the story of how you ended that 00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:09.429 align:start position:0% tells the story of how you ended that marriage<00:01:08.320> to<00:01:08.560> then<00:01:08.720> start<00:01:08.880> a<00:01:09.040> romantic 00:01:09.429 --> 00:01:09.439 align:start position:0% marriage to then start a romantic 00:01:09.439 --> 00:01:11.830 align:start position:0% marriage to then start a romantic relationship<00:01:09.920> with<00:01:10.080> your<00:01:10.320> best<00:01:10.560> friend<00:01:11.200> Rehea 00:01:11.830 --> 00:01:11.840 align:start position:0% relationship with your best friend Rehea 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:15.590 align:start position:0% relationship with your best friend Rehea right<00:01:12.080> as<00:01:12.240> she<00:01:12.400> was<00:01:12.560> dying<00:01:13.280> of<00:01:13.520> cancer,<00:01:14.479> which 00:01:15.590 --> 00:01:15.600 align:start position:0% right as she was dying of cancer, which 00:01:15.600 --> 00:01:17.749 align:start position:0% right as she was dying of cancer, which I<00:01:15.760> mean,<00:01:15.920> what<00:01:16.080> a<00:01:16.320> mix<00:01:16.479> of<00:01:16.640> emotions<00:01:17.360> to 00:01:17.749 --> 00:01:17.759 align:start position:0% I mean, what a mix of emotions to 00:01:17.759 --> 00:01:19.670 align:start position:0% I mean, what a mix of emotions to experience<00:01:18.640> at<00:01:18.799> once.<00:01:19.119> You<00:01:19.280> must<00:01:19.439> have<00:01:19.520> been 00:01:19.670 --> 00:01:19.680 align:start position:0% experience at once. You must have been 00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:22.070 align:start position:0% experience at once. You must have been running<00:01:19.920> through<00:01:20.159> journals<00:01:20.720> like<00:01:21.520> once<00:01:21.840> a 00:01:22.070 --> 00:01:22.080 align:start position:0% running through journals like once a 00:01:22.080 --> 00:01:23.910 align:start position:0% running through journals like once a week.<00:01:22.479> How<00:01:22.720> are<00:01:22.880> you<00:01:23.040> processing<00:01:23.600> all<00:01:23.759> of 00:01:23.910 --> 00:01:23.920 align:start position:0% week. How are you processing all of 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:25.510 align:start position:0% week. How are you processing all of that? 00:01:25.510 --> 00:01:25.520 align:start position:0% that? 00:01:25.520 --> 00:01:28.070 align:start position:0% that? >> Oh<00:01:26.320> god.<00:01:26.640> Yeah,<00:01:26.960> I<00:01:27.200> was<00:01:27.520> running<00:01:27.840> through 00:01:28.070 --> 00:01:28.080 align:start position:0% >> Oh god. Yeah, I was running through 00:01:28.080 --> 00:01:31.350 align:start position:0% >> Oh god. Yeah, I was running through journals<00:01:28.400> once<00:01:28.640> a<00:01:28.720> week<00:01:28.880> and<00:01:30.159> it<00:01:30.479> was<00:01:30.640> like<00:01:30.960> the 00:01:31.350 --> 00:01:31.360 align:start position:0% journals once a week and it was like the 00:01:31.360 --> 00:01:33.429 align:start position:0% journals once a week and it was like the ground<00:01:31.759> fell<00:01:32.079> out<00:01:32.320> from<00:01:32.560> underneath<00:01:32.960> me.<00:01:33.280> And 00:01:33.429 --> 00:01:33.439 align:start position:0% ground fell out from underneath me. And 00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:36.230 align:start position:0% ground fell out from underneath me. And I<00:01:33.759> feel<00:01:33.920> like<00:01:34.159> that's<00:01:34.560> an<00:01:34.880> experience<00:01:35.680> that<00:01:35.920> I 00:01:36.230 --> 00:01:36.240 align:start position:0% I feel like that's an experience that I 00:01:36.240 --> 00:01:39.109 align:start position:0% I feel like that's an experience that I now<00:01:36.479> recognize<00:01:37.040> as<00:01:37.360> being<00:01:38.159> a<00:01:38.400> universal<00:01:38.880> human 00:01:39.109 --> 00:01:39.119 align:start position:0% now recognize as being a universal human 00:01:39.119 --> 00:01:40.789 align:start position:0% now recognize as being a universal human experience.<00:01:39.680> Like<00:01:39.920> maybe<00:01:40.159> not<00:01:40.320> to<00:01:40.560> those 00:01:40.789 --> 00:01:40.799 align:start position:0% experience. Like maybe not to those 00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:43.270 align:start position:0% experience. Like maybe not to those exact<00:01:41.119> details,<00:01:41.520> but<00:01:41.759> I<00:01:42.079> don't<00:01:42.320> think<00:01:42.640> anybody 00:01:43.270 --> 00:01:43.280 align:start position:0% exact details, but I don't think anybody 00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:44.789 align:start position:0% exact details, but I don't think anybody gets<00:01:43.520> to<00:01:43.759> go<00:01:43.920> through 00:01:44.789 --> 00:01:44.799 align:start position:0% gets to go through 00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:46.630 align:start position:0% gets to go through >> the<00:01:45.119> entire<00:01:45.360> course<00:01:45.600> of<00:01:45.759> their<00:01:45.920> life<00:01:46.079> without 00:01:46.630 --> 00:01:46.640 align:start position:0% >> the entire course of their life without 00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:49.429 align:start position:0% >> the entire course of their life without having<00:01:47.840> seasons<00:01:48.240> or<00:01:48.560> chapters<00:01:48.960> or<00:01:49.200> episodes 00:01:49.429 --> 00:01:49.439 align:start position:0% having seasons or chapters or episodes 00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:50.870 align:start position:0% having seasons or chapters or episodes of<00:01:49.600> their<00:01:49.759> life<00:01:49.920> where<00:01:50.079> it's<00:01:50.320> like,<00:01:50.399> "Oh,<00:01:50.720> I 00:01:50.870 --> 00:01:50.880 align:start position:0% of their life where it's like, "Oh, I 00:01:50.880 --> 00:01:52.230 align:start position:0% of their life where it's like, "Oh, I thought<00:01:51.040> there<00:01:51.200> was<00:01:51.360> ground<00:01:51.600> under<00:01:51.840> me<00:01:52.079> my 00:01:52.230 --> 00:01:52.240 align:start position:0% thought there was ground under me my 00:01:52.240 --> 00:01:55.030 align:start position:0% thought there was ground under me my feet<00:01:52.399> and<00:01:52.560> there<00:01:52.720> is<00:01:52.880> none."<00:01:53.680> and<00:01:54.560> yeah,<00:01:54.799> it 00:01:55.030 --> 00:01:55.040 align:start position:0% feet and there is none." and yeah, it 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:57.830 align:start position:0% feet and there is none." and yeah, it was<00:01:55.200> incredibly<00:01:56.159> disorienting 00:01:57.830 --> 00:01:57.840 align:start position:0% was incredibly disorienting 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:00.069 align:start position:0% was incredibly disorienting >> um<00:01:58.399> and 00:02:00.069 --> 00:02:00.079 align:start position:0% >> um and 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:03.830 align:start position:0% >> um and felt<00:02:00.719> to<00:02:01.040> me<00:02:01.280> at<00:02:01.520> the<00:02:01.680> time<00:02:02.159> extremely<00:02:02.880> sudden 00:02:03.830 --> 00:02:03.840 align:start position:0% felt to me at the time extremely sudden 00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:05.590 align:start position:0% felt to me at the time extremely sudden and<00:02:04.159> unexpected. 00:02:05.590 --> 00:02:05.600 align:start position:0% and unexpected. 00:02:05.600 --> 00:02:07.190 align:start position:0% and unexpected. >> Looking<00:02:05.920> back<00:02:06.159> on<00:02:06.320> it<00:02:06.479> now<00:02:06.640> with<00:02:06.799> the<00:02:06.960> benefit 00:02:07.190 --> 00:02:07.200 align:start position:0% >> Looking back on it now with the benefit 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:09.270 align:start position:0% >> Looking back on it now with the benefit of<00:02:07.439> hindsight,<00:02:07.920> I<00:02:08.160> can<00:02:08.319> see<00:02:08.560> Yeah,<00:02:08.800> I<00:02:08.959> can<00:02:09.119> kind 00:02:09.270 --> 00:02:09.280 align:start position:0% of hindsight, I can see Yeah, I can kind 00:02:09.280 --> 00:02:11.190 align:start position:0% of hindsight, I can see Yeah, I can kind of<00:02:09.440> see<00:02:09.679> it<00:02:09.840> more<00:02:10.080> slowly<00:02:10.479> now,<00:02:10.640> but<00:02:10.879> at<00:02:11.039> the 00:02:11.190 --> 00:02:11.200 align:start position:0% of see it more slowly now, but at the 00:02:11.200 --> 00:02:12.949 align:start position:0% of see it more slowly now, but at the time<00:02:11.360> it<00:02:11.599> felt<00:02:11.840> like 00:02:12.949 --> 00:02:12.959 align:start position:0% time it felt like 00:02:12.959 --> 00:02:14.630 align:start position:0% time it felt like >> whiplash.<00:02:13.680> How<00:02:13.840> did<00:02:14.000> I<00:02:14.160> get<00:02:14.239> here? 00:02:14.630 --> 00:02:14.640 align:start position:0% >> whiplash. How did I get here? 00:02:14.640 --> 00:02:15.589 align:start position:0% >> whiplash. How did I get here? >> Yeah.<00:02:14.800> How<00:02:14.959> did<00:02:15.120> I<00:02:15.200> get<00:02:15.280> here? 00:02:15.589 --> 00:02:15.599 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. How did I get here? 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:17.589 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. How did I get here? >> Let's<00:02:15.840> talk<00:02:16.000> a<00:02:16.239> little<00:02:16.319> bit<00:02:16.480> about<00:02:16.959> how<00:02:17.280> you 00:02:17.589 --> 00:02:17.599 align:start position:0% >> Let's talk a little bit about how you 00:02:17.599 --> 00:02:19.750 align:start position:0% >> Let's talk a little bit about how you got<00:02:17.760> here.<00:02:18.400> This<00:02:18.720> relationship<00:02:19.120> with<00:02:19.280> Rehea, 00:02:19.750 --> 00:02:19.760 align:start position:0% got here. This relationship with Rehea, 00:02:19.760 --> 00:02:22.309 align:start position:0% got here. This relationship with Rehea, I<00:02:19.920> mentioned<00:02:20.239> you<00:02:20.480> you<00:02:20.800> ended<00:02:21.280> your<00:02:21.599> marriage. 00:02:22.309 --> 00:02:22.319 align:start position:0% I mentioned you you ended your marriage. 00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:24.949 align:start position:0% I mentioned you you ended your marriage. You<00:02:22.560> and<00:02:22.720> Rehea<00:02:23.040> were<00:02:23.680> best<00:02:24.000> friends<00:02:24.400> for<00:02:24.720> many 00:02:24.949 --> 00:02:24.959 align:start position:0% You and Rehea were best friends for many 00:02:24.959 --> 00:02:26.949 align:start position:0% You and Rehea were best friends for many years.<00:02:25.360> Talk<00:02:25.599> about<00:02:26.080> what<00:02:26.319> it<00:02:26.480> was<00:02:26.640> like<00:02:26.800> to 00:02:26.949 --> 00:02:26.959 align:start position:0% years. Talk about what it was like to 00:02:26.959 --> 00:02:28.550 align:start position:0% years. Talk about what it was like to start<00:02:27.200> a<00:02:27.360> romantic<00:02:27.840> relationship<00:02:28.239> with 00:02:28.550 --> 00:02:28.560 align:start position:0% start a romantic relationship with 00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:30.869 align:start position:0% start a romantic relationship with someone<00:02:29.440> who<00:02:29.760> was<00:02:29.920> one<00:02:30.000> of<00:02:30.080> your<00:02:30.319> closest,<00:02:30.640> if 00:02:30.869 --> 00:02:30.879 align:start position:0% someone who was one of your closest, if 00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:32.470 align:start position:0% someone who was one of your closest, if not<00:02:31.120> your<00:02:31.520> closest<00:02:32.080> friend. 00:02:32.470 --> 00:02:32.480 align:start position:0% not your closest friend. 00:02:32.480 --> 00:02:34.070 align:start position:0% not your closest friend. >> She<00:02:32.720> was<00:02:32.800> more<00:02:32.959> than<00:02:33.120> my<00:02:33.360> closest<00:02:33.680> friend.<00:02:33.840> I 00:02:34.070 --> 00:02:34.080 align:start position:0% >> She was more than my closest friend. I 00:02:34.080 --> 00:02:36.309 align:start position:0% >> She was more than my closest friend. I mean,<00:02:34.319> she<00:02:34.560> was<00:02:35.040> our<00:02:35.360> the<00:02:35.680> only<00:02:35.840> way<00:02:36.000> that<00:02:36.160> we 00:02:36.309 --> 00:02:36.319 align:start position:0% mean, she was our the only way that we 00:02:36.319 --> 00:02:37.910 align:start position:0% mean, she was our the only way that we could<00:02:36.480> ever<00:02:36.720> describe<00:02:37.120> each<00:02:37.280> other<00:02:37.440> for<00:02:37.680> many 00:02:37.910 --> 00:02:37.920 align:start position:0% could ever describe each other for many 00:02:37.920 --> 00:02:40.390 align:start position:0% could ever describe each other for many years<00:02:38.160> was<00:02:38.879> this<00:02:39.120> is<00:02:39.280> my<00:02:39.519> person. 00:02:40.390 --> 00:02:40.400 align:start position:0% years was this is my person. 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:44.229 align:start position:0% years was this is my person. >> Um,<00:02:40.959> and<00:02:42.000> and<00:02:43.040> it<00:02:43.280> was<00:02:43.360> a<00:02:43.599> slow,<00:02:43.920> you<00:02:44.000> know,<00:02:44.080> it 00:02:44.229 --> 00:02:44.239 align:start position:0% >> Um, and and it was a slow, you know, it 00:02:44.239 --> 00:02:46.630 align:start position:0% >> Um, and and it was a slow, you know, it was<00:02:44.319> a<00:02:44.400> slow<00:02:44.640> burn.<00:02:45.040> We<00:02:45.200> met<00:02:45.680> as<00:02:46.080> hairdresser 00:02:46.630 --> 00:02:46.640 align:start position:0% was a slow burn. We met as hairdresser 00:02:46.640 --> 00:02:47.990 align:start position:0% was a slow burn. We met as hairdresser and<00:02:46.959> client.<00:02:47.360> I<00:02:47.519> love<00:02:47.680> this, 00:02:47.990 --> 00:02:48.000 align:start position:0% and client. I love this, 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:50.070 align:start position:0% and client. I love this, >> you<00:02:48.160> know,<00:02:48.239> and<00:02:48.480> then<00:02:48.640> became<00:02:49.280> social<00:02:49.680> friends 00:02:50.070 --> 00:02:50.080 align:start position:0% >> you know, and then became social friends 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:52.229 align:start position:0% >> you know, and then became social friends and<00:02:50.319> then<00:02:50.640> neighbors<00:02:51.120> and<00:02:51.360> then<00:02:51.760> sort<00:02:51.920> of<00:02:52.080> each 00:02:52.229 --> 00:02:52.239 align:start position:0% and then neighbors and then sort of each 00:02:52.239 --> 00:02:53.990 align:start position:0% and then neighbors and then sort of each other's<00:02:52.560> muses<00:02:53.200> and<00:02:53.519> each<00:02:53.680> other's 00:02:53.990 --> 00:02:54.000 align:start position:0% other's muses and each other's 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.390 align:start position:0% other's muses and each other's inspiration.<00:02:54.640> I<00:02:54.800> I<00:02:55.200> dedicated<00:02:55.680> the<00:02:55.840> book<00:02:56.160> Big 00:02:56.390 --> 00:02:56.400 align:start position:0% inspiration. I I dedicated the book Big 00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:57.990 align:start position:0% inspiration. I I dedicated the book Big Magic<00:02:56.640> to<00:02:56.800> her.<00:02:56.959> I<00:02:57.200> wrote<00:02:57.280> it.<00:02:57.440> I<00:02:57.680> wrote<00:02:57.840> the 00:02:57.990 --> 00:02:58.000 align:start position:0% Magic to her. I wrote it. I wrote the 00:02:58.000 --> 00:02:59.430 align:start position:0% Magic to her. I wrote it. I wrote the entire<00:02:58.239> book<00:02:58.400> for<00:02:58.640> her. 00:02:59.430 --> 00:02:59.440 align:start position:0% entire book for her. 00:02:59.440 --> 00:03:02.390 align:start position:0% entire book for her. >> Um,<00:03:00.080> and<00:03:00.800> she,<00:03:01.280> you<00:03:01.440> know,<00:03:01.599> I<00:03:01.760> inspired<00:03:02.080> her<00:03:02.239> to 00:03:02.390 --> 00:03:02.400 align:start position:0% >> Um, and she, you know, I inspired her to 00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:03.750 align:start position:0% >> Um, and she, you know, I inspired her to write<00:03:02.560> music.<00:03:02.800> I<00:03:02.959> inspired<00:03:03.280> her<00:03:03.440> to<00:03:03.519> write<00:03:03.680> a 00:03:03.750 --> 00:03:03.760 align:start position:0% write music. I inspired her to write a 00:03:03.760 --> 00:03:05.270 align:start position:0% write music. I inspired her to write a memoir.<00:03:04.159> She<00:03:04.319> inspired<00:03:04.640> me<00:03:04.800> to<00:03:04.959> write<00:03:05.120> that 00:03:05.270 --> 00:03:05.280 align:start position:0% memoir. She inspired me to write that 00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:07.509 align:start position:0% memoir. She inspired me to write that book.<00:03:05.920> We<00:03:06.159> became<00:03:06.400> each<00:03:06.640> other's,<00:03:07.040> you<00:03:07.200> know, 00:03:07.509 --> 00:03:07.519 align:start position:0% book. We became each other's, you know, 00:03:07.519 --> 00:03:09.830 align:start position:0% book. We became each other's, you know, emergency<00:03:08.080> contacts.<00:03:09.040> And<00:03:09.280> all<00:03:09.440> of<00:03:09.519> this<00:03:09.680> was 00:03:09.830 --> 00:03:09.840 align:start position:0% emergency contacts. And all of this was 00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:11.910 align:start position:0% emergency contacts. And all of this was happening<00:03:10.080> while<00:03:10.319> I<00:03:10.560> was<00:03:10.640> also<00:03:11.280> in<00:03:11.519> a<00:03:11.680> marriage 00:03:11.910 --> 00:03:11.920 align:start position:0% happening while I was also in a marriage 00:03:11.920 --> 00:03:13.509 align:start position:0% happening while I was also in a marriage that<00:03:12.080> I<00:03:12.239> cared<00:03:12.480> about<00:03:12.640> a<00:03:12.879> lot<00:03:13.040> with<00:03:13.280> somebody 00:03:13.509 --> 00:03:13.519 align:start position:0% that I cared about a lot with somebody 00:03:13.519 --> 00:03:16.070 align:start position:0% that I cared about a lot with somebody who<00:03:13.760> I<00:03:13.920> loved<00:03:14.159> a<00:03:14.319> lot.<00:03:14.959> But<00:03:15.200> as<00:03:15.440> time<00:03:15.680> went<00:03:15.840> by, 00:03:16.070 --> 00:03:16.080 align:start position:0% who I loved a lot. But as time went by, 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:18.550 align:start position:0% who I loved a lot. But as time went by, it<00:03:16.319> was<00:03:16.400> like,<00:03:16.560> "Oh,<00:03:16.879> this<00:03:17.040> is<00:03:17.200> more<00:03:17.440> than<00:03:18.319> like 00:03:18.550 --> 00:03:18.560 align:start position:0% it was like, "Oh, this is more than like 00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:20.550 align:start position:0% it was like, "Oh, this is more than like the<00:03:18.800> feelings<00:03:19.040> that<00:03:19.200> I<00:03:19.360> have<00:03:19.519> for<00:03:19.680> her<00:03:20.319> are 00:03:20.550 --> 00:03:20.560 align:start position:0% the feelings that I have for her are 00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:22.550 align:start position:0% the feelings that I have for her are very<00:03:20.800> inconvenient." 00:03:22.550 --> 00:03:22.560 align:start position:0% very inconvenient." 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:23.750 align:start position:0% very inconvenient." >> That's<00:03:22.800> not<00:03:22.959> the<00:03:23.120> word<00:03:23.280> I<00:03:23.519> thought<00:03:23.599> you<00:03:23.760> were 00:03:23.750 --> 00:03:23.760 align:start position:0% >> That's not the word I thought you were 00:03:23.760 --> 00:03:24.149 align:start position:0% >> That's not the word I thought you were gonna<00:03:23.920> say. 00:03:24.149 --> 00:03:24.159 align:start position:0% gonna say. 00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:26.869 align:start position:0% gonna say. >> It's<00:03:24.319> like<00:03:24.879> is<00:03:25.120> so<00:03:25.360> inconvenient.<00:03:26.239> Like<00:03:26.640> cuz 00:03:26.869 --> 00:03:26.879 align:start position:0% >> It's like is so inconvenient. Like cuz 00:03:26.879 --> 00:03:29.110 align:start position:0% >> It's like is so inconvenient. Like cuz I'm<00:03:27.200> really<00:03:27.440> in<00:03:27.599> love<00:03:27.760> with<00:03:27.920> my<00:03:28.159> best<00:03:28.319> friend. 00:03:29.110 --> 00:03:29.120 align:start position:0% I'm really in love with my best friend. 00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:30.789 align:start position:0% I'm really in love with my best friend. >> And<00:03:29.280> I<00:03:30.000> am<00:03:30.239> really<00:03:30.400> good<00:03:30.560> at 00:03:30.789 --> 00:03:30.799 align:start position:0% >> And I am really good at 00:03:30.799 --> 00:03:32.309 align:start position:0% >> And I am really good at compartmentalizing.<00:03:31.840> So<00:03:32.000> I<00:03:32.159> just 00:03:32.309 --> 00:03:32.319 align:start position:0% compartmentalizing. So I just 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:34.470 align:start position:0% compartmentalizing. So I just compartmentalized<00:03:33.120> that<00:03:33.440> right<00:03:33.680> into<00:03:34.239> the 00:03:34.470 --> 00:03:34.480 align:start position:0% compartmentalized that right into the 00:03:34.480 --> 00:03:35.990 align:start position:0% compartmentalized that right into the basement<00:03:34.799> of<00:03:34.959> my<00:03:35.120> consciousness.<00:03:35.599> And<00:03:35.760> I<00:03:35.920> was 00:03:35.990 --> 00:03:36.000 align:start position:0% basement of my consciousness. And I was 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:37.670 align:start position:0% basement of my consciousness. And I was like,<00:03:36.159> "This<00:03:36.560> will<00:03:36.720> stay<00:03:36.879> there<00:03:37.120> forever. 00:03:37.670 --> 00:03:37.680 align:start position:0% like, "This will stay there forever. 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:39.670 align:start position:0% like, "This will stay there forever. >> There's<00:03:37.840> a<00:03:38.000> lock.<00:03:38.239> There's<00:03:38.720> no<00:03:38.879> need<00:03:39.440> to<00:03:39.519> know 00:03:39.670 --> 00:03:39.680 align:start position:0% >> There's a lock. There's no need to know 00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:41.270 align:start position:0% >> There's a lock. There's no need to know that.<00:03:39.920> I<00:03:40.159> don't<00:03:40.239> even<00:03:40.400> need<00:03:40.560> to<00:03:40.720> know<00:03:40.879> this.<00:03:41.040> I 00:03:41.270 --> 00:03:41.280 align:start position:0% that. I don't even need to know this. I 00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:42.949 align:start position:0% that. I don't even need to know this. I put<00:03:41.360> this<00:03:41.599> so<00:03:41.760> far<00:03:41.920> away<00:03:42.159> that<00:03:42.400> I<00:03:42.640> can't<00:03:42.720> even 00:03:42.949 --> 00:03:42.959 align:start position:0% put this so far away that I can't even 00:03:42.959 --> 00:03:43.990 align:start position:0% put this so far away that I can't even see<00:03:43.120> it."<00:03:43.440> M 00:03:43.990 --> 00:03:44.000 align:start position:0% see it." M 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:45.910 align:start position:0% see it." M >> um<00:03:44.319> and<00:03:44.640> then<00:03:44.879> she<00:03:45.040> was<00:03:45.200> diagnosed<00:03:45.680> with 00:03:45.910 --> 00:03:45.920 align:start position:0% >> um and then she was diagnosed with 00:03:45.920 --> 00:03:47.589 align:start position:0% >> um and then she was diagnosed with terminal<00:03:46.319> pancreatic<00:03:46.799> and<00:03:46.959> liver<00:03:47.200> cancer<00:03:47.440> and 00:03:47.589 --> 00:03:47.599 align:start position:0% terminal pancreatic and liver cancer and 00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:50.229 align:start position:0% terminal pancreatic and liver cancer and given<00:03:47.840> 6<00:03:48.080> months<00:03:48.239> to<00:03:48.400> live<00:03:48.640> at<00:03:48.799> which<00:03:49.040> point<00:03:49.920> it 00:03:50.229 --> 00:03:50.239 align:start position:0% given 6 months to live at which point it 00:03:50.239 --> 00:03:52.630 align:start position:0% given 6 months to live at which point it was<00:03:50.319> no<00:03:50.480> longer<00:03:50.799> possible<00:03:51.200> for<00:03:51.440> me<00:03:51.920> to<00:03:52.400> keep 00:03:52.630 --> 00:03:52.640 align:start position:0% was no longer possible for me to keep 00:03:52.640 --> 00:03:54.470 align:start position:0% was no longer possible for me to keep that<00:03:52.959> kept<00:03:53.280> in<00:03:53.440> the<00:03:53.519> basement.<00:03:53.920> It<00:03:54.159> just<00:03:54.319> had 00:03:54.470 --> 00:03:54.480 align:start position:0% that kept in the basement. It just had 00:03:54.480 --> 00:03:56.789 align:start position:0% that kept in the basement. It just had to<00:03:54.560> come<00:03:54.720> out<00:03:54.879> and<00:03:55.120> I<00:03:55.280> knew<00:03:55.440> that<00:03:55.599> I<00:03:55.840> had<00:03:56.000> to 00:03:56.789 --> 00:03:56.799 align:start position:0% to come out and I knew that I had to 00:03:56.799 --> 00:03:58.710 align:start position:0% to come out and I knew that I had to spend<00:03:57.280> the<00:03:57.519> last<00:03:57.760> months<00:03:57.920> of<00:03:58.080> her<00:03:58.239> life<00:03:58.480> with 00:03:58.710 --> 00:03:58.720 align:start position:0% spend the last months of her life with 00:03:58.720 --> 00:04:02.229 align:start position:0% spend the last months of her life with her<00:03:58.959> as<00:03:59.200> as<00:03:59.519> her<00:03:59.760> partner<00:04:00.080> and<00:04:00.239> that's<00:04:01.360> so<00:04:01.920> in<00:04:02.080> a 00:04:02.229 --> 00:04:02.239 align:start position:0% her as as her partner and that's so in a 00:04:02.239 --> 00:04:03.990 align:start position:0% her as as her partner and that's so in a way<00:04:02.480> there<00:04:02.640> was<00:04:02.799> something<00:04:03.120> like<00:04:03.439> this<00:04:03.680> is<00:04:03.840> the 00:04:03.990 --> 00:04:04.000 align:start position:0% way there was something like this is the 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:06.070 align:start position:0% way there was something like this is the person<00:04:04.159> I<00:04:04.400> know<00:04:04.560> best<00:04:04.799> in<00:04:05.120> the<00:04:05.280> entire<00:04:05.599> world. 00:04:06.070 --> 00:04:06.080 align:start position:0% person I know best in the entire world. 00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:07.670 align:start position:0% person I know best in the entire world. So<00:04:06.319> there<00:04:06.480> was<00:04:06.640> something<00:04:06.959> so<00:04:07.200> deeply 00:04:07.670 --> 00:04:07.680 align:start position:0% So there was something so deeply 00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:11.270 align:start position:0% So there was something so deeply familiar<00:04:08.239> about<00:04:08.560> her<00:04:10.000> and<00:04:10.239> then<00:04:10.640> as<00:04:10.879> the<00:04:11.120> book 00:04:11.270 --> 00:04:11.280 align:start position:0% familiar about her and then as the book 00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:14.470 align:start position:0% familiar about her and then as the book tells<00:04:11.840> it's<00:04:12.080> like<00:04:13.120> oh<00:04:13.519> there<00:04:13.760> was<00:04:14.000> all<00:04:14.239> this 00:04:14.470 --> 00:04:14.480 align:start position:0% tells it's like oh there was all this 00:04:14.480 --> 00:04:16.710 align:start position:0% tells it's like oh there was all this other<00:04:14.720> stuff<00:04:14.959> I<00:04:15.200> didn't<00:04:15.439> even<00:04:15.680> know<00:04:16.400> about 00:04:16.710 --> 00:04:16.720 align:start position:0% other stuff I didn't even know about 00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:19.110 align:start position:0% other stuff I didn't even know about like<00:04:17.680> how<00:04:17.919> can<00:04:18.160> the<00:04:18.400> person<00:04:18.639> who<00:04:18.799> you<00:04:18.959> think 00:04:19.110 --> 00:04:19.120 align:start position:0% like how can the person who you think 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:20.710 align:start position:0% like how can the person who you think you<00:04:19.280> know<00:04:19.440> the<00:04:19.600> best<00:04:19.759> in<00:04:19.919> the<00:04:20.000> world<00:04:20.160> turn<00:04:20.400> into 00:04:20.710 --> 00:04:20.720 align:start position:0% you know the best in the world turn into 00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:23.430 align:start position:0% you know the best in the world turn into somebody<00:04:21.840> who 00:04:23.430 --> 00:04:23.440 align:start position:0% somebody who 00:04:23.440 --> 00:04:26.230 align:start position:0% somebody who is<00:04:23.680> a<00:04:23.919> danger<00:04:24.240> to<00:04:24.479> you.<00:04:25.040> So<00:04:25.360> in<00:04:25.600> many<00:04:25.759> ways<00:04:26.000> the 00:04:26.230 --> 00:04:26.240 align:start position:0% is a danger to you. So in many ways the 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:28.469 align:start position:0% is a danger to you. So in many ways the book<00:04:26.400> is<00:04:26.560> a<00:04:26.720> is<00:04:26.960> like<00:04:27.520> the<00:04:27.759> word<00:04:27.919> I<00:04:28.080> keep<00:04:28.320> using 00:04:28.469 --> 00:04:28.479 align:start position:0% book is a is like the word I keep using 00:04:28.479 --> 00:04:31.670 align:start position:0% book is a is like the word I keep using is<00:04:28.720> forensic.<00:04:29.520> It's<00:04:29.919> it's<00:04:30.160> a<00:04:30.400> forensic 00:04:31.670 --> 00:04:31.680 align:start position:0% is forensic. It's it's a forensic 00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:33.990 align:start position:0% is forensic. It's it's a forensic >> exploration<00:04:32.320> to<00:04:32.560> try<00:04:32.720> to<00:04:32.880> answer 00:04:33.990 --> 00:04:34.000 align:start position:0% >> exploration to try to answer 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:36.790 align:start position:0% >> exploration to try to answer >> in<00:04:34.240> the<00:04:34.400> safety<00:04:34.800> of<00:04:34.960> the<00:04:35.120> present<00:04:35.440> moment<00:04:36.479> why 00:04:36.790 --> 00:04:36.800 align:start position:0% >> in the safety of the present moment why 00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:38.790 align:start position:0% >> in the safety of the present moment why the<00:04:37.040> chaos<00:04:37.440> of<00:04:37.600> the<00:04:37.759> past<00:04:38.160> occurred. 00:04:38.790 --> 00:04:38.800 align:start position:0% the chaos of the past occurred. 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:41.430 align:start position:0% the chaos of the past occurred. >> Huh.<00:04:39.440> Talk<00:04:39.680> more<00:04:39.919> about<00:04:40.080> that<00:04:40.479> word<00:04:40.880> for<00:04:41.280> what 00:04:41.430 --> 00:04:41.440 align:start position:0% >> Huh. Talk more about that word for what 00:04:41.440 --> 00:04:43.350 align:start position:0% >> Huh. Talk more about that word for what does<00:04:41.600> that<00:04:41.919> forensic<00:04:42.479> mean<00:04:42.639> to<00:04:42.880> you? 00:04:43.350 --> 00:04:43.360 align:start position:0% does that forensic mean to you? 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:44.230 align:start position:0% does that forensic mean to you? Detailed. 00:04:44.230 --> 00:04:44.240 align:start position:0% Detailed. 00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:46.390 align:start position:0% Detailed. >> Yeah.<00:04:44.560> It<00:04:44.800> means<00:04:45.120> unflinching. 00:04:46.390 --> 00:04:46.400 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. It means unflinching. 00:04:46.400 --> 00:04:49.909 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. It means unflinching. >> Um<00:04:47.040> you<00:04:47.199> know<00:04:47.360> like<00:04:47.759> let's<00:04:48.240> just<00:04:48.720> really<00:04:49.680> find 00:04:49.909 --> 00:04:49.919 align:start position:0% >> Um you know like let's just really find 00:04:49.919 --> 00:04:54.390 align:start position:0% >> Um you know like let's just really find out<00:04:50.400> what<00:04:50.720> occurred<00:04:51.759> um<00:04:51.919> and<00:04:52.240> how.<00:04:52.880> And<00:04:53.919> I<00:04:54.240> feel 00:04:54.390 --> 00:04:54.400 align:start position:0% out what occurred um and how. And I feel 00:04:54.400 --> 00:04:57.670 align:start position:0% out what occurred um and how. And I feel like<00:04:54.960> it<00:04:55.199> required<00:04:55.759> a<00:04:56.080> kind<00:04:56.240> of<00:04:56.479> reporting<00:04:57.440> to 00:04:57.670 --> 00:04:57.680 align:start position:0% like it required a kind of reporting to 00:04:57.680 --> 00:04:59.909 align:start position:0% like it required a kind of reporting to to<00:04:58.160> write<00:04:58.400> this<00:04:58.639> book.<00:04:59.120> And<00:04:59.280> I<00:04:59.440> had<00:04:59.600> all<00:04:59.759> my 00:04:59.909 --> 00:04:59.919 align:start position:0% to write this book. And I had all my 00:04:59.919 --> 00:05:01.830 align:start position:0% to write this book. And I had all my journals<00:05:00.240> from<00:05:00.479> that<00:05:00.720> time<00:05:00.880> as<00:05:01.040> well,<00:05:01.520> but 00:05:01.830 --> 00:05:01.840 align:start position:0% journals from that time as well, but 00:05:01.840 --> 00:05:05.749 align:start position:0% journals from that time as well, but also<00:05:02.639> a<00:05:03.199> deep<00:05:03.600> psychological<00:05:04.400> investigation 00:05:05.749 --> 00:05:05.759 align:start position:0% also a deep psychological investigation 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:09.670 align:start position:0% also a deep psychological investigation into<00:05:06.880> myself<00:05:07.280> and<00:05:07.520> into<00:05:07.840> Rehea,<00:05:08.320> including<00:05:09.520> um 00:05:09.670 --> 00:05:09.680 align:start position:0% into myself and into Rehea, including um 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:13.430 align:start position:0% into myself and into Rehea, including um Rehea<00:05:10.080> had<00:05:10.240> left<00:05:10.560> me<00:05:11.600> almost<00:05:12.000> as<00:05:12.320> clues<00:05:13.120> all<00:05:13.280> of 00:05:13.430 --> 00:05:13.440 align:start position:0% Rehea had left me almost as clues all of 00:05:13.440 --> 00:05:16.070 align:start position:0% Rehea had left me almost as clues all of her<00:05:13.600> journals<00:05:14.000> and<00:05:14.240> diaries<00:05:14.639> that<00:05:14.960> she<00:05:15.840> wrote 00:05:16.070 --> 00:05:16.080 align:start position:0% her journals and diaries that she wrote 00:05:16.080 --> 00:05:17.990 align:start position:0% her journals and diaries that she wrote during<00:05:16.400> that<00:05:16.560> time.<00:05:16.720> And<00:05:16.880> she<00:05:17.039> was<00:05:17.199> like,<00:05:17.520> "Use 00:05:17.990 --> 00:05:18.000 align:start position:0% during that time. And she was like, "Use 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:19.510 align:start position:0% during that time. And she was like, "Use these."<00:05:18.320> Like,<00:05:18.479> "I<00:05:18.720> want<00:05:18.880> you<00:05:18.960> to<00:05:19.039> have<00:05:19.199> this." 00:05:19.510 --> 00:05:19.520 align:start position:0% these." Like, "I want you to have this." 00:05:19.520 --> 00:05:20.629 align:start position:0% these." Like, "I want you to have this." >> Explicitly<00:05:20.000> she<00:05:20.160> said<00:05:20.320> that. 00:05:20.629 --> 00:05:20.639 align:start position:0% >> Explicitly she said that. 00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:23.110 align:start position:0% >> Explicitly she said that. >> Yeah.<00:05:20.960> And<00:05:21.759> in<00:05:22.000> those<00:05:22.240> journals<00:05:22.560> and<00:05:22.720> diaries, 00:05:23.110 --> 00:05:23.120 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. And in those journals and diaries, 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:25.270 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. And in those journals and diaries, I<00:05:23.280> found<00:05:23.440> out<00:05:23.680> that<00:05:23.919> she<00:05:24.080> had<00:05:24.320> been<00:05:24.720> she<00:05:24.960> was<00:05:25.120> an 00:05:25.270 --> 00:05:25.280 align:start position:0% I found out that she had been she was an 00:05:25.280 --> 00:05:27.029 align:start position:0% I found out that she had been she was an addict<00:05:25.520> in<00:05:25.759> recovery.<00:05:26.240> By<00:05:26.400> the<00:05:26.560> time<00:05:26.720> I<00:05:26.880> knew 00:05:27.029 --> 00:05:27.039 align:start position:0% addict in recovery. By the time I knew 00:05:27.039 --> 00:05:28.790 align:start position:0% addict in recovery. By the time I knew her,<00:05:27.280> when<00:05:27.360> I<00:05:27.520> first<00:05:27.680> met<00:05:27.840> her<00:05:28.320> in<00:05:28.479> the<00:05:28.639> year 00:05:28.790 --> 00:05:28.800 align:start position:0% her, when I first met her in the year 00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:30.710 align:start position:0% her, when I first met her in the year 2000,<00:05:29.280> she'd<00:05:29.520> been<00:05:29.680> clean<00:05:29.919> for<00:05:30.160> a<00:05:30.320> few<00:05:30.479> years 00:05:30.710 --> 00:05:30.720 align:start position:0% 2000, she'd been clean for a few years 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:32.550 align:start position:0% 2000, she'd been clean for a few years from<00:05:31.039> years<00:05:31.360> of<00:05:31.600> heroin<00:05:31.919> and<00:05:32.080> drug<00:05:32.320> and 00:05:32.550 --> 00:05:32.560 align:start position:0% from years of heroin and drug and 00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:35.189 align:start position:0% from years of heroin and drug and cocaine<00:05:32.960> addiction.<00:05:33.919> But<00:05:34.240> somewhere<00:05:34.639> in<00:05:34.960> that 00:05:35.189 --> 00:05:35.199 align:start position:0% cocaine addiction. But somewhere in that 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:37.430 align:start position:0% cocaine addiction. But somewhere in that time<00:05:36.080> between<00:05:36.400> when<00:05:36.560> I<00:05:36.720> met<00:05:36.800> her<00:05:36.960> and<00:05:37.120> we<00:05:37.280> got 00:05:37.430 --> 00:05:37.440 align:start position:0% time between when I met her and we got 00:05:37.440 --> 00:05:40.230 align:start position:0% time between when I met her and we got closer,<00:05:37.840> she<00:05:38.080> started<00:05:38.720> secretly<00:05:39.280> drinking. 00:05:40.230 --> 00:05:40.240 align:start position:0% closer, she started secretly drinking. 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:42.070 align:start position:0% closer, she started secretly drinking. And<00:05:40.400> then<00:05:40.720> she<00:05:40.960> started<00:05:41.280> publicly<00:05:41.759> drinking, 00:05:42.070 --> 00:05:42.080 align:start position:0% And then she started publicly drinking, 00:05:42.080 --> 00:05:43.909 align:start position:0% And then she started publicly drinking, but<00:05:42.320> with<00:05:42.560> weird<00:05:43.360> sort<00:05:43.520> of 00:05:43.909 --> 00:05:43.919 align:start position:0% but with weird sort of 00:05:43.919 --> 00:05:44.870 align:start position:0% but with weird sort of >> You<00:05:44.080> write<00:05:44.240> about<00:05:44.320> this.<00:05:44.560> Yeah. 00:05:44.870 --> 00:05:44.880 align:start position:0% >> You write about this. Yeah. 00:05:44.880 --> 00:05:47.430 align:start position:0% >> You write about this. Yeah. >> Like<00:05:45.120> very<00:05:45.600> very<00:05:45.919> weird<00:05:46.240> sort<00:05:46.400> of<00:05:46.560> hiding<00:05:47.120> like 00:05:47.430 --> 00:05:47.440 align:start position:0% >> Like very very weird sort of hiding like 00:05:47.440 --> 00:05:48.870 align:start position:0% >> Like very very weird sort of hiding like hiding<00:05:47.680> in<00:05:47.840> plain<00:05:48.160> sight.<00:05:48.400> And<00:05:48.479> this<00:05:48.720> was 00:05:48.870 --> 00:05:48.880 align:start position:0% hiding in plain sight. And this was 00:05:48.880 --> 00:05:50.230 align:start position:0% hiding in plain sight. And this was before<00:05:49.039> you'd<00:05:49.360> entered<00:05:49.600> into<00:05:49.759> your<00:05:49.840> romantic 00:05:50.230 --> 00:05:50.240 align:start position:0% before you'd entered into your romantic 00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:52.710 align:start position:0% before you'd entered into your romantic relationship.<00:05:51.039> Um,<00:05:51.440> but<00:05:51.919> what<00:05:52.160> I<00:05:52.400> discovered 00:05:52.710 --> 00:05:52.720 align:start position:0% relationship. Um, but what I discovered 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:55.110 align:start position:0% relationship. Um, but what I discovered in<00:05:52.960> reading<00:05:53.360> her<00:05:53.520> journals<00:05:53.919> was<00:05:54.160> that<00:05:54.800> the 00:05:55.110 --> 00:05:55.120 align:start position:0% in reading her journals was that the 00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:57.830 align:start position:0% in reading her journals was that the same<00:05:55.440> demons<00:05:56.000> that<00:05:56.240> had<00:05:56.880> driven<00:05:57.199> her<00:05:57.440> to<00:05:57.600> her 00:05:57.830 --> 00:05:57.840 align:start position:0% same demons that had driven her to her 00:05:57.840 --> 00:05:59.590 align:start position:0% same demons that had driven her to her addiction<00:05:58.160> in<00:05:58.320> the<00:05:58.479> first<00:05:58.560> place<00:05:58.800> were<00:05:59.360> alive 00:05:59.590 --> 00:05:59.600 align:start position:0% addiction in the first place were alive 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:03.189 align:start position:0% addiction in the first place were alive and<00:05:59.840> well<00:06:00.479> and<00:06:00.800> hiding<00:06:01.199> behind<00:06:02.479> this<00:06:02.800> mythos 00:06:03.189 --> 00:06:03.199 align:start position:0% and well and hiding behind this mythos 00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:07.189 align:start position:0% and well and hiding behind this mythos that<00:06:03.440> she<00:06:03.680> created<00:06:04.240> that<00:06:04.479> I<00:06:05.280> 100%<00:06:06.639> fell<00:06:06.960> for. 00:06:07.189 --> 00:06:07.199 align:start position:0% that she created that I 100% fell for. 00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:08.710 align:start position:0% that she created that I 100% fell for. And<00:06:07.280> I<00:06:07.440> and<00:06:07.600> I<00:06:07.840> when<00:06:08.000> I<00:06:08.160> say<00:06:08.240> that<00:06:08.400> she<00:06:08.639> did 00:06:08.710 --> 00:06:08.720 align:start position:0% And I and I when I say that she did 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:10.309 align:start position:0% And I and I when I say that she did this,<00:06:08.880> it's<00:06:09.120> all<00:06:09.280> very<00:06:09.520> innocent,<00:06:10.000> you<00:06:10.160> know, 00:06:10.309 --> 00:06:10.319 align:start position:0% this, it's all very innocent, you know, 00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:11.909 align:start position:0% this, it's all very innocent, you know, like<00:06:10.479> she<00:06:10.639> was<00:06:10.800> just<00:06:10.960> trying<00:06:11.120> to<00:06:11.280> survive, 00:06:11.909 --> 00:06:11.919 align:start position:0% like she was just trying to survive, 00:06:11.919 --> 00:06:12.309 align:start position:0% like she was just trying to survive, right? 00:06:12.309 --> 00:06:12.319 align:start position:0% right? 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:15.270 align:start position:0% right? >> But<00:06:12.479> she<00:06:13.120> could<00:06:13.680> present<00:06:14.319> as<00:06:14.800> the<00:06:15.120> most 00:06:15.270 --> 00:06:15.280 align:start position:0% >> But she could present as the most 00:06:15.280 --> 00:06:16.629 align:start position:0% >> But she could present as the most confident<00:06:15.680> person<00:06:15.840> you've<00:06:16.160> ever<00:06:16.240> met<00:06:16.400> in<00:06:16.560> your 00:06:16.629 --> 00:06:16.639 align:start position:0% confident person you've ever met in your 00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:17.909 align:start position:0% confident person you've ever met in your entire<00:06:16.880> life.<00:06:17.039> as<00:06:17.360> can<00:06:17.520> I. 00:06:17.909 --> 00:06:17.919 align:start position:0% entire life. as can I. 00:06:17.919 --> 00:06:19.909 align:start position:0% entire life. as can I. >> She<00:06:18.080> jumped<00:06:18.319> off<00:06:18.479> the<00:06:19.199> definitely, 00:06:19.909 --> 00:06:19.919 align:start position:0% >> She jumped off the definitely, 00:06:19.919 --> 00:06:21.749 align:start position:0% >> She jumped off the definitely, >> but<00:06:20.080> she<00:06:20.240> jumped<00:06:20.479> off<00:06:20.639> the<00:06:20.800> page<00:06:21.120> that<00:06:21.360> she<00:06:21.600> was 00:06:21.749 --> 00:06:21.759 align:start position:0% >> but she jumped off the page that she was 00:06:21.759 --> 00:06:24.070 align:start position:0% >> but she jumped off the page that she was so<00:06:22.080> vibrant<00:06:22.720> and 00:06:24.070 --> 00:06:24.080 align:start position:0% so vibrant and 00:06:24.080 --> 00:06:26.230 align:start position:0% so vibrant and >> she<00:06:24.400> made<00:06:24.639> me<00:06:24.880> want<00:06:25.199> to<00:06:25.520> follow<00:06:25.759> her<00:06:26.080> like 00:06:26.230 --> 00:06:26.240 align:start position:0% >> she made me want to follow her like 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:27.909 align:start position:0% >> she made me want to follow her like that's<00:06:26.479> and<00:06:26.800> I<00:06:27.039> was<00:06:27.199> reading<00:06:27.440> about<00:06:27.600> her.<00:06:27.759> I 00:06:27.909 --> 00:06:27.919 align:start position:0% that's and I was reading about her. I 00:06:27.919 --> 00:06:29.430 align:start position:0% that's and I was reading about her. I hadn't<00:06:28.240> I<00:06:28.479> haven't<00:06:28.639> met<00:06:28.720> her<00:06:28.960> obviously<00:06:29.199> in 00:06:29.430 --> 00:06:29.440 align:start position:0% hadn't I haven't met her obviously in 00:06:29.440 --> 00:06:31.029 align:start position:0% hadn't I haven't met her obviously in person,<00:06:29.680> but<00:06:30.000> that<00:06:30.319> really<00:06:30.560> came<00:06:30.720> across. 00:06:31.029 --> 00:06:31.039 align:start position:0% person, but that really came across. 00:06:31.039 --> 00:06:32.070 align:start position:0% person, but that really came across. Yeah.<00:06:31.199> Well,<00:06:31.360> I'm<00:06:31.440> glad<00:06:31.680> to<00:06:31.759> hear<00:06:31.840> that 00:06:32.070 --> 00:06:32.080 align:start position:0% Yeah. Well, I'm glad to hear that 00:06:32.080 --> 00:06:33.909 align:start position:0% Yeah. Well, I'm glad to hear that because<00:06:32.319> one<00:06:32.560> of<00:06:32.639> the<00:06:32.880> obstacles<00:06:33.280> that<00:06:33.520> I<00:06:33.759> felt 00:06:33.909 --> 00:06:33.919 align:start position:0% because one of the obstacles that I felt 00:06:33.919 --> 00:06:37.430 align:start position:0% because one of the obstacles that I felt I<00:06:34.160> faced<00:06:34.960> in<00:06:35.199> writing<00:06:35.520> this<00:06:35.840> was<00:06:36.720> can<00:06:37.039> I 00:06:37.430 --> 00:06:37.440 align:start position:0% I faced in writing this was can I 00:06:37.440 --> 00:06:40.230 align:start position:0% I faced in writing this was can I describe<00:06:38.720> how<00:06:39.039> vivid<00:06:39.440> this<00:06:39.680> person<00:06:39.919> was 00:06:40.230 --> 00:06:40.240 align:start position:0% describe how vivid this person was 00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:41.670 align:start position:0% describe how vivid this person was convincingly<00:06:40.880> because 00:06:41.670 --> 00:06:41.680 align:start position:0% convincingly because 00:06:41.680 --> 00:06:44.390 align:start position:0% convincingly because >> she<00:06:42.000> was<00:06:42.160> such<00:06:42.400> an<00:06:42.720> electrifying<00:06:43.919> presence 00:06:44.390 --> 00:06:44.400 align:start position:0% >> she was such an electrifying presence 00:06:44.400 --> 00:06:47.670 align:start position:0% >> she was such an electrifying presence and<00:06:44.639> she<00:06:44.960> was<00:06:46.080> like<00:06:46.400> she<00:06:46.639> just<00:06:47.280> she<00:06:47.520> was 00:06:47.670 --> 00:06:47.680 align:start position:0% and she was like she just she was 00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:49.749 align:start position:0% and she was like she just she was amazing.<00:06:48.080> She<00:06:48.240> was<00:06:48.319> a<00:06:48.639> star,<00:06:49.199> you<00:06:49.360> know,<00:06:49.680> um 00:06:49.749 --> 00:06:49.759 align:start position:0% amazing. She was a star, you know, um 00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:51.590 align:start position:0% amazing. She was a star, you know, um and<00:06:50.000> she<00:06:50.240> was<00:06:50.479> brilliant<00:06:50.800> and<00:06:51.039> she<00:06:51.199> was<00:06:51.280> funny 00:06:51.590 --> 00:06:51.600 align:start position:0% and she was brilliant and she was funny 00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:53.830 align:start position:0% and she was brilliant and she was funny and<00:06:51.840> most<00:06:52.080> of<00:06:52.240> all<00:06:52.639> she<00:06:52.880> was<00:06:53.039> fearless<00:06:53.440> is<00:06:53.680> how 00:06:53.830 --> 00:06:53.840 align:start position:0% and most of all she was fearless is how 00:06:53.840 --> 00:06:56.309 align:start position:0% and most of all she was fearless is how it<00:06:54.000> how<00:06:54.240> it<00:06:54.400> appeared.<00:06:55.199> And<00:06:55.440> she<00:06:55.840> particularly 00:06:56.309 --> 00:06:56.319 align:start position:0% it how it appeared. And she particularly 00:06:56.319 --> 00:06:58.230 align:start position:0% it how it appeared. And she particularly had<00:06:56.639> fearlessness<00:06:57.199> in<00:06:57.520> realms<00:06:57.759> of<00:06:57.919> my<00:06:58.080> life 00:06:58.230 --> 00:06:58.240 align:start position:0% had fearlessness in realms of my life 00:06:58.240 --> 00:07:01.110 align:start position:0% had fearlessness in realms of my life where<00:06:58.479> I'm<00:06:58.720> very<00:06:58.960> afraid.<00:06:59.919> And<00:07:00.479> I<00:07:00.800> had 00:07:01.110 --> 00:07:01.120 align:start position:0% where I'm very afraid. And I had 00:07:01.120 --> 00:07:02.870 align:start position:0% where I'm very afraid. And I had fearlessness<00:07:01.680> in<00:07:01.919> realms<00:07:02.240> of<00:07:02.319> her<00:07:02.479> life<00:07:02.639> where 00:07:02.870 --> 00:07:02.880 align:start position:0% fearlessness in realms of her life where 00:07:02.880 --> 00:07:06.870 align:start position:0% fearlessness in realms of her life where she<00:07:03.039> was<00:07:03.199> very<00:07:03.360> afraid.<00:07:03.840> So<00:07:04.560> she<00:07:04.800> was<00:07:05.199> she<00:07:05.599> was 00:07:06.870 --> 00:07:06.880 align:start position:0% she was very afraid. So she was she was 00:07:06.880 --> 00:07:08.870 align:start position:0% she was very afraid. So she was she was incredibly<00:07:07.440> fearless<00:07:07.919> around<00:07:08.240> people<00:07:08.560> and 00:07:08.870 --> 00:07:08.880 align:start position:0% incredibly fearless around people and 00:07:08.880 --> 00:07:11.909 align:start position:0% incredibly fearless around people and conflict<00:07:09.680> no<00:07:09.919> problem.<00:07:10.639> Like<00:07:11.280> go<00:07:11.520> right<00:07:11.680> into 00:07:11.909 --> 00:07:11.919 align:start position:0% conflict no problem. Like go right into 00:07:11.919 --> 00:07:13.909 align:start position:0% conflict no problem. Like go right into the<00:07:12.080> arena<00:07:12.400> with<00:07:12.560> anyone,<00:07:12.960> toeto<00:07:13.360> toe<00:07:13.680> with 00:07:13.909 --> 00:07:13.919 align:start position:0% the arena with anyone, toeto toe with 00:07:13.919 --> 00:07:16.230 align:start position:0% the arena with anyone, toeto toe with anybody.<00:07:14.960> Would<00:07:15.199> say<00:07:15.440> the<00:07:15.680> thing<00:07:15.759> that<00:07:16.000> nobody 00:07:16.230 --> 00:07:16.240 align:start position:0% anybody. Would say the thing that nobody 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:17.670 align:start position:0% anybody. Would say the thing that nobody else<00:07:16.479> would<00:07:16.639> say.<00:07:16.960> I<00:07:17.120> don't<00:07:17.199> know<00:07:17.280> why<00:07:17.440> this<00:07:17.520> is 00:07:17.670 --> 00:07:17.680 align:start position:0% else would say. I don't know why this is 00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:18.870 align:start position:0% else would say. I don't know why this is coming,<00:07:17.840> but<00:07:18.000> in<00:07:18.160> the<00:07:18.240> book<00:07:18.479> there's<00:07:18.720> this 00:07:18.870 --> 00:07:18.880 align:start position:0% coming, but in the book there's this 00:07:18.880 --> 00:07:20.629 align:start position:0% coming, but in the book there's this this<00:07:19.280> lovely,<00:07:19.680> it's<00:07:19.919> just<00:07:20.080> a<00:07:20.240> small<00:07:20.400> scene, 00:07:20.629 --> 00:07:20.639 align:start position:0% this lovely, it's just a small scene, 00:07:20.639 --> 00:07:22.550 align:start position:0% this lovely, it's just a small scene, but<00:07:20.800> you<00:07:20.960> were<00:07:21.039> at<00:07:21.199> a<00:07:21.440> dinner<00:07:22.000> and<00:07:22.240> she<00:07:22.400> was 00:07:22.550 --> 00:07:22.560 align:start position:0% but you were at a dinner and she was 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:23.990 align:start position:0% but you were at a dinner and she was seated<00:07:22.960> next<00:07:23.120> to<00:07:23.280> someone<00:07:23.520> who<00:07:23.680> was<00:07:23.759> very 00:07:23.990 --> 00:07:24.000 align:start position:0% seated next to someone who was very 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:25.430 align:start position:0% seated next to someone who was very annoying,<00:07:24.400> and<00:07:24.560> she<00:07:24.720> said<00:07:24.800> to<00:07:24.960> him<00:07:25.199> something 00:07:25.430 --> 00:07:25.440 align:start position:0% annoying, and she said to him something 00:07:25.440 --> 00:07:26.150 align:start position:0% annoying, and she said to him something like, 00:07:26.150 --> 00:07:26.160 align:start position:0% like, 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:27.830 align:start position:0% like, >> "You're<00:07:26.479> a<00:07:26.639> jackass."<00:07:27.120> Or<00:07:27.280> something<00:07:27.759> like 00:07:27.830 --> 00:07:27.840 align:start position:0% >> "You're a jackass." Or something like 00:07:27.840 --> 00:07:28.150 align:start position:0% >> "You're a jackass." Or something like that. 00:07:28.150 --> 00:07:28.160 align:start position:0% that. 00:07:28.160 --> 00:07:30.870 align:start position:0% that. >> She<00:07:28.319> said<00:07:28.400> to<00:07:28.560> him,<00:07:28.960> "Wow,<00:07:29.840> I<00:07:30.160> never<00:07:30.400> knew<00:07:30.639> what 00:07:30.870 --> 00:07:30.880 align:start position:0% >> She said to him, "Wow, I never knew what 00:07:30.880 --> 00:07:32.629 align:start position:0% >> She said to him, "Wow, I never knew what a<00:07:31.039> little<00:07:31.199> [ __ ]<00:07:31.360> you<00:07:31.520> could<00:07:31.680> be." 00:07:32.629 --> 00:07:32.639 align:start position:0% a little [ __ ] you could be." 00:07:32.639 --> 00:07:34.469 align:start position:0% a little [ __ ] you could be." >> Um,<00:07:32.880> and<00:07:33.039> and<00:07:33.280> she<00:07:33.440> just<00:07:33.599> said<00:07:33.759> it<00:07:34.000> very<00:07:34.240> like 00:07:34.469 --> 00:07:34.479 align:start position:0% >> Um, and and she just said it very like 00:07:34.479 --> 00:07:37.029 align:start position:0% >> Um, and and she just said it very like casually<00:07:34.960> and<00:07:35.120> the<00:07:35.360> whole<00:07:35.840> like<00:07:36.400> and<00:07:36.639> he<00:07:36.880> was 00:07:37.029 --> 00:07:37.039 align:start position:0% casually and the whole like and he was 00:07:37.039 --> 00:07:38.070 align:start position:0% casually and the whole like and he was being<00:07:37.280> a<00:07:37.360> little<00:07:37.520> [ __ ]<00:07:37.840> you<00:07:37.919> know,<00:07:38.000> and 00:07:38.070 --> 00:07:38.080 align:start position:0% being a little [ __ ] you know, and 00:07:38.080 --> 00:07:39.270 align:start position:0% being a little [ __ ] you know, and she's<00:07:38.240> like,<00:07:38.400> "Sometimes<00:07:38.800> people<00:07:38.960> are<00:07:39.120> little 00:07:39.270 --> 00:07:39.280 align:start position:0% she's like, "Sometimes people are little 00:07:39.280 --> 00:07:40.710 align:start position:0% she's like, "Sometimes people are little bitches."<00:07:39.759> She's<00:07:39.919> like,<00:07:39.919> "Dude,<00:07:40.319> I<00:07:40.479> like 00:07:40.710 --> 00:07:40.720 align:start position:0% bitches." She's like, "Dude, I like 00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:42.070 align:start position:0% bitches." She's like, "Dude, I like literally<00:07:41.039> never<00:07:41.280> knew<00:07:41.440> what<00:07:41.599> a<00:07:41.759> little<00:07:41.840> [ __ ] 00:07:42.070 --> 00:07:42.080 align:start position:0% literally never knew what a little [ __ ] 00:07:42.080 --> 00:07:45.350 align:start position:0% literally never knew what a little [ __ ] you<00:07:42.240> are."<00:07:42.800> And<00:07:43.199> um<00:07:43.360> and<00:07:43.840> and<00:07:44.240> it<00:07:44.400> just<00:07:45.039> but<00:07:45.199> it 00:07:45.350 --> 00:07:45.360 align:start position:0% you are." And um and and it just but it 00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:47.510 align:start position:0% you are." And um and and it just but it was<00:07:45.520> also<00:07:45.840> true,<00:07:46.319> you<00:07:46.479> know,<00:07:46.960> and<00:07:47.120> it's<00:07:47.360> like 00:07:47.510 --> 00:07:47.520 align:start position:0% was also true, you know, and it's like 00:07:47.520 --> 00:07:49.589 align:start position:0% was also true, you know, and it's like we<00:07:47.759> were<00:07:47.919> all<00:07:48.080> thinking<00:07:48.400> it,<00:07:49.039> you<00:07:49.120> know,<00:07:49.280> and 00:07:49.589 --> 00:07:49.599 align:start position:0% we were all thinking it, you know, and 00:07:49.599 --> 00:07:52.390 align:start position:0% we were all thinking it, you know, and somehow<00:07:50.639> he<00:07:50.960> kind<00:07:51.120> of<00:07:51.199> loved<00:07:51.440> her<00:07:51.599> more 00:07:52.390 --> 00:07:52.400 align:start position:0% somehow he kind of loved her more 00:07:52.400 --> 00:07:54.950 align:start position:0% somehow he kind of loved her more >> for<00:07:52.639> that<00:07:52.960> because<00:07:54.000> oddly<00:07:54.400> and<00:07:54.560> I<00:07:54.720> know<00:07:54.800> this 00:07:54.950 --> 00:07:54.960 align:start position:0% >> for that because oddly and I know this 00:07:54.960 --> 00:07:56.309 align:start position:0% >> for that because oddly and I know this might<00:07:55.120> be<00:07:55.199> hard<00:07:55.360> to<00:07:55.440> convey,<00:07:55.840> she<00:07:56.080> wasn't 00:07:56.309 --> 00:07:56.319 align:start position:0% might be hard to convey, she wasn't 00:07:56.319 --> 00:07:57.909 align:start position:0% might be hard to convey, she wasn't judging<00:07:56.639> him.<00:07:56.879> She<00:07:57.039> was<00:07:57.120> just<00:07:57.280> making<00:07:57.680> an 00:07:57.909 --> 00:07:57.919 align:start position:0% judging him. She was just making an 00:07:57.919 --> 00:07:58.710 align:start position:0% judging him. She was just making an observation. 00:07:58.710 --> 00:07:58.720 align:start position:0% observation. 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:00.390 align:start position:0% observation. >> Totally.<00:07:59.039> I<00:07:59.120> mean,<00:07:59.360> I<00:07:59.440> knew<00:07:59.599> I<00:07:59.840> liked<00:08:00.080> her<00:08:00.160> more 00:08:00.390 --> 00:08:00.400 align:start position:0% >> Totally. I mean, I knew I liked her more 00:08:00.400 --> 00:08:00.790 align:start position:0% >> Totally. I mean, I knew I liked her more when<00:08:00.560> I 00:08:00.790 --> 00:08:00.800 align:start position:0% when I 00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:01.830 align:start position:0% when I >> She<00:08:00.960> was<00:08:01.039> like,<00:08:01.199> I'm<00:08:01.360> a<00:08:01.520> little<00:08:01.599> [ __ ] 00:08:01.830 --> 00:08:01.840 align:start position:0% >> She was like, I'm a little [ __ ] 00:08:01.840 --> 00:08:03.270 align:start position:0% >> She was like, I'm a little [ __ ] sometimes,<00:08:02.240> too,<00:08:02.479> man.<00:08:02.720> And<00:08:02.960> that's<00:08:03.120> why 00:08:03.270 --> 00:08:03.280 align:start position:0% sometimes, too, man. And that's why 00:08:03.280 --> 00:08:05.510 align:start position:0% sometimes, too, man. And that's why people<00:08:03.599> always<00:08:03.840> felt<00:08:04.080> really<00:08:04.400> safe<00:08:04.560> with<00:08:04.800> her 00:08:05.510 --> 00:08:05.520 align:start position:0% people always felt really safe with her 00:08:05.520 --> 00:08:08.309 align:start position:0% people always felt really safe with her is<00:08:05.759> that<00:08:06.160> she<00:08:06.960> she<00:08:07.599> you<00:08:07.840> always<00:08:08.000> knew<00:08:08.160> where 00:08:08.309 --> 00:08:08.319 align:start position:0% is that she she you always knew where 00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:11.110 align:start position:0% is that she she you always knew where you<00:08:08.479> stood<00:08:09.120> with<00:08:09.360> Rya.<00:08:10.000> And<00:08:10.160> and<00:08:10.639> when<00:08:10.879> I<00:08:10.960> asked 00:08:11.110 --> 00:08:11.120 align:start position:0% you stood with Rya. And and when I asked 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:12.790 align:start position:0% you stood with Rya. And and when I asked her<00:08:11.280> one<00:08:11.440> time<00:08:11.680> why<00:08:11.919> you're<00:08:12.080> not<00:08:12.319> afraid<00:08:12.639> of 00:08:12.790 --> 00:08:12.800 align:start position:0% her one time why you're not afraid of 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:15.830 align:start position:0% her one time why you're not afraid of anybody,<00:08:13.759> she's<00:08:14.000> like,<00:08:14.319> I'm<00:08:14.560> so<00:08:14.879> much<00:08:15.120> scarier 00:08:15.830 --> 00:08:15.840 align:start position:0% anybody, she's like, I'm so much scarier 00:08:15.840 --> 00:08:16.950 align:start position:0% anybody, she's like, I'm so much scarier than<00:08:16.080> anyone. 00:08:16.950 --> 00:08:16.960 align:start position:0% than anyone. 00:08:16.960 --> 00:08:17.430 align:start position:0% than anyone. >> Wow. 00:08:17.430 --> 00:08:17.440 align:start position:0% >> Wow. 00:08:17.440 --> 00:08:20.629 align:start position:0% >> Wow. >> And<00:08:18.080> my<00:08:18.400> darkness<00:08:18.960> and<00:08:19.280> my<00:08:19.599> demons<00:08:20.319> are 00:08:20.629 --> 00:08:20.639 align:start position:0% >> And my darkness and my demons are 00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:22.710 align:start position:0% >> And my darkness and my demons are scarier<00:08:21.039> than<00:08:21.199> anything<00:08:21.520> I've<00:08:21.759> ever<00:08:22.000> seen.<00:08:22.479> So 00:08:22.710 --> 00:08:22.720 align:start position:0% scarier than anything I've ever seen. So 00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:24.629 align:start position:0% scarier than anything I've ever seen. So no<00:08:22.960> one<00:08:23.120> scares<00:08:23.440> me<00:08:23.599> cuz<00:08:23.840> it's<00:08:24.000> like<00:08:24.160> if<00:08:24.319> I<00:08:24.479> can 00:08:24.629 --> 00:08:24.639 align:start position:0% no one scares me cuz it's like if I can 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:27.350 align:start position:0% no one scares me cuz it's like if I can handle<00:08:24.879> me,<00:08:25.280> I<00:08:25.520> can<00:08:25.599> handle<00:08:25.919> you.<00:08:26.879> Did<00:08:27.120> this 00:08:27.350 --> 00:08:27.360 align:start position:0% handle me, I can handle you. Did this 00:08:27.360 --> 00:08:29.430 align:start position:0% handle me, I can handle you. Did this relationship<00:08:28.080> feel<00:08:28.560> different<00:08:29.120> from 00:08:29.430 --> 00:08:29.440 align:start position:0% relationship feel different from 00:08:29.440 --> 00:08:32.310 align:start position:0% relationship feel different from previous<00:08:30.319> romantic<00:08:30.879> relationships<00:08:31.840> in<00:08:32.080> your 00:08:32.310 --> 00:08:32.320 align:start position:0% previous romantic relationships in your 00:08:32.320 --> 00:08:33.350 align:start position:0% previous romantic relationships in your life? 00:08:33.350 --> 00:08:33.360 align:start position:0% life? 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:36.790 align:start position:0% life? >> Yeah.<00:08:33.680> And<00:08:33.919> it's<00:08:34.240> because<00:08:34.640> of<00:08:35.039> that<00:08:35.919> honesty 00:08:36.790 --> 00:08:36.800 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. And it's because of that honesty 00:08:36.800 --> 00:08:39.350 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. And it's because of that honesty that<00:08:37.519> um 00:08:39.350 --> 00:08:39.360 align:start position:0% that um 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:40.389 align:start position:0% that um Excuse<00:08:39.680> me, 00:08:40.389 --> 00:08:40.399 align:start position:0% Excuse me, 00:08:40.399 --> 00:08:40.790 align:start position:0% Excuse me, >> please. 00:08:40.790 --> 00:08:40.800 align:start position:0% >> please. 00:08:40.800 --> 00:08:43.509 align:start position:0% >> please. >> I<00:08:41.039> said<00:08:41.200> to<00:08:41.360> burp, 00:08:43.509 --> 00:08:43.519 align:start position:0% >> I said to burp, 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:45.590 align:start position:0% >> I said to burp, >> I<00:08:43.839> do<00:08:44.080> that<00:08:44.560> all<00:08:44.800> the<00:08:44.959> time.<00:08:45.120> And<00:08:45.279> I 00:08:45.590 --> 00:08:45.600 align:start position:0% >> I do that all the time. And I 00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:46.150 align:start position:0% >> I do that all the time. And I >> Pardon<00:08:45.839> me. 00:08:46.150 --> 00:08:46.160 align:start position:0% >> Pardon me. 00:08:46.160 --> 00:08:48.070 align:start position:0% >> Pardon me. >> God,<00:08:46.399> no.<00:08:46.560> No,<00:08:46.959> it's<00:08:47.200> picked<00:08:47.440> up<00:08:47.519> in<00:08:47.760> high 00:08:48.070 --> 00:08:48.080 align:start position:0% >> God, no. No, it's picked up in high 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:48.790 align:start position:0% >> God, no. No, it's picked up in high fidelity. 00:08:48.790 --> 00:08:48.800 align:start position:0% fidelity. 00:08:48.800 --> 00:08:53.430 align:start position:0% fidelity. >> Great.<00:08:49.360> That<00:08:49.600> one's<00:08:49.839> for<00:08:50.160> the<00:08:50.320> the<00:08:50.800> ages.<00:08:51.360> Um 00:08:53.430 --> 00:08:53.440 align:start position:0% >> Great. That one's for the the ages. Um 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:55.350 align:start position:0% >> Great. That one's for the the ages. Um >> it<00:08:53.680> did<00:08:53.920> feel<00:08:54.080> different.<00:08:54.560> It<00:08:54.720> it<00:08:54.959> did<00:08:55.120> feel 00:08:55.350 --> 00:08:55.360 align:start position:0% >> it did feel different. It it did feel 00:08:55.360 --> 00:08:57.990 align:start position:0% >> it did feel different. It it did feel different<00:08:55.519> and<00:08:55.760> it<00:08:56.000> was<00:08:56.160> because<00:08:56.640> of<00:08:57.760> the 00:08:57.990 --> 00:08:58.000 align:start position:0% different and it was because of the 00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:00.710 align:start position:0% different and it was because of the radical<00:08:58.480> honesty<00:08:59.360> that<00:08:59.760> the<00:09:00.000> Rehea<00:09:00.399> who<00:09:00.560> I 00:09:00.710 --> 00:09:00.720 align:start position:0% radical honesty that the Rehea who I 00:09:00.720 --> 00:09:05.829 align:start position:0% radical honesty that the Rehea who I fell<00:09:00.880> in<00:09:01.040> love<00:09:01.120> with<00:09:01.440> lived<00:09:01.680> in.<00:09:02.560> And 00:09:05.829 --> 00:09:05.839 align:start position:0% 00:09:05.839 --> 00:09:07.590 align:start position:0% how<00:09:06.000> can<00:09:06.160> I<00:09:06.320> say<00:09:06.480> this?<00:09:06.720> Like<00:09:07.120> there<00:09:07.360> aren't 00:09:07.590 --> 00:09:07.600 align:start position:0% how can I say this? Like there aren't 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:11.190 align:start position:0% how can I say this? Like there aren't many<00:09:07.839> people<00:09:08.080> who<00:09:08.399> say 00:09:11.190 --> 00:09:11.200 align:start position:0% many people who say 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:13.269 align:start position:0% many people who say the<00:09:11.440> truth<00:09:12.320> who<00:09:12.560> want<00:09:12.720> it. 00:09:13.269 --> 00:09:13.279 align:start position:0% the truth who want it. 00:09:13.279 --> 00:09:13.910 align:start position:0% the truth who want it. >> Yeah. 00:09:13.910 --> 00:09:13.920 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:09:13.920 --> 00:09:17.269 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> And<00:09:14.320> who<00:09:14.800> when<00:09:15.120> they<00:09:15.360> say<00:09:16.560> there<00:09:16.800> will<00:09:16.959> be<00:09:17.120> no 00:09:17.269 --> 00:09:17.279 align:start position:0% >> And who when they say there will be no 00:09:17.279 --> 00:09:19.509 align:start position:0% >> And who when they say there will be no judgment<00:09:17.680> or<00:09:17.920> punishment<00:09:18.320> for<00:09:18.560> this<00:09:18.800> truth, 00:09:19.509 --> 00:09:19.519 align:start position:0% judgment or punishment for this truth, 00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:23.269 align:start position:0% judgment or punishment for this truth, they<00:09:19.760> mean<00:09:19.920> it.<00:09:20.320> So<00:09:20.640> the<00:09:20.959> safety<00:09:21.680> of<00:09:22.000> like,<00:09:23.120> you 00:09:23.269 --> 00:09:23.279 align:start position:0% they mean it. So the safety of like, you 00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:25.190 align:start position:0% they mean it. So the safety of like, you know,<00:09:23.680> my<00:09:24.000> favorite<00:09:24.320> version<00:09:24.560> of<00:09:24.720> Rehea<00:09:25.120> was 00:09:25.190 --> 00:09:25.200 align:start position:0% know, my favorite version of Rehea was 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:26.630 align:start position:0% know, my favorite version of Rehea was the<00:09:25.360> one<00:09:25.440> who<00:09:25.600> would<00:09:25.760> just<00:09:25.920> look<00:09:26.000> at<00:09:26.160> you<00:09:26.320> and 00:09:26.630 --> 00:09:26.640 align:start position:0% the one who would just look at you and 00:09:26.640 --> 00:09:29.269 align:start position:0% the one who would just look at you and just<00:09:26.800> be<00:09:27.040> like,<00:09:28.080> "What<00:09:28.399> is<00:09:28.560> it?<00:09:28.880> What's<00:09:29.120> the 00:09:29.269 --> 00:09:29.279 align:start position:0% just be like, "What is it? What's the 00:09:29.279 --> 00:09:30.870 align:start position:0% just be like, "What is it? What's the thing<00:09:29.440> that's<00:09:29.680> happening<00:09:30.000> right<00:09:30.240> now?<00:09:30.480> I<00:09:30.720> see 00:09:30.870 --> 00:09:30.880 align:start position:0% thing that's happening right now? I see 00:09:30.880 --> 00:09:32.230 align:start position:0% thing that's happening right now? I see something<00:09:31.120> in<00:09:31.360> your<00:09:31.519> face<00:09:31.680> that's<00:09:32.000> going<00:09:32.080> on 00:09:32.230 --> 00:09:32.240 align:start position:0% something in your face that's going on 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:33.829 align:start position:0% something in your face that's going on that<00:09:32.480> you're<00:09:32.640> not<00:09:32.880> saying. 00:09:33.829 --> 00:09:33.839 align:start position:0% that you're not saying. 00:09:33.839 --> 00:09:36.150 align:start position:0% that you're not saying. >> Like,<00:09:34.399> I<00:09:34.640> don't<00:09:34.800> need<00:09:34.959> your<00:09:35.200> zipped<00:09:35.600> up<00:09:35.760> self 00:09:36.150 --> 00:09:36.160 align:start position:0% >> Like, I don't need your zipped up self 00:09:36.160 --> 00:09:37.829 align:start position:0% >> Like, I don't need your zipped up self was<00:09:36.320> one<00:09:36.480> of<00:09:36.560> her<00:09:36.720> favorite<00:09:37.040> lines. 00:09:37.829 --> 00:09:37.839 align:start position:0% was one of her favorite lines. 00:09:37.839 --> 00:09:39.750 align:start position:0% was one of her favorite lines. >> And<00:09:38.080> a<00:09:38.320> friend<00:09:38.399> of<00:09:38.560> ours<00:09:38.720> at<00:09:38.959> her<00:09:39.120> funeral<00:09:39.440> said 00:09:39.750 --> 00:09:39.760 align:start position:0% >> And a friend of ours at her funeral said 00:09:39.760 --> 00:09:41.509 align:start position:0% >> And a friend of ours at her funeral said she<00:09:39.920> didn't<00:09:40.160> want<00:09:40.399> your<00:09:40.640> fake<00:09:40.959> self.<00:09:41.279> She 00:09:41.509 --> 00:09:41.519 align:start position:0% she didn't want your fake self. She 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:43.430 align:start position:0% she didn't want your fake self. She wouldn't<00:09:41.839> allow<00:09:42.160> your<00:09:42.480> fake<00:09:42.720> self. 00:09:43.430 --> 00:09:43.440 align:start position:0% wouldn't allow your fake self. 00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:45.350 align:start position:0% wouldn't allow your fake self. >> She<00:09:43.680> would<00:09:44.240> go<00:09:44.399> in<00:09:44.560> the<00:09:44.640> cave<00:09:44.800> and<00:09:44.959> dig<00:09:45.120> it<00:09:45.279> out 00:09:45.350 --> 00:09:45.360 align:start position:0% >> She would go in the cave and dig it out 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:47.990 align:start position:0% >> She would go in the cave and dig it out and<00:09:45.600> be<00:09:45.760> like,<00:09:46.240> "Listen,<00:09:46.640> I<00:09:46.800> smell<00:09:47.120> [ __ ] 00:09:47.990 --> 00:09:48.000 align:start position:0% and be like, "Listen, I smell [ __ ] 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:49.750 align:start position:0% and be like, "Listen, I smell [ __ ] There's<00:09:48.240> something<00:09:48.480> you're<00:09:48.640> not<00:09:48.880> telling<00:09:49.040> me. 00:09:49.750 --> 00:09:49.760 align:start position:0% There's something you're not telling me. 00:09:49.760 --> 00:09:51.030 align:start position:0% There's something you're not telling me. You're<00:09:50.000> being<00:09:50.160> a<00:09:50.320> little<00:09:50.399> [ __ ]<00:09:50.800> What's 00:09:51.030 --> 00:09:51.040 align:start position:0% You're being a little [ __ ] What's 00:09:51.040 --> 00:09:53.670 align:start position:0% You're being a little [ __ ] What's actually<00:09:51.360> going<00:09:51.519> on?"<00:09:52.320> And<00:09:52.480> and<00:09:52.880> that<00:09:53.120> was<00:09:53.360> the 00:09:53.670 --> 00:09:53.680 align:start position:0% actually going on?" And and that was the 00:09:53.680 --> 00:09:55.750 align:start position:0% actually going on?" And and that was the safety<00:09:54.080> that<00:09:54.320> that<00:09:54.399> that<00:09:54.959> was<00:09:55.120> provided.<00:09:55.600> And 00:09:55.750 --> 00:09:55.760 align:start position:0% safety that that that was provided. And 00:09:55.760 --> 00:09:57.509 align:start position:0% safety that that that was provided. And I<00:09:55.920> had<00:09:56.240> never<00:09:56.640> experienced<00:09:57.120> that<00:09:57.279> with 00:09:57.509 --> 00:09:57.519 align:start position:0% I had never experienced that with 00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:58.150 align:start position:0% I had never experienced that with anybody. 00:09:58.150 --> 00:09:58.160 align:start position:0% anybody. 00:09:58.160 --> 00:10:00.470 align:start position:0% anybody. >> It<00:09:58.399> is.<00:09:58.560> know<00:09:59.040> I<00:09:59.360> really<00:09:59.600> get<00:09:59.760> a<00:09:59.920> sense<00:10:00.080> of<00:10:00.160> that 00:10:00.470 --> 00:10:00.480 align:start position:0% >> It is. know I really get a sense of that 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:01.990 align:start position:0% >> It is. know I really get a sense of that like<00:10:00.640> I<00:10:00.880> feel<00:10:01.040> that<00:10:01.200> from<00:10:01.440> you<00:10:01.600> as<00:10:01.760> you're 00:10:01.990 --> 00:10:02.000 align:start position:0% like I feel that from you as you're 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:04.550 align:start position:0% like I feel that from you as you're describing<00:10:02.320> it.<00:10:02.480> I<00:10:02.720> felt<00:10:02.880> it<00:10:03.040> in<00:10:03.200> the<00:10:03.519> book<00:10:04.320> and 00:10:04.550 --> 00:10:04.560 align:start position:0% describing it. I felt it in the book and 00:10:04.560 --> 00:10:06.470 align:start position:0% describing it. I felt it in the book and it's<00:10:04.720> so<00:10:04.880> striking<00:10:05.200> to<00:10:05.360> me<00:10:05.440> that<00:10:05.680> that 00:10:06.470 --> 00:10:06.480 align:start position:0% it's so striking to me that that 00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:09.350 align:start position:0% it's so striking to me that that enduring<00:10:07.600> totally<00:10:08.080> unique<00:10:08.880> you<00:10:08.959> know<00:10:09.120> sort<00:10:09.279> of 00:10:09.350 --> 00:10:09.360 align:start position:0% enduring totally unique you know sort of 00:10:09.360 --> 00:10:11.110 align:start position:0% enduring totally unique you know sort of once<00:10:09.600> in<00:10:09.680> a-lifetime<00:10:10.399> safety<00:10:10.720> that<00:10:10.880> you 00:10:11.110 --> 00:10:11.120 align:start position:0% once in a-lifetime safety that you 00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:13.190 align:start position:0% once in a-lifetime safety that you experience<00:10:11.440> with<00:10:11.600> her<00:10:12.080> could<00:10:12.480> turn<00:10:12.880> into 00:10:13.190 --> 00:10:13.200 align:start position:0% experience with her could turn into 00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:15.430 align:start position:0% experience with her could turn into something<00:10:13.440> that<00:10:13.680> felt<00:10:13.920> so<00:10:14.160> dangerous.<00:10:15.200> This 00:10:15.430 --> 00:10:15.440 align:start position:0% something that felt so dangerous. This 00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:17.670 align:start position:0% something that felt so dangerous. This is<00:10:15.600> a<00:10:15.920> beautiful<00:10:16.240> book<00:10:16.480> of<00:10:16.800> of<00:10:17.200> love<00:10:17.440> and 00:10:17.670 --> 00:10:17.680 align:start position:0% is a beautiful book of of love and 00:10:17.680 --> 00:10:19.430 align:start position:0% is a beautiful book of of love and connection<00:10:17.920> and<00:10:18.160> it's<00:10:18.399> also<00:10:18.720> it<00:10:18.959> goes<00:10:19.120> to<00:10:19.200> some 00:10:19.430 --> 00:10:19.440 align:start position:0% connection and it's also it goes to some 00:10:19.440 --> 00:10:22.389 align:start position:0% connection and it's also it goes to some extremely<00:10:20.000> dark<00:10:20.399> places<00:10:20.800> about<00:10:21.920> addiction 00:10:22.389 --> 00:10:22.399 align:start position:0% extremely dark places about addiction 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:25.350 align:start position:0% extremely dark places about addiction and<00:10:22.640> and<00:10:22.800> and<00:10:23.600> death.<00:10:24.320> And<00:10:24.480> I<00:10:24.720> want<00:10:24.880> to<00:10:25.120> talk 00:10:25.350 --> 00:10:25.360 align:start position:0% and and and death. And I want to talk 00:10:25.360 --> 00:10:28.230 align:start position:0% and and and death. And I want to talk about<00:10:26.800> sort<00:10:27.040> of<00:10:27.360> how<00:10:27.600> things<00:10:27.920> got 00:10:28.230 --> 00:10:28.240 align:start position:0% about sort of how things got 00:10:28.240 --> 00:10:30.389 align:start position:0% about sort of how things got progressively 00:10:30.389 --> 00:10:30.399 align:start position:0% progressively 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:32.150 align:start position:0% progressively darker<00:10:30.720> and<00:10:30.880> darker<00:10:31.279> for<00:10:31.519> the<00:10:31.680> two<00:10:31.760> of<00:10:31.839> you. 00:10:32.150 --> 00:10:32.160 align:start position:0% darker and darker for the two of you. 00:10:32.160 --> 00:10:34.389 align:start position:0% darker and darker for the two of you. Can<00:10:32.320> you<00:10:32.480> explain<00:10:32.880> how<00:10:33.360> that<00:10:33.680> kind<00:10:33.839> of<00:10:33.920> safety 00:10:34.389 --> 00:10:34.399 align:start position:0% Can you explain how that kind of safety 00:10:34.399 --> 00:10:36.870 align:start position:0% Can you explain how that kind of safety could<00:10:34.560> transform<00:10:35.040> into<00:10:35.360> something<00:10:36.399> that<00:10:36.640> felt 00:10:36.870 --> 00:10:36.880 align:start position:0% could transform into something that felt 00:10:36.880 --> 00:10:37.590 align:start position:0% could transform into something that felt so<00:10:37.040> unsafe? 00:10:37.590 --> 00:10:37.600 align:start position:0% so unsafe? 00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:39.590 align:start position:0% so unsafe? >> Yeah.<00:10:37.920> And<00:10:38.079> I<00:10:38.240> want<00:10:38.320> to<00:10:38.560> start<00:10:38.800> by<00:10:39.040> saying<00:10:39.200> that 00:10:39.590 --> 00:10:39.600 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. And I want to start by saying that 00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:40.949 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. And I want to start by saying that part<00:10:39.839> of<00:10:39.920> the<00:10:40.079> reason<00:10:40.160> it<00:10:40.320> took<00:10:40.560> me<00:10:40.720> seven 00:10:40.949 --> 00:10:40.959 align:start position:0% part of the reason it took me seven 00:10:40.959 --> 00:10:42.389 align:start position:0% part of the reason it took me seven years<00:10:41.120> to<00:10:41.279> write<00:10:41.440> this<00:10:41.600> book<00:10:41.760> is<00:10:41.920> cuz<00:10:42.079> it<00:10:42.240> took 00:10:42.389 --> 00:10:42.399 align:start position:0% years to write this book is cuz it took 00:10:42.399 --> 00:10:44.230 align:start position:0% years to write this book is cuz it took me<00:10:42.560> so<00:10:42.720> long<00:10:42.880> to<00:10:43.120> figure<00:10:43.279> out<00:10:43.440> what<00:10:43.680> happened. 00:10:44.230 --> 00:10:44.240 align:start position:0% me so long to figure out what happened. 00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:46.470 align:start position:0% me so long to figure out what happened. Um<00:10:44.560> because<00:10:44.880> it<00:10:45.120> felt<00:10:45.519> so<00:10:45.760> sudden<00:10:46.160> at<00:10:46.320> the 00:10:46.470 --> 00:10:46.480 align:start position:0% Um because it felt so sudden at the 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:49.509 align:start position:0% Um because it felt so sudden at the time,<00:10:47.200> but<00:10:47.440> I<00:10:47.760> know 00:10:49.509 --> 00:10:49.519 align:start position:0% time, but I know 00:10:49.519 --> 00:10:52.870 align:start position:0% time, but I know reality<00:10:50.079> well<00:10:50.320> enough<00:10:50.560> to<00:10:50.800> know. 00:10:52.870 --> 00:10:52.880 align:start position:0% reality well enough to know. 00:10:52.880 --> 00:10:55.590 align:start position:0% reality well enough to know. Well,<00:10:53.040> let<00:10:53.200> me<00:10:53.279> put<00:10:53.440> this<00:10:53.600> this<00:10:53.839> way. 00:10:55.590 --> 00:10:55.600 align:start position:0% Well, let me put this this way. 00:10:55.600 --> 00:10:57.030 align:start position:0% Well, let me put this this way. Probably<00:10:55.920> if<00:10:56.079> I'd<00:10:56.320> written<00:10:56.480> this<00:10:56.640> book<00:10:56.800> right 00:10:57.030 --> 00:10:57.040 align:start position:0% Probably if I'd written this book right 00:10:57.040 --> 00:10:58.550 align:start position:0% Probably if I'd written this book right after<00:10:57.200> she<00:10:57.440> died,<00:10:57.760> I<00:10:57.920> would<00:10:58.079> have<00:10:58.160> been<00:10:58.320> like, 00:10:58.550 --> 00:10:58.560 align:start position:0% after she died, I would have been like, 00:10:58.560 --> 00:11:00.550 align:start position:0% after she died, I would have been like, I'm<00:10:58.720> a<00:10:58.880> really<00:10:59.040> nice<00:10:59.279> thing<00:10:59.680> person<00:11:00.000> who<00:11:00.160> a<00:11:00.399> bad 00:11:00.550 --> 00:11:00.560 align:start position:0% I'm a really nice thing person who a bad 00:11:00.560 --> 00:11:02.389 align:start position:0% I'm a really nice thing person who a bad thing<00:11:00.720> happened<00:11:00.959> to. 00:11:02.389 --> 00:11:02.399 align:start position:0% thing happened to. 00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:04.630 align:start position:0% thing happened to. >> I<00:11:02.560> am<00:11:02.640> a<00:11:02.800> really<00:11:02.959> nice<00:11:03.200> person,<00:11:03.760> but<00:11:04.079> and<00:11:04.240> a<00:11:04.480> bad 00:11:04.630 --> 00:11:04.640 align:start position:0% >> I am a really nice person, but and a bad 00:11:04.640 --> 00:11:08.710 align:start position:0% >> I am a really nice person, but and a bad thing<00:11:04.880> did<00:11:05.120> happen.<00:11:06.000> But<00:11:07.200> we<00:11:07.519> co-created<00:11:08.399> the 00:11:08.710 --> 00:11:08.720 align:start position:0% thing did happen. But we co-created the 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:12.389 align:start position:0% thing did happen. But we co-created the circumstances<00:11:09.600> for<00:11:09.920> this.<00:11:10.800> And<00:11:11.600> an<00:11:12.000> early 00:11:12.389 --> 00:11:12.399 align:start position:0% circumstances for this. And an early 00:11:12.399 --> 00:11:14.470 align:start position:0% circumstances for this. And an early sponsor<00:11:12.800> of<00:11:12.959> mine<00:11:13.120> in<00:11:13.360> 12step<00:11:13.839> recovery 00:11:14.470 --> 00:11:14.480 align:start position:0% sponsor of mine in 12step recovery 00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:16.550 align:start position:0% sponsor of mine in 12step recovery talking<00:11:14.800> about<00:11:14.959> codependency 00:11:16.550 --> 00:11:16.560 align:start position:0% talking about codependency 00:11:16.560 --> 00:11:19.590 align:start position:0% talking about codependency said,<00:11:17.519> "Liz,<00:11:18.320> the<00:11:18.560> word<00:11:18.720> codependency<00:11:19.440> has 00:11:19.590 --> 00:11:19.600 align:start position:0% said, "Liz, the word codependency has 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:22.230 align:start position:0% said, "Liz, the word codependency has the<00:11:19.839> prefix<00:11:20.320> coil 00:11:22.230 --> 00:11:22.240 align:start position:0% the prefix coil 00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:25.670 align:start position:0% the prefix coil right<00:11:22.480> into<00:11:22.800> it,<00:11:23.200> right<00:11:23.440> at<00:11:23.680> the<00:11:23.839> front<00:11:24.640> of<00:11:24.880> it, 00:11:25.670 --> 00:11:25.680 align:start position:0% right into it, right at the front of it, 00:11:25.680 --> 00:11:27.110 align:start position:0% right into it, right at the front of it, keeping<00:11:26.000> it<00:11:26.160> right<00:11:26.320> there<00:11:26.480> where<00:11:26.720> you<00:11:26.880> can<00:11:26.959> see 00:11:27.110 --> 00:11:27.120 align:start position:0% keeping it right there where you can see 00:11:27.120 --> 00:11:27.509 align:start position:0% keeping it right there where you can see it." 00:11:27.509 --> 00:11:27.519 align:start position:0% it." 00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:28.389 align:start position:0% it." >> Yeah. 00:11:28.389 --> 00:11:28.399 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:32.069 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> You<00:11:28.640> two<00:11:28.880> did<00:11:29.120> this<00:11:29.360> together.<00:11:30.399> Right.<00:11:31.200> So 00:11:32.069 --> 00:11:32.079 align:start position:0% >> You two did this together. Right. So 00:11:32.079 --> 00:11:33.829 align:start position:0% >> You two did this together. Right. So there<00:11:32.240> was<00:11:32.959> there<00:11:33.200> were<00:11:33.279> a<00:11:33.440> couple<00:11:33.600> things 00:11:33.829 --> 00:11:33.839 align:start position:0% there was there were a couple things 00:11:33.839 --> 00:11:36.230 align:start position:0% there was there were a couple things happening<00:11:34.800> that<00:11:35.120> we<00:11:35.279> were<00:11:35.440> shady<00:11:35.920> that<00:11:36.079> we 00:11:36.230 --> 00:11:36.240 align:start position:0% happening that we were shady that we 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:37.829 align:start position:0% happening that we were shady that we were<00:11:36.399> in<00:11:36.640> each<00:11:36.800> in<00:11:36.959> our<00:11:37.120> own<00:11:37.200> way<00:11:37.360> being<00:11:37.600> shady 00:11:37.829 --> 00:11:37.839 align:start position:0% were in each in our own way being shady 00:11:37.839 --> 00:11:40.069 align:start position:0% were in each in our own way being shady about.<00:11:38.160> She<00:11:38.399> was<00:11:38.560> hiding<00:11:38.959> her<00:11:39.279> substance 00:11:40.069 --> 00:11:40.079 align:start position:0% about. She was hiding her substance 00:11:40.079 --> 00:11:42.710 align:start position:0% about. She was hiding her substance addiction<00:11:40.640> addiction<00:11:41.040> issues<00:11:41.519> by<00:11:42.240> secretly 00:11:42.710 --> 00:11:42.720 align:start position:0% addiction addiction issues by secretly 00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:44.310 align:start position:0% addiction addiction issues by secretly drinking.<00:11:43.040> She'd<00:11:43.279> also<00:11:43.600> started<00:11:43.920> smoking 00:11:44.310 --> 00:11:44.320 align:start position:0% drinking. She'd also started smoking 00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:47.110 align:start position:0% drinking. She'd also started smoking again.<00:11:45.279> When<00:11:45.519> we<00:11:46.000> came<00:11:46.160> together,<00:11:46.640> we<00:11:46.880> started 00:11:47.110 --> 00:11:47.120 align:start position:0% again. When we came together, we started 00:11:47.120 --> 00:11:48.550 align:start position:0% again. When we came together, we started doing<00:11:47.279> psychedelics<00:11:48.000> again.<00:11:48.240> We<00:11:48.399> were 00:11:48.550 --> 00:11:48.560 align:start position:0% doing psychedelics again. We were 00:11:48.560 --> 00:11:50.550 align:start position:0% doing psychedelics again. We were introducing<00:11:49.279> substance<00:11:49.760> substances<00:11:50.240> into 00:11:50.550 --> 00:11:50.560 align:start position:0% introducing substance substances into 00:11:50.560 --> 00:11:53.430 align:start position:0% introducing substance substances into her<00:11:50.800> system.<00:11:51.519> And<00:11:51.760> for<00:11:52.079> somebody<00:11:52.320> who<00:11:52.560> is<00:11:52.800> a 00:11:53.430 --> 00:11:53.440 align:start position:0% her system. And for somebody who is a 00:11:53.440 --> 00:11:56.550 align:start position:0% her system. And for somebody who is a lowbottom<00:11:54.240> drug<00:11:54.480> addict,<00:11:55.279> like<00:11:55.519> a<00:11:55.839> lowbottom 00:11:56.550 --> 00:11:56.560 align:start position:0% lowbottom drug addict, like a lowbottom 00:11:56.560 --> 00:11:58.230 align:start position:0% lowbottom drug addict, like a lowbottom drug<00:11:56.800> addict,<00:11:57.120> like<00:11:57.279> a<00:11:57.519> living<00:11:57.760> on<00:11:57.839> a<00:11:58.000> park 00:11:58.230 --> 00:11:58.240 align:start position:0% drug addict, like a living on a park 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:01.430 align:start position:0% drug addict, like a living on a park bench<00:11:58.480> in<00:11:58.880> Tomkins<00:11:59.279> Square,<00:12:00.160> multiple<00:12:01.120> times 00:12:01.430 --> 00:12:01.440 align:start position:0% bench in Tomkins Square, multiple times 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:03.670 align:start position:0% bench in Tomkins Square, multiple times in<00:12:01.760> jail,<00:12:02.240> multiple<00:12:02.640> times<00:12:02.800> in<00:12:02.959> psych<00:12:03.279> wards, 00:12:03.670 --> 00:12:03.680 align:start position:0% in jail, multiple times in psych wards, 00:12:03.680 --> 00:12:06.389 align:start position:0% in jail, multiple times in psych wards, like<00:12:04.720> super<00:12:05.120> dangerous<00:12:05.680> thing<00:12:05.839> that<00:12:06.079> she<00:12:06.320> was 00:12:06.389 --> 00:12:06.399 align:start position:0% like super dangerous thing that she was 00:12:06.399 --> 00:12:09.030 align:start position:0% like super dangerous thing that she was playing<00:12:06.639> with<00:12:06.880> there<00:12:07.360> to<00:12:07.600> to<00:12:08.000> be<00:12:08.160> altering<00:12:08.800> her 00:12:09.030 --> 00:12:09.040 align:start position:0% playing with there to to be altering her 00:12:09.040 --> 00:12:11.030 align:start position:0% playing with there to to be altering her mind<00:12:09.360> with<00:12:09.920> lots<00:12:10.240> of<00:12:10.399> different<00:12:10.720> different 00:12:11.030 --> 00:12:11.040 align:start position:0% mind with lots of different different 00:12:11.040 --> 00:12:12.629 align:start position:0% mind with lots of different different substances<00:12:11.519> and<00:12:11.760> still<00:12:12.000> calling<00:12:12.240> herself 00:12:12.629 --> 00:12:12.639 align:start position:0% substances and still calling herself 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:13.110 align:start position:0% substances and still calling herself sober, 00:12:13.110 --> 00:12:13.120 align:start position:0% sober, 00:12:13.120 --> 00:12:13.670 align:start position:0% sober, >> right? 00:12:13.670 --> 00:12:13.680 align:start position:0% >> right? 00:12:13.680 --> 00:12:15.030 align:start position:0% >> right? >> It's<00:12:13.920> one<00:12:14.079> thing<00:12:14.160> to<00:12:14.320> be<00:12:14.480> doing<00:12:14.639> it.<00:12:14.880> It's 00:12:15.030 --> 00:12:15.040 align:start position:0% >> It's one thing to be doing it. It's 00:12:15.040 --> 00:12:16.389 align:start position:0% >> It's one thing to be doing it. It's another<00:12:15.279> thing<00:12:15.360> to<00:12:15.519> be<00:12:15.680> doing<00:12:15.839> it<00:12:15.920> and<00:12:16.160> still 00:12:16.389 --> 00:12:16.399 align:start position:0% another thing to be doing it and still 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:18.870 align:start position:0% another thing to be doing it and still calling<00:12:16.639> yourself<00:12:16.959> sober,<00:12:17.360> right?<00:12:17.760> and<00:12:18.639> going 00:12:18.870 --> 00:12:18.880 align:start position:0% calling yourself sober, right? and going 00:12:18.880 --> 00:12:21.110 align:start position:0% calling yourself sober, right? and going out<00:12:19.040> on<00:12:19.279> the<00:12:19.440> road 00:12:21.110 --> 00:12:21.120 align:start position:0% out on the road 00:12:21.120 --> 00:12:23.750 align:start position:0% out on the road as<00:12:21.360> a<00:12:21.839> like<00:12:22.160> speaking<00:12:22.639> as<00:12:22.800> a<00:12:22.959> sober<00:12:23.360> person, 00:12:23.750 --> 00:12:23.760 align:start position:0% as a like speaking as a sober person, 00:12:23.760 --> 00:12:25.350 align:start position:0% as a like speaking as a sober person, writing<00:12:24.000> a<00:12:24.160> book<00:12:24.320> about<00:12:24.480> your<00:12:24.720> sobriety<00:12:25.120> when 00:12:25.350 --> 00:12:25.360 align:start position:0% writing a book about your sobriety when 00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:26.790 align:start position:0% writing a book about your sobriety when you're<00:12:25.519> not<00:12:25.760> at<00:12:26.000> all<00:12:26.240> sober. 00:12:26.790 --> 00:12:26.800 align:start position:0% you're not at all sober. 00:12:26.800 --> 00:12:27.910 align:start position:0% you're not at all sober. >> You<00:12:26.880> didn't<00:12:27.040> know<00:12:27.120> any<00:12:27.279> of<00:12:27.360> this<00:12:27.519> at<00:12:27.600> the<00:12:27.760> time? 00:12:27.910 --> 00:12:27.920 align:start position:0% >> You didn't know any of this at the time? 00:12:27.920 --> 00:12:29.269 align:start position:0% >> You didn't know any of this at the time? >> No,<00:12:28.079> because<00:12:28.240> I<00:12:28.399> didn't<00:12:28.560> know<00:12:28.720> anything<00:12:28.959> about 00:12:29.269 --> 00:12:29.279 align:start position:0% >> No, because I didn't know anything about 00:12:29.279 --> 00:12:30.470 align:start position:0% >> No, because I didn't know anything about I<00:12:29.440> mean,<00:12:29.519> I<00:12:29.680> knew<00:12:29.839> she<00:12:30.000> was<00:12:30.160> doing<00:12:30.240> those 00:12:30.470 --> 00:12:30.480 align:start position:0% I mean, I knew she was doing those 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:32.069 align:start position:0% I mean, I knew she was doing those things,<00:12:30.560> but<00:12:30.800> I<00:12:30.959> didn't<00:12:31.120> know<00:12:31.360> what<00:12:31.680> sober 00:12:32.069 --> 00:12:32.079 align:start position:0% things, but I didn't know what sober 00:12:32.079 --> 00:12:33.430 align:start position:0% things, but I didn't know what sober meant.<00:12:32.399> I<00:12:32.639> didn't<00:12:32.720> know<00:12:32.800> what<00:12:33.040> addiction 00:12:33.430 --> 00:12:33.440 align:start position:0% meant. I didn't know what addiction 00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:34.949 align:start position:0% meant. I didn't know what addiction meant<00:12:34.079> really. 00:12:34.949 --> 00:12:34.959 align:start position:0% meant really. 00:12:34.959 --> 00:12:38.550 align:start position:0% meant really. >> Um,<00:12:35.440> and<00:12:35.760> she<00:12:36.720> was<00:12:37.120> good<00:12:37.519> salesperson<00:12:38.160> for<00:12:38.399> her 00:12:38.550 --> 00:12:38.560 align:start position:0% >> Um, and she was good salesperson for her 00:12:38.560 --> 00:12:41.269 align:start position:0% >> Um, and she was good salesperson for her own<00:12:38.720> [ __ ]<00:12:39.040> like<00:12:40.000> addicts,<00:12:40.480> right?<00:12:40.720> And<00:12:40.959> I 00:12:41.269 --> 00:12:41.279 align:start position:0% own [ __ ] like addicts, right? And I 00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:43.990 align:start position:0% own [ __ ] like addicts, right? And I was<00:12:41.440> an<00:12:41.760> eager<00:12:42.560> believer 00:12:43.990 --> 00:12:44.000 align:start position:0% was an eager believer 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:45.670 align:start position:0% was an eager believer >> of<00:12:44.399> every<00:12:44.720> single<00:12:44.959> thing<00:12:45.040> that<00:12:45.279> she<00:12:45.360> did.<00:12:45.600> So, 00:12:45.670 --> 00:12:45.680 align:start position:0% >> of every single thing that she did. So, 00:12:45.680 --> 00:12:47.750 align:start position:0% >> of every single thing that she did. So, that<00:12:45.920> was<00:12:46.000> her<00:12:46.240> darkness.<00:12:46.639> And<00:12:46.800> then<00:12:47.040> mine<00:12:47.360> was 00:12:47.750 --> 00:12:47.760 align:start position:0% that was her darkness. And then mine was 00:12:47.760 --> 00:12:49.430 align:start position:0% that was her darkness. And then mine was that<00:12:48.000> I<00:12:48.160> was<00:12:48.320> slowly<00:12:48.639> making<00:12:48.880> her<00:12:49.040> into<00:12:49.279> my 00:12:49.430 --> 00:12:49.440 align:start position:0% that I was slowly making her into my 00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:52.870 align:start position:0% that I was slowly making her into my God.<00:12:50.560> And<00:12:51.200> that<00:12:51.519> feeling<00:12:51.839> of<00:12:52.240> anchoring<00:12:52.639> and 00:12:52.870 --> 00:12:52.880 align:start position:0% God. And that feeling of anchoring and 00:12:52.880 --> 00:12:54.470 align:start position:0% God. And that feeling of anchoring and safety<00:12:53.200> in<00:12:53.440> another<00:12:53.760> human<00:12:54.000> being<00:12:54.240> is 00:12:54.470 --> 00:12:54.480 align:start position:0% safety in another human being is 00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:55.829 align:start position:0% safety in another human being is something<00:12:54.720> that<00:12:54.880> I've<00:12:55.120> been<00:12:55.200> looking<00:12:55.360> for<00:12:55.600> my 00:12:55.829 --> 00:12:55.839 align:start position:0% something that I've been looking for my 00:12:55.839 --> 00:12:58.069 align:start position:0% something that I've been looking for my entire<00:12:56.160> life.<00:12:56.399> And<00:12:56.560> so<00:12:56.720> when<00:12:56.959> I<00:12:57.600> found<00:12:57.839> that 00:12:58.069 --> 00:12:58.079 align:start position:0% entire life. And so when I found that 00:12:58.079 --> 00:12:59.750 align:start position:0% entire life. And so when I found that feeling,<00:12:58.399> I'm<00:12:58.560> like,<00:12:58.720> "Oh,<00:12:59.040> this<00:12:59.200> is<00:12:59.360> now<00:12:59.600> my 00:12:59.750 --> 00:12:59.760 align:start position:0% feeling, I'm like, "Oh, this is now my 00:12:59.760 --> 00:13:02.389 align:start position:0% feeling, I'm like, "Oh, this is now my God."<00:13:00.720> Um,<00:13:01.120> which<00:13:01.360> is<00:13:01.519> why<00:13:01.680> I<00:13:01.920> felt<00:13:02.079> like<00:13:02.240> the 00:13:02.389 --> 00:13:02.399 align:start position:0% God." Um, which is why I felt like the 00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:04.150 align:start position:0% God." Um, which is why I felt like the bottom<00:13:02.800> fell<00:13:02.959> out<00:13:03.120> of<00:13:03.200> my<00:13:03.360> world<00:13:03.600> when<00:13:03.839> she<00:13:04.000> was 00:13:04.150 --> 00:13:04.160 align:start position:0% bottom fell out of my world when she was 00:13:04.160 --> 00:13:06.470 align:start position:0% bottom fell out of my world when she was diagnosed<00:13:04.720> because<00:13:05.040> now<00:13:05.440> my<00:13:05.680> God<00:13:05.920> is<00:13:06.160> going<00:13:06.320> to 00:13:06.470 --> 00:13:06.480 align:start position:0% diagnosed because now my God is going to 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:11.030 align:start position:0% diagnosed because now my God is going to die.<00:13:07.440> So<00:13:08.160> what<00:13:08.399> do<00:13:08.560> I<00:13:08.800> do<00:13:09.360> as<00:13:09.680> an<00:13:09.920> acolyte<00:13:10.560> to<00:13:10.800> my 00:13:11.030 --> 00:13:11.040 align:start position:0% die. So what do I do as an acolyte to my 00:13:11.040 --> 00:13:13.990 align:start position:0% die. So what do I do as an acolyte to my God?<00:13:11.600> I<00:13:11.920> serve<00:13:12.240> them.<00:13:12.959> I<00:13:13.200> give<00:13:13.360> my<00:13:13.519> life<00:13:13.760> as 00:13:13.990 --> 00:13:14.000 align:start position:0% God? I serve them. I give my life as 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:16.550 align:start position:0% God? I serve them. I give my life as sacrifice<00:13:14.399> to<00:13:14.639> them.<00:13:15.279> I<00:13:15.839> indulge<00:13:16.320> every 00:13:16.550 --> 00:13:16.560 align:start position:0% sacrifice to them. I indulge every 00:13:16.560 --> 00:13:17.829 align:start position:0% sacrifice to them. I indulge every single<00:13:16.800> thing<00:13:16.959> that<00:13:17.120> they<00:13:17.279> could<00:13:17.440> possibly 00:13:17.829 --> 00:13:17.839 align:start position:0% single thing that they could possibly 00:13:17.839 --> 00:13:20.790 align:start position:0% single thing that they could possibly ever<00:13:18.079> want.<00:13:18.959> Right.<00:13:19.279> I<00:13:19.519> set<00:13:19.920> no<00:13:20.320> You<00:13:20.480> don't<00:13:20.639> set 00:13:20.790 --> 00:13:20.800 align:start position:0% ever want. Right. I set no You don't set 00:13:20.800 --> 00:13:23.430 align:start position:0% ever want. Right. I set no You don't set boundaries<00:13:21.120> with<00:13:21.360> a<00:13:21.519> god.<00:13:22.399> Right.<00:13:22.959> Boundary 00:13:23.430 --> 00:13:23.440 align:start position:0% boundaries with a god. Right. Boundary 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:25.750 align:start position:0% boundaries with a god. Right. Boundary first<00:13:23.600> of<00:13:23.680> all<00:13:23.920> anyway.<00:13:24.240> What<00:13:24.560> even<00:13:24.800> is<00:13:25.040> that? 00:13:25.750 --> 00:13:25.760 align:start position:0% first of all anyway. What even is that? 00:13:25.760 --> 00:13:27.190 align:start position:0% first of all anyway. What even is that? >> I'm<00:13:25.920> just<00:13:26.079> trying<00:13:26.240> to<00:13:26.320> think<00:13:26.480> about<00:13:26.800> what<00:13:26.959> that 00:13:27.190 --> 00:13:27.200 align:start position:0% >> I'm just trying to think about what that 00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:28.550 align:start position:0% >> I'm just trying to think about what that would<00:13:27.360> look<00:13:27.519> like.<00:13:27.839> Yeah.<00:13:28.160> Setting 00:13:28.550 --> 00:13:28.560 align:start position:0% would look like. Yeah. Setting 00:13:28.560 --> 00:13:29.910 align:start position:0% would look like. Yeah. Setting boundaries<00:13:28.959> with<00:13:29.200> a<00:13:29.360> God<00:13:29.519> like 00:13:29.910 --> 00:13:29.920 align:start position:0% boundaries with a God like 00:13:29.920 --> 00:13:33.269 align:start position:0% boundaries with a God like >> you<00:13:30.079> don't.<00:13:30.320> I<00:13:30.480> mean<00:13:31.200> I<00:13:31.440> beca<00:13:31.839> So<00:13:32.079> I<00:13:32.480> put<00:13:32.720> myself 00:13:33.269 --> 00:13:33.279 align:start position:0% >> you don't. I mean I beca So I put myself 00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:35.110 align:start position:0% >> you don't. I mean I beca So I put myself in<00:13:33.600> this 00:13:35.110 --> 00:13:35.120 align:start position:0% in this 00:13:35.120 --> 00:13:37.670 align:start position:0% in this >> in<00:13:35.440> this<00:13:35.600> position<00:13:36.079> of<00:13:36.480> servitude 00:13:37.670 --> 00:13:37.680 align:start position:0% >> in this position of servitude 00:13:37.680 --> 00:13:39.590 align:start position:0% >> in this position of servitude >> and<00:13:38.000> service<00:13:38.320> which<00:13:38.560> was<00:13:38.800> also<00:13:39.120> much<00:13:39.440> more 00:13:39.590 --> 00:13:39.600 align:start position:0% >> and service which was also much more 00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:42.150 align:start position:0% >> and service which was also much more easily<00:13:40.000> done<00:13:40.399> because<00:13:40.880> she<00:13:41.120> was<00:13:41.279> dying<00:13:42.000> you 00:13:42.150 --> 00:13:42.160 align:start position:0% easily done because she was dying you 00:13:42.160 --> 00:13:43.269 align:start position:0% easily done because she was dying you know<00:13:42.320> because<00:13:42.399> she<00:13:42.560> had<00:13:42.720> cancer.<00:13:42.959> So<00:13:43.120> it's 00:13:43.269 --> 00:13:43.279 align:start position:0% know because she had cancer. So it's 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:45.350 align:start position:0% know because she had cancer. So it's like<00:13:43.360> I<00:13:43.519> will<00:13:43.680> be<00:13:43.839> in<00:13:44.160> service<00:13:44.399> to<00:13:44.639> you. 00:13:45.350 --> 00:13:45.360 align:start position:0% like I will be in service to you. 00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:48.310 align:start position:0% like I will be in service to you. >> Um<00:13:45.680> but<00:13:46.079> any<00:13:46.399> want<00:13:46.800> that<00:13:47.040> you<00:13:47.279> have<00:13:48.000> I<00:13:48.160> will 00:13:48.310 --> 00:13:48.320 align:start position:0% >> Um but any want that you have I will 00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:50.150 align:start position:0% >> Um but any want that you have I will make<00:13:48.560> like<00:13:48.959> I<00:13:49.200> could<00:13:49.360> not<00:13:49.519> bear<00:13:49.760> for<00:13:49.839> her<00:13:50.000> to 00:13:50.150 --> 00:13:50.160 align:start position:0% make like I could not bear for her to 00:13:50.160 --> 00:13:52.310 align:start position:0% make like I could not bear for her to have<00:13:50.240> a<00:13:50.399> want.<00:13:50.880> So<00:13:51.200> anything<00:13:51.440> that<00:13:51.680> she<00:13:51.920> wanted 00:13:52.310 --> 00:13:52.320 align:start position:0% have a want. So anything that she wanted 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:54.710 align:start position:0% have a want. So anything that she wanted I<00:13:52.560> would<00:13:52.959> give<00:13:53.279> and<00:13:53.600> provide.<00:13:54.240> And<00:13:54.399> that<00:13:54.560> is 00:13:54.710 --> 00:13:54.720 align:start position:0% I would give and provide. And that is 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:56.550 align:start position:0% I would give and provide. And that is not<00:13:54.880> the<00:13:55.040> first<00:13:55.200> time<00:13:55.279> I<00:13:55.519> have<00:13:55.680> done<00:13:55.839> that. 00:13:56.550 --> 00:13:56.560 align:start position:0% not the first time I have done that. 00:13:56.560 --> 00:13:58.550 align:start position:0% not the first time I have done that. >> Um<00:13:57.120> didn't<00:13:57.360> turn<00:13:57.519> out<00:13:57.680> to<00:13:57.760> be<00:13:57.920> the<00:13:58.079> last<00:13:58.240> time<00:13:58.399> I 00:13:58.550 --> 00:13:58.560 align:start position:0% >> Um didn't turn out to be the last time I 00:13:58.560 --> 00:14:00.790 align:start position:0% >> Um didn't turn out to be the last time I would<00:13:58.720> do<00:13:58.800> it<00:13:58.959> either.<00:13:59.279> So<00:13:59.519> this<00:13:59.680> is<00:13:59.920> my<00:14:00.480> this 00:14:00.790 --> 00:14:00.800 align:start position:0% would do it either. So this is my this 00:14:00.800 --> 00:14:03.670 align:start position:0% would do it either. So this is my this is<00:14:00.880> my<00:14:01.199> way<00:14:01.519> of<00:14:02.480> securing<00:14:02.959> what<00:14:03.120> we<00:14:03.279> call<00:14:03.440> in 00:14:03.670 --> 00:14:03.680 align:start position:0% is my way of securing what we call in 00:14:03.680 --> 00:14:05.189 align:start position:0% is my way of securing what we call in the<00:14:03.760> rooms<00:14:04.000> of<00:14:04.160> recovery<00:14:04.480> lava.<00:14:04.959> Love, 00:14:05.189 --> 00:14:05.199 align:start position:0% the rooms of recovery lava. Love, 00:14:05.199 --> 00:14:07.110 align:start position:0% the rooms of recovery lava. Love, attention,<00:14:05.600> validation<00:14:06.079> and<00:14:06.320> acceptance. 00:14:07.110 --> 00:14:07.120 align:start position:0% attention, validation and acceptance. 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:08.790 align:start position:0% attention, validation and acceptance. >> Love,<00:14:07.440> attention,<00:14:08.079> validation<00:14:08.560> and 00:14:08.790 --> 00:14:08.800 align:start position:0% >> Love, attention, validation and 00:14:08.800 --> 00:14:09.350 align:start position:0% >> Love, attention, validation and acceptance. 00:14:09.350 --> 00:14:09.360 align:start position:0% acceptance. 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:12.389 align:start position:0% acceptance. >> So<00:14:09.600> that's<00:14:09.920> my<00:14:10.240> drug.<00:14:11.360> So<00:14:11.600> if<00:14:11.839> somebody<00:14:12.160> can 00:14:12.389 --> 00:14:12.399 align:start position:0% >> So that's my drug. So if somebody can 00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:14.870 align:start position:0% >> So that's my drug. So if somebody can provide<00:14:12.720> me<00:14:12.959> with<00:14:13.120> a<00:14:13.360> feeling<00:14:13.680> of<00:14:13.839> that,<00:14:14.639> you 00:14:14.870 --> 00:14:14.880 align:start position:0% provide me with a feeling of that, you 00:14:14.880 --> 00:14:16.790 align:start position:0% provide me with a feeling of that, you can<00:14:15.040> have<00:14:15.279> my<00:14:15.519> whole<00:14:15.680> entire<00:14:16.079> life, 00:14:16.790 --> 00:14:16.800 align:start position:0% can have my whole entire life, 00:14:16.800 --> 00:14:18.790 align:start position:0% can have my whole entire life, >> right?<00:14:17.279> And<00:14:17.519> everything<00:14:17.839> that<00:14:18.000> Rya<00:14:18.399> did<00:14:18.560> was 00:14:18.790 --> 00:14:18.800 align:start position:0% >> right? And everything that Rya did was 00:14:18.800 --> 00:14:20.470 align:start position:0% >> right? And everything that Rya did was right<00:14:19.120> and<00:14:19.440> everything<00:14:19.680> she<00:14:19.920> believed<00:14:20.240> was 00:14:20.470 --> 00:14:20.480 align:start position:0% right and everything she believed was 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:21.269 align:start position:0% right and everything she believed was right 00:14:21.269 --> 00:14:21.279 align:start position:0% right 00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:22.790 align:start position:0% right >> and<00:14:21.600> she<00:14:21.839> was<00:14:22.000> the<00:14:22.160> answer<00:14:22.399> to<00:14:22.560> every 00:14:22.790 --> 00:14:22.800 align:start position:0% >> and she was the answer to every 00:14:22.800 --> 00:14:23.670 align:start position:0% >> and she was the answer to every question. 00:14:23.670 --> 00:14:23.680 align:start position:0% question. 00:14:23.680 --> 00:14:25.110 align:start position:0% question. >> In<00:14:23.839> the<00:14:24.000> moment,<00:14:24.240> you<00:14:24.480> didn't<00:14:24.639> know<00:14:24.800> this, 00:14:25.110 --> 00:14:25.120 align:start position:0% >> In the moment, you didn't know this, 00:14:25.120 --> 00:14:26.629 align:start position:0% >> In the moment, you didn't know this, right?<00:14:25.360> You<00:14:25.440> weren't<00:14:25.680> aware<00:14:26.000> of<00:14:26.160> this.<00:14:26.480> This 00:14:26.629 --> 00:14:26.639 align:start position:0% right? You weren't aware of this. This 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:26.870 align:start position:0% right? You weren't aware of this. This was 00:14:26.870 --> 00:14:26.880 align:start position:0% was 00:14:26.880 --> 00:14:27.990 align:start position:0% was >> I<00:14:26.959> was<00:14:27.040> like,<00:14:27.199> we're<00:14:27.440> living<00:14:27.600> the<00:14:27.760> greatest 00:14:27.990 --> 00:14:28.000 align:start position:0% >> I was like, we're living the greatest 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:29.750 align:start position:0% >> I was like, we're living the greatest love<00:14:28.240> story<00:14:28.399> the<00:14:28.639> world<00:14:28.720> has<00:14:28.959> ever<00:14:29.120> known. 00:14:29.750 --> 00:14:29.760 align:start position:0% love story the world has ever known. 00:14:29.760 --> 00:14:31.829 align:start position:0% love story the world has ever known. >> Um,<00:14:30.000> and<00:14:30.240> it<00:14:30.399> felt<00:14:30.560> like<00:14:30.720> that<00:14:31.120> for<00:14:31.360> for<00:14:31.680> a 00:14:31.829 --> 00:14:31.839 align:start position:0% >> Um, and it felt like that for for a 00:14:31.839 --> 00:14:33.430 align:start position:0% >> Um, and it felt like that for for a while.<00:14:32.000> I<00:14:32.160> mean,<00:14:32.320> we<00:14:32.560> got<00:14:32.720> really<00:14:32.959> high<00:14:33.199> off 00:14:33.430 --> 00:14:33.440 align:start position:0% while. I mean, we got really high off 00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:34.949 align:start position:0% while. I mean, we got really high off each<00:14:33.600> other.<00:14:33.839> I<00:14:34.079> certainly<00:14:34.399> got<00:14:34.560> very<00:14:34.800> high 00:14:34.949 --> 00:14:34.959 align:start position:0% each other. I certainly got very high 00:14:34.959 --> 00:14:35.990 align:start position:0% each other. I certainly got very high off<00:14:35.120> of<00:14:35.279> her. 00:14:35.990 --> 00:14:36.000 align:start position:0% off of her. 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:38.710 align:start position:0% off of her. >> Um,<00:14:36.720> like<00:14:37.040> if<00:14:37.199> I'm<00:14:37.360> getting<00:14:37.600> lava, 00:14:38.710 --> 00:14:38.720 align:start position:0% >> Um, like if I'm getting lava, 00:14:38.720 --> 00:14:41.189 align:start position:0% >> Um, like if I'm getting lava, >> what<00:14:38.959> a<00:14:39.199> convenient<00:14:39.600> acronym.<00:14:40.160> It's<00:14:40.320> just 00:14:41.189 --> 00:14:41.199 align:start position:0% >> what a convenient acronym. It's just 00:14:41.199 --> 00:14:43.430 align:start position:0% >> what a convenient acronym. It's just really<00:14:41.360> good.<00:14:41.760> So<00:14:41.920> good.<00:14:42.720> And<00:14:42.880> also,<00:14:43.120> if<00:14:43.279> I'm 00:14:43.430 --> 00:14:43.440 align:start position:0% really good. So good. And also, if I'm 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:44.870 align:start position:0% really good. So good. And also, if I'm getting<00:14:43.680> lava, 00:14:44.870 --> 00:14:44.880 align:start position:0% getting lava, 00:14:44.880 --> 00:14:46.389 align:start position:0% getting lava, >> if<00:14:45.120> you<00:14:45.199> if<00:14:45.440> there's<00:14:45.680> a<00:14:45.839> threat<00:14:46.000> that<00:14:46.240> you 00:14:46.389 --> 00:14:46.399 align:start position:0% >> if you if there's a threat that you 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:47.910 align:start position:0% >> if you if there's a threat that you might<00:14:46.560> now<00:14:46.800> withhold<00:14:47.279> it, 00:14:47.910 --> 00:14:47.920 align:start position:0% might now withhold it, 00:14:47.920 --> 00:14:48.629 align:start position:0% might now withhold it, >> right, 00:14:48.629 --> 00:14:48.639 align:start position:0% >> right, 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:51.189 align:start position:0% >> right, >> I'm<00:14:48.959> going<00:14:49.120> to<00:14:49.440> die.<00:14:50.000> Like,<00:14:50.320> I<00:14:50.560> will<00:14:50.800> go<00:14:50.959> into 00:14:51.189 --> 00:14:51.199 align:start position:0% >> I'm going to die. Like, I will go into 00:14:51.199 --> 00:14:53.509 align:start position:0% >> I'm going to die. Like, I will go into withdrawal.<00:14:51.920> I<00:14:52.160> will<00:14:52.320> go<00:14:52.480> into<00:14:52.880> despair.<00:14:53.360> I 00:14:53.509 --> 00:14:53.519 align:start position:0% withdrawal. I will go into despair. I 00:14:53.519 --> 00:14:55.750 align:start position:0% withdrawal. I will go into despair. I will<00:14:53.680> go<00:14:53.760> into<00:14:53.920> chaos.<00:14:54.399> So,<00:14:54.800> this<00:14:55.040> is<00:14:55.279> what<00:14:55.519> we 00:14:55.750 --> 00:14:55.760 align:start position:0% will go into chaos. So, this is what we 00:14:55.760 --> 00:14:58.069 align:start position:0% will go into chaos. So, this is what we were<00:14:55.920> co-creating.<00:14:56.800> And<00:14:57.120> um<00:14:57.279> and<00:14:57.519> so<00:14:57.680> by<00:14:57.920> the 00:14:58.069 --> 00:14:58.079 align:start position:0% were co-creating. And um and so by the 00:14:58.079 --> 00:15:01.910 align:start position:0% were co-creating. And um and so by the time<00:14:59.360> her<00:14:59.680> pain<00:15:00.000> from 00:15:01.910 --> 00:15:01.920 align:start position:0% time her pain from 00:15:01.920 --> 00:15:03.350 align:start position:0% time her pain from her<00:15:02.079> pain<00:15:02.240> from<00:15:02.480> cancer<00:15:02.720> and<00:15:02.880> her<00:15:03.040> fear<00:15:03.199> of 00:15:03.350 --> 00:15:03.360 align:start position:0% her pain from cancer and her fear of 00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:05.750 align:start position:0% her pain from cancer and her fear of death<00:15:04.160> got<00:15:04.399> significant<00:15:04.959> enough<00:15:05.199> that<00:15:05.519> she 00:15:05.750 --> 00:15:05.760 align:start position:0% death got significant enough that she 00:15:05.760 --> 00:15:08.470 align:start position:0% death got significant enough that she was<00:15:06.079> given<00:15:06.320> a<00:15:06.560> lot<00:15:06.639> of<00:15:06.720> opioids,<00:15:07.920> which<00:15:08.240> now 00:15:08.470 --> 00:15:08.480 align:start position:0% was given a lot of opioids, which now 00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:10.870 align:start position:0% was given a lot of opioids, which now she's<00:15:08.720> got<00:15:08.800> opioids<00:15:09.279> in<00:15:09.440> her<00:15:09.600> system.<00:15:10.160> And<00:15:10.720> you 00:15:10.870 --> 00:15:10.880 align:start position:0% she's got opioids in her system. And you 00:15:10.880 --> 00:15:12.310 align:start position:0% she's got opioids in her system. And you know,<00:15:10.959> when<00:15:11.120> I<00:15:11.199> asked<00:15:11.440> her<00:15:11.519> what<00:15:11.680> it<00:15:11.839> felt<00:15:12.000> like 00:15:12.310 --> 00:15:12.320 align:start position:0% know, when I asked her what it felt like 00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:14.069 align:start position:0% know, when I asked her what it felt like the<00:15:12.560> first<00:15:12.639> time<00:15:12.800> she<00:15:13.040> took<00:15:13.279> a<00:15:13.440> morphine<00:15:13.839> pill, 00:15:14.069 --> 00:15:14.079 align:start position:0% the first time she took a morphine pill, 00:15:14.079 --> 00:15:16.069 align:start position:0% the first time she took a morphine pill, she<00:15:14.160> was<00:15:14.240> like,<00:15:14.399> "Hello,<00:15:14.720> old<00:15:14.959> friend."<00:15:15.760> Like 00:15:16.069 --> 00:15:16.079 align:start position:0% she was like, "Hello, old friend." Like 00:15:16.079 --> 00:15:18.949 align:start position:0% she was like, "Hello, old friend." Like literally,<00:15:16.880> I<00:15:17.120> mean,<00:15:17.360> this<00:15:17.600> is<00:15:17.839> this<00:15:18.160> is<00:15:18.639> that 00:15:18.949 --> 00:15:18.959 align:start position:0% literally, I mean, this is this is that 00:15:18.959 --> 00:15:21.509 align:start position:0% literally, I mean, this is this is that was<00:15:19.120> the<00:15:19.360> love<00:15:19.519> of<00:15:19.760> her<00:15:20.000> life.<00:15:20.480> Opioids<00:15:21.120> were 00:15:21.509 --> 00:15:21.519 align:start position:0% was the love of her life. Opioids were 00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:23.269 align:start position:0% was the love of her life. Opioids were the<00:15:21.839> thing<00:15:21.920> that<00:15:22.160> she<00:15:22.399> had<00:15:22.560> always<00:15:22.800> loved<00:15:23.040> and 00:15:23.269 --> 00:15:23.279 align:start position:0% the thing that she had always loved and 00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:25.910 align:start position:0% the thing that she had always loved and had<00:15:23.440> longed<00:15:23.760> for<00:15:24.000> for<00:15:24.240> many<00:15:24.480> years.<00:15:25.360> Um,<00:15:25.760> and 00:15:25.910 --> 00:15:25.920 align:start position:0% had longed for for many years. Um, and 00:15:25.920 --> 00:15:27.670 align:start position:0% had longed for for many years. Um, and then<00:15:26.079> when<00:15:26.240> the<00:15:26.399> opioids<00:15:26.880> started<00:15:27.199> making<00:15:27.440> her 00:15:27.670 --> 00:15:27.680 align:start position:0% then when the opioids started making her 00:15:27.680 --> 00:15:29.509 align:start position:0% then when the opioids started making her feel<00:15:27.839> really<00:15:28.079> down,<00:15:28.560> she<00:15:28.800> was<00:15:28.880> like,<00:15:29.040> "If<00:15:29.360> I 00:15:29.509 --> 00:15:29.519 align:start position:0% feel really down, she was like, "If I 00:15:29.519 --> 00:15:32.069 align:start position:0% feel really down, she was like, "If I just<00:15:29.680> add<00:15:29.839> a<00:15:30.000> touch<00:15:30.160> of<00:15:30.320> cocaine<00:15:30.720> to<00:15:30.880> this<00:15:31.839> and 00:15:32.069 --> 00:15:32.079 align:start position:0% just add a touch of cocaine to this and 00:15:32.079 --> 00:15:33.750 align:start position:0% just add a touch of cocaine to this and then<00:15:32.240> we<00:15:32.480> were<00:15:32.639> off<00:15:32.800> to<00:15:32.959> the<00:15:33.040> races."<00:15:33.440> And<00:15:33.600> then 00:15:33.750 --> 00:15:33.760 align:start position:0% then we were off to the races." And then 00:15:33.760 --> 00:15:36.310 align:start position:0% then we were off to the races." And then from<00:15:34.000> that<00:15:34.560> moment,<00:15:35.040> things<00:15:35.360> did<00:15:35.839> spiral 00:15:36.310 --> 00:15:36.320 align:start position:0% from that moment, things did spiral 00:15:36.320 --> 00:15:38.550 align:start position:0% from that moment, things did spiral really<00:15:36.560> fast.<00:15:37.199> Like<00:15:37.440> I<00:15:37.600> would<00:15:37.680> say<00:15:37.839> that<00:15:38.000> from 00:15:38.550 --> 00:15:38.560 align:start position:0% really fast. Like I would say that from 00:15:38.560 --> 00:15:41.990 align:start position:0% really fast. Like I would say that from like<00:15:38.800> a<00:15:39.040> few<00:15:39.199> days<00:15:39.920> after<00:15:41.279> she<00:15:41.600> introduced 00:15:41.990 --> 00:15:42.000 align:start position:0% like a few days after she introduced 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:43.910 align:start position:0% like a few days after she introduced cocaine<00:15:42.399> into<00:15:42.639> her<00:15:42.880> system,<00:15:43.199> the<00:15:43.440> Rehea,<00:15:43.760> who 00:15:43.910 --> 00:15:43.920 align:start position:0% cocaine into her system, the Rehea, who 00:15:43.920 --> 00:15:45.189 align:start position:0% cocaine into her system, the Rehea, who I<00:15:44.160> knew<00:15:44.480> was<00:15:44.720> gone. 00:15:45.189 --> 00:15:45.199 align:start position:0% I knew was gone. 00:15:45.199 --> 00:15:47.350 align:start position:0% I knew was gone. >> Yeah.<00:15:45.360> I<00:15:45.600> want<00:15:45.760> to<00:15:46.079> you<00:15:46.399> get<00:15:46.560> the<00:15:46.800> sense<00:15:47.040> of 00:15:47.350 --> 00:15:47.360 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. I want to you get the sense of 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:49.990 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. I want to you get the sense of both<00:15:47.839> how<00:15:48.800> I<00:15:49.040> don't<00:15:49.199> want<00:15:49.279> to<00:15:49.440> say<00:15:49.600> it<00:15:49.839> was 00:15:49.990 --> 00:15:50.000 align:start position:0% both how I don't want to say it was 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:52.150 align:start position:0% both how I don't want to say it was slowm<00:15:50.320> moving<00:15:50.639> but<00:15:50.880> this<00:15:51.199> build<00:15:51.519> towards<00:15:51.920> this 00:15:52.150 --> 00:15:52.160 align:start position:0% slowm moving but this build towards this 00:15:52.160 --> 00:15:53.990 align:start position:0% slowm moving but this build towards this intense<00:15:52.800> love<00:15:53.040> and<00:15:53.279> safety<00:15:53.600> between<00:15:53.759> the<00:15:53.920> two 00:15:53.990 --> 00:15:54.000 align:start position:0% intense love and safety between the two 00:15:54.000 --> 00:15:56.310 align:start position:0% intense love and safety between the two of<00:15:54.079> you<00:15:54.240> was<00:15:54.399> was<00:15:55.120> more<00:15:55.360> than<00:15:55.519> a<00:15:55.680> decade<00:15:56.000> in<00:15:56.160> the 00:15:56.310 --> 00:15:56.320 align:start position:0% of you was was more than a decade in the 00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:58.949 align:start position:0% of you was was more than a decade in the making<00:15:56.720> correct<00:15:57.519> and<00:15:57.680> then<00:15:58.160> at<00:15:58.399> the<00:15:58.560> same<00:15:58.720> time 00:15:58.949 --> 00:15:58.959 align:start position:0% making correct and then at the same time 00:15:58.959 --> 00:16:01.590 align:start position:0% making correct and then at the same time it<00:15:59.120> it<00:15:59.440> sort<00:15:59.600> of<00:15:59.759> it<00:16:00.079> does<00:16:00.160> feel<00:16:00.320> like<00:16:00.480> it<00:16:00.639> veers 00:16:01.590 --> 00:16:01.600 align:start position:0% it it sort of it does feel like it veers 00:16:01.600 --> 00:16:03.269 align:start position:0% it it sort of it does feel like it veers so<00:16:01.839> quickly<00:16:02.079> which<00:16:02.320> you<00:16:02.399> keep<00:16:02.639> speaking<00:16:02.880> about 00:16:03.269 --> 00:16:03.279 align:start position:0% so quickly which you keep speaking about 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:04.629 align:start position:0% so quickly which you keep speaking about having<00:16:03.519> this<00:16:03.759> feeling<00:16:03.920> like<00:16:04.160> this<00:16:04.320> is<00:16:04.480> so 00:16:04.629 --> 00:16:04.639 align:start position:0% having this feeling like this is so 00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:07.509 align:start position:0% having this feeling like this is so sudden<00:16:04.959> how<00:16:05.120> did<00:16:05.279> I<00:16:05.839> get<00:16:06.079> here<00:16:06.800> and<00:16:07.040> there<00:16:07.199> is<00:16:07.360> a 00:16:07.509 --> 00:16:07.519 align:start position:0% sudden how did I get here and there is a 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:09.189 align:start position:0% sudden how did I get here and there is a part<00:16:07.680> of<00:16:07.839> this<00:16:08.240> book<00:16:08.560> that<00:16:08.720> I<00:16:08.880> would<00:16:08.959> love<00:16:09.040> for 00:16:09.189 --> 00:16:09.199 align:start position:0% part of this book that I would love for 00:16:09.199 --> 00:16:10.230 align:start position:0% part of this book that I would love for you<00:16:09.279> to<00:16:09.360> read<00:16:09.440> that<00:16:09.600> I<00:16:09.759> think<00:16:09.920> kind<00:16:10.079> of 00:16:10.230 --> 00:16:10.240 align:start position:0% you to read that I think kind of 00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:12.949 align:start position:0% you to read that I think kind of encapsulates<00:16:10.880> how<00:16:11.120> quickly<00:16:11.519> things 00:16:12.949 --> 00:16:12.959 align:start position:0% encapsulates how quickly things 00:16:12.959 --> 00:16:15.430 align:start position:0% encapsulates how quickly things >> got<00:16:13.279> extremely<00:16:13.680> bad<00:16:13.920> and<00:16:14.160> extremely<00:16:14.720> dark. 00:16:15.430 --> 00:16:15.440 align:start position:0% >> got extremely bad and extremely dark. 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:17.749 align:start position:0% >> got extremely bad and extremely dark. Um,<00:16:16.160> let<00:16:16.320> me<00:16:16.480> get<00:16:16.639> it<00:16:16.959> because<00:16:17.199> we<00:16:17.440> put<00:16:17.519> a 00:16:17.749 --> 00:16:17.759 align:start position:0% Um, let me get it because we put a 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:20.629 align:start position:0% Um, let me get it because we put a little<00:16:18.720> put<00:16:18.880> a<00:16:19.040> bookmark<00:16:19.440> in<00:16:19.600> here.<00:16:20.399> This<00:16:20.560> is 00:16:20.629 --> 00:16:20.639 align:start position:0% little put a bookmark in here. This is 00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:21.829 align:start position:0% little put a bookmark in here. This is the<00:16:20.880> moment<00:16:21.040> that<00:16:21.279> you're<00:16:21.440> speaking<00:16:21.680> about 00:16:21.829 --> 00:16:21.839 align:start position:0% the moment that you're speaking about 00:16:21.839 --> 00:16:26.710 align:start position:0% the moment that you're speaking about where<00:16:22.399> Rehea<00:16:22.959> is<00:16:23.199> in<00:16:23.440> serious<00:16:23.759> pain.<00:16:24.880> She<00:16:25.920> is 00:16:26.710 --> 00:16:26.720 align:start position:0% where Rehea is in serious pain. She is 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:28.949 align:start position:0% where Rehea is in serious pain. She is back<00:16:27.199> on<00:16:27.519> drugs.<00:16:27.920> She's<00:16:28.160> back<00:16:28.399> using<00:16:28.639> drugs, 00:16:28.949 --> 00:16:28.959 align:start position:0% back on drugs. She's back using drugs, 00:16:28.959 --> 00:16:31.030 align:start position:0% back on drugs. She's back using drugs, which<00:16:29.199> you're<00:16:29.360> helping<00:16:29.600> to<00:16:29.759> provide<00:16:30.079> for<00:16:30.240> her. 00:16:31.030 --> 00:16:31.040 align:start position:0% which you're helping to provide for her. 00:16:31.040 --> 00:16:33.509 align:start position:0% which you're helping to provide for her. Um,<00:16:32.399> and<00:16:32.639> you<00:16:32.800> feel<00:16:32.959> like<00:16:33.040> you're<00:16:33.199> out<00:16:33.360> of 00:16:33.509 --> 00:16:33.519 align:start position:0% Um, and you feel like you're out of 00:16:33.519 --> 00:16:35.430 align:start position:0% Um, and you feel like you're out of options.<00:16:33.920> You<00:16:34.160> feel<00:16:34.399> very<00:16:34.720> desperate.<00:16:35.199> You 00:16:35.430 --> 00:16:35.440 align:start position:0% options. You feel very desperate. You 00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:38.069 align:start position:0% options. You feel very desperate. You write,<00:16:35.680> "It<00:16:35.920> was<00:16:36.079> July<00:16:36.399> of<00:16:36.639> 2017<00:16:37.519> that<00:16:37.759> I<00:16:37.920> came 00:16:38.069 --> 00:16:38.079 align:start position:0% write, "It was July of 2017 that I came 00:16:38.079 --> 00:16:39.509 align:start position:0% write, "It was July of 2017 that I came up<00:16:38.160> with<00:16:38.320> a<00:16:38.480> really<00:16:38.639> good<00:16:38.800> idea<00:16:39.120> for<00:16:39.360> what 00:16:39.509 --> 00:16:39.519 align:start position:0% up with a really good idea for what 00:16:39.519 --> 00:16:41.509 align:start position:0% up with a really good idea for what would<00:16:39.680> save<00:16:40.000> me<00:16:40.480> from<00:16:40.639> the<00:16:40.880> nightmare<00:16:41.199> I<00:16:41.360> was 00:16:41.509 --> 00:16:41.519 align:start position:0% would save me from the nightmare I was 00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:43.269 align:start position:0% would save me from the nightmare I was now<00:16:41.680> trapped<00:16:41.920> in<00:16:42.000> with<00:16:42.160> Rehea.<00:16:42.800> Can<00:16:42.959> you<00:16:43.120> keep 00:16:43.269 --> 00:16:43.279 align:start position:0% now trapped in with Rehea. Can you keep 00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:45.110 align:start position:0% now trapped in with Rehea. Can you keep reading<00:16:43.519> from<00:16:43.759> page<00:16:44.079> 240?<00:16:44.480> Is<00:16:44.639> that<00:16:44.800> okay? 00:16:45.110 --> 00:16:45.120 align:start position:0% reading from page 240? Is that okay? 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:45.749 align:start position:0% reading from page 240? Is that okay? Okay. 00:16:45.749 --> 00:16:45.759 align:start position:0% Okay. 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:47.509 align:start position:0% Okay. >> And<00:16:45.920> at<00:16:46.160> that<00:16:46.320> point<00:16:46.560> too,<00:16:47.040> remember<00:16:47.279> that 00:16:47.509 --> 00:16:47.519 align:start position:0% >> And at that point too, remember that 00:16:47.519 --> 00:16:49.590 align:start position:0% >> And at that point too, remember that she's<00:16:47.759> a<00:16:47.920> hospice<00:16:48.320> patient.<00:16:48.880> So<00:16:49.120> like<00:16:49.360> what 00:16:49.590 --> 00:16:49.600 align:start position:0% she's a hospice patient. So like what 00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:50.629 align:start position:0% she's a hospice patient. So like what kind<00:16:49.680> of<00:16:49.839> intervention<00:16:50.240> are<00:16:50.399> you<00:16:50.480> going<00:16:50.560> to 00:16:50.629 --> 00:16:50.639 align:start position:0% kind of intervention are you going to 00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:52.470 align:start position:0% kind of intervention are you going to have<00:16:50.800> with<00:16:50.959> a<00:16:51.120> hospice<00:16:51.440> patient<00:16:51.680> because<00:16:51.920> she 00:16:52.470 --> 00:16:52.480 align:start position:0% have with a hospice patient because she 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:53.910 align:start position:0% have with a hospice patient because she like<00:16:52.720> you<00:16:52.880> can't<00:16:53.040> say<00:16:53.279> if<00:16:53.440> you<00:16:53.519> keep<00:16:53.759> doing 00:16:53.910 --> 00:16:53.920 align:start position:0% like you can't say if you keep doing 00:16:53.920 --> 00:16:55.269 align:start position:0% like you can't say if you keep doing drugs<00:16:54.160> at<00:16:54.399> this<00:16:54.560> level,<00:16:54.720> it's<00:16:54.959> going<00:16:55.040> to<00:16:55.120> kill 00:16:55.269 --> 00:16:55.279 align:start position:0% drugs at this level, it's going to kill 00:16:55.279 --> 00:16:55.990 align:start position:0% drugs at this level, it's going to kill you, 00:16:55.990 --> 00:16:56.000 align:start position:0% you, 00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:56.389 align:start position:0% you, >> right? 00:16:56.389 --> 00:16:56.399 align:start position:0% >> right? 00:16:56.399 --> 00:16:58.230 align:start position:0% >> right? >> Cuz<00:16:56.639> it<00:16:56.800> gave<00:16:56.959> her<00:16:57.040> a<00:16:57.199> blank<00:16:57.519> her<00:16:57.759> in<00:16:57.839> a<00:16:58.000> weird 00:16:58.230 --> 00:16:58.240 align:start position:0% >> Cuz it gave her a blank her in a weird 00:16:58.240 --> 00:16:59.590 align:start position:0% >> Cuz it gave her a blank her in a weird way,<00:16:58.399> her<00:16:58.560> death<00:16:58.800> sentence<00:16:59.120> gave<00:16:59.360> her<00:16:59.440> this 00:16:59.590 --> 00:16:59.600 align:start position:0% way, her death sentence gave her this 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:02.790 align:start position:0% way, her death sentence gave her this blank<00:16:59.920> check<00:17:00.720> to<00:17:01.040> just<00:17:01.839> use<00:17:02.160> whatever<00:17:02.480> she<00:17:02.639> was 00:17:02.790 --> 00:17:02.800 align:start position:0% blank check to just use whatever she was 00:17:02.800 --> 00:17:04.630 align:start position:0% blank check to just use whatever she was using<00:17:02.959> and<00:17:03.120> she'd<00:17:03.360> become<00:17:03.600> really<00:17:03.839> abusive. 00:17:04.630 --> 00:17:04.640 align:start position:0% using and she'd become really abusive. 00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:04.949 align:start position:0% using and she'd become really abusive. >> Yeah. 00:17:04.949 --> 00:17:04.959 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:17:04.959 --> 00:17:08.069 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> And<00:17:05.360> um<00:17:06.079> and<00:17:06.319> I<00:17:06.480> felt<00:17:06.640> like<00:17:06.720> I<00:17:06.880> had<00:17:07.039> no<00:17:07.199> way<00:17:07.360> out. 00:17:08.069 --> 00:17:08.079 align:start position:0% >> And um and I felt like I had no way out. 00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:10.549 align:start position:0% >> And um and I felt like I had no way out. She<00:17:08.319> has<00:17:08.480> to<00:17:08.640> die<00:17:08.959> now,<00:17:09.600> said<00:17:09.839> my<00:17:10.079> exhausted 00:17:10.549 --> 00:17:10.559 align:start position:0% She has to die now, said my exhausted 00:17:10.559 --> 00:17:12.150 align:start position:0% She has to die now, said my exhausted mind.<00:17:10.880> And<00:17:11.039> suddenly<00:17:11.439> this<00:17:11.600> seemed<00:17:11.839> like<00:17:12.000> a 00:17:12.150 --> 00:17:12.160 align:start position:0% mind. And suddenly this seemed like a 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:14.710 align:start position:0% mind. And suddenly this seemed like a terrific<00:17:12.559> solution.<00:17:13.600> After<00:17:13.919> all,<00:17:14.160> Rehea<00:17:14.559> was 00:17:14.710 --> 00:17:14.720 align:start position:0% terrific solution. After all, Rehea was 00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:16.549 align:start position:0% terrific solution. After all, Rehea was dying<00:17:14.959> already<00:17:15.439> anyway,<00:17:15.839> right?<00:17:16.160> I<00:17:16.400> just 00:17:16.549 --> 00:17:16.559 align:start position:0% dying already anyway, right? I just 00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:18.230 align:start position:0% dying already anyway, right? I just needed<00:17:16.799> to<00:17:16.959> move<00:17:17.120> the<00:17:17.360> process<00:17:17.600> along<00:17:18.000> before 00:17:18.230 --> 00:17:18.240 align:start position:0% needed to move the process along before 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:20.470 align:start position:0% needed to move the process along before things<00:17:18.480> got<00:17:18.720> even<00:17:18.959> worse<00:17:19.600> before<00:17:19.839> she<00:17:20.079> set<00:17:20.319> the 00:17:20.470 --> 00:17:20.480 align:start position:0% things got even worse before she set the 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:21.750 align:start position:0% things got even worse before she set the whole<00:17:20.640> building<00:17:20.880> on<00:17:21.039> fire<00:17:21.199> with<00:17:21.360> a<00:17:21.520> dropped 00:17:21.750 --> 00:17:21.760 align:start position:0% whole building on fire with a dropped 00:17:21.760 --> 00:17:24.069 align:start position:0% whole building on fire with a dropped cigarette<00:17:22.079> or<00:17:22.319> got<00:17:22.480> us<00:17:22.640> both<00:17:22.799> arrested.<00:17:23.919> She 00:17:24.069 --> 00:17:24.079 align:start position:0% cigarette or got us both arrested. She 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:26.069 align:start position:0% cigarette or got us both arrested. She had<00:17:24.240> to<00:17:24.400> die<00:17:24.720> and<00:17:24.880> I<00:17:25.199> was<00:17:25.360> the<00:17:25.520> one<00:17:25.600> who<00:17:25.760> had<00:17:25.919> to 00:17:26.069 --> 00:17:26.079 align:start position:0% had to die and I was the one who had to 00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:28.069 align:start position:0% had to die and I was the one who had to kill<00:17:26.240> her.<00:17:26.720> I<00:17:27.039> decided<00:17:27.360> I<00:17:27.520> would<00:17:27.679> do<00:17:27.760> it<00:17:27.919> the 00:17:28.069 --> 00:17:28.079 align:start position:0% kill her. I decided I would do it the 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:30.549 align:start position:0% kill her. I decided I would do it the next<00:17:28.240> day.<00:17:29.200> I<00:17:29.520> went<00:17:29.600> to<00:17:29.840> sleep<00:17:30.000> that<00:17:30.240> night<00:17:30.320> in 00:17:30.549 --> 00:17:30.559 align:start position:0% next day. I went to sleep that night in 00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:31.990 align:start position:0% next day. I went to sleep that night in peace<00:17:30.880> knowing<00:17:31.120> that<00:17:31.280> liberation<00:17:31.760> was 00:17:31.990 --> 00:17:32.000 align:start position:0% peace knowing that liberation was 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:33.669 align:start position:0% peace knowing that liberation was finally<00:17:32.320> in<00:17:32.480> sight.<00:17:32.799> I<00:17:32.960> also<00:17:33.120> hadn't<00:17:33.440> slept 00:17:33.669 --> 00:17:33.679 align:start position:0% finally in sight. I also hadn't slept 00:17:33.679 --> 00:17:35.590 align:start position:0% finally in sight. I also hadn't slept for<00:17:33.919> weeks<00:17:34.160> at<00:17:34.400> this<00:17:34.559> point<00:17:35.120> because<00:17:35.440> people 00:17:35.590 --> 00:17:35.600 align:start position:0% for weeks at this point because people 00:17:35.600 --> 00:17:37.430 align:start position:0% for weeks at this point because people on<00:17:35.840> cocaine<00:17:36.240> don't<00:17:36.480> sleep.<00:17:36.880> So,<00:17:37.039> she<00:17:37.280> was 00:17:37.430 --> 00:17:37.440 align:start position:0% on cocaine don't sleep. So, she was 00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:40.789 align:start position:0% on cocaine don't sleep. So, she was keeping<00:17:37.760> me<00:17:38.160> awake.<00:17:39.440> Um,<00:17:40.240> I<00:17:40.400> want<00:17:40.559> to<00:17:40.640> make 00:17:40.789 --> 00:17:40.799 align:start position:0% keeping me awake. Um, I want to make 00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:42.630 align:start position:0% keeping me awake. Um, I want to make something<00:17:41.039> extremely<00:17:41.600> clear<00:17:41.840> here.<00:17:42.320> When<00:17:42.559> I 00:17:42.630 --> 00:17:42.640 align:start position:0% something extremely clear here. When I 00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:44.870 align:start position:0% something extremely clear here. When I say<00:17:42.799> that<00:17:42.960> I<00:17:43.120> once<00:17:43.360> planned<00:17:43.679> to<00:17:43.840> murder<00:17:44.160> Rehea, 00:17:44.870 --> 00:17:44.880 align:start position:0% say that I once planned to murder Rehea, 00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:46.549 align:start position:0% say that I once planned to murder Rehea, I<00:17:45.039> don't<00:17:45.200> mean<00:17:45.440> that<00:17:45.679> the<00:17:45.919> idea<00:17:46.240> simply 00:17:46.549 --> 00:17:46.559 align:start position:0% I don't mean that the idea simply 00:17:46.559 --> 00:17:48.070 align:start position:0% I don't mean that the idea simply crossed<00:17:46.880> my<00:17:47.039> mind<00:17:47.200> that<00:17:47.440> my<00:17:47.679> life<00:17:47.840> would<00:17:48.000> be 00:17:48.070 --> 00:17:48.080 align:start position:0% crossed my mind that my life would be 00:17:48.080 --> 00:17:50.070 align:start position:0% crossed my mind that my life would be easier<00:17:48.320> if<00:17:48.480> she<00:17:48.640> were<00:17:48.799> gone.<00:17:49.360> I<00:17:49.600> mean<00:17:49.679> that<00:17:49.840> I 00:17:50.070 --> 00:17:50.080 align:start position:0% easier if she were gone. I mean that I 00:17:50.080 --> 00:17:52.230 align:start position:0% easier if she were gone. I mean that I fully<00:17:50.320> intended<00:17:50.720> to<00:17:50.880> kill<00:17:51.039> her.<00:17:51.679> And<00:17:51.840> I<00:17:52.080> tell 00:17:52.230 --> 00:17:52.240 align:start position:0% fully intended to kill her. And I tell 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:53.990 align:start position:0% fully intended to kill her. And I tell this<00:17:52.480> story<00:17:52.640> in<00:17:52.880> all<00:17:53.039> its<00:17:53.280> raw<00:17:53.520> honesty 00:17:53.990 --> 00:17:54.000 align:start position:0% this story in all its raw honesty 00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:55.669 align:start position:0% this story in all its raw honesty because<00:17:54.160> I<00:17:54.400> want<00:17:54.559> people<00:17:54.720> to<00:17:54.960> understand<00:17:55.360> how 00:17:55.669 --> 00:17:55.679 align:start position:0% because I want people to understand how 00:17:55.679 --> 00:17:58.150 align:start position:0% because I want people to understand how insane<00:17:56.640> codependency<00:17:57.440> can<00:17:57.600> make<00:17:57.760> a<00:17:57.919> person 00:17:58.150 --> 00:17:58.160 align:start position:0% insane codependency can make a person 00:17:58.160 --> 00:18:00.549 align:start position:0% insane codependency can make a person become.<00:17:59.039> I<00:17:59.280> mean,<00:17:59.600> I'm<00:17:59.840> the<00:18:00.000> nice<00:18:00.240> lady<00:18:00.400> who 00:18:00.549 --> 00:18:00.559 align:start position:0% become. I mean, I'm the nice lady who 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:02.950 align:start position:0% become. I mean, I'm the nice lady who wrote<00:18:00.799> Eat,<00:18:01.039> Pray,<00:18:01.280> Love,<00:18:02.000> and<00:18:02.240> I<00:18:02.400> came<00:18:02.640> very 00:18:02.950 --> 00:18:02.960 align:start position:0% wrote Eat, Pray, Love, and I came very 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:04.870 align:start position:0% wrote Eat, Pray, Love, and I came very close<00:18:03.280> to<00:18:03.520> premeditatedly<00:18:04.559> and 00:18:04.870 --> 00:18:04.880 align:start position:0% close to premeditatedly and 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:07.029 align:start position:0% close to premeditatedly and cold-bloodedly<00:18:05.679> murdering<00:18:06.160> my<00:18:06.400> partner 00:18:07.029 --> 00:18:07.039 align:start position:0% cold-bloodedly murdering my partner 00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:08.789 align:start position:0% cold-bloodedly murdering my partner because<00:18:07.360> she<00:18:07.600> had<00:18:07.760> taken<00:18:08.000> her<00:18:08.160> affection<00:18:08.559> away 00:18:08.789 --> 00:18:08.799 align:start position:0% because she had taken her affection away 00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:10.789 align:start position:0% because she had taken her affection away from<00:18:09.039> me,<00:18:09.360> and<00:18:09.600> because<00:18:09.840> I<00:18:10.080> was<00:18:10.240> extremely 00:18:10.789 --> 00:18:10.799 align:start position:0% from me, and because I was extremely 00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:12.950 align:start position:0% from me, and because I was extremely tired.<00:18:11.679> That's<00:18:12.000> the<00:18:12.160> sort<00:18:12.320> of<00:18:12.480> person<00:18:12.720> I 00:18:12.950 --> 00:18:12.960 align:start position:0% tired. That's the sort of person I 00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:18.950 align:start position:0% tired. That's the sort of person I become<00:18:13.280> when<00:18:13.520> I'm<00:18:13.760> in<00:18:13.919> my<00:18:14.160> insanity. 00:18:18.950 --> 00:18:18.960 align:start position:0% 00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:20.630 align:start position:0% I<00:18:19.200> mean,<00:18:19.360> you<00:18:19.520> wrote<00:18:19.760> these<00:18:20.000> words.<00:18:20.400> You've 00:18:20.630 --> 00:18:20.640 align:start position:0% I mean, you wrote these words. You've 00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:22.789 align:start position:0% I mean, you wrote these words. You've read<00:18:20.880> them<00:18:21.440> many<00:18:21.760> times,<00:18:22.080> but<00:18:22.320> can<00:18:22.480> I<00:18:22.559> ask<00:18:22.720> you 00:18:22.789 --> 00:18:22.799 align:start position:0% read them many times, but can I ask you 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:26.070 align:start position:0% read them many times, but can I ask you what<00:18:22.960> it<00:18:23.120> feels<00:18:23.280> like<00:18:23.360> to<00:18:23.840> to<00:18:24.240> read? 00:18:26.070 --> 00:18:26.080 align:start position:0% what it feels like to to read? 00:18:26.080 --> 00:18:30.470 align:start position:0% what it feels like to to read? You<00:18:26.320> know,<00:18:26.559> I<00:18:26.799> get<00:18:27.120> the<00:18:27.280> the<00:18:27.760> thing<00:18:27.919> I<00:18:28.240> feel<00:18:28.799> is 00:18:30.470 --> 00:18:30.480 align:start position:0% You know, I get the the thing I feel is 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:32.549 align:start position:0% You know, I get the the thing I feel is a<00:18:30.799> feeling<00:18:31.039> I<00:18:31.280> had<00:18:31.440> a<00:18:31.679> lot<00:18:31.840> when<00:18:32.080> I<00:18:32.240> was<00:18:32.320> writing 00:18:32.549 --> 00:18:32.559 align:start position:0% a feeling I had a lot when I was writing 00:18:32.559 --> 00:18:35.110 align:start position:0% a feeling I had a lot when I was writing this<00:18:32.799> book,<00:18:33.120> which<00:18:33.360> is 00:18:35.110 --> 00:18:35.120 align:start position:0% this book, which is 00:18:35.120 --> 00:18:36.470 align:start position:0% this book, which is first<00:18:35.280> of<00:18:35.440> all,<00:18:35.600> I'm<00:18:35.760> writing<00:18:35.919> it<00:18:36.080> from<00:18:36.320> the 00:18:36.470 --> 00:18:36.480 align:start position:0% first of all, I'm writing it from the 00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:40.070 align:start position:0% first of all, I'm writing it from the privileged<00:18:37.120> position<00:18:37.760> of<00:18:38.240> it's<00:18:38.559> over, 00:18:40.070 --> 00:18:40.080 align:start position:0% privileged position of it's over, 00:18:40.080 --> 00:18:41.029 align:start position:0% privileged position of it's over, you<00:18:40.320> know,<00:18:40.480> and 00:18:41.029 --> 00:18:41.039 align:start position:0% you know, and 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:42.950 align:start position:0% you know, and >> this<00:18:41.280> didn't<00:18:41.520> happen.<00:18:41.760> You<00:18:42.000> did<00:18:42.080> not<00:18:42.799> kill 00:18:42.950 --> 00:18:42.960 align:start position:0% >> this didn't happen. You did not kill 00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:46.710 align:start position:0% >> this didn't happen. You did not kill her.<00:18:43.679> Um<00:18:44.640> and 00:18:46.710 --> 00:18:46.720 align:start position:0% her. Um and 00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:50.710 align:start position:0% her. Um and and<00:18:48.160> the<00:18:48.400> privileged<00:18:48.880> position<00:18:49.280> of<00:18:50.080> healing 00:18:50.710 --> 00:18:50.720 align:start position:0% and the privileged position of healing 00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:52.710 align:start position:0% and the privileged position of healing not<00:18:50.960> just<00:18:51.120> the<00:18:51.360> trauma<00:18:51.679> of<00:18:51.919> this<00:18:52.160> circumstance 00:18:52.710 --> 00:18:52.720 align:start position:0% not just the trauma of this circumstance 00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:54.789 align:start position:0% not just the trauma of this circumstance but<00:18:53.039> the<00:18:53.280> trauma<00:18:53.600> that<00:18:53.760> led<00:18:54.000> me<00:18:54.160> to<00:18:54.320> become<00:18:54.559> the 00:18:54.789 --> 00:18:54.799 align:start position:0% but the trauma that led me to become the 00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:56.470 align:start position:0% but the trauma that led me to become the kind<00:18:54.960> of<00:18:55.120> person<00:18:55.360> who<00:18:55.600> would<00:18:55.919> give<00:18:56.160> my<00:18:56.320> life 00:18:56.470 --> 00:18:56.480 align:start position:0% kind of person who would give my life 00:18:56.480 --> 00:18:59.430 align:start position:0% kind of person who would give my life away<00:18:56.720> to<00:18:56.960> anybody<00:18:57.280> who<00:18:58.720> maybe<00:18:59.039> might<00:18:59.280> take 00:18:59.430 --> 00:18:59.440 align:start position:0% away to anybody who maybe might take 00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:00.950 align:start position:0% away to anybody who maybe might take care<00:18:59.600> of<00:18:59.760> me<00:18:59.840> for<00:19:00.080> a<00:19:00.240> minute. 00:19:00.950 --> 00:19:00.960 align:start position:0% care of me for a minute. 00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:03.909 align:start position:0% care of me for a minute. >> Um<00:19:02.400> and<00:19:02.720> the<00:19:02.960> privilege<00:19:03.200> of<00:19:03.360> sitting<00:19:03.600> on<00:19:03.760> the 00:19:03.909 --> 00:19:03.919 align:start position:0% >> Um and the privilege of sitting on the 00:19:03.919 --> 00:19:06.470 align:start position:0% >> Um and the privilege of sitting on the other<00:19:04.080> side<00:19:04.160> of<00:19:04.400> six<00:19:04.640> years<00:19:04.960> of<00:19:05.440> sobriety<00:19:06.160> and 00:19:06.470 --> 00:19:06.480 align:start position:0% other side of six years of sobriety and 00:19:06.480 --> 00:19:08.870 align:start position:0% other side of six years of sobriety and recovery<00:19:07.520> and<00:19:07.840> working<00:19:08.160> a<00:19:08.400> program<00:19:08.640> and 00:19:08.870 --> 00:19:08.880 align:start position:0% recovery and working a program and 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:10.549 align:start position:0% recovery and working a program and codependence<00:19:09.440> anonymous<00:19:09.919> and<00:19:10.160> like<00:19:10.320> all 00:19:10.549 --> 00:19:10.559 align:start position:0% codependence anonymous and like all 00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:13.029 align:start position:0% codependence anonymous and like all these<00:19:10.880> things<00:19:10.960> that<00:19:11.200> I've<00:19:11.440> done.<00:19:12.160> So,<00:19:12.720> I'm 00:19:13.029 --> 00:19:13.039 align:start position:0% these things that I've done. So, I'm 00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:14.390 align:start position:0% these things that I've done. So, I'm sitting<00:19:13.280> pretty<00:19:13.520> comfortably<00:19:14.000> here<00:19:14.240> right 00:19:14.390 --> 00:19:14.400 align:start position:0% sitting pretty comfortably here right 00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:14.789 align:start position:0% sitting pretty comfortably here right now, 00:19:14.789 --> 00:19:14.799 align:start position:0% now, 00:19:14.799 --> 00:19:15.350 align:start position:0% now, >> right? 00:19:15.350 --> 00:19:15.360 align:start position:0% >> right? 00:19:15.360 --> 00:19:17.029 align:start position:0% >> right? >> And<00:19:15.840> one<00:19:16.080> of<00:19:16.080> the<00:19:16.240> things<00:19:16.400> that<00:19:16.559> I<00:19:16.799> talk<00:19:16.960> about 00:19:17.029 --> 00:19:17.039 align:start position:0% >> And one of the things that I talk about 00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:19.190 align:start position:0% >> And one of the things that I talk about in<00:19:17.280> the<00:19:17.360> book<00:19:17.520> is<00:19:17.679> how<00:19:18.160> careful<00:19:18.480> and<00:19:18.640> I<00:19:18.799> I<00:19:19.039> try 00:19:19.190 --> 00:19:19.200 align:start position:0% in the book is how careful and I I try 00:19:19.200 --> 00:19:21.110 align:start position:0% in the book is how careful and I I try to<00:19:19.360> be<00:19:19.440> very<00:19:19.679> careful<00:19:19.919> in<00:19:20.080> the<00:19:20.240> book 00:19:21.110 --> 00:19:21.120 align:start position:0% to be very careful in the book 00:19:21.120 --> 00:19:24.470 align:start position:0% to be very careful in the book >> to<00:19:21.440> not<00:19:21.600> judge<00:19:22.000> either<00:19:23.280> her<00:19:23.600> or<00:19:23.840> any<00:19:24.160> earlier 00:19:24.470 --> 00:19:24.480 align:start position:0% >> to not judge either her or any earlier 00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:27.430 align:start position:0% >> to not judge either her or any earlier version<00:19:24.720> of<00:19:24.960> myself<00:19:25.919> because<00:19:26.559> those<00:19:27.039> people 00:19:27.430 --> 00:19:27.440 align:start position:0% version of myself because those people 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:29.750 align:start position:0% version of myself because those people did<00:19:27.679> not<00:19:28.400> were<00:19:28.640> not<00:19:28.880> sitting<00:19:29.200> comfortably<00:19:29.600> in 00:19:29.750 --> 00:19:29.760 align:start position:0% did not were not sitting comfortably in 00:19:29.760 --> 00:19:30.789 align:start position:0% did not were not sitting comfortably in that<00:19:29.919> moment, 00:19:30.789 --> 00:19:30.799 align:start position:0% that moment, 00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:32.789 align:start position:0% that moment, >> you<00:19:31.039> know,<00:19:31.280> and<00:19:31.840> were<00:19:32.160> just<00:19:32.400> trying<00:19:32.559> to 00:19:32.789 --> 00:19:32.799 align:start position:0% >> you know, and were just trying to 00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:36.070 align:start position:0% >> you know, and were just trying to survive<00:19:33.280> what<00:19:33.520> had<00:19:33.760> become<00:19:34.720> this<00:19:35.039> firestorm 00:19:36.070 --> 00:19:36.080 align:start position:0% survive what had become this firestorm 00:19:36.080 --> 00:19:39.750 align:start position:0% survive what had become this firestorm of<00:19:36.799> trauma.<00:19:38.160> And 00:19:39.750 --> 00:19:39.760 align:start position:0% of trauma. And 00:19:39.760 --> 00:19:41.990 align:start position:0% of trauma. And that<00:19:40.160> was<00:19:40.400> what<00:19:40.720> we<00:19:40.880> call<00:19:41.039> in<00:19:41.200> the<00:19:41.360> rooms<00:19:41.679> my 00:19:41.990 --> 00:19:42.000 align:start position:0% that was what we call in the rooms my 00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.390 align:start position:0% that was what we call in the rooms my best<00:19:42.320> thinking<00:19:42.880> on<00:19:43.200> that<00:19:43.440> day. 00:19:44.390 --> 00:19:44.400 align:start position:0% best thinking on that day. 00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:47.590 align:start position:0% best thinking on that day. >> Like,<00:19:44.960> and<00:19:45.200> what<00:19:45.440> Rehea<00:19:45.840> was<00:19:46.080> doing<00:19:46.960> was<00:19:47.280> her 00:19:47.590 --> 00:19:47.600 align:start position:0% >> Like, and what Rehea was doing was her 00:19:47.600 --> 00:19:50.150 align:start position:0% >> Like, and what Rehea was doing was her best<00:19:47.919> thinking<00:19:48.559> on<00:19:48.799> that<00:19:49.039> day.<00:19:49.679> Like,<00:19:50.000> that's 00:19:50.150 --> 00:19:50.160 align:start position:0% best thinking on that day. Like, that's 00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:52.470 align:start position:0% best thinking on that day. Like, that's what<00:19:50.320> we<00:19:50.480> were<00:19:50.720> down<00:19:50.880> to.<00:19:51.360> Like,<00:19:51.679> just<00:19:52.080> this<00:19:52.320> is 00:19:52.470 --> 00:19:52.480 align:start position:0% what we were down to. Like, just this is 00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:54.549 align:start position:0% what we were down to. Like, just this is our<00:19:52.720> best<00:19:52.960> idea.<00:19:53.520> You<00:19:53.679> know,<00:19:53.919> Rehea's<00:19:54.400> best 00:19:54.549 --> 00:19:54.559 align:start position:0% our best idea. You know, Rehea's best 00:19:54.559 --> 00:19:56.310 align:start position:0% our best idea. You know, Rehea's best idea<00:19:54.880> was<00:19:55.120> like,<00:19:55.520> I'm<00:19:55.760> just<00:19:55.840> going<00:19:56.000> to<00:19:56.080> lock 00:19:56.310 --> 00:19:56.320 align:start position:0% idea was like, I'm just going to lock 00:19:56.320 --> 00:19:57.830 align:start position:0% idea was like, I'm just going to lock myself<00:19:56.559> in<00:19:56.720> the<00:19:56.799> bathroom<00:19:57.039> with<00:19:57.280> thousands<00:19:57.679> of 00:19:57.830 --> 00:19:57.840 align:start position:0% myself in the bathroom with thousands of 00:19:57.840 --> 00:20:01.510 align:start position:0% myself in the bathroom with thousands of dollars<00:19:58.080> of<00:19:58.320> cocaine<00:19:59.280> and<00:19:59.679> opioids<00:20:00.400> and 00:20:01.510 --> 00:20:01.520 align:start position:0% dollars of cocaine and opioids and 00:20:01.520 --> 00:20:04.230 align:start position:0% dollars of cocaine and opioids and fentinol<00:20:02.320> and 00:20:04.230 --> 00:20:04.240 align:start position:0% fentinol and 00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:05.990 align:start position:0% fentinol and steroids,<00:20:04.799> and<00:20:05.039> I'm<00:20:05.200> just<00:20:05.440> going<00:20:05.600> to<00:20:05.760> try<00:20:05.840> to 00:20:05.990 --> 00:20:06.000 align:start position:0% steroids, and I'm just going to try to 00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:08.870 align:start position:0% steroids, and I'm just going to try to get<00:20:06.160> my<00:20:06.400> levels<00:20:06.799> right<00:20:07.120> so<00:20:07.360> that<00:20:07.520> I<00:20:07.840> just<00:20:08.160> don't 00:20:08.870 --> 00:20:08.880 align:start position:0% get my levels right so that I just don't 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:10.870 align:start position:0% get my levels right so that I just don't so<00:20:09.039> that<00:20:09.280> I'm<00:20:09.440> just<00:20:09.679> checked<00:20:10.000> out<00:20:10.240> enough<00:20:10.640> that 00:20:10.870 --> 00:20:10.880 align:start position:0% so that I'm just checked out enough that 00:20:10.880 --> 00:20:12.070 align:start position:0% so that I'm just checked out enough that I<00:20:11.120> don't<00:20:11.200> have<00:20:11.360> to<00:20:11.520> think<00:20:11.600> about<00:20:11.760> the<00:20:12.000> fact 00:20:12.070 --> 00:20:12.080 align:start position:0% I don't have to think about the fact 00:20:12.080 --> 00:20:14.710 align:start position:0% I don't have to think about the fact that<00:20:12.320> I'm<00:20:12.480> dying<00:20:12.799> or<00:20:13.120> be<00:20:13.280> in<00:20:13.440> pain,<00:20:14.080> but<00:20:14.320> not<00:20:14.480> so 00:20:14.710 --> 00:20:14.720 align:start position:0% that I'm dying or be in pain, but not so 00:20:14.720 --> 00:20:16.870 align:start position:0% that I'm dying or be in pain, but not so checked<00:20:14.960> out<00:20:15.120> that<00:20:15.360> I<00:20:15.600> overdose,<00:20:16.640> you<00:20:16.799> know, 00:20:16.870 --> 00:20:16.880 align:start position:0% checked out that I overdose, you know, 00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:19.190 align:start position:0% checked out that I overdose, you know, or<00:20:17.200> that<00:20:18.000> like<00:20:18.320> literally<00:20:18.640> I<00:20:18.880> couldn't<00:20:19.039> leave 00:20:19.190 --> 00:20:19.200 align:start position:0% or that like literally I couldn't leave 00:20:19.200 --> 00:20:21.190 align:start position:0% or that like literally I couldn't leave her<00:20:19.360> cuz<00:20:19.600> I<00:20:19.840> was<00:20:20.240> literally<00:20:20.559> afraid<00:20:20.880> she<00:20:21.120> was 00:20:21.190 --> 00:20:21.200 align:start position:0% her cuz I was literally afraid she was 00:20:21.200 --> 00:20:22.470 align:start position:0% her cuz I was literally afraid she was going<00:20:21.280> to<00:20:21.440> burn<00:20:21.679> the<00:20:21.840> building<00:20:22.000> down<00:20:22.160> cuz<00:20:22.320> she 00:20:22.470 --> 00:20:22.480 align:start position:0% going to burn the building down cuz she 00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:23.909 align:start position:0% going to burn the building down cuz she kept<00:20:22.640> falling<00:20:22.880> asleep.<00:20:23.280> with<00:20:23.440> cigarettes<00:20:23.760> in 00:20:23.909 --> 00:20:23.919 align:start position:0% kept falling asleep. with cigarettes in 00:20:23.919 --> 00:20:26.230 align:start position:0% kept falling asleep. with cigarettes in her<00:20:24.080> hands<00:20:24.400> all<00:20:24.559> over<00:20:24.720> the<00:20:24.960> furniture.<00:20:25.840> It<00:20:26.000> was 00:20:26.230 --> 00:20:26.240 align:start position:0% her hands all over the furniture. It was 00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:29.350 align:start position:0% her hands all over the furniture. It was really<00:20:26.559> scary,<00:20:26.880> out<00:20:27.039> of<00:20:27.200> control.<00:20:28.159> And<00:20:28.640> and<00:20:29.120> I 00:20:29.350 --> 00:20:29.360 align:start position:0% really scary, out of control. And and I 00:20:29.360 --> 00:20:30.470 align:start position:0% really scary, out of control. And and I see 00:20:30.470 --> 00:20:30.480 align:start position:0% see 00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:35.029 align:start position:0% see >> what<00:20:30.720> I<00:20:30.960> feel<00:20:31.280> is<00:20:31.840> is<00:20:32.559> tremendous<00:20:33.600> empathy<00:20:34.799> for 00:20:35.029 --> 00:20:35.039 align:start position:0% >> what I feel is is tremendous empathy for 00:20:35.039 --> 00:20:38.549 align:start position:0% >> what I feel is is tremendous empathy for these<00:20:35.360> two<00:20:35.520> suffering<00:20:36.000> people<00:20:36.880> and 00:20:38.549 --> 00:20:38.559 align:start position:0% these two suffering people and 00:20:38.559 --> 00:20:41.909 align:start position:0% these two suffering people and gratitude<00:20:39.679> that<00:20:40.400> it<00:20:40.720> didn't<00:20:40.960> go<00:20:41.120> that<00:20:41.360> way 00:20:41.909 --> 00:20:41.919 align:start position:0% gratitude that it didn't go that way 00:20:41.919 --> 00:20:43.750 align:start position:0% gratitude that it didn't go that way because 00:20:43.750 --> 00:20:43.760 align:start position:0% because 00:20:43.760 --> 00:20:46.390 align:start position:0% because the<00:20:44.159> only<00:20:44.480> thing<00:20:44.880> anyone<00:20:45.360> is<00:20:45.679> ever<00:20:46.000> trying<00:20:46.240> to 00:20:46.390 --> 00:20:46.400 align:start position:0% the only thing anyone is ever trying to 00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:49.990 align:start position:0% the only thing anyone is ever trying to do<00:20:46.559> is<00:20:46.799> get<00:20:46.960> through<00:20:47.120> the<00:20:47.360> day.<00:20:48.400> Like<00:20:49.600> you<00:20:49.840> can 00:20:49.990 --> 00:20:50.000 align:start position:0% do is get through the day. Like you can 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:51.909 align:start position:0% do is get through the day. Like you can take<00:20:50.159> a<00:20:50.400> pretty<00:20:50.559> good<00:20:50.799> guess<00:20:51.360> when<00:20:51.600> you<00:20:51.760> look 00:20:51.909 --> 00:20:51.919 align:start position:0% take a pretty good guess when you look 00:20:51.919 --> 00:20:53.830 align:start position:0% take a pretty good guess when you look at<00:20:52.159> literally<00:20:52.640> anyone<00:20:53.120> doing<00:20:53.360> literally 00:20:53.830 --> 00:20:53.840 align:start position:0% at literally anyone doing literally 00:20:53.840 --> 00:20:56.710 align:start position:0% at literally anyone doing literally anything<00:20:54.400> that<00:20:54.720> first<00:20:54.880> of<00:20:55.039> all<00:20:56.240> what<00:20:56.480> they're 00:20:56.710 --> 00:20:56.720 align:start position:0% anything that first of all what they're 00:20:56.720 --> 00:20:58.149 align:start position:0% anything that first of all what they're doing<00:20:56.880> is<00:20:57.120> what<00:20:57.280> they<00:20:57.440> think<00:20:57.600> is<00:20:57.840> a<00:20:58.000> really 00:20:58.149 --> 00:20:58.159 align:start position:0% doing is what they think is a really 00:20:58.159 --> 00:20:59.110 align:start position:0% doing is what they think is a really good<00:20:58.320> idea. 00:20:59.110 --> 00:20:59.120 align:start position:0% good idea. 00:20:59.120 --> 00:20:59.830 align:start position:0% good idea. >> Yeah. 00:20:59.830 --> 00:20:59.840 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:20:59.840 --> 00:21:02.070 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> They<00:21:00.000> have<00:21:00.400> it's<00:21:00.640> their<00:21:00.799> best<00:21:01.120> thinking<00:21:01.840> and 00:21:02.070 --> 00:21:02.080 align:start position:0% >> They have it's their best thinking and 00:21:02.080 --> 00:21:04.789 align:start position:0% >> They have it's their best thinking and they<00:21:02.320> did<00:21:02.480> not<00:21:02.640> wake<00:21:02.880> up<00:21:03.039> that<00:21:03.280> morning<00:21:03.679> saying 00:21:04.789 --> 00:21:04.799 align:start position:0% they did not wake up that morning saying 00:21:04.799 --> 00:21:07.190 align:start position:0% they did not wake up that morning saying how<00:21:04.960> can<00:21:05.120> I<00:21:05.360> be<00:21:05.919> the<00:21:06.240> worst<00:21:06.480> possible<00:21:06.960> version 00:21:07.190 --> 00:21:07.200 align:start position:0% how can I be the worst possible version 00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:08.390 align:start position:0% how can I be the worst possible version of<00:21:07.440> myself? 00:21:08.390 --> 00:21:08.400 align:start position:0% of myself? 00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:09.590 align:start position:0% of myself? >> Like 00:21:09.590 --> 00:21:09.600 align:start position:0% >> Like 00:21:09.600 --> 00:21:11.909 align:start position:0% >> Like >> no<00:21:10.080> they<00:21:10.320> woke<00:21:10.559> up<00:21:10.960> being<00:21:11.200> like<00:21:11.440> how<00:21:11.600> am<00:21:11.760> I 00:21:11.909 --> 00:21:11.919 align:start position:0% >> no they woke up being like how am I 00:21:11.919 --> 00:21:14.149 align:start position:0% >> no they woke up being like how am I going<00:21:12.000> to<00:21:12.080> make<00:21:12.159> it<00:21:12.320> through<00:21:12.799> another<00:21:13.280> day? 00:21:14.149 --> 00:21:14.159 align:start position:0% going to make it through another day? 00:21:14.159 --> 00:21:17.990 align:start position:0% going to make it through another day? And<00:21:15.440> the<00:21:15.760> thing<00:21:15.840> that<00:21:16.159> was<00:21:16.320> so<00:21:17.120> sacred<00:21:17.679> about 00:21:17.990 --> 00:21:18.000 align:start position:0% And the thing that was so sacred about 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:21.510 align:start position:0% And the thing that was so sacred about that<00:21:18.320> moment<00:21:18.640> that<00:21:18.799> I<00:21:19.039> just<00:21:19.200> read<00:21:19.600> was<00:21:19.919> that 00:21:21.510 --> 00:21:21.520 align:start position:0% that moment that I just read was that 00:21:21.520 --> 00:21:24.549 align:start position:0% that moment that I just read was that I<00:21:21.840> was<00:21:22.000> able<00:21:22.159> to<00:21:22.400> see,<00:21:23.440> oh,<00:21:23.840> people<00:21:24.080> really<00:21:24.320> are 00:21:24.549 --> 00:21:24.559 align:start position:0% I was able to see, oh, people really are 00:21:24.559 --> 00:21:26.310 align:start position:0% I was able to see, oh, people really are capable<00:21:24.880> of<00:21:25.120> anything. 00:21:26.310 --> 00:21:26.320 align:start position:0% capable of anything. 00:21:26.320 --> 00:21:31.430 align:start position:0% capable of anything. >> Like,<00:21:27.280> if<00:21:27.600> I'm<00:21:28.000> capable<00:21:28.720> of<00:21:29.039> murder,<00:21:30.400> um, 00:21:31.430 --> 00:21:31.440 align:start position:0% >> Like, if I'm capable of murder, um, 00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:33.590 align:start position:0% >> Like, if I'm capable of murder, um, anybody<00:21:31.919> is 00:21:33.590 --> 00:21:33.600 align:start position:0% anybody is 00:21:33.600 --> 00:21:35.830 align:start position:0% anybody is the<00:21:33.840> person<00:21:34.000> who<00:21:34.240> would<00:21:34.720> love<00:21:34.960> episode<00:21:35.360> if<00:21:35.520> Liz 00:21:35.830 --> 00:21:35.840 align:start position:0% the person who would love episode if Liz 00:21:35.840 --> 00:21:36.549 align:start position:0% the person who would love episode if Liz Gilbert<00:21:36.240> is 00:21:36.549 --> 00:21:36.559 align:start position:0% Gilbert is 00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:38.149 align:start position:0% Gilbert is >> right.<00:21:36.799> The<00:21:37.120> person<00:21:37.280> who<00:21:37.440> would<00:21:37.600> apologize<00:21:38.000> to 00:21:38.149 --> 00:21:38.159 align:start position:0% >> right. The person who would apologize to 00:21:38.159 --> 00:21:39.190 align:start position:0% >> right. The person who would apologize to a<00:21:38.320> mugger,<00:21:38.640> right?<00:21:38.799> Like, 00:21:39.190 --> 00:21:39.200 align:start position:0% a mugger, right? Like, 00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:42.549 align:start position:0% a mugger, right? Like, >> yeah.<00:21:39.919> Do<00:21:40.159> you<00:21:40.400> see<00:21:41.440> love<00:21:41.840> between<00:21:42.159> the<00:21:42.320> two<00:21:42.480> of 00:21:42.549 --> 00:21:42.559 align:start position:0% >> yeah. Do you see love between the two of 00:21:42.559 --> 00:21:44.470 align:start position:0% >> yeah. Do you see love between the two of you<00:21:42.720> in<00:21:42.960> that<00:21:43.200> in<00:21:43.520> that<00:21:43.679> passage?<00:21:44.080> I<00:21:44.240> mean,<00:21:44.320> we 00:21:44.470 --> 00:21:44.480 align:start position:0% you in that in that passage? I mean, we 00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:47.110 align:start position:0% you in that in that passage? I mean, we just<00:21:44.640> spoke<00:21:44.880> so<00:21:45.120> much<00:21:45.280> about 00:21:47.110 --> 00:21:47.120 align:start position:0% just spoke so much about 00:21:47.120 --> 00:21:50.149 align:start position:0% just spoke so much about >> No.<00:21:47.600> Yeah.<00:21:48.000> Okay.<00:21:48.320> I<00:21:48.559> was<00:21:48.720> curious.<00:21:49.360> No.<00:21:49.679> Yeah. 00:21:50.149 --> 00:21:50.159 align:start position:0% >> No. Yeah. Okay. I was curious. No. Yeah. 00:21:50.159 --> 00:21:53.190 align:start position:0% >> No. Yeah. Okay. I was curious. No. Yeah. >> No,<00:21:50.799> not<00:21:51.039> in<00:21:51.200> that<00:21:51.360> moment.<00:21:52.080> No.<00:21:52.480> I<00:21:52.640> mean,<00:21:52.880> I 00:21:53.190 --> 00:21:53.200 align:start position:0% >> No, not in that moment. No. I mean, I 00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:55.990 align:start position:0% >> No, not in that moment. No. I mean, I Reya<00:21:53.600> certainly<00:21:54.000> wasn't<00:21:54.559> loving<00:21:54.960> me<00:21:55.600> in<00:21:55.760> that 00:21:55.990 --> 00:21:56.000 align:start position:0% Reya certainly wasn't loving me in that 00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:58.149 align:start position:0% Reya certainly wasn't loving me in that moment<00:21:56.559> or<00:21:56.880> herself. 00:21:58.149 --> 00:21:58.159 align:start position:0% moment or herself. 00:21:58.159 --> 00:21:59.029 align:start position:0% moment or herself. >> Um 00:21:59.029 --> 00:21:59.039 align:start position:0% >> Um 00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:01.830 align:start position:0% >> Um >> I<00:21:59.280> mean<00:21:59.440> she<00:22:00.240> like<00:22:00.559> sober<00:22:00.960> Rhea<00:22:01.280> if<00:22:01.440> she<00:22:01.600> had 00:22:01.830 --> 00:22:01.840 align:start position:0% >> I mean she like sober Rhea if she had 00:22:01.840 --> 00:22:03.510 align:start position:0% >> I mean she like sober Rhea if she had seen<00:22:02.080> herself<00:22:02.400> at<00:22:02.640> that<00:22:02.960> point<00:22:03.200> would<00:22:03.360> have 00:22:03.510 --> 00:22:03.520 align:start position:0% seen herself at that point would have 00:22:03.520 --> 00:22:05.909 align:start position:0% seen herself at that point would have been<00:22:03.600> like<00:22:03.760> [ __ ]<00:22:04.159> kill<00:22:04.400> her. 00:22:05.909 --> 00:22:05.919 align:start position:0% been like [ __ ] kill her. 00:22:05.919 --> 00:22:07.669 align:start position:0% been like [ __ ] kill her. >> Like<00:22:06.480> for<00:22:06.880> sure. 00:22:07.669 --> 00:22:07.679 align:start position:0% >> Like for sure. 00:22:07.679 --> 00:22:09.990 align:start position:0% >> Like for sure. >> I<00:22:07.840> just<00:22:08.799> Yeah.<00:22:09.039> Yeah,<00:22:09.280> for<00:22:09.600> sure. 00:22:09.990 --> 00:22:10.000 align:start position:0% >> I just Yeah. Yeah, for sure. 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:10.710 align:start position:0% >> I just Yeah. Yeah, for sure. >> Yeah,<00:22:10.240> yeah,<00:22:10.480> yeah. 00:22:10.710 --> 00:22:10.720 align:start position:0% >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:11.990 align:start position:0% >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> You<00:22:10.880> know,<00:22:11.039> like<00:22:11.200> she<00:22:11.360> would<00:22:11.520> have<00:22:11.600> been<00:22:11.760> like, 00:22:11.990 --> 00:22:12.000 align:start position:0% >> You know, like she would have been like, 00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:13.830 align:start position:0% >> You know, like she would have been like, "Dude, 00:22:13.830 --> 00:22:13.840 align:start position:0% "Dude, 00:22:13.840 --> 00:22:16.230 align:start position:0% "Dude, like<00:22:14.080> don't<00:22:14.320> let<00:22:14.480> that<00:22:14.799> continue,<00:22:15.760> you<00:22:15.919> know, 00:22:16.230 --> 00:22:16.240 align:start position:0% like don't let that continue, you know, 00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:18.789 align:start position:0% like don't let that continue, you know, like<00:22:16.799> totally<00:22:17.280> get<00:22:17.440> it."<00:22:17.679> Like,<00:22:18.000> you<00:22:18.159> know, 00:22:18.789 --> 00:22:18.799 align:start position:0% like totally get it." Like, you know, 00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:20.470 align:start position:0% like totally get it." Like, you know, for<00:22:19.039> sure<00:22:19.280> she<00:22:19.440> hat<00:22:19.760> that<00:22:19.840> was<00:22:19.919> the<00:22:20.080> version<00:22:20.320> of 00:22:20.470 --> 00:22:20.480 align:start position:0% for sure she hat that was the version of 00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:21.990 align:start position:0% for sure she hat that was the version of herself<00:22:20.799> she<00:22:21.039> hated<00:22:21.360> the<00:22:21.600> most. 00:22:21.990 --> 00:22:22.000 align:start position:0% herself she hated the most. 00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:23.590 align:start position:0% herself she hated the most. >> Yeah.<00:22:22.400> Like<00:22:22.559> she'd<00:22:22.799> worked<00:22:22.960> really<00:22:23.200> hard<00:22:23.360> to 00:22:23.590 --> 00:22:23.600 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Like she'd worked really hard to 00:22:23.600 --> 00:22:25.909 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Like she'd worked really hard to not<00:22:24.000> be<00:22:24.240> and<00:22:24.480> then<00:22:24.880> towards<00:22:25.200> the<00:22:25.360> end<00:22:25.520> if<00:22:25.600> she 00:22:25.909 --> 00:22:25.919 align:start position:0% not be and then towards the end if she 00:22:25.919 --> 00:22:27.750 align:start position:0% not be and then towards the end if she >> she<00:22:26.000> would<00:22:26.159> have<00:22:26.240> been<00:22:26.559> like<00:22:26.960> 5<00:22:27.200> years<00:22:27.440> earlier 00:22:27.750 --> 00:22:27.760 align:start position:0% >> she would have been like 5 years earlier 00:22:27.760 --> 00:22:30.230 align:start position:0% >> she would have been like 5 years earlier than<00:22:28.000> that<00:22:28.320> Rehea<00:22:29.200> fast<00:22:29.440> forwarding<00:22:29.919> seeing 00:22:30.230 --> 00:22:30.240 align:start position:0% than that Rehea fast forwarding seeing 00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:31.909 align:start position:0% than that Rehea fast forwarding seeing herself<00:22:30.720> shooting<00:22:31.039> up<00:22:31.200> in<00:22:31.360> a<00:22:31.440> bathroom<00:22:31.760> would 00:22:31.909 --> 00:22:31.919 align:start position:0% herself shooting up in a bathroom would 00:22:31.919 --> 00:22:33.430 align:start position:0% herself shooting up in a bathroom would have<00:22:32.080> been 00:22:33.430 --> 00:22:33.440 align:start position:0% have been 00:22:33.440 --> 00:22:35.190 align:start position:0% have been >> it<00:22:34.080> it<00:22:34.320> would<00:22:34.400> have<00:22:34.559> destroyed<00:22:34.880> her 00:22:35.190 --> 00:22:35.200 align:start position:0% >> it it would have destroyed her 00:22:35.200 --> 00:22:37.110 align:start position:0% >> it it would have destroyed her >> and<00:22:35.440> being<00:22:35.600> unkind<00:22:36.080> to<00:22:36.400> someone<00:22:36.559> she<00:22:36.799> loves. 00:22:37.110 --> 00:22:37.120 align:start position:0% >> and being unkind to someone she loves. 00:22:37.120 --> 00:22:39.590 align:start position:0% >> and being unkind to someone she loves. Yeah. 00:22:39.590 --> 00:22:39.600 align:start position:0% Yeah. 00:22:39.600 --> 00:22:42.630 align:start position:0% Yeah. Like<00:22:39.919> she<00:22:40.080> would<00:22:40.159> have<00:22:40.320> hated<00:22:40.559> it.<00:22:40.880> Um<00:22:41.360> and 00:22:42.630 --> 00:22:42.640 align:start position:0% Like she would have hated it. Um and 00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:45.669 align:start position:0% Like she would have hated it. Um and >> and<00:22:43.039> 5<00:22:43.280> years<00:22:43.600> earlier<00:22:44.000> version<00:22:44.240> of<00:22:44.480> me 00:22:45.669 --> 00:22:45.679 align:start position:0% >> and 5 years earlier version of me 00:22:45.679 --> 00:22:47.430 align:start position:0% >> and 5 years earlier version of me >> seeing<00:22:46.080> me<00:22:46.320> in<00:22:46.559> this<00:22:46.799> scene<00:22:47.039> of<00:22:47.200> total 00:22:47.430 --> 00:22:47.440 align:start position:0% >> seeing me in this scene of total 00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:49.110 align:start position:0% >> seeing me in this scene of total degradation<00:22:47.919> when<00:22:48.159> I<00:22:48.400> thought<00:22:48.480> I<00:22:48.720> had<00:22:48.880> gotten 00:22:49.110 --> 00:22:49.120 align:start position:0% degradation when I thought I had gotten 00:22:49.120 --> 00:22:50.950 align:start position:0% degradation when I thought I had gotten my<00:22:49.280> life<00:22:49.520> completely<00:22:49.919> together. 00:22:50.950 --> 00:22:50.960 align:start position:0% my life completely together. 00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:53.750 align:start position:0% my life completely together. >> And<00:22:51.120> yet<00:22:51.360> that's<00:22:51.600> where<00:22:51.760> we<00:22:51.919> ended<00:22:52.240> up.<00:22:52.559> And 00:22:53.750 --> 00:22:53.760 align:start position:0% >> And yet that's where we ended up. And 00:22:53.760 --> 00:22:55.350 align:start position:0% >> And yet that's where we ended up. And you<00:22:53.919> know<00:22:54.000> they<00:22:54.240> say<00:22:54.400> of<00:22:54.559> addiction<00:22:54.960> it<00:22:55.120> never 00:22:55.350 --> 00:22:55.360 align:start position:0% you know they say of addiction it never 00:22:55.360 --> 00:22:57.990 align:start position:0% you know they say of addiction it never rests<00:22:55.679> it<00:22:55.919> only<00:22:56.080> waits.<00:22:57.440> You<00:22:57.520> know<00:22:57.679> and<00:22:57.840> when 00:22:57.990 --> 00:22:58.000 align:start position:0% rests it only waits. You know and when 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:00.070 align:start position:0% rests it only waits. You know and when the<00:22:58.159> circumstances<00:22:58.799> were<00:22:59.039> right<00:22:59.360> this<00:22:59.760> thing 00:23:00.070 --> 00:23:00.080 align:start position:0% the circumstances were right this thing 00:23:00.080 --> 00:23:02.630 align:start position:0% the circumstances were right this thing waited<00:23:00.480> in<00:23:00.720> her<00:23:01.200> and<00:23:01.440> and<00:23:01.840> then<00:23:02.000> arose.<00:23:02.480> And 00:23:02.630 --> 00:23:02.640 align:start position:0% waited in her and and then arose. And 00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:04.950 align:start position:0% waited in her and and then arose. And when<00:23:02.799> the<00:23:02.960> circumstances<00:23:03.600> were<00:23:03.760> right<00:23:03.919> for<00:23:04.159> me 00:23:04.950 --> 00:23:04.960 align:start position:0% when the circumstances were right for me 00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:07.190 align:start position:0% when the circumstances were right for me to<00:23:05.600> lose<00:23:05.919> all<00:23:06.080> the<00:23:06.240> work<00:23:06.400> that<00:23:06.559> I<00:23:06.640> had<00:23:06.799> done<00:23:06.960> and 00:23:07.190 --> 00:23:07.200 align:start position:0% to lose all the work that I had done and 00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:09.430 align:start position:0% to lose all the work that I had done and become<00:23:07.600> again<00:23:08.000> a<00:23:08.320> child<00:23:08.640> begging<00:23:08.960> for<00:23:09.200> someone 00:23:09.430 --> 00:23:09.440 align:start position:0% become again a child begging for someone 00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:10.710 align:start position:0% become again a child begging for someone to<00:23:09.600> take<00:23:09.760> care<00:23:09.840> of<00:23:10.000> them<00:23:10.240> even<00:23:10.400> though<00:23:10.559> they 00:23:10.710 --> 00:23:10.720 align:start position:0% to take care of them even though they 00:23:10.720 --> 00:23:13.350 align:start position:0% to take care of them even though they couldn't,<00:23:12.080> I<00:23:12.400> did<00:23:12.559> that. 00:23:13.350 --> 00:23:13.360 align:start position:0% couldn't, I did that. 00:23:13.360 --> 00:23:15.909 align:start position:0% couldn't, I did that. >> I<00:23:13.600> mean,<00:23:14.640> we<00:23:14.880> mentioned<00:23:15.200> and<00:23:15.440> it's<00:23:15.679> important 00:23:15.909 --> 00:23:15.919 align:start position:0% >> I mean, we mentioned and it's important 00:23:15.919 --> 00:23:18.390 align:start position:0% >> I mean, we mentioned and it's important to<00:23:16.080> say<00:23:16.320> you<00:23:16.559> did<00:23:16.720> not<00:23:17.440> go<00:23:17.600> through<00:23:17.840> with<00:23:18.080> the 00:23:18.390 --> 00:23:18.400 align:start position:0% to say you did not go through with the 00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:19.029 align:start position:0% to say you did not go through with the murder<00:23:18.720> plan. 00:23:19.029 --> 00:23:19.039 align:start position:0% murder plan. 00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:21.510 align:start position:0% murder plan. >> Yes.<00:23:19.200> Just<00:23:19.360> to<00:23:19.520> be<00:23:19.679> clear,<00:23:20.240> um,<00:23:20.720> police<00:23:21.280> I 00:23:21.510 --> 00:23:21.520 align:start position:0% >> Yes. Just to be clear, um, police I 00:23:21.520 --> 00:23:23.190 align:start position:0% >> Yes. Just to be clear, um, police I didn't<00:23:22.320> I<00:23:22.559> didn't<00:23:22.799> kill<00:23:22.960> her. 00:23:23.190 --> 00:23:23.200 align:start position:0% didn't I didn't kill her. 00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:24.390 align:start position:0% didn't I didn't kill her. >> Should<00:23:23.360> we<00:23:23.440> say<00:23:23.679> because<00:23:23.840> it<00:23:24.000> actually<00:23:24.159> is 00:23:24.390 --> 00:23:24.400 align:start position:0% >> Should we say because it actually is 00:23:24.400 --> 00:23:26.470 align:start position:0% >> Should we say because it actually is sort<00:23:24.559> of<00:23:24.720> darkly<00:23:25.200> funny<00:23:25.520> what<00:23:25.760> happens<00:23:26.080> next? 00:23:26.470 --> 00:23:26.480 align:start position:0% sort of darkly funny what happens next? 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:27.669 align:start position:0% sort of darkly funny what happens next? Can<00:23:26.640> you<00:23:26.799> share<00:23:27.200> what 00:23:27.669 --> 00:23:27.679 align:start position:0% Can you share what 00:23:27.679 --> 00:23:29.430 align:start position:0% Can you share what >> Well,<00:23:27.919> what<00:23:28.159> happened<00:23:28.400> next<00:23:28.640> is<00:23:28.960> that<00:23:29.200> same 00:23:29.430 --> 00:23:29.440 align:start position:0% >> Well, what happened next is that same 00:23:29.440 --> 00:23:32.549 align:start position:0% >> Well, what happened next is that same Rehea<00:23:29.919> who<00:23:30.159> could<00:23:30.559> read<00:23:30.799> the<00:23:31.039> room.<00:23:32.000> always 00:23:32.549 --> 00:23:32.559 align:start position:0% Rehea who could read the room. always 00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:35.990 align:start position:0% Rehea who could read the room. always and<00:23:33.280> who<00:23:34.000> could<00:23:34.240> smell<00:23:34.559> [ __ ]<00:23:35.280> and<00:23:35.520> who<00:23:35.760> had 00:23:35.990 --> 00:23:36.000 align:start position:0% and who could smell [ __ ] and who had 00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:37.990 align:start position:0% and who could smell [ __ ] and who had survived<00:23:36.559> for<00:23:36.799> years<00:23:37.039> on<00:23:37.280> the<00:23:37.440> streets<00:23:37.679> and 00:23:37.990 --> 00:23:38.000 align:start position:0% survived for years on the streets and 00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:39.909 align:start position:0% survived for years on the streets and survived<00:23:38.400> in<00:23:38.720> prisons<00:23:39.120> and<00:23:39.360> had<00:23:39.600> survived 00:23:39.909 --> 00:23:39.919 align:start position:0% survived in prisons and had survived 00:23:39.919 --> 00:23:42.390 align:start position:0% survived in prisons and had survived like<00:23:40.159> she<00:23:40.320> was<00:23:40.400> such<00:23:40.559> a<00:23:40.799> survivor.<00:23:42.000> She<00:23:42.240> may 00:23:42.390 --> 00:23:42.400 align:start position:0% like she was such a survivor. She may 00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:43.750 align:start position:0% like she was such a survivor. She may have<00:23:42.559> appeared<00:23:42.799> to<00:23:42.960> be<00:23:43.120> completely<00:23:43.440> checked 00:23:43.750 --> 00:23:43.760 align:start position:0% have appeared to be completely checked 00:23:43.760 --> 00:23:45.669 align:start position:0% have appeared to be completely checked out<00:23:43.919> on<00:23:44.159> drugs,<00:23:44.480> but<00:23:44.640> when<00:23:44.799> I<00:23:44.960> walked<00:23:45.200> into<00:23:45.440> the 00:23:45.669 --> 00:23:45.679 align:start position:0% out on drugs, but when I walked into the 00:23:45.679 --> 00:23:48.870 align:start position:0% out on drugs, but when I walked into the apartment<00:23:46.000> that<00:23:46.320> day<00:23:46.480> with<00:23:46.640> a<00:23:46.799> murder<00:23:47.120> plan 00:23:48.870 --> 00:23:48.880 align:start position:0% apartment that day with a murder plan 00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:50.710 align:start position:0% apartment that day with a murder plan um<00:23:49.200> because<00:23:49.600> and<00:23:49.760> my<00:23:49.919> plan<00:23:50.159> was<00:23:50.320> that<00:23:50.480> I<00:23:50.640> was 00:23:50.710 --> 00:23:50.720 align:start position:0% um because and my plan was that I was 00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:52.470 align:start position:0% um because and my plan was that I was going<00:23:50.799> to<00:23:50.960> put<00:23:51.120> fentinol<00:23:51.679> patches<00:23:52.000> all<00:23:52.240> over 00:23:52.470 --> 00:23:52.480 align:start position:0% going to put fentinol patches all over 00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:53.909 align:start position:0% going to put fentinol patches all over and<00:23:52.640> then<00:23:52.799> make<00:23:52.960> her<00:23:53.120> take<00:23:53.360> sleeping<00:23:53.600> pills 00:23:53.909 --> 00:23:53.919 align:start position:0% and then make her take sleeping pills 00:23:53.919 --> 00:23:56.390 align:start position:0% and then make her take sleeping pills and<00:23:54.640> kill<00:23:54.799> her.<00:23:54.960> Like<00:23:55.200> I<00:23:55.440> mean<00:23:55.760> literally 00:23:56.390 --> 00:23:56.400 align:start position:0% and kill her. Like I mean literally 00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:57.909 align:start position:0% and kill her. Like I mean literally that's<00:23:56.640> what<00:23:56.799> I<00:23:56.960> was<00:23:57.120> intending<00:23:57.520> to<00:23:57.600> do. 00:23:57.909 --> 00:23:57.919 align:start position:0% that's what I was intending to do. 00:23:57.919 --> 00:23:59.510 align:start position:0% that's what I was intending to do. >> I<00:23:58.080> know<00:23:58.240> I<00:23:58.400> know<00:23:58.559> you<00:23:58.720> mean<00:23:58.799> it<00:23:59.039> literally.<00:23:59.280> I'm 00:23:59.510 --> 00:23:59.520 align:start position:0% >> I know I know you mean it literally. I'm 00:23:59.520 --> 00:24:00.950 align:start position:0% >> I know I know you mean it literally. I'm like<00:23:59.679> looking<00:23:59.919> you<00:24:00.080> in<00:24:00.240> the<00:24:00.400> eyes<00:24:00.640> right<00:24:00.799> now 00:24:00.950 --> 00:24:00.960 align:start position:0% like looking you in the eyes right now 00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:02.950 align:start position:0% like looking you in the eyes right now and<00:24:01.200> I'm<00:24:01.360> like<00:24:01.679> really<00:24:02.080> literally<00:24:02.559> but<00:24:02.720> you 00:24:02.950 --> 00:24:02.960 align:start position:0% and I'm like really literally but you 00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:05.110 align:start position:0% and I'm like really literally but you really<00:24:03.280> do<00:24:03.520> mean<00:24:03.840> literally<00:24:04.320> like<00:24:04.480> it's<00:24:04.799> not 00:24:05.110 --> 00:24:05.120 align:start position:0% really do mean literally like it's not 00:24:05.120 --> 00:24:06.950 align:start position:0% really do mean literally like it's not this<00:24:05.360> is<00:24:05.520> not<00:24:05.760> at<00:24:06.000> all<00:24:06.240> figurative.<00:24:06.720> This<00:24:06.880> was 00:24:06.950 --> 00:24:06.960 align:start position:0% this is not at all figurative. This was 00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:09.350 align:start position:0% this is not at all figurative. This was a<00:24:07.120> plan<00:24:07.600> and<00:24:08.000> sleep<00:24:08.320> deprived.<00:24:08.799> Yes.<00:24:09.120> Like 00:24:09.350 --> 00:24:09.360 align:start position:0% a plan and sleep deprived. Yes. Like 00:24:09.360 --> 00:24:12.230 align:start position:0% a plan and sleep deprived. Yes. Like going<00:24:09.600> through<00:24:10.880> like<00:24:11.120> immense<00:24:12.000> stress. 00:24:12.230 --> 00:24:12.240 align:start position:0% going through like immense stress. 00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:14.070 align:start position:0% going through like immense stress. >> It<00:24:12.400> was<00:24:12.480> a<00:24:12.640> nightmare.<00:24:12.960> I<00:24:13.120> mean<00:24:13.279> it's 00:24:14.070 --> 00:24:14.080 align:start position:0% >> It was a nightmare. I mean it's 00:24:14.080 --> 00:24:16.149 align:start position:0% >> It was a nightmare. I mean it's >> and<00:24:14.240> and<00:24:14.559> it's 00:24:16.149 --> 00:24:16.159 align:start position:0% >> and and it's 00:24:16.159 --> 00:24:18.470 align:start position:0% >> and and it's >> I<00:24:16.480> don't<00:24:16.640> even<00:24:16.799> need<00:24:17.039> to<00:24:17.279> justify<00:24:17.760> it.<00:24:18.159> I<00:24:18.400> was 00:24:18.470 --> 00:24:18.480 align:start position:0% >> I don't even need to justify it. I was 00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:19.990 align:start position:0% >> I don't even need to justify it. I was about<00:24:18.559> to<00:24:18.720> say<00:24:18.799> it's<00:24:18.960> unjustifiable<00:24:19.679> but<00:24:19.840> it's 00:24:19.990 --> 00:24:20.000 align:start position:0% about to say it's unjustifiable but it's 00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:20.870 align:start position:0% about to say it's unjustifiable but it's it's 00:24:20.870 --> 00:24:20.880 align:start position:0% it's 00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:23.029 align:start position:0% it's >> it's<00:24:21.200> the<00:24:21.440> reality<00:24:21.760> of<00:24:21.919> where<00:24:22.080> I<00:24:22.240> was<00:24:22.640> in<00:24:22.880> that 00:24:23.029 --> 00:24:23.039 align:start position:0% >> it's the reality of where I was in that 00:24:23.039 --> 00:24:25.110 align:start position:0% >> it's the reality of where I was in that moment.<00:24:23.760> It<00:24:24.000> was<00:24:24.159> the<00:24:24.400> only<00:24:24.640> thing<00:24:24.720> I<00:24:25.039> could 00:24:25.110 --> 00:24:25.120 align:start position:0% moment. It was the only thing I could 00:24:25.120 --> 00:24:27.430 align:start position:0% moment. It was the only thing I could think<00:24:25.279> of<00:24:26.320> that<00:24:26.640> I<00:24:26.720> was<00:24:26.880> like,<00:24:26.960> "This<00:24:27.200> is<00:24:27.279> the 00:24:27.430 --> 00:24:27.440 align:start position:0% think of that I was like, "This is the 00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:29.190 align:start position:0% think of that I was like, "This is the only<00:24:27.679> way<00:24:27.840> this<00:24:28.000> is<00:24:28.159> going<00:24:28.240> to<00:24:28.400> end."<00:24:29.039> Like, 00:24:29.190 --> 00:24:29.200 align:start position:0% only way this is going to end." Like, 00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:32.149 align:start position:0% only way this is going to end." Like, "One<00:24:29.600> of<00:24:29.679> us<00:24:29.840> has<00:24:30.080> to<00:24:30.240> die."<00:24:31.120> And<00:24:31.279> and<00:24:31.600> I<00:24:31.840> also 00:24:32.149 --> 00:24:32.159 align:start position:0% "One of us has to die." And and I also 00:24:32.159 --> 00:24:33.590 align:start position:0% "One of us has to die." And and I also was<00:24:32.320> like,<00:24:32.400> "No,<00:24:32.880> she<00:24:33.039> would<00:24:33.120> approve<00:24:33.440> of 00:24:33.590 --> 00:24:33.600 align:start position:0% was like, "No, she would approve of 00:24:33.600 --> 00:24:36.230 align:start position:0% was like, "No, she would approve of this."<00:24:34.400> And<00:24:34.559> I'm<00:24:34.720> I'm 00:24:36.230 --> 00:24:36.240 align:start position:0% this." And I'm I'm 00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:37.669 align:start position:0% this." And I'm I'm still<00:24:36.480> not<00:24:36.640> sure<00:24:36.799> I<00:24:36.880> was<00:24:37.039> totally<00:24:37.279> wrong.<00:24:37.520> But 00:24:37.669 --> 00:24:37.679 align:start position:0% still not sure I was totally wrong. But 00:24:37.679 --> 00:24:41.430 align:start position:0% still not sure I was totally wrong. But anyway,<00:24:38.000> she<00:24:38.799> she<00:24:39.279> looked<00:24:39.600> up<00:24:39.760> at<00:24:39.919> me<00:24:40.240> from<00:24:41.279> I 00:24:41.430 --> 00:24:41.440 align:start position:0% anyway, she she looked up at me from I 00:24:41.440 --> 00:24:42.470 align:start position:0% anyway, she she looked up at me from I walk<00:24:41.520> in<00:24:41.679> the<00:24:41.760> apartment<00:24:41.919> and<00:24:42.080> she<00:24:42.240> looked<00:24:42.400> up 00:24:42.470 --> 00:24:42.480 align:start position:0% walk in the apartment and she looked up 00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:44.070 align:start position:0% walk in the apartment and she looked up at<00:24:42.640> me<00:24:42.720> from<00:24:42.960> this<00:24:43.120> table,<00:24:43.440> the<00:24:43.600> coffee<00:24:43.840> table 00:24:44.070 --> 00:24:44.080 align:start position:0% at me from this table, the coffee table 00:24:44.080 --> 00:24:45.430 align:start position:0% at me from this table, the coffee table that<00:24:44.240> was<00:24:44.320> like<00:24:44.480> covered<00:24:44.720> with<00:24:44.880> these<00:24:45.120> fat 00:24:45.430 --> 00:24:45.440 align:start position:0% that was like covered with these fat 00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:48.149 align:start position:0% that was like covered with these fat rails<00:24:45.679> of<00:24:45.840> cocaine<00:24:46.720> and<00:24:46.960> like<00:24:47.600> clouds<00:24:48.080> of 00:24:48.149 --> 00:24:48.159 align:start position:0% rails of cocaine and like clouds of 00:24:48.159 --> 00:24:51.750 align:start position:0% rails of cocaine and like clouds of cigarette<00:24:48.640> smoke,<00:24:49.360> bottle<00:24:49.679> of<00:24:49.840> whiskey,<00:24:50.880> like 00:24:51.750 --> 00:24:51.760 align:start position:0% cigarette smoke, bottle of whiskey, like 00:24:51.760 --> 00:24:54.470 align:start position:0% cigarette smoke, bottle of whiskey, like >> piles<00:24:52.240> of<00:24:52.400> pills<00:24:52.720> that<00:24:52.880> she<00:24:53.120> was<00:24:53.200> sorting.<00:24:54.240> And 00:24:54.470 --> 00:24:54.480 align:start position:0% >> piles of pills that she was sorting. And 00:24:54.480 --> 00:24:57.430 align:start position:0% >> piles of pills that she was sorting. And she<00:24:54.720> just<00:24:54.880> looked<00:24:55.039> at<00:24:55.200> me<00:24:56.400> and<00:24:57.039> all<00:24:57.200> of<00:24:57.279> a 00:24:57.430 --> 00:24:57.440 align:start position:0% she just looked at me and all of a 00:24:57.440 --> 00:24:59.990 align:start position:0% she just looked at me and all of a sudden<00:24:57.840> focused,<00:24:58.960> you<00:24:59.120> know,<00:24:59.360> like<00:24:59.600> all<00:24:59.760> of<00:24:59.840> a 00:24:59.990 --> 00:25:00.000 align:start position:0% sudden focused, you know, like all of a 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:01.830 align:start position:0% sudden focused, you know, like all of a sudden<00:25:00.159> it's<00:25:00.400> like<00:25:00.720> all<00:25:00.960> that<00:25:01.200> dropped<00:25:01.520> and 00:25:01.830 --> 00:25:01.840 align:start position:0% sudden it's like all that dropped and 00:25:01.840 --> 00:25:05.590 align:start position:0% sudden it's like all that dropped and like<00:25:02.559> her<00:25:03.120> keen<00:25:03.600> eyes<00:25:04.000> came<00:25:04.240> back<00:25:04.960> and<00:25:05.200> no<00:25:05.440> one 00:25:05.590 --> 00:25:05.600 align:start position:0% like her keen eyes came back and no one 00:25:05.600 --> 00:25:07.029 align:start position:0% like her keen eyes came back and no one could<00:25:05.760> focus.<00:25:06.080> Like<00:25:06.240> when<00:25:06.480> Rya<00:25:06.720> put<00:25:06.880> her 00:25:07.029 --> 00:25:07.039 align:start position:0% could focus. Like when Rya put her 00:25:07.039 --> 00:25:08.230 align:start position:0% could focus. Like when Rya put her attention<00:25:07.200> on<00:25:07.360> you,<00:25:07.520> you<00:25:07.679> knew<00:25:07.840> that<00:25:08.000> it<00:25:08.159> was 00:25:08.230 --> 00:25:08.240 align:start position:0% attention on you, you knew that it was 00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:10.950 align:start position:0% attention on you, you knew that it was on<00:25:08.400> you.<00:25:08.559> And<00:25:08.720> she<00:25:09.600> looked<00:25:09.840> at<00:25:10.000> me<00:25:10.080> and<00:25:10.320> said, 00:25:10.950 --> 00:25:10.960 align:start position:0% on you. And she looked at me and said, 00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:12.710 align:start position:0% on you. And she looked at me and said, "Don't<00:25:11.360> you<00:25:11.600> start<00:25:11.840> plotting<00:25:12.240> against<00:25:12.559> me 00:25:12.710 --> 00:25:12.720 align:start position:0% "Don't you start plotting against me 00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:15.110 align:start position:0% "Don't you start plotting against me now,<00:25:13.039> Liz."<00:25:14.240> And<00:25:14.400> I<00:25:14.559> was<00:25:14.640> like,<00:25:14.640> "What<00:25:14.880> are<00:25:14.960> you 00:25:15.110 --> 00:25:15.120 align:start position:0% now, Liz." And I was like, "What are you 00:25:15.120 --> 00:25:16.390 align:start position:0% now, Liz." And I was like, "What are you a<00:25:15.360> witch?"<00:25:16.080> Like 00:25:16.390 --> 00:25:16.400 align:start position:0% a witch?" Like 00:25:16.400 --> 00:25:17.510 align:start position:0% a witch?" Like >> that<00:25:16.559> is<00:25:16.720> pretty<00:25:17.039> wild. 00:25:17.510 --> 00:25:17.520 align:start position:0% >> that is pretty wild. 00:25:17.520 --> 00:25:20.549 align:start position:0% >> that is pretty wild. >> It<00:25:17.760> was<00:25:18.080> so<00:25:18.960> cra<00:25:19.360> you<00:25:19.440> know.<00:25:19.679> and<00:25:19.840> we<00:25:20.080> just<00:25:20.240> held 00:25:20.549 --> 00:25:20.559 align:start position:0% >> It was so cra you know. and we just held 00:25:20.559 --> 00:25:22.710 align:start position:0% >> It was so cra you know. and we just held each<00:25:20.720> other's<00:25:21.039> gaze<00:25:21.360> and<00:25:21.600> that<00:25:22.080> and<00:25:22.400> time 00:25:22.710 --> 00:25:22.720 align:start position:0% each other's gaze and that and time 00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:25.909 align:start position:0% each other's gaze and that and time seemed<00:25:23.120> to<00:25:23.440> stop<00:25:23.679> and<00:25:24.000> it<00:25:24.159> felt<00:25:24.400> like 00:25:25.909 --> 00:25:25.919 align:start position:0% seemed to stop and it felt like 00:25:25.919 --> 00:25:27.990 align:start position:0% seemed to stop and it felt like somebody<00:25:26.240> had<00:25:26.480> pushed<00:25:26.799> a<00:25:26.960> pause<00:25:27.279> button<00:25:27.679> on 00:25:27.990 --> 00:25:28.000 align:start position:0% somebody had pushed a pause button on 00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:30.630 align:start position:0% somebody had pushed a pause button on this<00:25:28.240> insane<00:25:28.799> drama<00:25:29.200> that<00:25:29.360> we<00:25:29.520> were<00:25:29.679> in. 00:25:30.630 --> 00:25:30.640 align:start position:0% this insane drama that we were in. 00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:32.149 align:start position:0% this insane drama that we were in. >> And<00:25:30.799> then<00:25:30.960> she<00:25:31.200> said,<00:25:31.279> "Think<00:25:31.600> very<00:25:31.840> carefully 00:25:32.149 --> 00:25:32.159 align:start position:0% >> And then she said, "Think very carefully 00:25:32.159 --> 00:25:33.909 align:start position:0% >> And then she said, "Think very carefully about<00:25:32.320> what<00:25:32.480> you're<00:25:32.640> about<00:25:32.799> to<00:25:33.039> do."<00:25:33.440> And<00:25:33.679> it 00:25:33.909 --> 00:25:33.919 align:start position:0% about what you're about to do." And it 00:25:33.919 --> 00:25:36.710 align:start position:0% about what you're about to do." And it felt<00:25:34.240> like<00:25:35.279> I<00:25:35.600> actually<00:25:35.840> just<00:25:36.080> got<00:25:36.240> chills 00:25:36.710 --> 00:25:36.720 align:start position:0% felt like I actually just got chills 00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:40.230 align:start position:0% felt like I actually just got chills saying<00:25:36.960> it<00:25:37.200> again<00:25:37.520> because<00:25:37.840> it<00:25:38.159> felt<00:25:38.480> like 00:25:40.230 --> 00:25:40.240 align:start position:0% saying it again because it felt like 00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:43.990 align:start position:0% saying it again because it felt like a<00:25:40.480> moment<00:25:40.720> of<00:25:40.960> divine<00:25:42.320> salvation<00:25:43.039> of<00:25:43.360> like<00:25:43.760> how 00:25:43.990 --> 00:25:44.000 align:start position:0% a moment of divine salvation of like how 00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:46.870 align:start position:0% a moment of divine salvation of like how far<00:25:44.400> how<00:25:44.640> far<00:25:44.799> are<00:25:44.960> you<00:25:45.039> going<00:25:45.200> to<00:25:45.279> take<00:25:45.440> this? 00:25:46.870 --> 00:25:46.880 align:start position:0% far how far are you going to take this? 00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:48.470 align:start position:0% far how far are you going to take this? How<00:25:47.039> far<00:25:47.200> are<00:25:47.360> you,<00:25:47.600> Liz,<00:25:47.919> gonna<00:25:48.159> take<00:25:48.240> this? 00:25:48.470 --> 00:25:48.480 align:start position:0% How far are you, Liz, gonna take this? 00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:50.230 align:start position:0% How far are you, Liz, gonna take this? I'll<00:25:48.720> show<00:25:48.799> you<00:25:48.960> how<00:25:49.120> far<00:25:49.360> I<00:25:49.600> rehea<00:25:50.000> am<00:25:50.159> going 00:25:50.230 --> 00:25:50.240 align:start position:0% I'll show you how far I rehea am going 00:25:50.240 --> 00:25:51.750 align:start position:0% I'll show you how far I rehea am going to<00:25:50.320> take<00:25:50.480> this.<00:25:50.799> I'm<00:25:51.039> going<00:25:51.120> to<00:25:51.200> take<00:25:51.360> this<00:25:51.600> all 00:25:51.750 --> 00:25:51.760 align:start position:0% to take this. I'm going to take this all 00:25:51.760 --> 00:25:53.909 align:start position:0% to take this. I'm going to take this all the<00:25:51.919> way<00:25:52.080> down<00:25:52.320> to<00:25:52.559> the<00:25:53.039> cellar<00:25:53.360> of<00:25:53.520> myself, 00:25:53.909 --> 00:25:53.919 align:start position:0% the way down to the cellar of myself, 00:25:53.919 --> 00:25:55.669 align:start position:0% the way down to the cellar of myself, but<00:25:54.159> like<00:25:54.640> are<00:25:54.880> you<00:25:54.960> sure<00:25:55.120> you<00:25:55.360> want<00:25:55.440> to<00:25:55.520> do 00:25:55.669 --> 00:25:55.679 align:start position:0% but like are you sure you want to do 00:25:55.679 --> 00:25:56.630 align:start position:0% but like are you sure you want to do what<00:25:55.840> you're<00:25:56.000> about<00:25:56.159> to<00:25:56.320> do? 00:25:56.630 --> 00:25:56.640 align:start position:0% what you're about to do? 00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:57.190 align:start position:0% what you're about to do? >> Wow. 00:25:57.190 --> 00:25:57.200 align:start position:0% >> Wow. 00:25:57.200 --> 00:25:59.830 align:start position:0% >> Wow. >> And<00:25:57.679> um<00:25:58.640> and<00:25:58.880> I<00:25:59.039> just<00:25:59.200> walked<00:25:59.440> out<00:25:59.520> of<00:25:59.679> the 00:25:59.830 --> 00:25:59.840 align:start position:0% >> And um and I just walked out of the 00:25:59.840 --> 00:26:01.669 align:start position:0% >> And um and I just walked out of the apartment<00:26:00.320> and<00:26:00.720> wandered<00:26:01.120> around<00:26:01.279> as<00:26:01.520> though 00:26:01.669 --> 00:26:01.679 align:start position:0% apartment and wandered around as though 00:26:01.679 --> 00:26:03.990 align:start position:0% apartment and wandered around as though I<00:26:01.840> had<00:26:01.919> a<00:26:02.080> head<00:26:02.240> injury<00:26:02.640> for<00:26:02.960> a<00:26:03.200> few<00:26:03.360> hours. 00:26:03.990 --> 00:26:04.000 align:start position:0% I had a head injury for a few hours. 00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:06.950 align:start position:0% I had a head injury for a few hours. Like<00:26:04.320> so<00:26:05.600> bewildered.<00:26:06.240> And<00:26:06.400> then<00:26:06.559> I<00:26:06.720> thought 00:26:06.950 --> 00:26:06.960 align:start position:0% Like so bewildered. And then I thought 00:26:06.960 --> 00:26:08.549 align:start position:0% Like so bewildered. And then I thought my<00:26:07.200> second<00:26:07.440> best<00:26:07.679> thinking,<00:26:08.000> which<00:26:08.240> was<00:26:08.400> like, 00:26:08.549 --> 00:26:08.559 align:start position:0% my second best thinking, which was like, 00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:10.230 align:start position:0% my second best thinking, which was like, "Oh,<00:26:08.960> I've<00:26:09.120> got<00:26:09.279> all<00:26:09.440> of<00:26:09.520> these<00:26:09.679> fentinol 00:26:10.230 --> 00:26:10.240 align:start position:0% "Oh, I've got all of these fentinol 00:26:10.240 --> 00:26:11.510 align:start position:0% "Oh, I've got all of these fentinol patches<00:26:10.480> and<00:26:10.640> pills.<00:26:10.960> I'll<00:26:11.120> just<00:26:11.279> kill 00:26:11.510 --> 00:26:11.520 align:start position:0% patches and pills. I'll just kill 00:26:11.520 --> 00:26:12.549 align:start position:0% patches and pills. I'll just kill myself." 00:26:12.549 --> 00:26:12.559 align:start position:0% myself." 00:26:12.559 --> 00:26:14.950 align:start position:0% myself." >> Because<00:26:13.279> like<00:26:13.840> So<00:26:14.080> because<00:26:14.320> it<00:26:14.480> was<00:26:14.640> like<00:26:14.799> when 00:26:14.950 --> 00:26:14.960 align:start position:0% >> Because like So because it was like when 00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:17.669 align:start position:0% >> Because like So because it was like when I<00:26:15.120> said<00:26:15.360> one<00:26:15.520> of<00:26:15.600> us<00:26:15.760> has<00:26:16.000> to<00:26:16.159> die,<00:26:16.960> I<00:26:17.120> meant<00:26:17.360> it. 00:26:17.669 --> 00:26:17.679 align:start position:0% I said one of us has to die, I meant it. 00:26:17.679 --> 00:26:18.149 align:start position:0% I said one of us has to die, I meant it. Wo. 00:26:18.149 --> 00:26:18.159 align:start position:0% Wo. 00:26:18.159 --> 00:26:21.990 align:start position:0% Wo. >> Right.<00:26:18.480> That's<00:26:18.799> how<00:26:19.279> that's<00:26:19.919> how<00:26:21.039> degraded<00:26:21.679> my 00:26:21.990 --> 00:26:22.000 align:start position:0% >> Right. That's how that's how degraded my 00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:24.789 align:start position:0% >> Right. That's how that's how degraded my spirit<00:26:22.320> had<00:26:22.559> become.<00:26:23.679> Like<00:26:23.919> one<00:26:24.159> of<00:26:24.240> us<00:26:24.400> has<00:26:24.640> to 00:26:24.789 --> 00:26:24.799 align:start position:0% spirit had become. Like one of us has to 00:26:24.799 --> 00:26:28.870 align:start position:0% spirit had become. Like one of us has to die.<00:26:25.760> And<00:26:26.880> it<00:26:27.039> was<00:26:27.279> obviously<00:26:27.760> she<00:26:28.320> she<00:26:28.640> wasn't 00:26:28.870 --> 00:26:28.880 align:start position:0% die. And it was obviously she she wasn't 00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:29.590 align:start position:0% die. And it was obviously she she wasn't going<00:26:28.960> to<00:26:29.039> let<00:26:29.120> me 00:26:29.590 --> 00:26:29.600 align:start position:0% going to let me 00:26:29.600 --> 00:26:30.630 align:start position:0% going to let me >> not<00:26:29.679> letting<00:26:30.000> you. 00:26:30.630 --> 00:26:30.640 align:start position:0% >> not letting you. 00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:31.190 align:start position:0% >> not letting you. >> Oh<00:26:30.799> my<00:26:30.880> god. 00:26:31.190 --> 00:26:31.200 align:start position:0% >> Oh my god. 00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:32.549 align:start position:0% >> Oh my god. >> And<00:26:31.360> also<00:26:31.600> there<00:26:31.760> was<00:26:31.840> a<00:26:32.000> moment<00:26:32.159> with<00:26:32.320> Ry 00:26:32.549 --> 00:26:32.559 align:start position:0% >> And also there was a moment with Ry 00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:33.750 align:start position:0% >> And also there was a moment with Ry where<00:26:32.720> I<00:26:32.799> was<00:26:32.880> like,<00:26:33.039> who<00:26:33.200> do<00:26:33.279> I<00:26:33.440> think<00:26:33.520> I<00:26:33.679> am 00:26:33.750 --> 00:26:33.760 align:start position:0% where I was like, who do I think I am 00:26:33.760 --> 00:26:35.830 align:start position:0% where I was like, who do I think I am that<00:26:33.919> I<00:26:34.080> could<00:26:34.240> kill<00:26:34.480> Rhea?<00:26:34.960> Like<00:26:35.200> she<00:26:35.440> was<00:26:35.600> so 00:26:35.830 --> 00:26:35.840 align:start position:0% that I could kill Rhea? Like she was so 00:26:35.840 --> 00:26:38.470 align:start position:0% that I could kill Rhea? Like she was so tough.<00:26:36.640> Like<00:26:37.360> no.<00:26:37.840> And<00:26:38.000> then<00:26:38.159> I<00:26:38.240> was<00:26:38.320> like, 00:26:38.470 --> 00:26:38.480 align:start position:0% tough. Like no. And then I was like, 00:26:38.480 --> 00:26:40.470 align:start position:0% tough. Like no. And then I was like, okay,<00:26:38.720> well<00:26:38.880> then<00:26:39.039> I'll<00:26:39.200> kill<00:26:39.360> me.<00:26:40.080> And<00:26:40.240> then 00:26:40.470 --> 00:26:40.480 align:start position:0% okay, well then I'll kill me. And then 00:26:40.480 --> 00:26:43.669 align:start position:0% okay, well then I'll kill me. And then in<00:26:40.799> that<00:26:41.039> moment<00:26:41.520> was<00:26:41.840> when 00:26:43.669 --> 00:26:43.679 align:start position:0% in that moment was when 00:26:43.679 --> 00:26:46.149 align:start position:0% in that moment was when this<00:26:44.400> voice<00:26:44.720> came<00:26:44.880> to<00:26:45.039> me.<00:26:45.120> And<00:26:45.279> it's<00:26:45.520> and<00:26:45.919> I 00:26:46.149 --> 00:26:46.159 align:start position:0% this voice came to me. And it's and I 00:26:46.159 --> 00:26:47.590 align:start position:0% this voice came to me. And it's and I had<00:26:46.320> heard<00:26:46.559> this<00:26:46.720> voice<00:26:46.880> before<00:26:47.120> in<00:26:47.360> my<00:26:47.440> life. 00:26:47.590 --> 00:26:47.600 align:start position:0% had heard this voice before in my life. 00:26:47.600 --> 00:26:49.590 align:start position:0% had heard this voice before in my life. And<00:26:47.840> I<00:26:48.000> call<00:26:48.159> this<00:26:48.400> voice<00:26:48.640> God. 00:26:49.590 --> 00:26:49.600 align:start position:0% And I call this voice God. 00:26:49.600 --> 00:26:51.110 align:start position:0% And I call this voice God. >> Some<00:26:49.760> people<00:26:49.919> would<00:26:50.159> call<00:26:50.240> it<00:26:50.400> higher<00:26:50.720> power, 00:26:51.110 --> 00:26:51.120 align:start position:0% >> Some people would call it higher power, 00:26:51.120 --> 00:26:54.549 align:start position:0% >> Some people would call it higher power, intuition,<00:26:52.000> the<00:26:52.240> Dao,<00:26:53.279> like<00:26:53.600> maybe<00:26:53.919> it's 00:26:54.549 --> 00:26:54.559 align:start position:0% intuition, the Dao, like maybe it's 00:26:54.559 --> 00:26:56.789 align:start position:0% intuition, the Dao, like maybe it's ancestors,<00:26:55.279> who<00:26:55.440> knows?<00:26:55.760> But<00:26:55.919> like<00:26:56.240> some 00:26:56.789 --> 00:26:56.799 align:start position:0% ancestors, who knows? But like some 00:26:56.799 --> 00:26:58.950 align:start position:0% ancestors, who knows? But like some spirit<00:26:57.279> guide,<00:26:57.600> angel,<00:26:58.000> whatever.<00:26:58.559> Like<00:26:58.720> a 00:26:58.950 --> 00:26:58.960 align:start position:0% spirit guide, angel, whatever. Like a 00:26:58.960 --> 00:26:59.750 align:start position:0% spirit guide, angel, whatever. Like a voice 00:26:59.750 --> 00:26:59.760 align:start position:0% voice 00:26:59.760 --> 00:27:02.870 align:start position:0% voice >> came<00:27:00.000> to<00:27:00.159> me<00:27:00.320> in<00:27:00.480> that<00:27:00.640> moment<00:27:01.039> and<00:27:01.360> said, 00:27:02.870 --> 00:27:02.880 align:start position:0% >> came to me in that moment and said, 00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:04.549 align:start position:0% >> came to me in that moment and said, >> "If<00:27:03.279> you<00:27:03.440> have<00:27:03.679> reached<00:27:03.919> a<00:27:04.159> point<00:27:04.240> in<00:27:04.400> your 00:27:04.549 --> 00:27:04.559 align:start position:0% >> "If you have reached a point in your 00:27:04.559 --> 00:27:05.909 align:start position:0% >> "If you have reached a point in your life<00:27:04.720> where<00:27:04.960> you<00:27:05.120> are<00:27:05.360> seriously 00:27:05.909 --> 00:27:05.919 align:start position:0% life where you are seriously 00:27:05.919 --> 00:27:08.310 align:start position:0% life where you are seriously contemplating<00:27:07.200> murdering<00:27:07.600> another<00:27:08.000> person 00:27:08.310 --> 00:27:08.320 align:start position:0% contemplating murdering another person 00:27:08.320 --> 00:27:10.870 align:start position:0% contemplating murdering another person or<00:27:08.640> yourself, 00:27:10.870 --> 00:27:10.880 align:start position:0% or yourself, 00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:13.430 align:start position:0% or yourself, it's<00:27:11.760> quite<00:27:12.080> likely<00:27:12.640> that<00:27:12.880> you<00:27:13.039> have<00:27:13.200> reached 00:27:13.430 --> 00:27:13.440 align:start position:0% it's quite likely that you have reached 00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:15.430 align:start position:0% it's quite likely that you have reached the<00:27:13.600> end<00:27:13.760> of<00:27:13.840> your<00:27:14.000> power. 00:27:15.430 --> 00:27:15.440 align:start position:0% the end of your power. 00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:18.149 align:start position:0% the end of your power. And<00:27:15.919> that<00:27:16.240> being<00:27:16.559> the<00:27:16.799> case,<00:27:17.679> maybe<00:27:17.919> you 00:27:18.149 --> 00:27:18.159 align:start position:0% And that being the case, maybe you 00:27:18.159 --> 00:27:20.310 align:start position:0% And that being the case, maybe you should<00:27:18.320> call<00:27:18.559> somebody<00:27:18.799> and<00:27:19.039> ask<00:27:19.279> for<00:27:19.520> help, 00:27:20.310 --> 00:27:20.320 align:start position:0% should call somebody and ask for help, 00:27:20.320 --> 00:27:23.269 align:start position:0% should call somebody and ask for help, which<00:27:21.039> was<00:27:21.600> never<00:27:22.159> an<00:27:22.480> idea<00:27:22.799> that<00:27:23.039> had 00:27:23.269 --> 00:27:23.279 align:start position:0% which was never an idea that had 00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:25.269 align:start position:0% which was never an idea that had occurred<00:27:23.600> to<00:27:23.760> me. 00:27:25.269 --> 00:27:25.279 align:start position:0% occurred to me. 00:27:25.279 --> 00:27:27.510 align:start position:0% occurred to me. >> Never<00:27:25.679> an<00:27:25.919> idea<00:27:26.400> that<00:27:26.559> had<00:27:26.799> occur.<00:27:27.039> I'm<00:27:27.279> like, 00:27:27.510 --> 00:27:27.520 align:start position:0% >> Never an idea that had occur. I'm like, 00:27:27.520 --> 00:27:31.269 align:start position:0% >> Never an idea that had occur. I'm like, I<00:27:28.559> I<00:27:28.880> have<00:27:29.120> I<00:27:29.360> have<00:27:29.520> since<00:27:29.919> learned<00:27:30.720> that 00:27:31.269 --> 00:27:31.279 align:start position:0% I I have I have since learned that 00:27:31.279 --> 00:27:33.590 align:start position:0% I I have I have since learned that people<00:27:31.840> who 00:27:33.590 --> 00:27:33.600 align:start position:0% people who 00:27:33.600 --> 00:27:36.149 align:start position:0% people who isolate<00:27:34.159> themselves<00:27:34.880> and<00:27:35.200> do<00:27:35.440> not<00:27:35.679> ask<00:27:35.919> for 00:27:36.149 --> 00:27:36.159 align:start position:0% isolate themselves and do not ask for 00:27:36.159 --> 00:27:40.390 align:start position:0% isolate themselves and do not ask for help<00:27:36.640> when<00:27:36.960> they<00:27:37.120> are<00:27:37.360> in<00:27:37.600> trouble 00:27:40.390 --> 00:27:40.400 align:start position:0% help when they are in trouble 00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:42.870 align:start position:0% help when they are in trouble trained<00:27:41.039> as<00:27:41.440> children<00:27:41.919> that<00:27:42.159> help<00:27:42.480> is<00:27:42.640> not 00:27:42.870 --> 00:27:42.880 align:start position:0% trained as children that help is not 00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:46.230 align:start position:0% trained as children that help is not available.<00:27:44.080> And<00:27:44.400> so<00:27:44.640> when<00:27:44.880> you're<00:27:45.120> trained 00:27:46.230 --> 00:27:46.240 align:start position:0% available. And so when you're trained 00:27:46.240 --> 00:27:48.710 align:start position:0% available. And so when you're trained that<00:27:46.559> no<00:27:46.799> one's<00:27:47.120> coming, 00:27:48.710 --> 00:27:48.720 align:start position:0% that no one's coming, 00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:50.950 align:start position:0% that no one's coming, you<00:27:49.039> just<00:27:49.200> get<00:27:49.600> to<00:27:49.919> become<00:27:50.320> this<00:27:50.559> thing<00:27:50.720> that 00:27:50.950 --> 00:27:50.960 align:start position:0% you just get to become this thing that 00:27:50.960 --> 00:27:52.870 align:start position:0% you just get to become this thing that they<00:27:51.279> that<00:27:51.600> another<00:27:51.919> term<00:27:52.159> for<00:27:52.240> it<00:27:52.400> is<00:27:52.559> toxic 00:27:52.870 --> 00:27:52.880 align:start position:0% they that another term for it is toxic 00:27:52.880 --> 00:27:54.310 align:start position:0% they that another term for it is toxic self-reliance. 00:27:54.310 --> 00:27:54.320 align:start position:0% self-reliance. 00:27:54.320 --> 00:27:57.190 align:start position:0% self-reliance. >> Um<00:27:54.880> like<00:27:55.279> I<00:27:56.000> another<00:27:56.320> translation<00:27:56.720> of<00:27:56.799> that<00:27:56.960> is 00:27:57.190 --> 00:27:57.200 align:start position:0% >> Um like I another translation of that is 00:27:57.200 --> 00:27:57.909 align:start position:0% >> Um like I another translation of that is I<00:27:57.440> got<00:27:57.600> this. 00:27:57.909 --> 00:27:57.919 align:start position:0% I got this. 00:27:57.919 --> 00:27:59.110 align:start position:0% I got this. >> I'll<00:27:58.159> handle<00:27:58.399> it 00:27:59.110 --> 00:27:59.120 align:start position:0% >> I'll handle it 00:27:59.120 --> 00:28:00.710 align:start position:0% >> I'll handle it >> because<00:27:59.360> I've<00:27:59.679> always<00:27:59.840> had<00:28:00.000> to<00:28:00.240> got<00:28:00.399> this. 00:28:00.710 --> 00:28:00.720 align:start position:0% >> because I've always had to got this. 00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:03.190 align:start position:0% >> because I've always had to got this. Right?<00:28:01.039> So<00:28:01.279> Rehea<00:28:01.679> had<00:28:01.840> that<00:28:01.919> and<00:28:02.159> I<00:28:02.320> had<00:28:02.480> that. 00:28:03.190 --> 00:28:03.200 align:start position:0% Right? So Rehea had that and I had that. 00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:05.909 align:start position:0% Right? So Rehea had that and I had that. >> Um<00:28:03.679> so<00:28:04.000> she<00:28:04.320> was<00:28:04.480> doing<00:28:04.640> toxic<00:28:05.039> self-reliance 00:28:05.909 --> 00:28:05.919 align:start position:0% >> Um so she was doing toxic self-reliance 00:28:05.919 --> 00:28:06.950 align:start position:0% >> Um so she was doing toxic self-reliance by 00:28:06.950 --> 00:28:06.960 align:start position:0% by 00:28:06.960 --> 00:28:08.630 align:start position:0% by >> being<00:28:07.200> like<00:28:07.440> I'll<00:28:07.600> handle<00:28:07.840> this<00:28:08.080> by<00:28:08.240> just 00:28:08.630 --> 00:28:08.640 align:start position:0% >> being like I'll handle this by just 00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:10.149 align:start position:0% >> being like I'll handle this by just using<00:28:08.960> substances<00:28:09.440> the<00:28:09.600> way<00:28:09.679> that<00:28:09.840> I<00:28:10.000> know 00:28:10.149 --> 00:28:10.159 align:start position:0% using substances the way that I know 00:28:10.159 --> 00:28:12.230 align:start position:0% using substances the way that I know how.<00:28:10.399> I<00:28:10.640> was<00:28:10.799> doing<00:28:11.039> toxic<00:28:11.440> self-reliance<00:28:12.000> by 00:28:12.230 --> 00:28:12.240 align:start position:0% how. I was doing toxic self-reliance by 00:28:12.240 --> 00:28:14.470 align:start position:0% how. I was doing toxic self-reliance by like<00:28:12.399> if<00:28:12.640> I<00:28:12.799> can't<00:28:13.039> control<00:28:13.840> this<00:28:14.080> entire 00:28:14.470 --> 00:28:14.480 align:start position:0% like if I can't control this entire 00:28:14.480 --> 00:28:16.789 align:start position:0% like if I can't control this entire situation<00:28:14.880> then<00:28:15.200> somebody<00:28:15.520> has<00:28:15.760> to<00:28:15.919> die. 00:28:16.789 --> 00:28:16.799 align:start position:0% situation then somebody has to die. 00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:18.310 align:start position:0% situation then somebody has to die. >> And<00:28:17.200> um<00:28:17.360> and 00:28:18.310 --> 00:28:18.320 align:start position:0% >> And um and 00:28:18.320 --> 00:28:20.389 align:start position:0% >> And um and >> and<00:28:18.640> in<00:28:18.880> that<00:28:19.039> moment<00:28:19.440> it<00:28:19.679> was<00:28:19.840> like<00:28:20.159> oh 00:28:20.389 --> 00:28:20.399 align:start position:0% >> and in that moment it was like oh 00:28:20.399 --> 00:28:22.310 align:start position:0% >> and in that moment it was like oh there's<00:28:20.720> other<00:28:20.880> people<00:28:21.120> on<00:28:21.360> the<00:28:21.520> planet.<00:28:22.080> And 00:28:22.310 --> 00:28:22.320 align:start position:0% there's other people on the planet. And 00:28:22.320 --> 00:28:24.470 align:start position:0% there's other people on the planet. And the<00:28:22.480> thing<00:28:22.640> about<00:28:22.960> falling<00:28:23.360> so<00:28:23.600> deeply<00:28:24.080> into 00:28:24.470 --> 00:28:24.480 align:start position:0% the thing about falling so deeply into 00:28:24.480 --> 00:28:26.549 align:start position:0% the thing about falling so deeply into somebody<00:28:25.200> at<00:28:25.440> the<00:28:25.600> level<00:28:25.760> of<00:28:25.919> infatuation 00:28:26.549 --> 00:28:26.559 align:start position:0% somebody at the level of infatuation 00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:29.350 align:start position:0% somebody at the level of infatuation that<00:28:26.720> I<00:28:26.880> had<00:28:26.960> with<00:28:27.120> Rehea<00:28:27.520> was<00:28:27.760> like<00:28:28.799> what<00:28:29.039> I 00:28:29.350 --> 00:28:29.360 align:start position:0% that I had with Rehea was like what I 00:28:29.360 --> 00:28:31.269 align:start position:0% that I had with Rehea was like what I want<00:28:29.600> when<00:28:29.840> I'm<00:28:30.080> doing<00:28:30.240> that<00:28:30.559> is<00:28:30.720> for<00:28:30.960> there<00:28:31.120> to 00:28:31.269 --> 00:28:31.279 align:start position:0% want when I'm doing that is for there to 00:28:31.279 --> 00:28:33.510 align:start position:0% want when I'm doing that is for there to be<00:28:31.360> no<00:28:31.600> other<00:28:31.840> people<00:28:32.000> on<00:28:32.240> the<00:28:32.399> planet.<00:28:32.960> Like<00:28:33.200> I 00:28:33.510 --> 00:28:33.520 align:start position:0% be no other people on the planet. Like I 00:28:33.520 --> 00:28:36.389 align:start position:0% be no other people on the planet. Like I want<00:28:33.840> to<00:28:34.159> disappear<00:28:34.720> into<00:28:35.039> somebody<00:28:36.000> because 00:28:36.389 --> 00:28:36.399 align:start position:0% want to disappear into somebody because 00:28:36.399 --> 00:28:38.710 align:start position:0% want to disappear into somebody because I'm<00:28:36.720> uncomfortable<00:28:37.360> in<00:28:37.679> myself<00:28:38.159> and<00:28:38.320> so<00:28:38.559> I 00:28:38.710 --> 00:28:38.720 align:start position:0% I'm uncomfortable in myself and so I 00:28:38.720 --> 00:28:40.950 align:start position:0% I'm uncomfortable in myself and so I want<00:28:38.799> to<00:28:39.039> not<00:28:39.279> have<00:28:39.440> to<00:28:39.600> exist 00:28:40.950 --> 00:28:40.960 align:start position:0% want to not have to exist 00:28:40.960 --> 00:28:42.950 align:start position:0% want to not have to exist >> and<00:28:41.679> I<00:28:41.840> want<00:28:42.000> there<00:28:42.240> to<00:28:42.320> be<00:28:42.399> no<00:28:42.559> one<00:28:42.720> else 00:28:42.950 --> 00:28:42.960 align:start position:0% >> and I want there to be no one else 00:28:42.960 --> 00:28:45.269 align:start position:0% >> and I want there to be no one else either.<00:28:43.679> So<00:28:43.919> it's<00:28:44.240> just<00:28:44.399> a<00:28:44.799> called<00:28:45.039> like 00:28:45.269 --> 00:28:45.279 align:start position:0% either. So it's just a called like 00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:47.110 align:start position:0% either. So it's just a called like planet<00:28:45.679> them.<00:28:46.240> I'm<00:28:46.399> just<00:28:46.559> going<00:28:46.720> to<00:28:46.799> disappear 00:28:47.110 --> 00:28:47.120 align:start position:0% planet them. I'm just going to disappear 00:28:47.120 --> 00:28:49.350 align:start position:0% planet them. I'm just going to disappear into<00:28:47.360> planet<00:28:47.679> them.<00:28:48.159> And<00:28:48.399> I'd<00:28:48.640> been<00:28:48.799> so<00:28:49.039> sucked 00:28:49.350 --> 00:28:49.360 align:start position:0% into planet them. And I'd been so sucked 00:28:49.360 --> 00:28:53.190 align:start position:0% into planet them. And I'd been so sucked into<00:28:49.679> that<00:28:50.559> with<00:28:50.880> her<00:28:51.600> that 00:28:53.190 --> 00:28:53.200 align:start position:0% into that with her that 00:28:53.200 --> 00:28:54.950 align:start position:0% into that with her that >> I<00:28:53.440> it<00:28:53.760> would<00:28:53.840> have<00:28:54.000> never<00:28:54.240> occurred<00:28:54.480> to<00:28:54.640> me<00:28:54.720> to 00:28:54.950 --> 00:28:54.960 align:start position:0% >> I it would have never occurred to me to 00:28:54.960 --> 00:28:56.310 align:start position:0% >> I it would have never occurred to me to ask<00:28:55.120> for<00:28:55.279> help. 00:28:56.310 --> 00:28:56.320 align:start position:0% ask for help. 00:28:56.320 --> 00:28:57.669 align:start position:0% ask for help. >> This<00:28:56.480> is<00:28:56.559> the<00:28:56.720> scene<00:28:56.960> I<00:28:57.120> remember<00:28:57.279> and<00:28:57.440> I<00:28:57.600> was 00:28:57.669 --> 00:28:57.679 align:start position:0% >> This is the scene I remember and I was 00:28:57.679 --> 00:28:59.430 align:start position:0% >> This is the scene I remember and I was so<00:28:57.840> struck<00:28:58.000> by.<00:28:58.240> You're<00:28:58.480> in<00:28:58.640> the<00:28:58.799> park,<00:28:59.120> right? 00:28:59.430 --> 00:28:59.440 align:start position:0% so struck by. You're in the park, right? 00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:01.830 align:start position:0% so struck by. You're in the park, right? and<00:28:59.600> you<00:28:59.840> just<00:29:00.000> call<00:29:00.399> person<00:29:01.120> after<00:29:01.440> person 00:29:01.830 --> 00:29:01.840 align:start position:0% and you just call person after person 00:29:01.840 --> 00:29:02.950 align:start position:0% and you just call person after person after<00:29:02.159> person. 00:29:02.950 --> 00:29:02.960 align:start position:0% after person. 00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:03.510 align:start position:0% after person. >> Yeah. 00:29:03.510 --> 00:29:03.520 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:29:03.520 --> 00:29:06.070 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> What<00:29:03.919> did<00:29:04.559> it<00:29:04.960> feel<00:29:05.200> like?<00:29:05.520> Because<00:29:05.760> in<00:29:05.919> doing 00:29:06.070 --> 00:29:06.080 align:start position:0% >> What did it feel like? Because in doing 00:29:06.080 --> 00:29:07.350 align:start position:0% >> What did it feel like? Because in doing so,<00:29:06.399> of<00:29:06.559> course,<00:29:06.640> you're<00:29:06.880> asking<00:29:07.120> for<00:29:07.279> help, 00:29:07.350 --> 00:29:07.360 align:start position:0% so, of course, you're asking for help, 00:29:07.360 --> 00:29:09.750 align:start position:0% so, of course, you're asking for help, but<00:29:07.600> you're<00:29:07.760> also<00:29:08.000> admitting 00:29:09.750 --> 00:29:09.760 align:start position:0% but you're also admitting 00:29:09.760 --> 00:29:12.549 align:start position:0% but you're also admitting >> sort<00:29:10.000> of<00:29:10.080> the<00:29:10.159> the<00:29:10.559> depths<00:29:11.039> to<00:29:11.279> which<00:29:11.919> you<00:29:12.240> and 00:29:12.549 --> 00:29:12.559 align:start position:0% >> sort of the the depths to which you and 00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:15.750 align:start position:0% >> sort of the the depths to which you and her<00:29:12.720> and<00:29:12.880> the<00:29:13.120> two<00:29:13.200> of<00:29:13.360> you<00:29:13.600> had<00:29:14.640> had<00:29:15.039> sunk.<00:29:15.600> I 00:29:15.750 --> 00:29:15.760 align:start position:0% her and the two of you had had sunk. I 00:29:15.760 --> 00:29:17.269 align:start position:0% her and the two of you had had sunk. I mean,<00:29:15.919> you<00:29:16.000> you<00:29:16.320> write<00:29:16.559> in<00:29:16.799> this<00:29:16.960> excerpt, 00:29:17.269 --> 00:29:17.279 align:start position:0% mean, you you write in this excerpt, 00:29:17.279 --> 00:29:18.549 align:start position:0% mean, you you write in this excerpt, you're<00:29:17.440> like,<00:29:17.600> I'm<00:29:17.760> the<00:29:17.919> nice<00:29:18.159> lady<00:29:18.320> that 00:29:18.549 --> 00:29:18.559 align:start position:0% you're like, I'm the nice lady that 00:29:18.559 --> 00:29:21.110 align:start position:0% you're like, I'm the nice lady that wrote<00:29:18.799> Eat,<00:29:19.120> Pray,<00:29:19.360> Love.<00:29:20.080> Did<00:29:20.320> Did<00:29:20.559> it<00:29:20.799> feel 00:29:21.110 --> 00:29:21.120 align:start position:0% wrote Eat, Pray, Love. Did Did it feel 00:29:21.120 --> 00:29:23.990 align:start position:0% wrote Eat, Pray, Love. Did Did it feel like<00:29:22.559> did<00:29:22.799> you<00:29:22.960> recognize<00:29:23.360> yourself<00:29:23.679> sitting 00:29:23.990 --> 00:29:24.000 align:start position:0% like did you recognize yourself sitting 00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:25.909 align:start position:0% like did you recognize yourself sitting there<00:29:24.080> on<00:29:24.320> that<00:29:24.640> park<00:29:24.960> bench<00:29:25.360> making<00:29:25.679> those 00:29:25.909 --> 00:29:25.919 align:start position:0% there on that park bench making those 00:29:25.919 --> 00:29:29.350 align:start position:0% there on that park bench making those calls,<00:29:26.480> admitting<00:29:27.679> where<00:29:27.919> you<00:29:28.080> were?<00:29:28.960> Yeah. 00:29:29.350 --> 00:29:29.360 align:start position:0% calls, admitting where you were? Yeah. 00:29:29.360 --> 00:29:31.110 align:start position:0% calls, admitting where you were? Yeah. And<00:29:29.600> that<00:29:29.840> was<00:29:30.000> also<00:29:30.240> part<00:29:30.399> of<00:29:30.480> it,<00:29:30.720> which<00:29:30.960> is 00:29:31.110 --> 00:29:31.120 align:start position:0% And that was also part of it, which is 00:29:31.120 --> 00:29:33.909 align:start position:0% And that was also part of it, which is like<00:29:31.360> I've<00:29:31.679> been<00:29:32.000> I've<00:29:32.399> been<00:29:32.960> this<00:29:33.279> degraded 00:29:33.909 --> 00:29:33.919 align:start position:0% like I've been I've been this degraded 00:29:33.919 --> 00:29:35.110 align:start position:0% like I've been I've been this degraded before 00:29:35.110 --> 00:29:35.120 align:start position:0% before 00:29:35.120 --> 00:29:37.029 align:start position:0% before >> and<00:29:35.360> I<00:29:35.600> thought<00:29:35.760> I<00:29:36.000> wasn't<00:29:36.399> that<00:29:36.720> person 00:29:37.029 --> 00:29:37.039 align:start position:0% >> and I thought I wasn't that person 00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:37.750 align:start position:0% >> and I thought I wasn't that person anymore. 00:29:37.750 --> 00:29:37.760 align:start position:0% anymore. 00:29:37.760 --> 00:29:40.470 align:start position:0% anymore. >> What<00:29:37.919> was<00:29:38.080> it<00:29:38.240> about<00:29:38.399> this<00:29:38.640> time<00:29:38.799> that<00:29:39.120> was<00:29:39.279> so 00:29:40.470 --> 00:29:40.480 align:start position:0% >> What was it about this time that was so 00:29:40.480 --> 00:29:42.870 align:start position:0% >> What was it about this time that was so >> It<00:29:40.720> wasn't<00:29:41.039> that<00:29:41.919> this<00:29:42.159> time<00:29:42.320> was<00:29:42.559> different. 00:29:42.870 --> 00:29:42.880 align:start position:0% >> It wasn't that this time was different. 00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:44.389 align:start position:0% >> It wasn't that this time was different. It's<00:29:43.039> that<00:29:43.279> this<00:29:43.440> time<00:29:43.600> was<00:29:43.840> exactly<00:29:44.159> the 00:29:44.389 --> 00:29:44.399 align:start position:0% It's that this time was exactly the 00:29:44.399 --> 00:29:45.029 align:start position:0% It's that this time was exactly the same. 00:29:45.029 --> 00:29:45.039 align:start position:0% same. 00:29:45.039 --> 00:29:47.590 align:start position:0% same. >> Whoa.<00:29:45.600> Mhm.<00:29:46.080> you<00:29:46.320> know,<00:29:46.559> like<00:29:47.200> where<00:29:47.360> it's 00:29:47.590 --> 00:29:47.600 align:start position:0% >> Whoa. Mhm. you know, like where it's 00:29:47.600 --> 00:29:50.950 align:start position:0% >> Whoa. Mhm. you know, like where it's like,<00:29:47.760> oh,<00:29:48.080> once<00:29:48.399> again<00:29:49.760> I<00:29:50.000> have<00:29:50.320> completely 00:29:50.950 --> 00:29:50.960 align:start position:0% like, oh, once again I have completely 00:29:50.960 --> 00:29:55.029 align:start position:0% like, oh, once again I have completely lost<00:29:51.360> myself<00:29:51.679> to<00:29:51.919> somebody<00:29:53.039> and<00:29:53.600> once<00:29:54.000> again 00:29:55.029 --> 00:29:55.039 align:start position:0% lost myself to somebody and once again 00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:58.230 align:start position:0% lost myself to somebody and once again I'm<00:29:55.360> like<00:29:55.600> shattered<00:29:56.960> and<00:29:57.360> and<00:29:57.760> once<00:29:58.000> again 00:29:58.230 --> 00:29:58.240 align:start position:0% I'm like shattered and and once again 00:29:58.240 --> 00:29:59.590 align:start position:0% I'm like shattered and and once again the<00:29:58.480> person<00:29:58.640> who<00:29:58.880> I<00:29:59.039> thought<00:29:59.200> was<00:29:59.360> going<00:29:59.440> to 00:29:59.590 --> 00:29:59.600 align:start position:0% the person who I thought was going to 00:29:59.600 --> 00:30:03.430 align:start position:0% the person who I thought was going to save<00:29:59.840> me<00:30:00.720> ended<00:30:01.039> up<00:30:01.840> destroying<00:30:02.320> my<00:30:02.559> heart<00:30:03.120> and 00:30:03.430 --> 00:30:03.440 align:start position:0% save me ended up destroying my heart and 00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:05.269 align:start position:0% save me ended up destroying my heart and I<00:30:03.679> don't<00:30:03.840> even<00:30:04.000> know<00:30:04.080> who<00:30:04.320> I<00:30:04.480> am<00:30:04.559> anymore.<00:30:05.120> And 00:30:05.269 --> 00:30:05.279 align:start position:0% I don't even know who I am anymore. And 00:30:05.279 --> 00:30:07.669 align:start position:0% I don't even know who I am anymore. And if<00:30:05.440> it<00:30:05.600> had<00:30:05.760> been<00:30:05.919> the<00:30:06.159> first<00:30:06.399> time<00:30:07.200> or<00:30:07.520> even 00:30:07.669 --> 00:30:07.679 align:start position:0% if it had been the first time or even 00:30:07.679 --> 00:30:08.470 align:start position:0% if it had been the first time or even the<00:30:07.919> third 00:30:08.470 --> 00:30:08.480 align:start position:0% the third 00:30:08.480 --> 00:30:10.070 align:start position:0% the third >> Yeah. 00:30:10.070 --> 00:30:10.080 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:30:10.080 --> 00:30:11.029 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> or<00:30:10.320> even<00:30:10.480> the<00:30:10.640> fifth. 00:30:11.029 --> 00:30:11.039 align:start position:0% >> or even the fifth. 00:30:11.039 --> 00:30:12.389 align:start position:0% >> or even the fifth. >> Do<00:30:11.120> you<00:30:11.200> know<00:30:11.279> the<00:30:11.440> number?<00:30:11.919> I<00:30:12.000> mean,<00:30:12.159> I'm<00:30:12.320> just 00:30:12.389 --> 00:30:12.399 align:start position:0% >> Do you know the number? I mean, I'm just 00:30:12.399 --> 00:30:12.870 align:start position:0% >> Do you know the number? I mean, I'm just curious. 00:30:12.870 --> 00:30:12.880 align:start position:0% curious. 00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:15.190 align:start position:0% curious. >> I<00:30:13.039> mean,<00:30:13.600> I'll<00:30:13.919> tell<00:30:14.000> you<00:30:14.240> this.<00:30:14.799> I'll<00:30:15.120> tell 00:30:15.190 --> 00:30:15.200 align:start position:0% >> I mean, I'll tell you this. I'll tell 00:30:15.200 --> 00:30:17.830 align:start position:0% >> I mean, I'll tell you this. I'll tell you<00:30:15.440> that<00:30:16.000> as<00:30:16.320> low<00:30:17.039> what<00:30:17.279> we<00:30:17.360> call<00:30:17.520> in<00:30:17.600> the<00:30:17.679> room 00:30:17.830 --> 00:30:17.840 align:start position:0% you that as low what we call in the room 00:30:17.840 --> 00:30:20.230 align:start position:0% you that as low what we call in the room a<00:30:18.000> lowbottom<00:30:18.559> addict<00:30:18.880> as<00:30:19.120> somebody<00:30:19.760> where<00:30:20.000> the 00:30:20.230 --> 00:30:20.240 align:start position:0% a lowbottom addict as somebody where the 00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:22.950 align:start position:0% a lowbottom addict as somebody where the consequences<00:30:20.880> of<00:30:21.039> their<00:30:21.440> usage<00:30:21.760> is<00:30:22.000> huge. 00:30:22.950 --> 00:30:22.960 align:start position:0% consequences of their usage is huge. 00:30:22.960 --> 00:30:25.909 align:start position:0% consequences of their usage is huge. >> As<00:30:23.279> much<00:30:23.840> of<00:30:24.000> a<00:30:24.159> lowbottom<00:30:24.799> addict<00:30:25.200> as<00:30:25.440> Rehea 00:30:25.909 --> 00:30:25.919 align:start position:0% >> As much of a lowbottom addict as Rehea 00:30:25.919 --> 00:30:28.389 align:start position:0% >> As much of a lowbottom addict as Rehea was<00:30:26.240> as<00:30:26.399> a<00:30:26.559> drug<00:30:26.799> addict,<00:30:27.360> I<00:30:27.520> am<00:30:27.679> a<00:30:27.760> lowbottom 00:30:28.389 --> 00:30:28.399 align:start position:0% was as a drug addict, I am a lowbottom 00:30:28.399 --> 00:30:29.750 align:start position:0% was as a drug addict, I am a lowbottom sex<00:30:28.640> and<00:30:28.799> love<00:30:29.039> addict. 00:30:29.750 --> 00:30:29.760 align:start position:0% sex and love addict. 00:30:29.760 --> 00:30:32.230 align:start position:0% sex and love addict. >> Like<00:30:30.080> this<00:30:30.240> is<00:30:30.399> how<00:30:30.559> I<00:30:31.200> this<00:30:31.520> is<00:30:31.600> how<00:30:31.760> I<00:30:32.000> hurt 00:30:32.230 --> 00:30:32.240 align:start position:0% >> Like this is how I this is how I hurt 00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:33.269 align:start position:0% >> Like this is how I this is how I hurt myself. 00:30:33.269 --> 00:30:33.279 align:start position:0% myself. 00:30:33.279 --> 00:30:35.110 align:start position:0% myself. >> And<00:30:33.520> so<00:30:33.760> I<00:30:34.000> think<00:30:34.080> that<00:30:34.320> part<00:30:34.559> of<00:30:34.640> the<00:30:34.799> sort<00:30:34.960> of 00:30:35.110 --> 00:30:35.120 align:start position:0% >> And so I think that part of the sort of 00:30:35.120 --> 00:30:37.909 align:start position:0% >> And so I think that part of the sort of cascading<00:30:35.760> horror<00:30:36.320> of<00:30:36.559> that<00:30:36.799> was<00:30:37.039> like 00:30:37.909 --> 00:30:37.919 align:start position:0% cascading horror of that was like 00:30:37.919 --> 00:30:41.430 align:start position:0% cascading horror of that was like >> no<00:30:38.159> no<00:30:38.159> no<00:30:38.320> no,<00:30:39.279> I<00:30:39.600> fixed<00:30:40.000> my<00:30:40.240> life.<00:30:40.960> I<00:30:41.200> was<00:30:41.279> on 00:30:41.430 --> 00:30:41.440 align:start position:0% >> no no no no, I fixed my life. I was on 00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:44.310 align:start position:0% >> no no no no, I fixed my life. I was on Oprah.<00:30:41.919> I'm<00:30:42.159> an<00:30:42.399> expert.<00:30:43.440> And<00:30:43.679> that<00:30:43.919> is<00:30:44.080> the 00:30:44.310 --> 00:30:44.320 align:start position:0% Oprah. I'm an expert. And that is the 00:30:44.320 --> 00:30:46.710 align:start position:0% Oprah. I'm an expert. And that is the moment<00:30:44.480> where<00:30:44.720> you<00:30:44.960> first<00:30:45.279> went<00:30:45.600> to<00:30:45.760> your<00:30:46.480> to 00:30:46.710 --> 00:30:46.720 align:start position:0% moment where you first went to your to 00:30:46.720 --> 00:30:48.870 align:start position:0% moment where you first went to your to the<00:30:46.960> first<00:30:47.520> 12step<00:30:48.080> meetings<00:30:48.399> that<00:30:48.640> you'd 00:30:48.870 --> 00:30:48.880 align:start position:0% the first 12step meetings that you'd 00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:49.590 align:start position:0% the first 12step meetings that you'd been<00:30:49.039> to,<00:30:49.279> right? 00:30:49.590 --> 00:30:49.600 align:start position:0% been to, right? 00:30:49.600 --> 00:30:52.710 align:start position:0% been to, right? >> I<00:30:49.760> got<00:30:49.840> 12ststepped<00:30:50.799> um<00:30:50.960> by<00:30:51.200> a<00:30:51.440> friend<00:30:52.000> um<00:30:52.480> you 00:30:52.710 --> 00:30:52.720 align:start position:0% >> I got 12ststepped um by a friend um you 00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:55.269 align:start position:0% >> I got 12ststepped um by a friend um you know<00:30:53.360> I<00:30:53.520> mean<00:30:53.679> I<00:30:53.840> was<00:30:53.919> calling<00:30:54.240> to<00:30:54.480> tell<00:30:54.880> like 00:30:55.269 --> 00:30:55.279 align:start position:0% know I mean I was calling to tell like 00:30:55.279 --> 00:30:56.389 align:start position:0% know I mean I was calling to tell like have<00:30:55.520> people<00:30:55.679> tell<00:30:55.760> me<00:30:55.919> what<00:30:56.000> to<00:30:56.159> do<00:30:56.240> about 00:30:56.389 --> 00:30:56.399 align:start position:0% have people tell me what to do about 00:30:56.399 --> 00:30:56.870 align:start position:0% have people tell me what to do about Rheea, 00:30:56.870 --> 00:30:56.880 align:start position:0% Rheea, 00:30:56.880 --> 00:30:57.430 align:start position:0% Rheea, >> right? 00:30:57.430 --> 00:30:57.440 align:start position:0% >> right? 00:30:57.440 --> 00:30:59.590 align:start position:0% >> right? >> But<00:30:57.600> I<00:30:57.840> had<00:30:58.080> somehow<00:30:58.480> in<00:30:58.640> me<00:30:58.799> the<00:30:59.039> good<00:30:59.279> sense 00:30:59.590 --> 00:30:59.600 align:start position:0% >> But I had somehow in me the good sense 00:30:59.600 --> 00:31:01.830 align:start position:0% >> But I had somehow in me the good sense to<00:30:59.840> call<00:31:00.159> people<00:31:00.399> who<00:31:00.640> have<00:31:01.120> had<00:31:01.360> involvement 00:31:01.830 --> 00:31:01.840 align:start position:0% to call people who have had involvement 00:31:01.840 --> 00:31:02.950 align:start position:0% to call people who have had involvement with<00:31:02.000> addiction, 00:31:02.950 --> 00:31:02.960 align:start position:0% with addiction, 00:31:02.960 --> 00:31:04.470 align:start position:0% with addiction, >> whether<00:31:03.200> their<00:31:03.440> own<00:31:03.600> or<00:31:03.840> the<00:31:04.000> addictions<00:31:04.320> of 00:31:04.470 --> 00:31:04.480 align:start position:0% >> whether their own or the addictions of 00:31:04.480 --> 00:31:06.950 align:start position:0% >> whether their own or the addictions of others.<00:31:05.520> And<00:31:06.000> so<00:31:06.320> there<00:31:06.480> were<00:31:06.640> some<00:31:06.799> people 00:31:06.950 --> 00:31:06.960 align:start position:0% others. And so there were some people 00:31:06.960 --> 00:31:08.549 align:start position:0% others. And so there were some people who<00:31:07.200> had<00:31:07.360> some<00:31:07.600> good<00:31:07.760> recovery<00:31:08.159> on<00:31:08.399> those 00:31:08.549 --> 00:31:08.559 align:start position:0% who had some good recovery on those 00:31:08.559 --> 00:31:11.510 align:start position:0% who had some good recovery on those phone<00:31:08.799> calls<00:31:09.200> and<00:31:10.320> they<00:31:10.640> gave<00:31:10.799> me<00:31:10.960> some<00:31:11.200> very 00:31:11.510 --> 00:31:11.520 align:start position:0% phone calls and they gave me some very 00:31:11.520 --> 00:31:15.590 align:start position:0% phone calls and they gave me some very good<00:31:11.679> guidance<00:31:12.240> and<00:31:12.640> it<00:31:12.960> was<00:31:13.200> all<00:31:14.000> about<00:31:14.399> me. 00:31:15.590 --> 00:31:15.600 align:start position:0% good guidance and it was all about me. 00:31:15.600 --> 00:31:17.190 align:start position:0% good guidance and it was all about me. >> None<00:31:15.760> of<00:31:15.840> it<00:31:16.000> was<00:31:16.559> Did<00:31:16.640> you<00:31:16.720> hear<00:31:16.799> the<00:31:16.960> part? 00:31:17.190 --> 00:31:17.200 align:start position:0% >> None of it was Did you hear the part? 00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:19.269 align:start position:0% >> None of it was Did you hear the part? >> I'm<00:31:17.360> like,<00:31:17.440> "No,<00:31:17.760> did<00:31:17.919> you<00:31:18.000> know<00:31:18.240> though<00:31:18.960> about 00:31:19.269 --> 00:31:19.279 align:start position:0% >> I'm like, "No, did you know though about 00:31:19.279 --> 00:31:20.870 align:start position:0% >> I'm like, "No, did you know though about the<00:31:19.440> thousands<00:31:19.840> of<00:31:19.919> dollars<00:31:20.240> of<00:31:20.399> cocaine<00:31:20.720> and 00:31:20.870 --> 00:31:20.880 align:start position:0% the thousands of dollars of cocaine and 00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:23.590 align:start position:0% the thousands of dollars of cocaine and the<00:31:21.039> fentinol<00:31:21.520> patches<00:31:22.799> and<00:31:22.880> like<00:31:23.039> the<00:31:23.360> like 00:31:23.590 --> 00:31:23.600 align:start position:0% the fentinol patches and like the like 00:31:23.600 --> 00:31:25.350 align:start position:0% the fentinol patches and like the like the<00:31:23.840> teenagers<00:31:24.399> coming<00:31:24.640> into<00:31:24.799> our<00:31:25.039> apartment 00:31:25.350 --> 00:31:25.360 align:start position:0% the teenagers coming into our apartment 00:31:25.360 --> 00:31:27.590 align:start position:0% the teenagers coming into our apartment day<00:31:25.520> and<00:31:25.760> night<00:31:26.000> with<00:31:26.240> like<00:31:26.559> piles<00:31:26.960> of<00:31:27.120> drugs? 00:31:27.590 --> 00:31:27.600 align:start position:0% day and night with like piles of drugs? 00:31:27.600 --> 00:31:28.470 align:start position:0% day and night with like piles of drugs? Like 00:31:28.470 --> 00:31:28.480 align:start position:0% Like 00:31:28.480 --> 00:31:30.870 align:start position:0% Like >> how<00:31:28.720> do<00:31:28.799> we<00:31:29.039> stop<00:31:29.200> that,<00:31:29.840> you<00:31:30.000> know?"<00:31:30.159> And<00:31:30.399> they 00:31:30.870 --> 00:31:30.880 align:start position:0% >> how do we stop that, you know?" And they 00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:33.029 align:start position:0% >> how do we stop that, you know?" And they all<00:31:31.279> were<00:31:31.600> like,<00:31:31.919> "What<00:31:32.240> are<00:31:32.480> you<00:31:32.640> going<00:31:32.799> to<00:31:32.960> do 00:31:33.029 --> 00:31:33.039 align:start position:0% all were like, "What are you going to do 00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:34.710 align:start position:0% all were like, "What are you going to do to<00:31:33.279> take<00:31:33.440> care<00:31:33.600> of<00:31:33.760> you?"<00:31:34.159> M 00:31:34.710 --> 00:31:34.720 align:start position:0% to take care of you?" M 00:31:34.720 --> 00:31:35.990 align:start position:0% to take care of you?" M >> um<00:31:34.799> and<00:31:34.960> I'm<00:31:35.120> like,<00:31:35.200> "But<00:31:35.440> did<00:31:35.600> you<00:31:35.760> hear<00:31:35.840> how 00:31:35.990 --> 00:31:36.000 align:start position:0% >> um and I'm like, "But did you hear how 00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:38.310 align:start position:0% >> um and I'm like, "But did you hear how she's<00:31:36.240> a<00:31:36.559> cancer<00:31:36.880> patient<00:31:37.120> in<00:31:37.360> hospice,<00:31:38.159> you 00:31:38.310 --> 00:31:38.320 align:start position:0% she's a cancer patient in hospice, you 00:31:38.320 --> 00:31:40.789 align:start position:0% she's a cancer patient in hospice, you know,<00:31:38.480> like<00:31:38.960> I<00:31:39.200> can't<00:31:39.360> take<00:31:39.519> care<00:31:39.679> of<00:31:39.840> me.<00:31:40.320> Like 00:31:40.789 --> 00:31:40.799 align:start position:0% know, like I can't take care of me. Like 00:31:40.799 --> 00:31:43.350 align:start position:0% know, like I can't take care of me. Like I'm<00:31:41.039> holding<00:31:41.279> the<00:31:41.519> world<00:31:41.760> together."<00:31:42.640> Um<00:31:43.039> so 00:31:43.350 --> 00:31:43.360 align:start position:0% I'm holding the world together." Um so 00:31:43.360 --> 00:31:45.029 align:start position:0% I'm holding the world together." Um so anyway,<00:31:43.840> a<00:31:44.080> couple<00:31:44.320> people<00:31:44.559> said,<00:31:44.640> "Go<00:31:44.880> to 00:31:45.029 --> 00:31:45.039 align:start position:0% anyway, a couple people said, "Go to 00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:46.389 align:start position:0% anyway, a couple people said, "Go to Alanon." 00:31:46.389 --> 00:31:46.399 align:start position:0% Alanon." 00:31:46.399 --> 00:31:50.549 align:start position:0% Alanon." >> Um<00:31:47.360> and<00:31:48.000> and<00:31:48.320> then<00:31:48.559> one<00:31:48.799> person<00:31:49.200> said, 00:31:50.549 --> 00:31:50.559 align:start position:0% >> Um and and then one person said, 00:31:50.559 --> 00:31:53.269 align:start position:0% >> Um and and then one person said, >> you<00:31:50.799> know,<00:31:51.120> I've<00:31:51.440> watched<00:31:51.760> you<00:31:52.159> now<00:31:52.399> for<00:31:52.799> 25 00:31:53.269 --> 00:31:53.279 align:start position:0% >> you know, I've watched you now for 25 00:31:53.279 --> 00:31:57.669 align:start position:0% >> you know, I've watched you now for 25 years<00:31:53.679> do<00:31:53.919> this<00:31:54.399> to<00:31:54.640> yourself.<00:31:55.760> And 00:31:57.669 --> 00:31:57.679 align:start position:0% years do this to yourself. And 00:31:57.679 --> 00:31:59.750 align:start position:0% years do this to yourself. And there's<00:31:58.000> a<00:31:58.240> program<00:31:58.720> for<00:31:58.960> people<00:31:59.200> like<00:31:59.440> you, 00:31:59.750 --> 00:31:59.760 align:start position:0% there's a program for people like you, 00:31:59.760 --> 00:32:01.509 align:start position:0% there's a program for people like you, for<00:32:00.000> people<00:32:00.240> with<00:32:00.480> love<00:32:00.799> addiction.<00:32:01.279> There's 00:32:01.509 --> 00:32:01.519 align:start position:0% for people with love addiction. There's 00:32:01.519 --> 00:32:03.110 align:start position:0% for people with love addiction. There's programs<00:32:01.919> for<00:32:02.080> people<00:32:02.240> with<00:32:02.399> sex<00:32:02.640> addiction. 00:32:03.110 --> 00:32:03.120 align:start position:0% programs for people with sex addiction. 00:32:03.120 --> 00:32:04.230 align:start position:0% programs for people with sex addiction. And<00:32:03.200> there's<00:32:03.440> programs<00:32:03.760> for<00:32:03.919> people<00:32:04.080> with 00:32:04.230 --> 00:32:04.240 align:start position:0% And there's programs for people with 00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:05.830 align:start position:0% And there's programs for people with codependency<00:32:04.880> issues. 00:32:05.830 --> 00:32:05.840 align:start position:0% codependency issues. 00:32:05.840 --> 00:32:07.509 align:start position:0% codependency issues. >> And<00:32:06.080> I<00:32:06.399> think<00:32:06.480> the<00:32:06.720> problem<00:32:06.960> might<00:32:07.200> be<00:32:07.279> bigger 00:32:07.509 --> 00:32:07.519 align:start position:0% >> And I think the problem might be bigger 00:32:07.519 --> 00:32:11.350 align:start position:0% >> And I think the problem might be bigger than<00:32:07.679> Rehea<00:32:08.559> and<00:32:09.600> maybe<00:32:09.840> you<00:32:10.080> need<00:32:10.240> to<00:32:11.200> think 00:32:11.350 --> 00:32:11.360 align:start position:0% than Rehea and maybe you need to think 00:32:11.360 --> 00:32:13.669 align:start position:0% than Rehea and maybe you need to think about<00:32:11.600> that.<00:32:12.240> And<00:32:12.399> that<00:32:12.559> was<00:32:12.720> both<00:32:13.039> insulting 00:32:13.669 --> 00:32:13.679 align:start position:0% about that. And that was both insulting 00:32:13.679 --> 00:32:15.669 align:start position:0% about that. And that was both insulting and 00:32:15.669 --> 00:32:15.679 align:start position:0% and 00:32:15.679 --> 00:32:17.029 align:start position:0% and maybe<00:32:16.000> revvelatory. 00:32:17.029 --> 00:32:17.039 align:start position:0% maybe revvelatory. 00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:18.789 align:start position:0% maybe revvelatory. >> That's<00:32:17.279> so<00:32:17.600> clarifying.<00:32:18.240> It<00:32:18.399> sounds<00:32:18.559> like 00:32:18.789 --> 00:32:18.799 align:start position:0% >> That's so clarifying. It sounds like 00:32:18.799 --> 00:32:20.149 align:start position:0% >> That's so clarifying. It sounds like both.<00:32:19.200> Yeah. 00:32:20.149 --> 00:32:20.159 align:start position:0% both. Yeah. 00:32:20.159 --> 00:32:20.710 align:start position:0% both. Yeah. >> Yeah. 00:32:20.710 --> 00:32:20.720 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:32:20.720 --> 00:32:23.990 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> You<00:32:20.960> begin<00:32:21.600> your<00:32:21.919> recovery 00:32:23.990 --> 00:32:24.000 align:start position:0% >> You begin your recovery 00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:25.909 align:start position:0% >> You begin your recovery >> in<00:32:24.240> that<00:32:24.480> moment.<00:32:25.039> Um<00:32:25.279> or<00:32:25.440> not<00:32:25.600> in<00:32:25.760> that 00:32:25.909 --> 00:32:25.919 align:start position:0% >> in that moment. Um or not in that 00:32:25.919 --> 00:32:27.909 align:start position:0% >> in that moment. Um or not in that moment,<00:32:26.080> but<00:32:26.320> you<00:32:26.559> begin<00:32:26.880> going<00:32:27.120> to<00:32:27.360> meetings 00:32:27.909 --> 00:32:27.919 align:start position:0% moment, but you begin going to meetings 00:32:27.919 --> 00:32:29.750 align:start position:0% moment, but you begin going to meetings that<00:32:28.159> day.<00:32:28.399> You<00:32:28.559> went<00:32:28.640> to<00:32:28.880> you<00:32:29.039> went<00:32:29.200> to<00:32:29.279> the 00:32:29.750 --> 00:32:29.760 align:start position:0% that day. You went to you went to the 00:32:29.760 --> 00:32:30.870 align:start position:0% that day. You went to you went to the >> a<00:32:30.000> meeting<00:32:30.240> that<00:32:30.480> day. 00:32:30.870 --> 00:32:30.880 align:start position:0% >> a meeting that day. 00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:33.509 align:start position:0% >> a meeting that day. >> Yeah.<00:32:31.360> Oh,<00:32:31.679> you<00:32:31.760> do<00:32:31.919> not<00:32:32.080> waste<00:32:32.320> time. 00:32:33.509 --> 00:32:33.519 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Oh, you do not waste time. 00:32:33.519 --> 00:32:34.389 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Oh, you do not waste time. >> It<00:32:33.760> was<00:32:33.840> that<00:32:34.080> or 00:32:34.389 --> 00:32:34.399 align:start position:0% >> It was that or 00:32:34.399 --> 00:32:35.269 align:start position:0% >> It was that or >> there<00:32:34.480> was<00:32:34.559> no<00:32:34.640> time<00:32:34.799> to<00:32:34.880> waste. 00:32:35.269 --> 00:32:35.279 align:start position:0% >> there was no time to waste. 00:32:35.279 --> 00:32:37.909 align:start position:0% >> there was no time to waste. >> I<00:32:35.440> was<00:32:35.600> going<00:32:35.679> to<00:32:35.840> die. 00:32:37.909 --> 00:32:37.919 align:start position:0% >> I was going to die. 00:32:37.919 --> 00:32:38.950 align:start position:0% >> I was going to die. >> Yeah. 00:32:38.950 --> 00:32:38.960 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:32:38.960 --> 00:32:41.590 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> You<00:32:39.200> move<00:32:39.440> out. 00:32:41.590 --> 00:32:41.600 align:start position:0% >> You move out. 00:32:41.600 --> 00:32:43.190 align:start position:0% >> You move out. >> What's<00:32:41.919> happening<00:32:42.159> with<00:32:42.320> Rehea<00:32:42.799> during<00:32:43.039> this 00:32:43.190 --> 00:32:43.200 align:start position:0% >> What's happening with Rehea during this 00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:43.909 align:start position:0% >> What's happening with Rehea during this time? 00:32:43.909 --> 00:32:43.919 align:start position:0% time? 00:32:43.919 --> 00:32:46.630 align:start position:0% time? >> So,<00:32:44.240> other<00:32:44.480> people<00:32:44.720> moved<00:32:45.039> in,<00:32:45.760> you<00:32:45.919> know,<00:32:46.399> um 00:32:46.630 --> 00:32:46.640 align:start position:0% >> So, other people moved in, you know, um 00:32:46.640 --> 00:32:50.549 align:start position:0% >> So, other people moved in, you know, um and<00:32:47.120> she<00:32:47.600> was<00:32:48.240> using<00:32:48.880> really<00:32:49.279> hard.<00:32:50.159> She<00:32:50.399> was 00:32:50.549 --> 00:32:50.559 align:start position:0% and she was using really hard. She was 00:32:50.559 --> 00:32:52.389 align:start position:0% and she was using really hard. She was also<00:32:50.960> in<00:32:51.200> her<00:32:51.360> own<00:32:51.519> way<00:32:51.679> trying<00:32:51.840> to<00:32:52.000> rein<00:32:52.240> it 00:32:52.389 --> 00:32:52.399 align:start position:0% also in her own way trying to rein it 00:32:52.399 --> 00:32:53.990 align:start position:0% also in her own way trying to rein it in.<00:32:53.039> There<00:32:53.200> were<00:32:53.360> people<00:32:53.600> trying<00:32:53.760> to<00:32:53.840> help 00:32:53.990 --> 00:32:54.000 align:start position:0% in. There were people trying to help 00:32:54.000 --> 00:32:55.509 align:start position:0% in. There were people trying to help her.<00:32:54.320> There<00:32:54.399> were<00:32:54.559> also<00:32:54.799> people<00:32:55.039> doing<00:32:55.279> drugs 00:32:55.509 --> 00:32:55.519 align:start position:0% her. There were also people doing drugs 00:32:55.519 --> 00:32:57.350 align:start position:0% her. There were also people doing drugs with<00:32:55.760> her.<00:32:56.480> There<00:32:56.640> were<00:32:56.799> people<00:32:57.120> trying<00:32:57.279> to 00:32:57.350 --> 00:32:57.360 align:start position:0% with her. There were people trying to 00:32:57.360 --> 00:32:58.950 align:start position:0% with her. There were people trying to help<00:32:57.519> her<00:32:57.679> and<00:32:57.919> do<00:32:58.080> drugs<00:32:58.320> with<00:32:58.480> her.<00:32:58.799> you 00:32:58.950 --> 00:32:58.960 align:start position:0% help her and do drugs with her. you 00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:01.909 align:start position:0% help her and do drugs with her. you know,<00:32:59.200> like<00:32:59.440> messy,<00:33:00.000> complicated.<00:33:01.200> Um,<00:33:01.600> but 00:33:01.909 --> 00:33:01.919 align:start position:0% know, like messy, complicated. Um, but 00:33:01.919 --> 00:33:05.190 align:start position:0% know, like messy, complicated. Um, but she<00:33:02.640> ended<00:33:02.960> up<00:33:03.200> calling<00:33:04.000> an<00:33:04.240> ex<00:33:04.480> of<00:33:04.640> hers<00:33:04.960> who 00:33:05.190 --> 00:33:05.200 align:start position:0% she ended up calling an ex of hers who 00:33:05.200 --> 00:33:08.149 align:start position:0% she ended up calling an ex of hers who had<00:33:05.840> over<00:33:06.080> the<00:33:06.240> years<00:33:06.559> become<00:33:07.679> one<00:33:07.840> of<00:33:08.000> her 00:33:08.149 --> 00:33:08.159 align:start position:0% had over the years become one of her 00:33:08.159 --> 00:33:11.350 align:start position:0% had over the years become one of her best<00:33:08.399> friends.<00:33:09.279> Um,<00:33:09.679> like<00:33:09.840> a<00:33:10.480> like<00:33:10.720> a<00:33:10.960> family 00:33:11.350 --> 00:33:11.360 align:start position:0% best friends. Um, like a like a family 00:33:11.360 --> 00:33:16.470 align:start position:0% best friends. Um, like a like a family person.<00:33:12.240> And<00:33:12.799> um,<00:33:13.279> and<00:33:13.600> just<00:33:14.559> said,<00:33:15.840> "Stacy, 00:33:16.470 --> 00:33:16.480 align:start position:0% person. And um, and just said, "Stacy, 00:33:16.480 --> 00:33:19.430 align:start position:0% person. And um, and just said, "Stacy, I'm<00:33:16.640> in<00:33:16.720> trouble<00:33:16.880> and<00:33:17.120> I<00:33:17.279> need<00:33:17.440> help."<00:33:17.919> And 00:33:19.430 --> 00:33:19.440 align:start position:0% I'm in trouble and I need help." And 00:33:19.440 --> 00:33:23.750 align:start position:0% I'm in trouble and I need help." And >> Stacy<00:33:20.480> was<00:33:20.799> amazing.<00:33:21.600> Um,<00:33:22.159> Stacy 00:33:23.750 --> 00:33:23.760 align:start position:0% >> Stacy was amazing. Um, Stacy 00:33:23.760 --> 00:33:25.190 align:start position:0% >> Stacy was amazing. Um, Stacy was<00:33:24.000> like,<00:33:24.080> "If<00:33:24.320> you<00:33:24.399> can<00:33:24.559> get<00:33:24.720> yourself<00:33:24.960> to 00:33:25.190 --> 00:33:25.200 align:start position:0% was like, "If you can get yourself to 00:33:25.200 --> 00:33:27.909 align:start position:0% was like, "If you can get yourself to Detroit<00:33:26.159> without<00:33:26.559> getting<00:33:26.799> arrested<00:33:27.600> or 00:33:27.909 --> 00:33:27.919 align:start position:0% Detroit without getting arrested or 00:33:27.919 --> 00:33:29.110 align:start position:0% Detroit without getting arrested or dying, 00:33:29.110 --> 00:33:29.120 align:start position:0% dying, 00:33:29.120 --> 00:33:31.430 align:start position:0% dying, >> I<00:33:29.360> will<00:33:29.519> help<00:33:29.679> you,<00:33:30.000> but<00:33:30.559> it<00:33:30.799> will<00:33:30.960> be<00:33:31.039> on<00:33:31.279> my 00:33:31.430 --> 00:33:31.440 align:start position:0% >> I will help you, but it will be on my 00:33:31.440 --> 00:33:33.909 align:start position:0% >> I will help you, but it will be on my terms<00:33:31.840> and<00:33:32.159> there<00:33:32.480> won't<00:33:32.640> be<00:33:32.799> any<00:33:32.960> of<00:33:33.679> this 00:33:33.909 --> 00:33:33.919 align:start position:0% terms and there won't be any of this 00:33:33.919 --> 00:33:35.669 align:start position:0% terms and there won't be any of this stuff<00:33:34.080> that<00:33:34.320> you're<00:33:34.480> doing.<00:33:35.039> Um,<00:33:35.360> we're<00:33:35.600> going 00:33:35.669 --> 00:33:35.679 align:start position:0% stuff that you're doing. Um, we're going 00:33:35.679 --> 00:33:37.430 align:start position:0% stuff that you're doing. Um, we're going to<00:33:35.760> get<00:33:35.840> you<00:33:36.000> off<00:33:36.399> all<00:33:36.640> of<00:33:36.720> these<00:33:36.960> other<00:33:37.200> drugs 00:33:37.430 --> 00:33:37.440 align:start position:0% to get you off all of these other drugs 00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:39.909 align:start position:0% to get you off all of these other drugs and<00:33:38.320> get<00:33:38.559> you<00:33:38.720> back<00:33:38.880> into<00:33:39.279> proper<00:33:39.600> medical 00:33:39.909 --> 00:33:39.919 align:start position:0% and get you back into proper medical 00:33:39.919 --> 00:33:41.750 align:start position:0% and get you back into proper medical care."<00:33:40.559> And<00:33:40.720> she<00:33:40.880> actually<00:33:41.200> did. 00:33:41.750 --> 00:33:41.760 align:start position:0% care." And she actually did. 00:33:41.760 --> 00:33:43.830 align:start position:0% care." And she actually did. >> I<00:33:42.000> mean,<00:33:42.159> and<00:33:42.320> that<00:33:42.799> it<00:33:43.039> was<00:33:43.200> it's<00:33:43.440> remarkable 00:33:43.830 --> 00:33:43.840 align:start position:0% >> I mean, and that it was it's remarkable 00:33:43.840 --> 00:33:45.590 align:start position:0% >> I mean, and that it was it's remarkable to<00:33:44.080> read<00:33:44.240> about<00:33:44.559> that<00:33:44.880> turn<00:33:45.200> because<00:33:45.440> it 00:33:45.590 --> 00:33:45.600 align:start position:0% to read about that turn because it 00:33:45.600 --> 00:33:48.549 align:start position:0% to read about that turn because it allowed<00:33:45.919> you<00:33:46.080> to<00:33:46.159> be<00:33:46.320> with<00:33:46.559> Rehea<00:33:47.440> when<00:33:47.760> she 00:33:48.549 --> 00:33:48.559 align:start position:0% allowed you to be with Rehea when she 00:33:48.559 --> 00:33:48.789 align:start position:0% allowed you to be with Rehea when she passed. 00:33:48.789 --> 00:33:48.799 align:start position:0% passed. 00:33:48.799 --> 00:33:50.310 align:start position:0% passed. >> Yeah,<00:33:49.039> she<00:33:49.200> came<00:33:49.279> out<00:33:49.440> of<00:33:49.519> it.<00:33:49.600> I<00:33:49.840> mean,<00:33:50.000> I 00:33:50.310 --> 00:33:50.320 align:start position:0% >> Yeah, she came out of it. I mean, I 00:33:50.320 --> 00:33:52.950 align:start position:0% >> Yeah, she came out of it. I mean, I never,<00:33:50.720> again,<00:33:51.760> going<00:33:52.000> to<00:33:52.159> how<00:33:52.399> little<00:33:52.640> I<00:33:52.799> can 00:33:52.950 --> 00:33:52.960 align:start position:0% never, again, going to how little I can 00:33:52.960 --> 00:33:55.110 align:start position:0% never, again, going to how little I can control<00:33:53.200> or<00:33:53.519> understand<00:33:53.840> the<00:33:54.000> world,<00:33:54.799> I<00:33:55.039> was 00:33:55.110 --> 00:33:55.120 align:start position:0% control or understand the world, I was 00:33:55.120 --> 00:33:57.110 align:start position:0% control or understand the world, I was like,<00:33:55.679> Stacy,<00:33:56.080> that's<00:33:56.240> not<00:33:56.399> going<00:33:56.480> to<00:33:56.640> work. 00:33:57.110 --> 00:33:57.120 align:start position:0% like, Stacy, that's not going to work. 00:33:57.120 --> 00:33:59.029 align:start position:0% like, Stacy, that's not going to work. And<00:33:57.360> Stacy's<00:33:57.840> like,<00:33:58.000> I<00:33:58.159> think<00:33:58.240> it<00:33:58.480> will.<00:33:58.799> And 00:33:59.029 --> 00:33:59.039 align:start position:0% And Stacy's like, I think it will. And 00:33:59.039 --> 00:33:59.669 align:start position:0% And Stacy's like, I think it will. And it 00:33:59.669 --> 00:33:59.679 align:start position:0% it 00:33:59.679 --> 00:34:02.630 align:start position:0% it >> and<00:33:59.919> it<00:34:00.159> did.<00:34:00.799> Um,<00:34:01.120> and<00:34:01.360> we<00:34:01.600> got<00:34:01.840> her<00:34:02.080> back. 00:34:02.630 --> 00:34:02.640 align:start position:0% >> and it did. Um, and we got her back. 00:34:02.640 --> 00:34:06.230 align:start position:0% >> and it did. Um, and we got her back. Like,<00:34:02.960> she<00:34:03.360> came<00:34:04.080> back,<00:34:05.200> not<00:34:05.440> the<00:34:05.600> full<00:34:05.840> Rehea, 00:34:06.230 --> 00:34:06.240 align:start position:0% Like, she came back, not the full Rehea, 00:34:06.240 --> 00:34:07.750 align:start position:0% Like, she came back, not the full Rehea, but<00:34:06.399> like<00:34:06.559> for<00:34:06.799> somebody<00:34:07.039> who<00:34:07.279> had<00:34:07.440> a<00:34:07.600> couple 00:34:07.750 --> 00:34:07.760 align:start position:0% but like for somebody who had a couple 00:34:07.760 --> 00:34:11.030 align:start position:0% but like for somebody who had a couple months<00:34:07.919> to<00:34:08.159> live<00:34:08.720> pretty<00:34:09.200> much<00:34:09.679> in<00:34:10.000> her<00:34:10.240> own 00:34:11.030 --> 00:34:11.040 align:start position:0% months to live pretty much in her own 00:34:11.040 --> 00:34:13.909 align:start position:0% months to live pretty much in her own character<00:34:11.440> and<00:34:11.760> identity<00:34:12.159> again.<00:34:13.440> Before 00:34:13.909 --> 00:34:13.919 align:start position:0% character and identity again. Before 00:34:13.919 --> 00:34:17.430 align:start position:0% character and identity again. Before when<00:34:14.159> you<00:34:14.399> thought<00:34:14.560> about<00:34:15.280> her<00:34:15.839> passing,<00:34:17.200> you 00:34:17.430 --> 00:34:17.440 align:start position:0% when you thought about her passing, you 00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:19.589 align:start position:0% when you thought about her passing, you described<00:34:17.839> it<00:34:18.000> like<00:34:18.240> my<00:34:18.480> God<00:34:18.800> would<00:34:19.040> die. 00:34:19.589 --> 00:34:19.599 align:start position:0% described it like my God would die. 00:34:19.599 --> 00:34:21.589 align:start position:0% described it like my God would die. >> Yeah. 00:34:21.589 --> 00:34:21.599 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:34:21.599 --> 00:34:23.829 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> What<00:34:21.839> was<00:34:22.000> it<00:34:22.240> actually<00:34:22.639> like<00:34:22.960> when<00:34:23.200> she<00:34:23.440> left? 00:34:23.829 --> 00:34:23.839 align:start position:0% >> What was it actually like when she left? 00:34:23.839 --> 00:34:25.190 align:start position:0% >> What was it actually like when she left? My<00:34:24.079> God<00:34:24.320> died. 00:34:25.190 --> 00:34:25.200 align:start position:0% My God died. 00:34:25.200 --> 00:34:28.790 align:start position:0% My God died. >> Okay.<00:34:26.399> Yeah.<00:34:26.879> But<00:34:27.119> my<00:34:27.280> God<00:34:27.599> had<00:34:27.919> died<00:34:28.399> before 00:34:28.790 --> 00:34:28.800 align:start position:0% >> Okay. Yeah. But my God had died before 00:34:28.800 --> 00:34:30.550 align:start position:0% >> Okay. Yeah. But my God had died before she<00:34:29.119> died.<00:34:29.520> That<00:34:29.760> was<00:34:29.839> why<00:34:30.079> it<00:34:30.240> was<00:34:30.320> so 00:34:30.550 --> 00:34:30.560 align:start position:0% she died. That was why it was so 00:34:30.560 --> 00:34:32.710 align:start position:0% she died. That was why it was so disorienting<00:34:31.599> because 00:34:32.710 --> 00:34:32.720 align:start position:0% disorienting because 00:34:32.720 --> 00:34:35.190 align:start position:0% disorienting because >> I<00:34:33.040> lost<00:34:33.359> my<00:34:33.599> God<00:34:33.839> when<00:34:34.079> she<00:34:34.240> picked<00:34:34.480> up<00:34:34.720> cocaine 00:34:35.190 --> 00:34:35.200 align:start position:0% >> I lost my God when she picked up cocaine 00:34:35.200 --> 00:34:39.349 align:start position:0% >> I lost my God when she picked up cocaine and<00:34:35.520> stopped<00:34:36.560> being<00:34:36.800> my<00:34:37.040> hero.<00:34:38.000> And<00:34:38.800> that<00:34:39.200> was 00:34:39.349 --> 00:34:39.359 align:start position:0% and stopped being my hero. And that was 00:34:39.359 --> 00:34:42.069 align:start position:0% and stopped being my hero. And that was what<00:34:39.599> was<00:34:40.000> where<00:34:40.240> the<00:34:40.480> trauma<00:34:40.800> was<00:34:40.960> for<00:34:41.119> me<00:34:41.679> was 00:34:42.069 --> 00:34:42.079 align:start position:0% what was where the trauma was for me was 00:34:42.079 --> 00:34:44.790 align:start position:0% what was where the trauma was for me was like<00:34:42.399> I<00:34:42.720> was<00:34:42.800> kind<00:34:43.040> of<00:34:43.839> ready<00:34:44.079> for<00:34:44.320> her<00:34:44.480> to<00:34:44.560> die, 00:34:44.790 --> 00:34:44.800 align:start position:0% like I was kind of ready for her to die, 00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:46.149 align:start position:0% like I was kind of ready for her to die, but<00:34:44.960> I<00:34:45.119> wasn't<00:34:45.359> ready<00:34:45.520> for<00:34:45.599> her<00:34:45.760> to<00:34:45.919> leave 00:34:46.149 --> 00:34:46.159 align:start position:0% but I wasn't ready for her to leave 00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:47.510 align:start position:0% but I wasn't ready for her to leave before<00:34:46.399> she<00:34:46.639> died. 00:34:47.510 --> 00:34:47.520 align:start position:0% before she died. 00:34:47.520 --> 00:34:50.710 align:start position:0% before she died. >> And<00:34:48.800> that<00:34:49.119> was<00:34:49.280> where<00:34:49.440> the<00:34:49.599> wounding<00:34:50.079> was<00:34:50.399> in 00:34:50.710 --> 00:34:50.720 align:start position:0% >> And that was where the wounding was in 00:34:50.720 --> 00:34:52.710 align:start position:0% >> And that was where the wounding was in me.<00:34:51.119> And<00:34:51.280> the<00:34:51.520> wounding<00:34:51.839> was<00:34:52.000> also<00:34:52.240> the<00:34:52.480> great 00:34:52.710 --> 00:34:52.720 align:start position:0% me. And the wounding was also the great 00:34:52.720 --> 00:34:54.790 align:start position:0% me. And the wounding was also the great disorientation<00:34:53.440> of<00:34:53.679> like,<00:34:54.000> wait,<00:34:54.320> who<00:34:54.560> was 00:34:54.790 --> 00:34:54.800 align:start position:0% disorientation of like, wait, who was 00:34:54.800 --> 00:34:59.589 align:start position:0% disorientation of like, wait, who was this<00:34:55.040> person?<00:34:56.079> Like<00:34:56.960> was<00:34:57.280> she<00:34:58.560> was<00:34:59.119> like<00:34:59.440> was 00:34:59.589 --> 00:34:59.599 align:start position:0% this person? Like was she was like was 00:34:59.599 --> 00:35:02.069 align:start position:0% this person? Like was she was like was she<00:34:59.839> this<00:35:00.079> really<00:35:00.400> strong,<00:35:00.880> fierce, 00:35:02.069 --> 00:35:02.079 align:start position:0% she this really strong, fierce, 00:35:02.079 --> 00:35:06.470 align:start position:0% she this really strong, fierce, powerful,<00:35:03.359> loving,<00:35:04.480> protective 00:35:06.470 --> 00:35:06.480 align:start position:0% powerful, loving, protective 00:35:06.480 --> 00:35:09.670 align:start position:0% powerful, loving, protective kind<00:35:06.720> of<00:35:07.040> dragon<00:35:07.920> like<00:35:08.160> or<00:35:08.480> was<00:35:08.720> she<00:35:09.200> this 00:35:09.670 --> 00:35:09.680 align:start position:0% kind of dragon like or was she this 00:35:09.680 --> 00:35:11.109 align:start position:0% kind of dragon like or was she this degraded 00:35:11.109 --> 00:35:11.119 align:start position:0% degraded 00:35:11.119 --> 00:35:14.230 align:start position:0% degraded >> using<00:35:11.680> manipulative<00:35:12.560> lying<00:35:13.119> junkie? 00:35:14.230 --> 00:35:14.240 align:start position:0% >> using manipulative lying junkie? 00:35:14.240 --> 00:35:17.190 align:start position:0% >> using manipulative lying junkie? >> And<00:35:14.560> the<00:35:14.880> answer<00:35:15.119> was<00:35:15.359> yes, 00:35:17.190 --> 00:35:17.200 align:start position:0% >> And the answer was yes, 00:35:17.200 --> 00:35:19.430 align:start position:0% >> And the answer was yes, >> you<00:35:17.359> know,<00:35:17.599> and<00:35:17.839> I<00:35:18.000> don't<00:35:18.160> like<00:35:18.400> that<00:35:18.640> answer 00:35:19.430 --> 00:35:19.440 align:start position:0% >> you know, and I don't like that answer 00:35:19.440 --> 00:35:22.390 align:start position:0% >> you know, and I don't like that answer because<00:35:19.920> I<00:35:20.960> want<00:35:21.200> a<00:35:21.359> black<00:35:21.520> and<00:35:21.760> white<00:35:21.920> answer. 00:35:22.390 --> 00:35:22.400 align:start position:0% because I want a black and white answer. 00:35:22.400 --> 00:35:25.589 align:start position:0% because I want a black and white answer. Yeah.<00:35:22.800> And<00:35:23.680> there<00:35:23.920> isn't<00:35:24.240> one,<00:35:24.960> you<00:35:25.119> know,<00:35:25.280> and 00:35:25.589 --> 00:35:25.599 align:start position:0% Yeah. And there isn't one, you know, and 00:35:25.599 --> 00:35:29.109 align:start position:0% Yeah. And there isn't one, you know, and and<00:35:26.000> also<00:35:26.320> like<00:35:26.640> who<00:35:26.880> am<00:35:27.040> I?<00:35:27.839> Am<00:35:28.000> I<00:35:28.240> this<00:35:28.560> good, 00:35:29.109 --> 00:35:29.119 align:start position:0% and also like who am I? Am I this good, 00:35:29.119 --> 00:35:30.630 align:start position:0% and also like who am I? Am I this good, loving, 00:35:30.630 --> 00:35:30.640 align:start position:0% loving, 00:35:30.640 --> 00:35:32.310 align:start position:0% loving, generous, 00:35:32.310 --> 00:35:32.320 align:start position:0% generous, 00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:34.870 align:start position:0% generous, helpful,<00:35:33.200> encouraging, 00:35:34.870 --> 00:35:34.880 align:start position:0% helpful, encouraging, 00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:37.910 align:start position:0% helpful, encouraging, peaceful,<00:35:36.000> god-loving, 00:35:37.910 --> 00:35:37.920 align:start position:0% peaceful, god-loving, 00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:42.790 align:start position:0% peaceful, god-loving, yogic,<00:35:39.200> creative<00:35:40.000> muse?<00:35:41.040> or<00:35:41.359> am<00:35:41.520> I<00:35:41.839> this<00:35:42.160> like 00:35:42.790 --> 00:35:42.800 align:start position:0% yogic, creative muse? or am I this like 00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:45.270 align:start position:0% yogic, creative muse? or am I this like deeply<00:35:43.359> manipulative 00:35:45.270 --> 00:35:45.280 align:start position:0% deeply manipulative 00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:48.390 align:start position:0% deeply manipulative um<00:35:46.000> like<00:35:46.480> controlling 00:35:48.390 --> 00:35:48.400 align:start position:0% um like controlling 00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:52.710 align:start position:0% um like controlling uh<00:35:49.599> clingy,<00:35:50.640> needy,<00:35:51.520> desperate<00:35:52.079> love<00:35:52.320> addict. 00:35:52.710 --> 00:35:52.720 align:start position:0% uh clingy, needy, desperate love addict. 00:35:52.720 --> 00:35:54.630 align:start position:0% uh clingy, needy, desperate love addict. And<00:35:52.880> the<00:35:53.119> answer<00:35:53.280> is<00:35:53.440> yes. 00:35:54.630 --> 00:35:54.640 align:start position:0% And the answer is yes. 00:35:54.640 --> 00:35:57.270 align:start position:0% And the answer is yes. >> Um<00:35:55.200> and<00:35:55.440> I<00:35:55.680> don't<00:35:55.760> like<00:35:55.920> that<00:35:56.079> answer<00:35:56.400> either, 00:35:57.270 --> 00:35:57.280 align:start position:0% >> Um and I don't like that answer either, 00:35:57.280 --> 00:35:59.670 align:start position:0% >> Um and I don't like that answer either, you<00:35:57.440> know,<00:35:57.839> because<00:35:58.400> the<00:35:58.720> thing<00:35:59.040> that<00:35:59.359> I<00:35:59.520> don't 00:35:59.670 --> 00:35:59.680 align:start position:0% you know, because the thing that I don't 00:35:59.680 --> 00:36:01.430 align:start position:0% you know, because the thing that I don't want<00:35:59.760> to<00:35:59.920> be<00:36:00.079> is<00:36:00.240> human<00:36:00.720> and<00:36:00.960> the<00:36:01.119> thing<00:36:01.200> I 00:36:01.430 --> 00:36:01.440 align:start position:0% want to be is human and the thing I 00:36:01.440 --> 00:36:04.150 align:start position:0% want to be is human and the thing I don't<00:36:01.520> want<00:36:01.680> anybody<00:36:02.079> else<00:36:02.160> to<00:36:02.320> be<00:36:02.480> is<00:36:02.720> human. 00:36:04.150 --> 00:36:04.160 align:start position:0% don't want anybody else to be is human. 00:36:04.160 --> 00:36:05.349 align:start position:0% don't want anybody else to be is human. >> And<00:36:04.400> yet<00:36:04.640> here<00:36:04.800> we<00:36:04.960> are. 00:36:05.349 --> 00:36:05.359 align:start position:0% >> And yet here we are. 00:36:05.359 --> 00:36:07.190 align:start position:0% >> And yet here we are. >> We<00:36:05.839> are<00:36:06.160> burping<00:36:06.560> into<00:36:06.800> the<00:36:06.880> mic. 00:36:07.190 --> 00:36:07.200 align:start position:0% >> We are burping into the mic. 00:36:07.200 --> 00:36:09.109 align:start position:0% >> We are burping into the mic. >> Here<00:36:07.280> we<00:36:07.440> are<00:36:07.599> burping<00:36:08.000> into<00:36:08.240> the<00:36:08.320> mic.<00:36:08.800> I<00:36:08.960> want 00:36:09.109 --> 00:36:09.119 align:start position:0% >> Here we are burping into the mic. I want 00:36:09.119 --> 00:36:10.310 align:start position:0% >> Here we are burping into the mic. I want to<00:36:09.200> burp<00:36:09.440> so<00:36:09.599> you<00:36:09.680> know<00:36:09.760> you're<00:36:09.920> not<00:36:10.000> alone<00:36:10.160> in 00:36:10.310 --> 00:36:10.320 align:start position:0% to burp so you know you're not alone in 00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:11.750 align:start position:0% to burp so you know you're not alone in the<00:36:10.400> burp.<00:36:10.960> I'm<00:36:11.119> going<00:36:11.119> to<00:36:11.200> do<00:36:11.280> it<00:36:11.440> just<00:36:11.599> so 00:36:11.750 --> 00:36:11.760 align:start position:0% the burp. I'm going to do it just so 00:36:11.760 --> 00:36:13.030 align:start position:0% the burp. I'm going to do it just so you're<00:36:11.920> comfortable.<00:36:12.240> Just<00:36:12.400> so<00:36:12.560> you<00:36:12.720> feel 00:36:13.030 --> 00:36:13.040 align:start position:0% you're comfortable. Just so you feel 00:36:13.040 --> 00:36:14.630 align:start position:0% you're comfortable. Just so you feel like<00:36:13.119> you're<00:36:13.280> not<00:36:13.599> alone.<00:36:14.000> I<00:36:14.079> will<00:36:14.240> be<00:36:14.320> with 00:36:14.630 --> 00:36:14.640 align:start position:0% like you're not alone. I will be with 00:36:14.640 --> 00:36:17.349 align:start position:0% like you're not alone. I will be with you.<00:36:15.119> I<00:36:15.280> need<00:36:15.359> to<00:36:15.520> work<00:36:15.599> on<00:36:15.920> maybe. 00:36:17.349 --> 00:36:17.359 align:start position:0% you. I need to work on maybe. 00:36:17.359 --> 00:36:19.589 align:start position:0% you. I need to work on maybe. >> I<00:36:17.599> mean<00:36:18.000> it<00:36:18.240> it<00:36:18.400> is<00:36:18.640> it<00:36:18.800> is<00:36:18.960> also<00:36:19.200> true,<00:36:19.520> you 00:36:19.589 --> 00:36:19.599 align:start position:0% >> I mean it it is it is also true, you 00:36:19.599 --> 00:36:20.870 align:start position:0% >> I mean it it is it is also true, you know,<00:36:19.760> and<00:36:19.920> I<00:36:20.079> appreciate<00:36:20.320> this<00:36:20.560> about<00:36:20.720> the 00:36:20.870 --> 00:36:20.880 align:start position:0% know, and I appreciate this about the 00:36:20.880 --> 00:36:22.870 align:start position:0% know, and I appreciate this about the book.<00:36:21.040> It's<00:36:21.280> not<00:36:21.440> like<00:36:22.000> Rehea<00:36:22.400> passes<00:36:22.720> and 00:36:22.870 --> 00:36:22.880 align:start position:0% book. It's not like Rehea passes and 00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:23.670 align:start position:0% book. It's not like Rehea passes and then 00:36:23.670 --> 00:36:23.680 align:start position:0% then 00:36:23.680 --> 00:36:25.829 align:start position:0% then >> you<00:36:24.000> figure<00:36:24.240> out<00:36:24.720> you're<00:36:24.960> in<00:36:25.119> recovery,<00:36:25.760> you 00:36:25.829 --> 00:36:25.839 align:start position:0% >> you figure out you're in recovery, you 00:36:25.839 --> 00:36:27.349 align:start position:0% >> you figure out you're in recovery, you know,<00:36:26.000> and<00:36:26.079> you're<00:36:26.320> sober.<00:36:26.720> It<00:36:26.880> took<00:36:27.040> a<00:36:27.119> very 00:36:27.349 --> 00:36:27.359 align:start position:0% know, and you're sober. It took a very 00:36:27.359 --> 00:36:29.349 align:start position:0% know, and you're sober. It took a very long<00:36:27.760> stopped<00:36:28.079> going<00:36:28.240> to<00:36:28.400> recovery<00:36:28.800> after<00:36:28.960> Rya 00:36:29.349 --> 00:36:29.359 align:start position:0% long stopped going to recovery after Rya 00:36:29.359 --> 00:36:31.349 align:start position:0% long stopped going to recovery after Rya passed.<00:36:29.680> So<00:36:29.839> I<00:36:30.000> went<00:36:30.160> for<00:36:30.320> a<00:36:30.480> while<00:36:30.800> to<00:36:31.119> some 00:36:31.349 --> 00:36:31.359 align:start position:0% passed. So I went for a while to some 00:36:31.359 --> 00:36:33.510 align:start position:0% passed. So I went for a while to some 12step<00:36:31.839> rooms.<00:36:32.240> But<00:36:32.320> when<00:36:32.560> she<00:36:32.800> got<00:36:33.200> I<00:36:33.359> mean 00:36:33.510 --> 00:36:33.520 align:start position:0% 12step rooms. But when she got I mean 00:36:33.520 --> 00:36:35.670 align:start position:0% 12step rooms. But when she got I mean and<00:36:33.680> here's<00:36:33.920> my<00:36:34.079> codependency.<00:36:34.960> when<00:36:35.280> she<00:36:35.440> got 00:36:35.670 --> 00:36:35.680 align:start position:0% and here's my codependency. when she got 00:36:35.680 --> 00:36:37.030 align:start position:0% and here's my codependency. when she got well,<00:36:36.240> meaning 00:36:37.030 --> 00:36:37.040 align:start position:0% well, meaning 00:36:37.040 --> 00:36:37.829 align:start position:0% well, meaning >> sober 00:36:37.829 --> 00:36:37.839 align:start position:0% >> sober 00:36:37.839 --> 00:36:41.910 align:start position:0% >> sober >> sober<00:36:38.720> enough<00:36:39.520> to<00:36:39.760> be<00:36:39.920> herself<00:36:40.400> again, 00:36:41.910 --> 00:36:41.920 align:start position:0% >> sober enough to be herself again, 00:36:41.920 --> 00:36:43.190 align:start position:0% >> sober enough to be herself again, then<00:36:42.160> I'm<00:36:42.320> like,<00:36:42.480> well,<00:36:42.640> I<00:36:42.800> don't<00:36:42.960> need<00:36:43.040> to<00:36:43.119> go 00:36:43.190 --> 00:36:43.200 align:start position:0% then I'm like, well, I don't need to go 00:36:43.200 --> 00:36:44.950 align:start position:0% then I'm like, well, I don't need to go to<00:36:43.359> any<00:36:43.520> 12step<00:36:44.000> rooms<00:36:44.320> because<00:36:44.560> the<00:36:44.800> person 00:36:44.950 --> 00:36:44.960 align:start position:0% to any 12step rooms because the person 00:36:44.960 --> 00:36:46.630 align:start position:0% to any 12step rooms because the person who<00:36:45.200> was<00:36:45.359> the<00:36:45.599> problem<00:36:45.760> in<00:36:46.000> my<00:36:46.160> life<00:36:46.240> is<00:36:46.480> no 00:36:46.630 --> 00:36:46.640 align:start position:0% who was the problem in my life is no 00:36:46.640 --> 00:36:47.270 align:start position:0% who was the problem in my life is no longer<00:36:46.800> a<00:36:46.960> problem. 00:36:47.270 --> 00:36:47.280 align:start position:0% longer a problem. 00:36:47.280 --> 00:36:48.550 align:start position:0% longer a problem. >> That's<00:36:47.440> sort<00:36:47.599> of<00:36:47.680> what<00:36:47.760> I<00:36:47.920> mean<00:36:48.000> by<00:36:48.160> like<00:36:48.320> your 00:36:48.550 --> 00:36:48.560 align:start position:0% >> That's sort of what I mean by like your 00:36:48.560 --> 00:36:50.069 align:start position:0% >> That's sort of what I mean by like your god<00:36:48.800> dying,<00:36:49.040> but<00:36:49.280> it<00:36:49.440> Yeah,<00:36:49.680> but<00:36:49.839> that's<00:36:50.000> not 00:36:50.069 --> 00:36:50.079 align:start position:0% god dying, but it Yeah, but that's not 00:36:50.079 --> 00:36:50.950 align:start position:0% god dying, but it Yeah, but that's not how<00:36:50.240> it<00:36:50.320> works. 00:36:50.950 --> 00:36:50.960 align:start position:0% how it works. 00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:52.950 align:start position:0% how it works. >> Not<00:36:51.119> even<00:36:51.280> a<00:36:51.440> little<00:36:51.839> like<00:36:52.160> I<00:36:52.400> am<00:36:52.560> my<00:36:52.800> own 00:36:52.950 --> 00:36:52.960 align:start position:0% >> Not even a little like I am my own 00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:53.510 align:start position:0% >> Not even a little like I am my own problem. 00:36:53.510 --> 00:36:53.520 align:start position:0% problem. 00:36:53.520 --> 00:36:53.910 align:start position:0% problem. >> Yeah. 00:36:53.910 --> 00:36:53.920 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:36:53.920 --> 00:36:56.150 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> Like<00:36:54.079> I<00:36:54.320> am<00:36:54.480> the<00:36:54.640> consistent<00:36:55.119> problem<00:36:55.440> through 00:36:56.150 --> 00:36:56.160 align:start position:0% >> Like I am the consistent problem through 00:36:56.160 --> 00:36:58.390 align:start position:0% >> Like I am the consistent problem through my<00:36:56.480> 35<00:36:57.040> year<00:36:57.359> uninterrupted<00:36:58.000> run<00:36:58.240> of 00:36:58.390 --> 00:36:58.400 align:start position:0% my 35 year uninterrupted run of 00:36:58.400 --> 00:36:59.750 align:start position:0% my 35 year uninterrupted run of relationships<00:36:58.960> where<00:36:59.119> I<00:36:59.280> was<00:36:59.440> constantly 00:36:59.750 --> 00:36:59.760 align:start position:0% relationships where I was constantly 00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:01.670 align:start position:0% relationships where I was constantly trying<00:37:00.000> to<00:37:00.320> find<00:37:00.560> somebody<00:37:00.800> who<00:37:01.200> I'm<00:37:01.440> the 00:37:01.670 --> 00:37:01.680 align:start position:0% trying to find somebody who I'm the 00:37:01.680 --> 00:37:04.069 align:start position:0% trying to find somebody who I'm the problem<00:37:01.920> here,<00:37:02.640> right?<00:37:03.119> So,<00:37:03.440> I<00:37:03.680> wasn't 00:37:04.069 --> 00:37:04.079 align:start position:0% problem here, right? So, I wasn't 00:37:04.079 --> 00:37:07.270 align:start position:0% problem here, right? So, I wasn't dealing<00:37:04.320> with<00:37:04.560> that<00:37:05.280> and<00:37:06.320> and<00:37:06.640> I<00:37:06.880> had<00:37:06.960> to<00:37:07.119> go 00:37:07.270 --> 00:37:07.280 align:start position:0% dealing with that and and I had to go 00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:09.910 align:start position:0% dealing with that and and I had to go out<00:37:07.440> and<00:37:08.240> do<00:37:08.480> all<00:37:08.640> the<00:37:08.880> things<00:37:09.040> I<00:37:09.280> do,<00:37:09.760> you 00:37:09.910 --> 00:37:09.920 align:start position:0% out and do all the things I do, you 00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:11.510 align:start position:0% out and do all the things I do, you know,<00:37:10.160> like,<00:37:10.800> well,<00:37:10.960> I'm<00:37:11.200> going<00:37:11.280> to<00:37:11.359> feel 00:37:11.510 --> 00:37:11.520 align:start position:0% know, like, well, I'm going to feel 00:37:11.520 --> 00:37:13.030 align:start position:0% know, like, well, I'm going to feel better<00:37:11.680> by<00:37:11.920> overachieving.<00:37:12.560> I'll<00:37:12.800> write<00:37:12.880> a 00:37:13.030 --> 00:37:13.040 align:start position:0% better by overachieving. I'll write a 00:37:13.040 --> 00:37:14.710 align:start position:0% better by overachieving. I'll write a novel<00:37:13.280> in<00:37:13.520> 3<00:37:13.680> months.<00:37:14.160> Like,<00:37:14.320> I'm<00:37:14.560> going<00:37:14.640> to 00:37:14.710 --> 00:37:14.720 align:start position:0% novel in 3 months. Like, I'm going to 00:37:14.720 --> 00:37:16.310 align:start position:0% novel in 3 months. Like, I'm going to feel<00:37:14.960> better<00:37:15.200> by<00:37:15.520> traveling.<00:37:16.000> I'm<00:37:16.160> going<00:37:16.240> to 00:37:16.310 --> 00:37:16.320 align:start position:0% feel better by traveling. I'm going to 00:37:16.320 --> 00:37:18.390 align:start position:0% feel better by traveling. I'm going to go<00:37:16.400> to<00:37:16.560> India.<00:37:17.440> I'm<00:37:17.680> going<00:37:17.760> to<00:37:17.839> feel<00:37:18.000> better<00:37:18.240> by 00:37:18.390 --> 00:37:18.400 align:start position:0% go to India. I'm going to feel better by 00:37:18.400 --> 00:37:19.829 align:start position:0% go to India. I'm going to feel better by falling<00:37:18.640> in<00:37:18.800> love<00:37:18.960> with<00:37:19.119> somebody<00:37:19.440> else. 00:37:19.829 --> 00:37:19.839 align:start position:0% falling in love with somebody else. 00:37:19.839 --> 00:37:22.310 align:start position:0% falling in love with somebody else. That's<00:37:20.240> like,<00:37:21.040> I'm<00:37:21.280> going<00:37:21.359> to<00:37:21.520> impale<00:37:22.000> myself 00:37:22.310 --> 00:37:22.320 align:start position:0% That's like, I'm going to impale myself 00:37:22.320 --> 00:37:24.870 align:start position:0% That's like, I'm going to impale myself on<00:37:22.640> someone.<00:37:23.200> And<00:37:23.839> who<00:37:24.160> who<00:37:24.400> would<00:37:24.560> like<00:37:24.720> to 00:37:24.870 --> 00:37:24.880 align:start position:0% on someone. And who who would like to 00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:27.430 align:start position:0% on someone. And who who would like to volunteer<00:37:25.280> to<00:37:25.440> be<00:37:26.320> myself<00:37:26.640> the<00:37:26.800> next<00:37:27.040> person 00:37:27.430 --> 00:37:27.440 align:start position:0% volunteer to be myself the next person 00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:29.270 align:start position:0% volunteer to be myself the next person that<00:37:27.680> I<00:37:27.920> take<00:37:28.079> hostage<00:37:28.480> with<00:37:28.720> my<00:37:28.880> loving 00:37:29.270 --> 00:37:29.280 align:start position:0% that I take hostage with my loving 00:37:29.280 --> 00:37:31.510 align:start position:0% that I take hostage with my loving generosity<00:37:29.920> and<00:37:30.160> kindness,<00:37:31.119> you<00:37:31.200> know,<00:37:31.359> like 00:37:31.510 --> 00:37:31.520 align:start position:0% generosity and kindness, you know, like 00:37:31.520 --> 00:37:32.950 align:start position:0% generosity and kindness, you know, like who<00:37:31.680> would<00:37:31.839> be<00:37:32.000> like<00:37:32.079> to<00:37:32.240> be<00:37:32.400> volunteer<00:37:32.720> to<00:37:32.880> be 00:37:32.950 --> 00:37:32.960 align:start position:0% who would be like to be volunteer to be 00:37:32.960 --> 00:37:34.390 align:start position:0% who would be like to be volunteer to be the<00:37:33.119> next<00:37:33.280> person<00:37:33.440> who<00:37:33.680> I<00:37:33.839> try<00:37:33.920> to<00:37:34.079> control 00:37:34.390 --> 00:37:34.400 align:start position:0% the next person who I try to control 00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:36.310 align:start position:0% the next person who I try to control into<00:37:34.720> submission<00:37:35.359> so<00:37:35.520> that<00:37:35.760> you<00:37:35.920> will<00:37:36.079> then 00:37:36.310 --> 00:37:36.320 align:start position:0% into submission so that you will then 00:37:36.320 --> 00:37:38.790 align:start position:0% into submission so that you will then give<00:37:36.480> me<00:37:36.640> lava,<00:37:37.119> right?<00:37:37.359> Like<00:37:37.599> so<00:37:38.240> I<00:37:38.480> did<00:37:38.640> all 00:37:38.790 --> 00:37:38.800 align:start position:0% give me lava, right? Like so I did all 00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:40.390 align:start position:0% give me lava, right? Like so I did all those<00:37:39.040> things<00:37:39.200> again<00:37:39.440> that<00:37:39.680> I've<00:37:39.920> always<00:37:40.079> done 00:37:40.390 --> 00:37:40.400 align:start position:0% those things again that I've always done 00:37:40.400 --> 00:37:43.190 align:start position:0% those things again that I've always done and<00:37:40.720> all<00:37:40.960> of<00:37:41.119> those<00:37:41.280> things<00:37:41.839> didn't<00:37:42.160> work<00:37:42.960> and 00:37:43.190 --> 00:37:43.200 align:start position:0% and all of those things didn't work and 00:37:43.200 --> 00:37:45.670 align:start position:0% and all of those things didn't work and I<00:37:43.440> bottomed<00:37:43.839> out<00:37:44.000> again<00:37:44.240> and<00:37:44.480> it<00:37:44.720> was<00:37:44.880> only 00:37:45.670 --> 00:37:45.680 align:start position:0% I bottomed out again and it was only 00:37:45.680 --> 00:37:47.030 align:start position:0% I bottomed out again and it was only then 00:37:47.030 --> 00:37:47.040 align:start position:0% then 00:37:47.040 --> 00:37:49.190 align:start position:0% then >> where<00:37:47.280> I<00:37:47.359> was<00:37:47.440> like,<00:37:47.599> "Oh,<00:37:47.920> here<00:37:48.079> we<00:37:48.320> are<00:37:49.040> back 00:37:49.190 --> 00:37:49.200 align:start position:0% >> where I was like, "Oh, here we are back 00:37:49.200 --> 00:37:51.030 align:start position:0% >> where I was like, "Oh, here we are back on<00:37:49.359> the<00:37:49.520> bathroom<00:37:49.839> floor<00:37:50.000> in<00:37:50.240> tears.<00:37:50.720> Here<00:37:50.880> we 00:37:51.030 --> 00:37:51.040 align:start position:0% on the bathroom floor in tears. Here we 00:37:51.040 --> 00:37:52.870 align:start position:0% on the bathroom floor in tears. Here we are<00:37:51.280> back."<00:37:51.440> Like,<00:37:51.839> and<00:37:52.000> there<00:37:52.320> gets<00:37:52.480> to<00:37:52.640> be<00:37:52.720> a 00:37:52.870 --> 00:37:52.880 align:start position:0% are back." Like, and there gets to be a 00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:55.030 align:start position:0% are back." Like, and there gets to be a weariness,<00:37:54.240> you<00:37:54.320> know<00:37:54.400> what<00:37:54.480> I<00:37:54.640> mean?<00:37:54.800> Like, 00:37:55.030 --> 00:37:55.040 align:start position:0% weariness, you know what I mean? Like, 00:37:55.040 --> 00:37:56.710 align:start position:0% weariness, you know what I mean? Like, even<00:37:55.280> for<00:37:55.520> my<00:37:55.680> readers,<00:37:56.000> it's<00:37:56.240> like,<00:37:56.400> do<00:37:56.560> we 00:37:56.710 --> 00:37:56.720 align:start position:0% even for my readers, it's like, do we 00:37:56.720 --> 00:37:57.990 align:start position:0% even for my readers, it's like, do we really<00:37:56.880> want<00:37:56.960> to<00:37:57.040> see<00:37:57.200> Liz<00:37:57.440> on<00:37:57.599> the<00:37:57.680> bathroom 00:37:57.990 --> 00:37:58.000 align:start position:0% really want to see Liz on the bathroom 00:37:58.000 --> 00:37:59.030 align:start position:0% really want to see Liz on the bathroom floor<00:37:58.160> in<00:37:58.320> tears<00:37:58.560> again?<00:37:58.880> Like, 00:37:59.030 --> 00:37:59.040 align:start position:0% floor in tears again? Like, 00:37:59.040 --> 00:38:00.150 align:start position:0% floor in tears again? Like, >> I'm<00:37:59.119> like,<00:37:59.280> I'm<00:37:59.440> there<00:37:59.520> with<00:37:59.680> you,<00:37:59.839> girl. 00:38:00.150 --> 00:38:00.160 align:start position:0% >> I'm like, I'm there with you, girl. 00:38:00.160 --> 00:38:02.390 align:start position:0% >> I'm like, I'm there with you, girl. >> You<00:38:00.240> know,<00:38:00.320> like,<00:38:00.560> and<00:38:00.720> and<00:38:01.760> you<00:38:01.839> know,<00:38:02.000> we<00:38:02.240> get 00:38:02.390 --> 00:38:02.400 align:start position:0% >> You know, like, and and you know, we get 00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:04.470 align:start position:0% >> You know, like, and and you know, we get tired<00:38:02.640> of<00:38:02.880> ourselves.<00:38:03.599> And<00:38:03.839> that's<00:38:04.079> I<00:38:04.320> think 00:38:04.470 --> 00:38:04.480 align:start position:0% tired of ourselves. And that's I think 00:38:04.480 --> 00:38:06.470 align:start position:0% tired of ourselves. And that's I think what<00:38:04.720> often<00:38:05.040> leads<00:38:05.280> us<00:38:05.440> to<00:38:05.599> healing<00:38:06.000> is<00:38:06.240> just 00:38:06.470 --> 00:38:06.480 align:start position:0% what often leads us to healing is just 00:38:06.480 --> 00:38:09.190 align:start position:0% what often leads us to healing is just like,<00:38:06.960> I<00:38:07.280> can't<00:38:07.599> even<00:38:08.000> stand<00:38:08.480> this<00:38:08.880> story 00:38:09.190 --> 00:38:09.200 align:start position:0% like, I can't even stand this story 00:38:09.200 --> 00:38:11.589 align:start position:0% like, I can't even stand this story anymore.<00:38:09.920> You<00:38:10.079> know,<00:38:10.240> you<00:38:10.480> write<00:38:10.720> about<00:38:11.280> your 00:38:11.589 --> 00:38:11.599 align:start position:0% anymore. You know, you write about your 00:38:11.599 --> 00:38:14.310 align:start position:0% anymore. You know, you write about your sober<00:38:12.880> life<00:38:13.119> now<00:38:13.440> going<00:38:13.599> on<00:38:13.760> how<00:38:14.000> many<00:38:14.160> years 00:38:14.310 --> 00:38:14.320 align:start position:0% sober life now going on how many years 00:38:14.320 --> 00:38:15.510 align:start position:0% sober life now going on how many years of<00:38:14.720> sobriety? 00:38:15.510 --> 00:38:15.520 align:start position:0% of sobriety? 00:38:15.520 --> 00:38:16.230 align:start position:0% of sobriety? >> Six<00:38:15.680> years. 00:38:16.230 --> 00:38:16.240 align:start position:0% >> Six years. 00:38:16.240 --> 00:38:17.030 align:start position:0% >> Six years. >> Six<00:38:16.560> years. 00:38:17.030 --> 00:38:17.040 align:start position:0% >> Six years. 00:38:17.040 --> 00:38:18.230 align:start position:0% >> Six years. >> Yeah. 00:38:18.230 --> 00:38:18.240 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:38:18.240 --> 00:38:20.230 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> What<00:38:18.480> does<00:38:18.640> that<00:38:18.960> look<00:38:19.119> like<00:38:19.520> for<00:38:19.760> you<00:38:19.920> now? 00:38:20.230 --> 00:38:20.240 align:start position:0% >> What does that look like for you now? 00:38:20.240 --> 00:38:21.750 align:start position:0% >> What does that look like for you now? Yeah.<00:38:20.560> What<00:38:20.720> does<00:38:20.880> sober<00:38:21.200> life<00:38:21.359> look<00:38:21.520> like<00:38:21.680> for 00:38:21.750 --> 00:38:21.760 align:start position:0% Yeah. What does sober life look like for 00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:21.990 align:start position:0% Yeah. What does sober life look like for you? 00:38:21.990 --> 00:38:22.000 align:start position:0% you? 00:38:22.000 --> 00:38:24.150 align:start position:0% you? >> So<00:38:22.160> for<00:38:22.320> me,<00:38:22.560> and<00:38:22.800> it's<00:38:22.960> and<00:38:23.200> it's<00:38:23.599> a<00:38:23.760> sober 00:38:24.150 --> 00:38:24.160 align:start position:0% >> So for me, and it's and it's a sober 00:38:24.160 --> 00:38:25.829 align:start position:0% >> So for me, and it's and it's a sober sobriety<00:38:24.720> looks<00:38:24.960> differently<00:38:25.280> for<00:38:25.520> different 00:38:25.829 --> 00:38:25.839 align:start position:0% sobriety looks differently for different 00:38:25.839 --> 00:38:27.190 align:start position:0% sobriety looks differently for different people<00:38:26.000> who<00:38:26.240> are<00:38:26.320> in<00:38:26.480> the<00:38:26.640> programs<00:38:26.880> that<00:38:26.960> I<00:38:27.119> go 00:38:27.190 --> 00:38:27.200 align:start position:0% people who are in the programs that I go 00:38:27.200 --> 00:38:28.950 align:start position:0% people who are in the programs that I go to.<00:38:27.440> But<00:38:27.680> sobriety<00:38:28.160> is<00:38:28.320> any<00:38:28.480> day<00:38:28.640> where<00:38:28.800> I'm 00:38:28.950 --> 00:38:28.960 align:start position:0% to. But sobriety is any day where I'm 00:38:28.960 --> 00:38:30.790 align:start position:0% to. But sobriety is any day where I'm not<00:38:29.119> using<00:38:29.440> someone. 00:38:30.790 --> 00:38:30.800 align:start position:0% not using someone. 00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:32.790 align:start position:0% not using someone. >> And<00:38:31.040> that<00:38:31.280> doesn't<00:38:31.599> just<00:38:31.760> have<00:38:31.920> to<00:38:32.079> be<00:38:32.240> a<00:38:32.480> lover 00:38:32.790 --> 00:38:32.800 align:start position:0% >> And that doesn't just have to be a lover 00:38:32.800 --> 00:38:34.870 align:start position:0% >> And that doesn't just have to be a lover or<00:38:32.960> partner.<00:38:33.359> Like<00:38:33.520> that's<00:38:33.760> anybody.<00:38:34.320> And 00:38:34.870 --> 00:38:34.880 align:start position:0% or partner. Like that's anybody. And 00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:37.589 align:start position:0% or partner. Like that's anybody. And using<00:38:35.599> somebody<00:38:36.079> to<00:38:36.400> change<00:38:36.800> my<00:38:37.119> internal 00:38:37.589 --> 00:38:37.599 align:start position:0% using somebody to change my internal 00:38:37.599 --> 00:38:40.710 align:start position:0% using somebody to change my internal chemistry.<00:38:38.960> So<00:38:39.599> I<00:38:39.920> don't<00:38:40.079> like<00:38:40.240> the<00:38:40.400> way<00:38:40.480> I'm 00:38:40.710 --> 00:38:40.720 align:start position:0% chemistry. So I don't like the way I'm 00:38:40.720 --> 00:38:43.349 align:start position:0% chemistry. So I don't like the way I'm feeling.<00:38:41.280> I'm<00:38:41.520> uncomfortable<00:38:42.000> in<00:38:42.240> the<00:38:42.400> world. 00:38:43.349 --> 00:38:43.359 align:start position:0% feeling. I'm uncomfortable in the world. 00:38:43.359 --> 00:38:44.950 align:start position:0% feeling. I'm uncomfortable in the world. I'm<00:38:43.599> going<00:38:43.680> to<00:38:43.839> manipulate<00:38:44.240> a<00:38:44.480> reaction<00:38:44.800> out 00:38:44.950 --> 00:38:44.960 align:start position:0% I'm going to manipulate a reaction out 00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:46.870 align:start position:0% I'm going to manipulate a reaction out of<00:38:45.119> you<00:38:45.280> about<00:38:45.599> me<00:38:45.839> so<00:38:46.079> that<00:38:46.240> I<00:38:46.480> can<00:38:46.640> feel 00:38:46.870 --> 00:38:46.880 align:start position:0% of you about me so that I can feel 00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:47.990 align:start position:0% of you about me so that I can feel better. 00:38:47.990 --> 00:38:48.000 align:start position:0% better. 00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:49.829 align:start position:0% better. >> So<00:38:48.240> now<00:38:48.400> we<00:38:48.640> cut<00:38:48.800> the<00:38:48.960> middleman<00:38:49.440> out.<00:38:49.520> I<00:38:49.680> think 00:38:49.829 --> 00:38:49.839 align:start position:0% >> So now we cut the middleman out. I think 00:38:49.839 --> 00:38:51.750 align:start position:0% >> So now we cut the middleman out. I think I<00:38:50.000> do<00:38:50.160> that<00:38:50.480> a<00:38:50.720> little. 00:38:51.750 --> 00:38:51.760 align:start position:0% I do that a little. 00:38:51.760 --> 00:38:53.990 align:start position:0% I do that a little. >> Just<00:38:51.920> a<00:38:52.079> tiny<00:38:52.400> bit,<00:38:52.960> right?<00:38:53.280> Or<00:38:53.440> so<00:38:53.599> it's<00:38:53.839> like 00:38:53.990 --> 00:38:54.000 align:start position:0% >> Just a tiny bit, right? Or so it's like 00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:55.910 align:start position:0% >> Just a tiny bit, right? Or so it's like this<00:38:54.160> is<00:38:54.320> I<00:38:54.560> know<00:38:54.720> what<00:38:54.880> I<00:38:54.960> do.<00:38:55.119> I<00:38:55.359> know<00:38:55.520> I<00:38:55.760> know 00:38:55.910 --> 00:38:55.920 align:start position:0% this is I know what I do. I know I know 00:38:55.920 --> 00:38:59.430 align:start position:0% this is I know what I do. I know I know my<00:38:56.160> [ __ ]<00:38:56.480> I<00:38:56.640> know<00:38:56.800> my<00:38:56.960> [ __ ]<00:38:57.839> Um<00:38:58.400> and<00:38:59.200> so 00:38:59.430 --> 00:38:59.440 align:start position:0% my [ __ ] I know my [ __ ] Um and so 00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:01.670 align:start position:0% my [ __ ] I know my [ __ ] Um and so any<00:38:59.680> day<00:38:59.839> where<00:39:00.079> I'm<00:39:00.320> not<00:39:00.560> doing<00:39:00.720> that<00:39:01.280> is<00:39:01.520> a 00:39:01.670 --> 00:39:01.680 align:start position:0% any day where I'm not doing that is a 00:39:01.680 --> 00:39:04.390 align:start position:0% any day where I'm not doing that is a sober<00:39:02.000> day,<00:39:03.040> where<00:39:03.280> I'm<00:39:03.520> not<00:39:03.680> intriguing<00:39:04.240> with 00:39:04.390 --> 00:39:04.400 align:start position:0% sober day, where I'm not intriguing with 00:39:04.400 --> 00:39:07.349 align:start position:0% sober day, where I'm not intriguing with anybody.<00:39:05.280> Um<00:39:05.520> and<00:39:05.760> intriguing<00:39:06.480> is<00:39:06.960> like 00:39:07.349 --> 00:39:07.359 align:start position:0% anybody. Um and intriguing is like 00:39:07.359 --> 00:39:10.950 align:start position:0% anybody. Um and intriguing is like planting<00:39:08.000> seeds<00:39:08.400> of<00:39:08.800> maybe,<00:39:10.000> right?<00:39:10.800> Where 00:39:10.950 --> 00:39:10.960 align:start position:0% planting seeds of maybe, right? Where 00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:12.950 align:start position:0% planting seeds of maybe, right? Where it's<00:39:11.119> like<00:39:11.440> I'm<00:39:11.599> going<00:39:11.680> to<00:39:11.839> just<00:39:12.240> keep<00:39:12.720> I'm 00:39:12.950 --> 00:39:12.960 align:start position:0% it's like I'm going to just keep I'm 00:39:12.960 --> 00:39:14.470 align:start position:0% it's like I'm going to just keep I'm going<00:39:13.119> to<00:39:13.200> keep<00:39:13.440> this<00:39:13.760> person<00:39:14.000> a<00:39:14.240> little<00:39:14.320> bit 00:39:14.470 --> 00:39:14.480 align:start position:0% going to keep this person a little bit 00:39:14.480 --> 00:39:15.829 align:start position:0% going to keep this person a little bit on<00:39:14.640> the<00:39:14.720> hook.<00:39:15.040> I'm<00:39:15.200> going<00:39:15.280> to<00:39:15.359> keep<00:39:15.599> this 00:39:15.829 --> 00:39:15.839 align:start position:0% on the hook. I'm going to keep this 00:39:15.839 --> 00:39:17.910 align:start position:0% on the hook. I'm going to keep this person<00:39:16.079> a<00:39:16.320> little<00:39:16.400> bit<00:39:16.480> on<00:39:16.640> the<00:39:16.800> hook. 00:39:17.910 --> 00:39:17.920 align:start position:0% person a little bit on the hook. 00:39:17.920 --> 00:39:20.310 align:start position:0% person a little bit on the hook. Yeah,<00:39:18.160> they're<00:39:18.560> married<00:39:19.040> now.<00:39:19.839> I'll<00:39:20.160> keep 00:39:20.310 --> 00:39:20.320 align:start position:0% Yeah, they're married now. I'll keep 00:39:20.320 --> 00:39:22.069 align:start position:0% Yeah, they're married now. I'll keep that<00:39:20.560> person<00:39:20.720> on<00:39:21.119> like<00:39:21.359> I'll<00:39:21.599> keep<00:39:21.760> that 00:39:22.069 --> 00:39:22.079 align:start position:0% that person on like I'll keep that 00:39:22.079 --> 00:39:24.470 align:start position:0% that person on like I'll keep that person<00:39:22.240> on<00:39:22.400> the<00:39:22.560> hook.<00:39:23.200> So<00:39:23.599> any<00:39:23.839> day<00:39:24.000> where<00:39:24.240> I'm 00:39:24.470 --> 00:39:24.480 align:start position:0% person on the hook. So any day where I'm 00:39:24.480 --> 00:39:27.510 align:start position:0% person on the hook. So any day where I'm not<00:39:24.960> flirting.<00:39:26.079> So<00:39:26.320> flirting<00:39:26.720> for<00:39:26.960> me<00:39:27.119> is<00:39:27.359> a 00:39:27.510 --> 00:39:27.520 align:start position:0% not flirting. So flirting for me is a 00:39:27.520 --> 00:39:30.069 align:start position:0% not flirting. So flirting for me is a bottom<00:39:27.760> line<00:39:27.920> behavior<00:39:28.800> because<00:39:29.680> flirting 00:39:30.069 --> 00:39:30.079 align:start position:0% bottom line behavior because flirting 00:39:30.079 --> 00:39:32.710 align:start position:0% bottom line behavior because flirting for<00:39:30.320> me<00:39:30.400> is<00:39:30.640> not<00:39:30.800> safe.<00:39:31.280> Um,<00:39:31.760> and 00:39:32.710 --> 00:39:32.720 align:start position:0% for me is not safe. Um, and 00:39:32.720 --> 00:39:35.349 align:start position:0% for me is not safe. Um, and >> and<00:39:33.280> other<00:39:33.520> people<00:39:33.760> can<00:39:33.920> flirt, 00:39:35.349 --> 00:39:35.359 align:start position:0% >> and other people can flirt, 00:39:35.359 --> 00:39:36.790 align:start position:0% >> and other people can flirt, >> you<00:39:35.440> know,<00:39:35.599> just<00:39:35.839> like<00:39:36.000> alcoholics<00:39:36.560> can't 00:39:36.790 --> 00:39:36.800 align:start position:0% >> you know, just like alcoholics can't 00:39:36.800 --> 00:39:37.510 align:start position:0% >> you know, just like alcoholics can't drink. 00:39:37.510 --> 00:39:37.520 align:start position:0% drink. 00:39:37.520 --> 00:39:38.870 align:start position:0% drink. >> I<00:39:37.760> can't<00:39:37.920> flirt, 00:39:38.870 --> 00:39:38.880 align:start position:0% >> I can't flirt, 00:39:38.880 --> 00:39:40.950 align:start position:0% >> I can't flirt, >> you<00:39:39.040> know,<00:39:39.200> like<00:39:39.920> how<00:39:40.000> do<00:39:40.079> you<00:39:40.400> stop? 00:39:40.950 --> 00:39:40.960 align:start position:0% >> you know, like how do you stop? 00:39:40.960 --> 00:39:43.670 align:start position:0% >> you know, like how do you stop? >> Flirting<00:39:41.520> is<00:39:42.000> I<00:39:42.320> catch<00:39:42.640> it 00:39:43.670 --> 00:39:43.680 align:start position:0% >> Flirting is I catch it 00:39:43.680 --> 00:39:45.990 align:start position:0% >> Flirting is I catch it >> and<00:39:43.839> I'm<00:39:44.000> like,<00:39:44.240> you're<00:39:44.480> doing<00:39:44.640> it 00:39:45.990 --> 00:39:46.000 align:start position:0% >> and I'm like, you're doing it 00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:48.630 align:start position:0% >> and I'm like, you're doing it >> and<00:39:46.240> then<00:39:46.400> I<00:39:47.200> leave<00:39:47.520> this<00:39:47.839> and<00:39:48.240> I<00:39:48.320> have<00:39:48.480> a 00:39:48.630 --> 00:39:48.640 align:start position:0% >> and then I leave this and I have a 00:39:48.640 --> 00:39:50.390 align:start position:0% >> and then I leave this and I have a friend<00:39:48.720> who's<00:39:48.960> a<00:39:49.119> drug<00:39:49.280> addict<00:39:49.520> who<00:39:49.680> was<00:39:49.839> at<00:39:50.000> a 00:39:50.390 --> 00:39:50.400 align:start position:0% friend who's a drug addict who was at a 00:39:50.400 --> 00:39:52.390 align:start position:0% friend who's a drug addict who was at a a<00:39:50.720> drug<00:39:50.880> addict<00:39:51.119> to<00:39:51.359> recovery<00:39:51.920> was<00:39:52.079> at<00:39:52.240> a 00:39:52.390 --> 00:39:52.400 align:start position:0% a drug addict to recovery was at a 00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:55.190 align:start position:0% a drug addict to recovery was at a nightclub<00:39:52.960> and<00:39:53.359> texted<00:39:53.920> her<00:39:54.400> sponsor<00:39:54.880> and 00:39:55.190 --> 00:39:55.200 align:start position:0% nightclub and texted her sponsor and 00:39:55.200 --> 00:39:57.430 align:start position:0% nightclub and texted her sponsor and said<00:39:55.359> like,<00:39:55.920> "I'm<00:39:56.320> having<00:39:56.560> so<00:39:56.800> much<00:39:56.960> fun,<00:39:57.200> but 00:39:57.430 --> 00:39:57.440 align:start position:0% said like, "I'm having so much fun, but 00:39:57.440 --> 00:39:59.109 align:start position:0% said like, "I'm having so much fun, but people<00:39:57.680> are<00:39:57.839> doing<00:39:58.079> ecstasy." 00:39:59.109 --> 00:39:59.119 align:start position:0% people are doing ecstasy." 00:39:59.119 --> 00:40:01.510 align:start position:0% people are doing ecstasy." >> Yeah.<00:39:59.359> Yeah.<00:39:59.760> Yeah.<00:40:00.240> and<00:40:00.400> her<00:40:00.640> sponsor<00:40:01.040> said, 00:40:01.510 --> 00:40:01.520 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and her sponsor said, 00:40:01.520 --> 00:40:02.870 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and her sponsor said, "Collect<00:40:02.000> your<00:40:02.160> purse<00:40:02.320> and<00:40:02.560> leave<00:40:02.720> the 00:40:02.870 --> 00:40:02.880 align:start position:0% "Collect your purse and leave the 00:40:02.880 --> 00:40:06.069 align:start position:0% "Collect your purse and leave the premises."<00:40:03.520> Right?<00:40:03.920> So,<00:40:04.160> I<00:40:05.119> was<00:40:05.359> like,<00:40:05.839> like 00:40:06.069 --> 00:40:06.079 align:start position:0% premises." Right? So, I was like, like 00:40:06.079 --> 00:40:07.589 align:start position:0% premises." Right? So, I was like, like if<00:40:06.240> I'm<00:40:06.480> in<00:40:06.640> a<00:40:06.800> situation<00:40:07.119> where<00:40:07.280> I'm<00:40:07.440> like, 00:40:07.589 --> 00:40:07.599 align:start position:0% if I'm in a situation where I'm like, 00:40:07.599 --> 00:40:10.150 align:start position:0% if I'm in a situation where I'm like, "Ooh,<00:40:08.240> I'm<00:40:08.560> doing<00:40:08.800> that<00:40:09.040> thing<00:40:09.200> that<00:40:09.440> I<00:40:09.599> do." 00:40:10.150 --> 00:40:10.160 align:start position:0% "Ooh, I'm doing that thing that I do." 00:40:10.160 --> 00:40:11.589 align:start position:0% "Ooh, I'm doing that thing that I do." It's<00:40:10.400> like,<00:40:10.560> "Girlfriend,<00:40:11.200> collect<00:40:11.440> your 00:40:11.589 --> 00:40:11.599 align:start position:0% It's like, "Girlfriend, collect your 00:40:11.599 --> 00:40:12.470 align:start position:0% It's like, "Girlfriend, collect your purse,<00:40:11.920> leave<00:40:12.000> the<00:40:12.160> premise." 00:40:12.470 --> 00:40:12.480 align:start position:0% purse, leave the premise." 00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:13.510 align:start position:0% purse, leave the premise." >> You'll<00:40:12.640> literally<00:40:12.880> leave<00:40:13.040> the<00:40:13.200> party<00:40:13.359> if 00:40:13.510 --> 00:40:13.520 align:start position:0% >> You'll literally leave the party if 00:40:13.520 --> 00:40:13.829 align:start position:0% >> You'll literally leave the party if you're 00:40:13.829 --> 00:40:13.839 align:start position:0% you're 00:40:13.839 --> 00:40:15.750 align:start position:0% you're >> I<00:40:14.000> will<00:40:14.160> leave<00:40:14.320> the<00:40:14.480> room, 00:40:15.750 --> 00:40:15.760 align:start position:0% >> I will leave the room, 00:40:15.760 --> 00:40:17.430 align:start position:0% >> I will leave the room, >> you<00:40:15.839> know?<00:40:16.079> I<00:40:16.240> will<00:40:16.400> leave<00:40:16.560> the<00:40:16.720> room.<00:40:17.280> And 00:40:17.430 --> 00:40:17.440 align:start position:0% >> you know? I will leave the room. And 00:40:17.440 --> 00:40:19.030 align:start position:0% >> you know? I will leave the room. And it's<00:40:17.599> like,<00:40:17.839> go<00:40:18.079> talk<00:40:18.320> to<00:40:18.480> somebody<00:40:18.800> you're 00:40:19.030 --> 00:40:19.040 align:start position:0% it's like, go talk to somebody you're 00:40:19.040 --> 00:40:21.030 align:start position:0% it's like, go talk to somebody you're not<00:40:19.200> attracted<00:40:19.680> to<00:40:19.920> right<00:40:20.160> now. 00:40:21.030 --> 00:40:21.040 align:start position:0% not attracted to right now. 00:40:21.040 --> 00:40:23.030 align:start position:0% not attracted to right now. >> Like,<00:40:21.359> oh,<00:40:21.599> there's<00:40:21.839> kids<00:40:22.079> here<00:40:22.320> at<00:40:22.640> this 00:40:23.030 --> 00:40:23.040 align:start position:0% >> Like, oh, there's kids here at this 00:40:23.040 --> 00:40:24.710 align:start position:0% >> Like, oh, there's kids here at this barbecue.<00:40:23.520> Go<00:40:23.680> hang<00:40:23.839> out<00:40:23.920> with<00:40:24.000> the<00:40:24.160> kids. 00:40:24.710 --> 00:40:24.720 align:start position:0% barbecue. Go hang out with the kids. 00:40:24.720 --> 00:40:35.270 align:start position:0% barbecue. Go hang out with the kids. Yeah. 00:40:35.270 --> 00:40:35.280 align:start position:0% 00:40:35.280 --> 00:40:37.030 align:start position:0% >> Right.<00:40:35.520> It's<00:40:35.680> like<00:40:35.920> this<00:40:36.160> is<00:40:36.240> somebody's 00:40:37.030 --> 00:40:37.040 align:start position:0% >> Right. It's like this is somebody's 00:40:37.040 --> 00:40:39.030 align:start position:0% >> Right. It's like this is somebody's spouse.<00:40:37.440> This<00:40:37.599> is<00:40:37.760> somebody's<00:40:38.160> partner.<00:40:38.880> This 00:40:39.030 --> 00:40:39.040 align:start position:0% spouse. This is somebody's partner. This 00:40:39.040 --> 00:40:41.670 align:start position:0% spouse. This is somebody's partner. This is<00:40:39.200> somebody<00:40:39.440> this<00:40:39.680> is<00:40:39.839> not<00:40:40.160> harmless<00:40:40.960> at<00:40:41.200> all 00:40:41.670 --> 00:40:41.680 align:start position:0% is somebody this is not harmless at all 00:40:41.680 --> 00:40:43.510 align:start position:0% is somebody this is not harmless at all >> for<00:40:41.920> you<00:40:42.079> to<00:40:42.240> be<00:40:42.400> doing<00:40:42.560> this.<00:40:42.960> Like<00:40:43.119> you<00:40:43.359> don't 00:40:43.510 --> 00:40:43.520 align:start position:0% >> for you to be doing this. Like you don't 00:40:43.520 --> 00:40:45.510 align:start position:0% >> for you to be doing this. Like you don't belong<00:40:44.240> in<00:40:44.480> this<00:40:44.720> conversation<00:40:45.119> that<00:40:45.359> you're 00:40:45.510 --> 00:40:45.520 align:start position:0% belong in this conversation that you're 00:40:45.520 --> 00:40:46.630 align:start position:0% belong in this conversation that you're in<00:40:45.680> right<00:40:45.839> now. 00:40:46.630 --> 00:40:46.640 align:start position:0% in right now. 00:40:46.640 --> 00:40:47.990 align:start position:0% in right now. >> It's<00:40:46.880> not<00:40:47.040> safe<00:40:47.200> for<00:40:47.440> anybody. 00:40:47.990 --> 00:40:48.000 align:start position:0% >> It's not safe for anybody. 00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:52.310 align:start position:0% >> It's not safe for anybody. >> Does<00:40:48.240> this<00:40:48.640> after<00:40:49.520> after<00:40:50.960> like<00:40:51.760> is<00:40:52.000> there<00:40:52.160> a 00:40:52.310 --> 00:40:52.320 align:start position:0% >> Does this after after like is there a 00:40:52.320 --> 00:40:53.910 align:start position:0% >> Does this after after like is there a recent<00:40:52.640> instance<00:40:52.960> where<00:40:53.200> you<00:40:53.359> did<00:40:53.440> this?<00:40:53.680> Like 00:40:53.910 --> 00:40:53.920 align:start position:0% recent instance where you did this? Like 00:40:53.920 --> 00:40:55.349 align:start position:0% recent instance where you did this? Like does<00:40:54.079> this<00:40:54.240> still<00:40:54.480> come<00:40:54.640> up<00:40:54.720> in<00:40:54.880> you<00:40:54.960> or<00:40:55.119> is<00:40:55.200> the 00:40:55.349 --> 00:40:55.359 align:start position:0% does this still come up in you or is the 00:40:55.359 --> 00:40:57.829 align:start position:0% does this still come up in you or is the impulse<00:40:55.760> to<00:40:55.920> flirt? 00:40:57.829 --> 00:40:57.839 align:start position:0% impulse to flirt? 00:40:57.839 --> 00:40:59.990 align:start position:0% impulse to flirt? >> I<00:40:57.920> was<00:40:58.000> interested<00:40:58.240> in<00:40:58.400> it<00:40:58.640> because<00:40:58.880> I'm<00:40:59.200> not 00:40:59.990 --> 00:41:00.000 align:start position:0% >> I was interested in it because I'm not 00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:01.750 align:start position:0% >> I was interested in it because I'm not um 00:41:01.750 --> 00:41:01.760 align:start position:0% um 00:41:01.760 --> 00:41:03.510 align:start position:0% um listen<00:41:02.079> I'm<00:41:02.319> always<00:41:02.560> going<00:41:02.640> to<00:41:02.720> be<00:41:02.960> a<00:41:03.119> sex<00:41:03.359> and 00:41:03.510 --> 00:41:03.520 align:start position:0% listen I'm always going to be a sex and 00:41:03.520 --> 00:41:05.510 align:start position:0% listen I'm always going to be a sex and love<00:41:03.680> addict.<00:41:04.160> Um<00:41:04.640> just<00:41:04.880> like<00:41:05.040> Rhea<00:41:05.359> was 00:41:05.510 --> 00:41:05.520 align:start position:0% love addict. Um just like Rhea was 00:41:05.520 --> 00:41:06.630 align:start position:0% love addict. Um just like Rhea was always<00:41:05.680> going<00:41:05.760> to<00:41:05.839> be<00:41:05.920> a<00:41:06.000> drug<00:41:06.240> addict.<00:41:06.480> And 00:41:06.630 --> 00:41:06.640 align:start position:0% always going to be a drug addict. And 00:41:06.640 --> 00:41:08.870 align:start position:0% always going to be a drug addict. And one<00:41:06.800> of<00:41:06.880> the<00:41:07.040> things<00:41:07.119> that<00:41:07.359> I<00:41:07.520> really<00:41:07.760> learned 00:41:08.870 --> 00:41:08.880 align:start position:0% one of the things that I really learned 00:41:08.880 --> 00:41:10.870 align:start position:0% one of the things that I really learned like<00:41:09.280> right<00:41:09.680> up<00:41:09.920> front<00:41:10.160> and<00:41:10.400> personal<00:41:10.640> and 00:41:10.870 --> 00:41:10.880 align:start position:0% like right up front and personal and 00:41:10.880 --> 00:41:13.510 align:start position:0% like right up front and personal and close<00:41:11.040> with<00:41:11.119> Rehea<00:41:11.599> because<00:41:12.160> I<00:41:12.400> got<00:41:12.560> to<00:41:12.800> see<00:41:12.960> it 00:41:13.510 --> 00:41:13.520 align:start position:0% close with Rehea because I got to see it 00:41:13.520 --> 00:41:15.510 align:start position:0% close with Rehea because I got to see it was<00:41:13.760> what<00:41:14.000> it<00:41:14.160> looks<00:41:14.319> like<00:41:14.400> when<00:41:14.640> an<00:41:14.880> addict 00:41:15.510 --> 00:41:15.520 align:start position:0% was what it looks like when an addict 00:41:15.520 --> 00:41:17.430 align:start position:0% was what it looks like when an addict decides<00:41:15.920> they're<00:41:16.160> not<00:41:16.240> an<00:41:16.400> addict<00:41:16.720> anymore. 00:41:17.430 --> 00:41:17.440 align:start position:0% decides they're not an addict anymore. 00:41:17.440 --> 00:41:20.630 align:start position:0% decides they're not an addict anymore. So,<00:41:18.640> like<00:41:18.880> that<00:41:19.119> example<00:41:19.599> was<00:41:19.839> such<00:41:20.000> a<00:41:20.160> gift 00:41:20.630 --> 00:41:20.640 align:start position:0% So, like that example was such a gift 00:41:20.640 --> 00:41:22.069 align:start position:0% So, like that example was such a gift that<00:41:20.880> she<00:41:21.040> gave<00:41:21.280> to<00:41:21.359> me<00:41:21.520> where<00:41:21.680> it's<00:41:21.839> like,<00:41:22.000> I 00:41:22.069 --> 00:41:22.079 align:start position:0% that she gave to me where it's like, I 00:41:22.079 --> 00:41:24.230 align:start position:0% that she gave to me where it's like, I don't<00:41:22.240> [ __ ]<00:41:22.400> with<00:41:22.560> this.<00:41:23.280> Like,<00:41:23.520> I'm<00:41:23.920> I'm<00:41:24.079> a 00:41:24.230 --> 00:41:24.240 align:start position:0% don't [ __ ] with this. Like, I'm I'm a 00:41:24.240 --> 00:41:25.589 align:start position:0% don't [ __ ] with this. Like, I'm I'm a sex<00:41:24.400> and<00:41:24.560> love<00:41:24.720> addict.<00:41:24.960> I<00:41:25.119> will<00:41:25.200> die<00:41:25.359> a<00:41:25.520> sex 00:41:25.589 --> 00:41:25.599 align:start position:0% sex and love addict. I will die a sex 00:41:25.599 --> 00:41:27.109 align:start position:0% sex and love addict. I will die a sex and<00:41:25.760> love<00:41:25.920> addict.<00:41:26.240> I<00:41:26.400> will<00:41:26.480> hopefully<00:41:26.800> die<00:41:26.960> a 00:41:27.109 --> 00:41:27.119 align:start position:0% and love addict. I will hopefully die a 00:41:27.119 --> 00:41:29.109 align:start position:0% and love addict. I will hopefully die a sober<00:41:27.440> sex<00:41:27.599> and<00:41:27.760> love<00:41:27.920> addict.<00:41:28.480> I<00:41:28.720> got<00:41:28.880> so 00:41:29.109 --> 00:41:29.119 align:start position:0% sober sex and love addict. I got so 00:41:29.119 --> 00:41:31.510 align:start position:0% sober sex and love addict. I got so angry<00:41:30.079> when<00:41:30.319> I<00:41:30.480> first<00:41:30.640> came<00:41:30.800> into<00:41:31.040> recovery 00:41:31.510 --> 00:41:31.520 align:start position:0% angry when I first came into recovery 00:41:31.520 --> 00:41:33.430 align:start position:0% angry when I first came into recovery when<00:41:31.680> I<00:41:31.839> found<00:41:32.000> out<00:41:32.160> that<00:41:32.319> the<00:41:32.480> like<00:41:32.720> the<00:41:33.119> cure 00:41:33.430 --> 00:41:33.440 align:start position:0% when I found out that the like the cure 00:41:33.440 --> 00:41:35.030 align:start position:0% when I found out that the like the cure for<00:41:33.680> my<00:41:33.920> thing<00:41:34.160> is<00:41:34.400> that<00:41:34.560> you<00:41:34.720> have<00:41:34.800> to<00:41:34.880> learn 00:41:35.030 --> 00:41:35.040 align:start position:0% for my thing is that you have to learn 00:41:35.040 --> 00:41:36.630 align:start position:0% for my thing is that you have to learn how<00:41:35.200> to<00:41:35.359> love<00:41:35.520> and<00:41:35.680> take<00:41:35.839> care<00:41:35.920> of<00:41:36.079> yourself. 00:41:36.630 --> 00:41:36.640 align:start position:0% how to love and take care of yourself. 00:41:36.640 --> 00:41:38.790 align:start position:0% how to love and take care of yourself. >> Well,<00:41:36.800> that's<00:41:37.599> in<00:41:37.760> the<00:41:37.920> world. 00:41:38.790 --> 00:41:38.800 align:start position:0% >> Well, that's in the world. 00:41:38.800 --> 00:41:40.950 align:start position:0% >> Well, that's in the world. >> I<00:41:38.960> was<00:41:39.040> like,<00:41:39.200> ew.<00:41:39.599> First<00:41:39.839> of<00:41:40.000> all,<00:41:40.160> like<00:41:40.720> the 00:41:40.950 --> 00:41:40.960 align:start position:0% >> I was like, ew. First of all, like the 00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:44.470 align:start position:0% >> I was like, ew. First of all, like the whole<00:41:41.119> reason<00:41:41.280> I'm<00:41:41.520> like<00:41:41.760> this<00:41:42.319> is<00:41:42.640> because 00:41:44.470 --> 00:41:44.480 align:start position:0% whole reason I'm like this is because 00:41:44.480 --> 00:41:46.550 align:start position:0% whole reason I'm like this is because >> I<00:41:44.720> wasn't<00:41:45.119> getting<00:41:45.599> the<00:41:45.839> care<00:41:46.000> and<00:41:46.240> love<00:41:46.400> that 00:41:46.550 --> 00:41:46.560 align:start position:0% >> I wasn't getting the care and love that 00:41:46.560 --> 00:41:47.670 align:start position:0% >> I wasn't getting the care and love that I<00:41:46.800> needed 00:41:47.670 --> 00:41:47.680 align:start position:0% I needed 00:41:47.680 --> 00:41:49.430 align:start position:0% I needed >> like<00:41:48.000> at<00:41:48.240> a<00:41:48.400> very<00:41:48.560> tender<00:41:48.880> age,<00:41:49.119> right?<00:41:49.280> So 00:41:49.430 --> 00:41:49.440 align:start position:0% >> like at a very tender age, right? So 00:41:49.440 --> 00:41:51.109 align:start position:0% >> like at a very tender age, right? So it's<00:41:49.599> like<00:41:49.920> I've<00:41:50.160> been<00:41:50.240> told<00:41:50.480> since<00:41:50.640> the<00:41:50.800> day<00:41:50.960> I 00:41:51.109 --> 00:41:51.119 align:start position:0% it's like I've been told since the day I 00:41:51.119 --> 00:41:53.670 align:start position:0% it's like I've been told since the day I was<00:41:51.200> born<00:41:51.359> to<00:41:51.520> take<00:41:51.680> care<00:41:51.839> of<00:41:52.000> myself.<00:41:52.800> So<00:41:53.440> [ __ ] 00:41:53.670 --> 00:41:53.680 align:start position:0% was born to take care of myself. So [ __ ] 00:41:53.680 --> 00:41:54.230 align:start position:0% was born to take care of myself. So [ __ ] you. 00:41:54.230 --> 00:41:54.240 align:start position:0% you. 00:41:54.240 --> 00:41:54.710 align:start position:0% you. >> Yeah. 00:41:54.710 --> 00:41:54.720 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:41:54.720 --> 00:41:56.390 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> You<00:41:54.880> know,<00:41:55.119> like<00:41:55.359> I<00:41:55.599> want<00:41:55.760> somebody<00:41:56.000> to<00:41:56.240> take 00:41:56.390 --> 00:41:56.400 align:start position:0% >> You know, like I want somebody to take 00:41:56.400 --> 00:41:58.150 align:start position:0% >> You know, like I want somebody to take care<00:41:56.560> of<00:41:56.720> me<00:41:56.880> and<00:41:57.119> I'll<00:41:57.359> take<00:41:57.520> care<00:41:57.599> of<00:41:57.760> you<00:41:57.920> if 00:41:58.150 --> 00:41:58.160 align:start position:0% care of me and I'll take care of you if 00:41:58.160 --> 00:42:00.630 align:start position:0% care of me and I'll take care of you if you<00:41:58.319> take<00:41:58.480> care<00:41:58.560> of<00:41:58.720> me,<00:41:59.200> right? 00:42:00.630 --> 00:42:00.640 align:start position:0% you take care of me, right? 00:42:00.640 --> 00:42:05.030 align:start position:0% you take care of me, right? So,<00:42:01.440> but<00:42:01.680> the<00:42:01.839> remedy<00:42:02.240> is<00:42:03.119> to<00:42:03.440> learn<00:42:03.680> how<00:42:03.920> to 00:42:05.030 --> 00:42:05.040 align:start position:0% So, but the remedy is to learn how to 00:42:05.040 --> 00:42:07.510 align:start position:0% So, but the remedy is to learn how to make<00:42:05.280> a<00:42:05.440> life<00:42:05.599> that<00:42:05.839> is<00:42:06.400> so<00:42:06.720> rich<00:42:06.960> and<00:42:07.200> anchored 00:42:07.510 --> 00:42:07.520 align:start position:0% make a life that is so rich and anchored 00:42:07.520 --> 00:42:09.750 align:start position:0% make a life that is so rich and anchored and<00:42:07.680> grounded<00:42:08.000> and<00:42:08.240> full<00:42:08.480> that<00:42:08.720> I'm<00:42:08.880> not<00:42:09.440> out 00:42:09.750 --> 00:42:09.760 align:start position:0% and grounded and full that I'm not out 00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:11.670 align:start position:0% and grounded and full that I'm not out here<00:42:10.160> like<00:42:10.319> a<00:42:10.560> beggar 00:42:11.670 --> 00:42:11.680 align:start position:0% here like a beggar 00:42:11.680 --> 00:42:14.950 align:start position:0% here like a beggar >> trying<00:42:11.920> to<00:42:12.560> get<00:42:12.880> that<00:42:13.359> from<00:42:13.680> somebody.<00:42:14.480> So<00:42:14.720> I 00:42:14.950 --> 00:42:14.960 align:start position:0% >> trying to get that from somebody. So I 00:42:14.960 --> 00:42:17.750 align:start position:0% >> trying to get that from somebody. So I meditate<00:42:15.359> and<00:42:15.599> I<00:42:15.839> pray<00:42:16.079> and<00:42:16.400> I<00:42:16.720> do<00:42:17.119> and<00:42:17.359> I<00:42:17.520> turn 00:42:17.750 --> 00:42:17.760 align:start position:0% meditate and I pray and I do and I turn 00:42:17.760 --> 00:42:19.510 align:start position:0% meditate and I pray and I do and I turn over<00:42:18.000> things<00:42:18.160> with<00:42:18.400> my<00:42:18.560> fellows<00:42:18.960> in<00:42:19.119> recovery 00:42:19.510 --> 00:42:19.520 align:start position:0% over things with my fellows in recovery 00:42:19.520 --> 00:42:22.069 align:start position:0% over things with my fellows in recovery and<00:42:20.079> but<00:42:20.400> what's<00:42:20.800> happened<00:42:21.119> is<00:42:21.359> that<00:42:21.680> although 00:42:22.069 --> 00:42:22.079 align:start position:0% and but what's happened is that although 00:42:22.079 --> 00:42:23.349 align:start position:0% and but what's happened is that although I<00:42:22.319> started<00:42:22.720> doing<00:42:22.880> those<00:42:23.119> things 00:42:23.349 --> 00:42:23.359 align:start position:0% I started doing those things 00:42:23.359 --> 00:42:26.390 align:start position:0% I started doing those things resentfully,<00:42:24.640> what<00:42:24.880> I've<00:42:25.200> now<00:42:25.440> seen<00:42:25.760> is<00:42:26.079> like, 00:42:26.390 --> 00:42:26.400 align:start position:0% resentfully, what I've now seen is like, 00:42:26.400 --> 00:42:29.270 align:start position:0% resentfully, what I've now seen is like, oh<00:42:26.640> wait,<00:42:26.960> when<00:42:27.200> I<00:42:27.440> do<00:42:27.599> all<00:42:27.760> of<00:42:27.920> these<00:42:28.240> things 00:42:29.270 --> 00:42:29.280 align:start position:0% oh wait, when I do all of these things 00:42:29.280 --> 00:42:32.870 align:start position:0% oh wait, when I do all of these things that<00:42:29.599> are<00:42:30.079> that<00:42:30.400> make<00:42:30.640> me<00:42:30.800> be<00:42:31.040> well,<00:42:32.400> my<00:42:32.720> life 00:42:32.870 --> 00:42:32.880 align:start position:0% that are that make me be well, my life 00:42:32.880 --> 00:42:34.630 align:start position:0% that are that make me be well, my life is<00:42:33.119> so<00:42:33.440> good 00:42:34.630 --> 00:42:34.640 align:start position:0% is so good 00:42:34.640 --> 00:42:37.030 align:start position:0% is so good >> that<00:42:35.280> I<00:42:35.520> don't<00:42:35.839> actually<00:42:36.240> want<00:42:36.400> to<00:42:36.560> bring<00:42:36.720> in 00:42:37.030 --> 00:42:37.040 align:start position:0% >> that I don't actually want to bring in 00:42:37.040 --> 00:42:39.430 align:start position:0% >> that I don't actually want to bring in anybody<00:42:37.440> into<00:42:37.680> it<00:42:38.079> at<00:42:38.400> this<00:42:38.560> moment<00:42:38.960> just<00:42:39.200> for 00:42:39.430 --> 00:42:39.440 align:start position:0% anybody into it at this moment just for 00:42:39.440 --> 00:42:40.950 align:start position:0% anybody into it at this moment just for today. 00:42:40.950 --> 00:42:40.960 align:start position:0% today. 00:42:40.960 --> 00:42:43.190 align:start position:0% today. I<00:42:41.200> don't<00:42:41.359> want<00:42:41.520> to<00:42:42.000> the<00:42:42.319> amount<00:42:42.560> of<00:42:42.800> myself 00:42:43.190 --> 00:42:43.200 align:start position:0% I don't want to the amount of myself 00:42:43.200 --> 00:42:45.349 align:start position:0% I don't want to the amount of myself that<00:42:43.520> I<00:42:43.680> want<00:42:43.839> to<00:42:44.000> give<00:42:44.240> away 00:42:45.349 --> 00:42:45.359 align:start position:0% that I want to give away 00:42:45.359 --> 00:42:49.349 align:start position:0% that I want to give away >> or<00:42:45.599> or<00:42:46.720> compromise<00:42:47.280> on<00:42:48.160> or<00:42:48.480> sacrifice<00:42:49.119> is 00:42:49.349 --> 00:42:49.359 align:start position:0% >> or or compromise on or sacrifice is 00:42:49.359 --> 00:42:52.390 align:start position:0% >> or or compromise on or sacrifice is zero.<00:42:50.640> I<00:42:50.880> love<00:42:51.040> my<00:42:51.280> life.<00:42:52.000> I<00:42:52.240> don't<00:42:52.319> want 00:42:52.390 --> 00:42:52.400 align:start position:0% zero. I love my life. I don't want 00:42:52.400 --> 00:42:54.470 align:start position:0% zero. I love my life. I don't want anyone<00:42:52.720> living<00:42:52.960> in<00:42:53.119> here<00:42:53.280> with<00:42:53.520> me.<00:42:54.160> I<00:42:54.400> don't 00:42:54.470 --> 00:42:54.480 align:start position:0% anyone living in here with me. I don't 00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:56.710 align:start position:0% anyone living in here with me. I don't want<00:42:54.640> anybody<00:42:55.119> like<00:42:55.359> I<00:42:55.520> don't<00:42:55.680> want<00:42:55.920> like<00:42:56.240> no 00:42:56.710 --> 00:42:56.720 align:start position:0% want anybody like I don't want like no 00:42:56.720 --> 00:42:58.470 align:start position:0% want anybody like I don't want like no like<00:42:57.040> I'm<00:42:57.440> good.<00:42:57.760> I<00:42:58.000> don't<00:42:58.079> want<00:42:58.160> to<00:42:58.319> ask 00:42:58.470 --> 00:42:58.480 align:start position:0% like I'm good. I don't want to ask 00:42:58.480 --> 00:43:00.710 align:start position:0% like I'm good. I don't want to ask anyone's<00:42:58.960> permission<00:42:59.440> to<00:42:59.680> go<00:43:00.000> traveling.<00:43:00.560> I 00:43:00.710 --> 00:43:00.720 align:start position:0% anyone's permission to go traveling. I 00:43:00.720 --> 00:43:02.710 align:start position:0% anyone's permission to go traveling. I don't<00:43:00.800> want<00:43:00.960> to<00:43:01.280> I<00:43:01.520> just<00:43:01.680> don't<00:43:01.760> want<00:43:01.920> to<00:43:02.240> No,<00:43:02.560> I 00:43:02.710 --> 00:43:02.720 align:start position:0% don't want to I just don't want to No, I 00:43:02.720 --> 00:43:03.670 align:start position:0% don't want to I just don't want to No, I don't<00:43:02.800> want<00:43:02.880> to<00:43:03.040> share 00:43:03.670 --> 00:43:03.680 align:start position:0% don't want to share 00:43:03.680 --> 00:43:04.630 align:start position:0% don't want to share >> You<00:43:03.839> want<00:43:03.920> to<00:43:04.000> share<00:43:04.160> a<00:43:04.319> bed? 00:43:04.630 --> 00:43:04.640 align:start position:0% >> You want to share a bed? 00:43:04.640 --> 00:43:06.230 align:start position:0% >> You want to share a bed? >> No,<00:43:04.880> I<00:43:05.119> don't<00:43:05.200> want<00:43:05.280> to<00:43:05.359> share<00:43:05.520> a<00:43:05.680> bed.<00:43:05.920> Like 00:43:06.230 --> 00:43:06.240 align:start position:0% >> No, I don't want to share a bed. Like 00:43:06.240 --> 00:43:09.349 align:start position:0% >> No, I don't want to share a bed. Like not<00:43:06.480> today.<00:43:07.280> I<00:43:07.599> don't<00:43:07.760> want<00:43:07.920> that<00:43:08.160> today.<00:43:09.119> I 00:43:09.349 --> 00:43:09.359 align:start position:0% not today. I don't want that today. I 00:43:09.359 --> 00:43:11.589 align:start position:0% not today. I don't want that today. I don't<00:43:09.520> know<00:43:09.680> about<00:43:10.000> tomorrow,<00:43:10.720> but<00:43:11.040> like<00:43:11.359> just 00:43:11.589 --> 00:43:11.599 align:start position:0% don't know about tomorrow, but like just 00:43:11.599 --> 00:43:13.430 align:start position:0% don't know about tomorrow, but like just for<00:43:11.839> today,<00:43:12.079> I'm<00:43:12.319> like,<00:43:12.640> "Oh,<00:43:13.040> this<00:43:13.200> is<00:43:13.280> a 00:43:13.430 --> 00:43:13.440 align:start position:0% for today, I'm like, "Oh, this is a 00:43:13.440 --> 00:43:14.950 align:start position:0% for today, I'm like, "Oh, this is a weird<00:43:13.680> feeling.<00:43:14.079> I'm<00:43:14.319> good." 00:43:14.950 --> 00:43:14.960 align:start position:0% weird feeling. I'm good." 00:43:14.960 --> 00:43:16.950 align:start position:0% weird feeling. I'm good." >> I<00:43:15.119> do<00:43:15.280> notice<00:43:15.599> you<00:43:15.760> keep<00:43:16.000> saying<00:43:16.240> today.<00:43:16.720> So, 00:43:16.950 --> 00:43:16.960 align:start position:0% >> I do notice you keep saying today. So, 00:43:16.960 --> 00:43:20.150 align:start position:0% >> I do notice you keep saying today. So, is<00:43:17.119> that<00:43:18.000> sort<00:43:18.240> of<00:43:18.720> uh<00:43:19.280> not<00:43:19.599> excluding<00:43:20.000> the 00:43:20.150 --> 00:43:20.160 align:start position:0% is that sort of uh not excluding the 00:43:20.160 --> 00:43:22.069 align:start position:0% is that sort of uh not excluding the possibility<00:43:20.560> that<00:43:20.800> you<00:43:21.040> might<00:43:21.280> want 00:43:22.069 --> 00:43:22.079 align:start position:0% possibility that you might want 00:43:22.079 --> 00:43:23.670 align:start position:0% possibility that you might want partnership<00:43:22.560> or<00:43:22.880> relationship<00:43:23.280> in<00:43:23.520> the 00:43:23.670 --> 00:43:23.680 align:start position:0% partnership or relationship in the 00:43:23.680 --> 00:43:24.550 align:start position:0% partnership or relationship in the future? 00:43:24.550 --> 00:43:24.560 align:start position:0% future? 00:43:24.560 --> 00:43:25.990 align:start position:0% future? >> The<00:43:24.800> future<00:43:25.040> is<00:43:25.200> a<00:43:25.359> really<00:43:25.599> dangerous 00:43:25.990 --> 00:43:26.000 align:start position:0% >> The future is a really dangerous 00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:27.670 align:start position:0% >> The future is a really dangerous neighborhood<00:43:26.319> for<00:43:26.560> me<00:43:26.640> to<00:43:26.800> hang<00:43:26.960> out<00:43:27.119> in<00:43:27.520> with 00:43:27.670 --> 00:43:27.680 align:start position:0% neighborhood for me to hang out in with 00:43:27.680 --> 00:43:29.910 align:start position:0% neighborhood for me to hang out in with a<00:43:27.920> mind<00:43:28.160> like<00:43:28.319> mine.<00:43:28.880> Instantly,<00:43:29.359> if<00:43:29.520> I<00:43:29.680> start 00:43:29.910 --> 00:43:29.920 align:start position:0% a mind like mine. Instantly, if I start 00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:31.109 align:start position:0% a mind like mine. Instantly, if I start thinking<00:43:30.079> about<00:43:30.240> the<00:43:30.400> future,<00:43:30.640> I'm<00:43:30.880> going<00:43:30.960> to 00:43:31.109 --> 00:43:31.119 align:start position:0% thinking about the future, I'm going to 00:43:31.119 --> 00:43:32.630 align:start position:0% thinking about the future, I'm going to go<00:43:31.280> into<00:43:31.520> neurosis 00:43:32.630 --> 00:43:32.640 align:start position:0% go into neurosis 00:43:32.640 --> 00:43:34.630 align:start position:0% go into neurosis >> instantly.<00:43:33.520> I<00:43:33.760> mean, 00:43:34.630 --> 00:43:34.640 align:start position:0% >> instantly. I mean, 00:43:34.640 --> 00:43:36.150 align:start position:0% >> instantly. I mean, >> start<00:43:34.880> thinking<00:43:35.119> about<00:43:35.280> the<00:43:35.440> future. 00:43:36.150 --> 00:43:36.160 align:start position:0% >> start thinking about the future. 00:43:36.160 --> 00:43:36.710 align:start position:0% >> start thinking about the future. >> I<00:43:36.400> am, 00:43:36.710 --> 00:43:36.720 align:start position:0% >> I am, 00:43:36.720 --> 00:43:37.190 align:start position:0% >> I am, >> right? 00:43:37.190 --> 00:43:37.200 align:start position:0% >> right? 00:43:37.200 --> 00:43:38.950 align:start position:0% >> right? >> Yeah.<00:43:37.680> It's<00:43:37.839> tough. 00:43:38.950 --> 00:43:38.960 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. It's tough. 00:43:38.960 --> 00:43:40.069 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. It's tough. >> There's<00:43:39.200> some<00:43:39.359> things<00:43:39.599> I'm<00:43:39.760> looking<00:43:39.920> forward 00:43:40.069 --> 00:43:40.079 align:start position:0% >> There's some things I'm looking forward 00:43:40.079 --> 00:43:41.270 align:start position:0% >> There's some things I'm looking forward to.<00:43:40.319> There's<00:43:40.480> some<00:43:40.640> things<00:43:40.800> I'm<00:43:40.960> not. 00:43:41.270 --> 00:43:41.280 align:start position:0% to. There's some things I'm not. 00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:43.270 align:start position:0% to. There's some things I'm not. >> Right.<00:43:41.680> Like<00:43:42.079> the<00:43:42.240> future's<00:43:42.640> a<00:43:42.800> really<00:43:43.040> scary 00:43:43.270 --> 00:43:43.280 align:start position:0% >> Right. Like the future's a really scary 00:43:43.280 --> 00:43:45.430 align:start position:0% >> Right. Like the future's a really scary neighborhood.<00:43:43.920> And<00:43:44.160> I<00:43:44.400> can<00:43:44.560> go<00:43:44.720> into<00:43:44.960> fantasy 00:43:45.430 --> 00:43:45.440 align:start position:0% neighborhood. And I can go into fantasy 00:43:45.440 --> 00:43:46.870 align:start position:0% neighborhood. And I can go into fantasy when<00:43:45.599> I<00:43:45.760> think<00:43:45.839> about<00:43:46.000> the<00:43:46.160> future.<00:43:46.560> I<00:43:46.720> can<00:43:46.800> go 00:43:46.870 --> 00:43:46.880 align:start position:0% when I think about the future. I can go 00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:48.230 align:start position:0% when I think about the future. I can go into<00:43:47.119> fear<00:43:47.359> when<00:43:47.520> I<00:43:47.680> think<00:43:47.760> about<00:43:47.839> the<00:43:48.000> future. 00:43:48.230 --> 00:43:48.240 align:start position:0% into fear when I think about the future. 00:43:48.240 --> 00:43:49.670 align:start position:0% into fear when I think about the future. And<00:43:48.400> those<00:43:48.560> are<00:43:48.720> really<00:43:48.880> bad<00:43:49.119> mental<00:43:49.440> states 00:43:49.670 --> 00:43:49.680 align:start position:0% And those are really bad mental states 00:43:49.680 --> 00:43:50.630 align:start position:0% And those are really bad mental states for<00:43:49.920> me. 00:43:50.630 --> 00:43:50.640 align:start position:0% for me. 00:43:50.640 --> 00:43:53.270 align:start position:0% for me. >> So<00:43:50.960> I'm<00:43:51.200> better<00:43:51.440> off<00:43:51.680> just<00:43:51.920> being<00:43:52.160> like<00:43:53.040> right 00:43:53.270 --> 00:43:53.280 align:start position:0% >> So I'm better off just being like right 00:43:53.280 --> 00:43:56.870 align:start position:0% >> So I'm better off just being like right in<00:43:53.520> this<00:43:53.760> moment.<00:43:54.960> My<00:43:55.119> needs<00:43:55.359> are<00:43:55.599> met.<00:43:56.560> I'm 00:43:56.870 --> 00:43:56.880 align:start position:0% in this moment. My needs are met. I'm 00:43:56.880 --> 00:44:00.309 align:start position:0% in this moment. My needs are met. I'm well.<00:43:57.839> I'm<00:43:58.160> not<00:43:58.960> I'm<00:43:59.200> not<00:43:59.359> up<00:43:59.520> on<00:43:59.680> my<00:43:59.839> [ __ ] 00:44:00.309 --> 00:44:00.319 align:start position:0% well. I'm not I'm not up on my [ __ ] 00:44:00.319 --> 00:44:02.710 align:start position:0% well. I'm not I'm not up on my [ __ ] right<00:44:00.480> now.<00:44:01.200> I'm<00:44:01.440> not<00:44:02.000> intriguing<00:44:02.560> with 00:44:02.710 --> 00:44:02.720 align:start position:0% right now. I'm not intriguing with 00:44:02.720 --> 00:44:04.390 align:start position:0% right now. I'm not intriguing with anybody.<00:44:03.200> I'm<00:44:03.440> not<00:44:03.599> infatuated<00:44:04.240> with 00:44:04.390 --> 00:44:04.400 align:start position:0% anybody. I'm not infatuated with 00:44:04.400 --> 00:44:06.230 align:start position:0% anybody. I'm not infatuated with anybody.<00:44:04.880> I'm<00:44:05.040> not<00:44:05.200> obsessed<00:44:05.599> with<00:44:05.760> anybody. 00:44:06.230 --> 00:44:06.240 align:start position:0% anybody. I'm not obsessed with anybody. 00:44:06.240 --> 00:44:08.550 align:start position:0% anybody. I'm not obsessed with anybody. I'm<00:44:06.480> not<00:44:06.560> in<00:44:06.800> withdrawal<00:44:07.280> from<00:44:07.520> anybody.<00:44:08.319> I'm 00:44:08.550 --> 00:44:08.560 align:start position:0% I'm not in withdrawal from anybody. I'm 00:44:08.560 --> 00:44:10.309 align:start position:0% I'm not in withdrawal from anybody. I'm not<00:44:08.800> running<00:44:09.119> away<00:44:09.359> from<00:44:09.520> anyone.<00:44:10.000> I'm<00:44:10.160> not 00:44:10.309 --> 00:44:10.319 align:start position:0% not running away from anyone. I'm not 00:44:10.319 --> 00:44:12.950 align:start position:0% not running away from anyone. I'm not running<00:44:10.560> toward<00:44:10.880> anyone.<00:44:11.520> By<00:44:11.839> all<00:44:12.079> rights, 00:44:12.950 --> 00:44:12.960 align:start position:0% running toward anyone. By all rights, 00:44:12.960 --> 00:44:14.950 align:start position:0% running toward anyone. By all rights, that's<00:44:13.200> what<00:44:13.440> I<00:44:13.680> a<00:44:13.920> person<00:44:14.079> like<00:44:14.319> me<00:44:14.560> should<00:44:14.720> be 00:44:14.950 --> 00:44:14.960 align:start position:0% that's what I a person like me should be 00:44:14.960 --> 00:44:16.630 align:start position:0% that's what I a person like me should be doing<00:44:15.200> today<00:44:15.440> is<00:44:15.760> one<00:44:15.920> of<00:44:16.000> those<00:44:16.240> things<00:44:16.480> cuz 00:44:16.630 --> 00:44:16.640 align:start position:0% doing today is one of those things cuz 00:44:16.640 --> 00:44:18.309 align:start position:0% doing today is one of those things cuz that's<00:44:16.800> what<00:44:16.960> I've<00:44:17.200> done<00:44:17.280> my<00:44:17.520> whole<00:44:17.680> life.<00:44:18.079> So, 00:44:18.309 --> 00:44:18.319 align:start position:0% that's what I've done my whole life. So, 00:44:18.319 --> 00:44:22.870 align:start position:0% that's what I've done my whole life. So, if<00:44:18.560> I<00:44:18.720> just<00:44:18.880> get<00:44:19.040> to<00:44:19.200> have<00:44:19.359> a<00:44:19.599> day<00:44:20.960> like<00:44:22.319> for<00:44:22.560> me 00:44:22.870 --> 00:44:22.880 align:start position:0% if I just get to have a day like for me 00:44:22.880 --> 00:44:25.589 align:start position:0% if I just get to have a day like for me like<00:44:23.040> a<00:44:23.280> victorious<00:44:24.000> day<00:44:24.400> is<00:44:24.720> just<00:44:24.880> like<00:44:25.280> I 00:44:25.589 --> 00:44:25.599 align:start position:0% like a victorious day is just like I 00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:27.430 align:start position:0% like a victorious day is just like I slept<00:44:25.920> well<00:44:26.079> last<00:44:26.319> night. 00:44:27.430 --> 00:44:27.440 align:start position:0% slept well last night. 00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:29.910 align:start position:0% slept well last night. >> I<00:44:28.000> woke<00:44:28.240> up. 00:44:29.910 --> 00:44:29.920 align:start position:0% >> I woke up. 00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:34.390 align:start position:0% >> I woke up. I<00:44:30.720> was<00:44:30.960> hung<00:44:31.200> out<00:44:31.359> with<00:44:31.520> my<00:44:31.680> dog.<00:44:32.960> I<00:44:33.680> prayed.<00:44:34.160> I 00:44:34.390 --> 00:44:34.400 align:start position:0% I was hung out with my dog. I prayed. I 00:44:34.400 --> 00:44:39.030 align:start position:0% I was hung out with my dog. I prayed. I meditated.<00:44:35.599> I<00:44:36.640> my<00:44:36.960> life<00:44:37.200> isn't<00:44:37.520> unmanageable. 00:44:39.030 --> 00:44:39.040 align:start position:0% meditated. I my life isn't unmanageable. 00:44:39.040 --> 00:44:40.630 align:start position:0% meditated. I my life isn't unmanageable. >> Like<00:44:39.359> my<00:44:39.520> bills<00:44:39.839> are<00:44:39.920> paid<00:44:40.160> and<00:44:40.319> I'm<00:44:40.480> not 00:44:40.630 --> 00:44:40.640 align:start position:0% >> Like my bills are paid and I'm not 00:44:40.640 --> 00:44:42.870 align:start position:0% >> Like my bills are paid and I'm not paying<00:44:40.800> anyone<00:44:41.119> else's<00:44:41.440> bills.<00:44:42.000> That's<00:44:42.240> a<00:44:42.400> big 00:44:42.870 --> 00:44:42.880 align:start position:0% paying anyone else's bills. That's a big 00:44:42.880 --> 00:44:44.470 align:start position:0% paying anyone else's bills. That's a big one<00:44:43.040> for<00:44:43.119> you.<00:44:43.440> That's<00:44:43.599> a<00:44:43.680> big<00:44:43.760> one<00:44:43.920> for<00:44:44.000> you. 00:44:44.470 --> 00:44:44.480 align:start position:0% one for you. That's a big one for you. 00:44:44.480 --> 00:44:47.829 align:start position:0% one for you. That's a big one for you. >> Big<00:44:44.800> one,<00:44:45.280> right?<00:44:46.240> I<00:44:46.560> just<00:44:46.720> get<00:44:46.960> to<00:44:47.200> have<00:44:47.520> a 00:44:47.829 --> 00:44:47.839 align:start position:0% >> Big one, right? I just get to have a 00:44:47.839 --> 00:44:51.910 align:start position:0% >> Big one, right? I just get to have a day.<00:44:48.720> I<00:44:48.960> just<00:44:49.119> get<00:44:49.280> to<00:44:49.440> have<00:44:49.520> a<00:44:49.760> day.<00:44:50.400> That<00:44:50.640> is<00:44:51.520> a 00:44:51.910 --> 00:44:51.920 align:start position:0% day. I just get to have a day. That is a 00:44:51.920 --> 00:44:54.630 align:start position:0% day. I just get to have a day. That is a [ __ ]<00:44:53.040> miracle. 00:44:54.630 --> 00:44:54.640 align:start position:0% [ __ ] miracle. 00:44:54.640 --> 00:44:57.030 align:start position:0% [ __ ] miracle. Like<00:44:55.359> you're<00:44:55.520> making<00:44:55.760> me<00:44:56.000> feel<00:44:56.319> happy. 00:44:57.030 --> 00:44:57.040 align:start position:0% Like you're making me feel happy. 00:44:57.040 --> 00:45:00.069 align:start position:0% Like you're making me feel happy. >> [ __ ]<00:44:57.599> miracle,<00:44:58.720> right?<00:44:59.119> So<00:44:59.359> like<00:44:59.839> next 00:45:00.069 --> 00:45:00.079 align:start position:0% >> [ __ ] miracle, right? So like next 00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:01.910 align:start position:0% >> [ __ ] miracle, right? So like next year<00:45:00.240> is<00:45:00.400> next<00:45:00.560> year's<00:45:00.880> problem.<00:45:01.520> You<00:45:01.680> know, 00:45:01.910 --> 00:45:01.920 align:start position:0% year is next year's problem. You know, 00:45:01.920 --> 00:45:05.430 align:start position:0% year is next year's problem. You know, just<00:45:02.079> for<00:45:02.319> today<00:45:03.119> it's<00:45:03.440> good.<00:45:04.880> just<00:45:05.200> for 00:45:05.430 --> 00:45:05.440 align:start position:0% just for today it's good. just for 00:45:05.440 --> 00:45:08.550 align:start position:0% just for today it's good. just for today.<00:45:06.800> And<00:45:06.960> this<00:45:07.200> is<00:45:07.359> that's<00:45:07.760> just<00:45:07.920> good.<00:45:08.319> I'm 00:45:08.550 --> 00:45:08.560 align:start position:0% today. And this is that's just good. I'm 00:45:08.560 --> 00:45:10.630 align:start position:0% today. And this is that's just good. I'm happy<00:45:08.800> with<00:45:09.040> that.<00:45:09.520> This<00:45:09.760> addiction<00:45:10.240> to 00:45:10.630 --> 00:45:10.640 align:start position:0% happy with that. This addiction to 00:45:10.640 --> 00:45:12.630 align:start position:0% happy with that. This addiction to validation<00:45:11.200> from<00:45:11.440> other<00:45:11.680> people,<00:45:12.400> from 00:45:12.630 --> 00:45:12.640 align:start position:0% validation from other people, from 00:45:12.640 --> 00:45:14.630 align:start position:0% validation from other people, from lovers.<00:45:13.200> You<00:45:13.440> gave<00:45:13.680> so<00:45:13.920> much<00:45:14.079> of<00:45:14.240> yourselves 00:45:14.630 --> 00:45:14.640 align:start position:0% lovers. You gave so much of yourselves 00:45:14.640 --> 00:45:17.349 align:start position:0% lovers. You gave so much of yourselves to<00:45:14.880> them.<00:45:15.440> That's<00:45:15.599> how<00:45:15.760> you<00:45:16.720> understood<00:45:17.119> your 00:45:17.349 --> 00:45:17.359 align:start position:0% to them. That's how you understood your 00:45:17.359 --> 00:45:21.030 align:start position:0% to them. That's how you understood your worth.<00:45:18.560> I'm<00:45:18.880> also<00:45:19.119> thinking<00:45:19.440> about<00:45:20.319> how<00:45:20.640> much 00:45:21.030 --> 00:45:21.040 align:start position:0% worth. I'm also thinking about how much 00:45:21.040 --> 00:45:23.589 align:start position:0% worth. I'm also thinking about how much of<00:45:21.280> yourself<00:45:21.680> you<00:45:21.920> give<00:45:22.079> to<00:45:22.480> your<00:45:22.800> readers, 00:45:23.589 --> 00:45:23.599 align:start position:0% of yourself you give to your readers, 00:45:23.599 --> 00:45:25.430 align:start position:0% of yourself you give to your readers, your<00:45:23.920> audience. 00:45:25.430 --> 00:45:25.440 align:start position:0% your audience. 00:45:25.440 --> 00:45:28.630 align:start position:0% your audience. And<00:45:25.599> I'm<00:45:25.920> wondering<00:45:26.400> if<00:45:27.760> how<00:45:28.079> you<00:45:28.240> think<00:45:28.400> about 00:45:28.630 --> 00:45:28.640 align:start position:0% And I'm wondering if how you think about 00:45:28.640 --> 00:45:31.349 align:start position:0% And I'm wondering if how you think about your<00:45:28.880> relationship<00:45:29.440> to<00:45:29.760> your<00:45:30.000> audience<00:45:30.960> has 00:45:31.349 --> 00:45:31.359 align:start position:0% your relationship to your audience has 00:45:31.359 --> 00:45:33.670 align:start position:0% your relationship to your audience has changed<00:45:32.240> in<00:45:32.560> this<00:45:32.720> new<00:45:32.880> sober<00:45:33.280> life.<00:45:33.520> Does 00:45:33.670 --> 00:45:33.680 align:start position:0% changed in this new sober life. Does 00:45:33.680 --> 00:45:35.430 align:start position:0% changed in this new sober life. Does that<00:45:33.839> question<00:45:34.160> make<00:45:34.400> sense? 00:45:35.430 --> 00:45:35.440 align:start position:0% that question make sense? 00:45:35.440 --> 00:45:36.950 align:start position:0% that question make sense? >> I<00:45:35.680> don't<00:45:35.760> feel<00:45:35.920> like<00:45:36.000> my<00:45:36.240> readers<00:45:36.640> owe<00:45:36.800> me 00:45:36.950 --> 00:45:36.960 align:start position:0% >> I don't feel like my readers owe me 00:45:36.960 --> 00:45:38.790 align:start position:0% >> I don't feel like my readers owe me anything<00:45:37.520> and<00:45:37.760> I<00:45:38.000> don't<00:45:38.079> feel<00:45:38.240> like<00:45:38.400> I<00:45:38.640> owe 00:45:38.790 --> 00:45:38.800 align:start position:0% anything and I don't feel like I owe 00:45:38.800 --> 00:45:40.790 align:start position:0% anything and I don't feel like I owe them<00:45:39.040> anything.<00:45:39.839> It's<00:45:40.079> the<00:45:40.240> opposite<00:45:40.480> of<00:45:40.640> a 00:45:40.790 --> 00:45:40.800 align:start position:0% them anything. It's the opposite of a 00:45:40.800 --> 00:45:41.910 align:start position:0% them anything. It's the opposite of a codependent<00:45:41.359> relationship. 00:45:41.910 --> 00:45:41.920 align:start position:0% codependent relationship. 00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:42.390 align:start position:0% codependent relationship. >> Wow. 00:45:42.390 --> 00:45:42.400 align:start position:0% >> Wow. 00:45:42.400 --> 00:45:45.030 align:start position:0% >> Wow. >> I<00:45:42.640> actually<00:45:42.880> just<00:45:43.119> feel<00:45:43.359> like,<00:45:43.920> hey<00:45:44.240> guys,<00:45:44.800> I 00:45:45.030 --> 00:45:45.040 align:start position:0% >> I actually just feel like, hey guys, I 00:45:45.040 --> 00:45:46.069 align:start position:0% >> I actually just feel like, hey guys, I did<00:45:45.119> a<00:45:45.359> thing. 00:45:46.069 --> 00:45:46.079 align:start position:0% did a thing. 00:45:46.079 --> 00:45:46.470 align:start position:0% did a thing. >> Yeah. 00:45:46.470 --> 00:45:46.480 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:45:46.480 --> 00:45:48.390 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> Um,<00:45:46.800> if<00:45:47.040> you<00:45:47.200> would<00:45:47.359> like<00:45:47.520> to<00:45:47.760> be<00:45:47.920> part<00:45:48.079> of<00:45:48.160> this 00:45:48.390 --> 00:45:48.400 align:start position:0% >> Um, if you would like to be part of this 00:45:48.400 --> 00:45:50.069 align:start position:0% >> Um, if you would like to be part of this thing,<00:45:48.640> you're<00:45:48.880> welcome<00:45:49.280> to<00:45:49.520> come<00:45:49.599> along<00:45:49.920> and 00:45:50.069 --> 00:45:50.079 align:start position:0% thing, you're welcome to come along and 00:45:50.079 --> 00:45:52.309 align:start position:0% thing, you're welcome to come along and if<00:45:50.240> not,<00:45:50.480> my<00:45:50.640> feelings<00:45:50.960> won't<00:45:51.200> be<00:45:51.280> hurt.<00:45:51.839> Um, 00:45:52.309 --> 00:45:52.319 align:start position:0% if not, my feelings won't be hurt. Um, 00:45:52.319 --> 00:45:53.910 align:start position:0% if not, my feelings won't be hurt. Um, and<00:45:52.560> the<00:45:52.720> one<00:45:52.880> thing<00:45:53.040> that<00:45:53.200> I<00:45:53.359> feel<00:45:53.520> like<00:45:53.680> with 00:45:53.910 --> 00:45:53.920 align:start position:0% and the one thing that I feel like with 00:45:53.920 --> 00:45:56.630 align:start position:0% and the one thing that I feel like with this<00:45:54.160> book<00:45:54.400> that<00:45:54.640> I<00:45:54.800> feel<00:45:54.960> like<00:45:55.040> is<00:45:55.280> slightly 00:45:56.630 --> 00:45:56.640 align:start position:0% this book that I feel like is slightly 00:45:56.640 --> 00:45:59.750 align:start position:0% this book that I feel like is slightly slightly<00:45:57.119> different<00:45:57.440> in<00:45:57.680> terms<00:45:57.839> of<00:45:58.000> the 00:45:59.750 --> 00:45:59.760 align:start position:0% slightly different in terms of the 00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:03.109 align:start position:0% slightly different in terms of the that<00:46:00.000> feels<00:46:00.240> very<00:46:00.560> recovery<00:46:01.119> to<00:46:01.280> me<00:46:02.000> is<00:46:02.720> that 00:46:03.109 --> 00:46:03.119 align:start position:0% that feels very recovery to me is that 00:46:03.119 --> 00:46:05.349 align:start position:0% that feels very recovery to me is that just<00:46:03.359> last<00:46:03.599> week<00:46:03.760> I<00:46:03.920> sent<00:46:04.079> an<00:46:04.240> email<00:46:04.480> out<00:46:04.720> to<00:46:05.119> my 00:46:05.349 --> 00:46:05.359 align:start position:0% just last week I sent an email out to my 00:46:05.359 --> 00:46:08.550 align:start position:0% just last week I sent an email out to my publishers<00:46:06.160> here<00:46:06.480> and<00:46:07.440> overseas<00:46:08.000> and<00:46:08.240> to<00:46:08.400> my 00:46:08.550 --> 00:46:08.560 align:start position:0% publishers here and overseas and to my 00:46:08.560 --> 00:46:10.550 align:start position:0% publishers here and overseas and to my agent<00:46:08.960> and<00:46:09.200> and<00:46:09.599> all<00:46:09.760> the<00:46:09.920> people<00:46:10.079> involved<00:46:10.400> in 00:46:10.550 --> 00:46:10.560 align:start position:0% agent and and all the people involved in 00:46:10.560 --> 00:46:12.069 align:start position:0% agent and and all the people involved in in<00:46:10.800> the<00:46:10.960> production<00:46:11.200> of<00:46:11.359> this<00:46:11.520> book<00:46:11.680> and<00:46:11.920> I 00:46:12.069 --> 00:46:12.079 align:start position:0% in the production of this book and I 00:46:12.079 --> 00:46:15.750 align:start position:0% in the production of this book and I just<00:46:12.240> said<00:46:13.119> um,<00:46:13.760> hey,<00:46:14.000> listen<00:46:14.480> in<00:46:15.359> I<00:46:15.599> have 00:46:15.750 --> 00:46:15.760 align:start position:0% just said um, hey, listen in I have 00:46:15.760 --> 00:46:18.069 align:start position:0% just said um, hey, listen in I have worked<00:46:16.000> so<00:46:16.240> hard<00:46:16.319> for<00:46:16.560> my<00:46:16.720> serenity<00:46:17.520> and<00:46:17.839> I 00:46:18.069 --> 00:46:18.079 align:start position:0% worked so hard for my serenity and I 00:46:18.079 --> 00:46:18.870 align:start position:0% worked so hard for my serenity and I have<00:46:18.240> it. 00:46:18.870 --> 00:46:18.880 align:start position:0% have it. 00:46:18.880 --> 00:46:21.670 align:start position:0% have it. >> Yeah.<00:46:19.520> just<00:46:19.839> for<00:46:20.000> today.<00:46:20.880> Like<00:46:21.119> my<00:46:21.280> life<00:46:21.440> is 00:46:21.670 --> 00:46:21.680 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. just for today. Like my life is 00:46:21.680 --> 00:46:24.069 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. just for today. Like my life is really<00:46:21.920> serene.<00:46:22.640> In<00:46:22.880> the<00:46:23.040> interest<00:46:23.440> of 00:46:24.069 --> 00:46:24.079 align:start position:0% really serene. In the interest of 00:46:24.079 --> 00:46:26.470 align:start position:0% really serene. In the interest of safeguarding<00:46:24.720> that<00:46:24.960> precious,<00:46:26.000> priceless 00:46:26.470 --> 00:46:26.480 align:start position:0% safeguarding that precious, priceless 00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:27.829 align:start position:0% safeguarding that precious, priceless serenity, 00:46:27.829 --> 00:46:27.839 align:start position:0% serenity, 00:46:27.839 --> 00:46:31.270 align:start position:0% serenity, >> I<00:46:28.160> don't<00:46:28.240> need<00:46:28.400> to<00:46:28.560> hear<00:46:29.200> about<00:46:29.680> any<00:46:30.160> reviews. 00:46:31.270 --> 00:46:31.280 align:start position:0% >> I don't need to hear about any reviews. 00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:33.109 align:start position:0% >> I don't need to hear about any reviews. >> Wow.<00:46:32.160> I<00:46:32.480> love<00:46:32.640> that. 00:46:33.109 --> 00:46:33.119 align:start position:0% >> Wow. I love that. 00:46:33.119 --> 00:46:35.510 align:start position:0% >> Wow. I love that. >> Like,<00:46:33.599> not<00:46:33.760> the<00:46:33.920> good,<00:46:34.240> not<00:46:34.400> the<00:46:34.720> good<00:46:34.880> ones<00:46:35.280> or 00:46:35.510 --> 00:46:35.520 align:start position:0% >> Like, not the good, not the good ones or 00:46:35.520 --> 00:46:38.870 align:start position:0% >> Like, not the good, not the good ones or the<00:46:35.680> bad<00:46:35.920> ones<00:46:36.319> because<00:46:37.119> I've<00:46:37.520> worked<00:46:37.839> so<00:46:38.160> hard 00:46:38.870 --> 00:46:38.880 align:start position:0% the bad ones because I've worked so hard 00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:41.750 align:start position:0% the bad ones because I've worked so hard to<00:46:39.200> not<00:46:39.760> look<00:46:40.160> into<00:46:40.480> your<00:46:40.800> eyes<00:46:41.040> to<00:46:41.280> see<00:46:41.359> if<00:46:41.520> I'm 00:46:41.750 --> 00:46:41.760 align:start position:0% to not look into your eyes to see if I'm 00:46:41.760 --> 00:46:42.950 align:start position:0% to not look into your eyes to see if I'm okay. 00:46:42.950 --> 00:46:42.960 align:start position:0% okay. 00:46:42.960 --> 00:46:45.349 align:start position:0% okay. >> Um,<00:46:43.280> and<00:46:43.520> to<00:46:43.760> not<00:46:44.079> take<00:46:44.240> a<00:46:44.480> survey.<00:46:44.960> We<00:46:45.200> call<00:46:45.280> it 00:46:45.349 --> 00:46:45.359 align:start position:0% >> Um, and to not take a survey. We call it 00:46:45.359 --> 00:46:46.870 align:start position:0% >> Um, and to not take a survey. We call it a<00:46:45.599> monkey<00:46:45.839> survey.<00:46:46.240> My<00:46:46.400> friends<00:46:46.560> and<00:46:46.640> I<00:46:46.800> call 00:46:46.870 --> 00:46:46.880 align:start position:0% a monkey survey. My friends and I call 00:46:46.880 --> 00:46:48.550 align:start position:0% a monkey survey. My friends and I call it a<00:46:46.960> monkey<00:46:47.200> survey.<00:46:47.920> asking<00:46:48.319> all<00:46:48.400> the 00:46:48.550 --> 00:46:48.560 align:start position:0% it a monkey survey. asking all the 00:46:48.560 --> 00:46:49.910 align:start position:0% it a monkey survey. asking all the monkeys<00:46:48.880> in<00:46:49.040> the<00:46:49.119> room<00:46:49.280> if<00:46:49.440> they<00:46:49.599> approve<00:46:49.760> of 00:46:49.910 --> 00:46:49.920 align:start position:0% monkeys in the room if they approve of 00:46:49.920 --> 00:46:52.790 align:start position:0% monkeys in the room if they approve of me.<00:46:50.400> Like<00:46:50.880> I've<00:46:51.119> worked<00:46:51.359> so<00:46:51.680> hard<00:46:52.079> to<00:46:52.319> not<00:46:52.560> do 00:46:52.790 --> 00:46:52.800 align:start position:0% me. Like I've worked so hard to not do 00:46:52.800 --> 00:46:56.150 align:start position:0% me. Like I've worked so hard to not do that.<00:46:54.000> That<00:46:54.240> with<00:46:54.560> this<00:46:54.720> book<00:46:55.040> especially,<00:46:55.920> I 00:46:56.150 --> 00:46:56.160 align:start position:0% that. That with this book especially, I 00:46:56.160 --> 00:46:58.309 align:start position:0% that. That with this book especially, I think<00:46:56.240> it's<00:46:56.560> really<00:46:56.800> important<00:46:57.119> to<00:46:57.440> not<00:46:58.079> be 00:46:58.309 --> 00:46:58.319 align:start position:0% think it's really important to not be 00:46:58.319 --> 00:46:59.990 align:start position:0% think it's really important to not be asking<00:46:58.640> the<00:46:58.880> world,<00:46:59.119> is<00:46:59.280> it<00:46:59.440> okay<00:46:59.599> that<00:46:59.839> I 00:46:59.990 --> 00:47:00.000 align:start position:0% asking the world, is it okay that I 00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:01.190 align:start position:0% asking the world, is it okay that I wrote<00:47:00.160> this<00:47:00.400> book? 00:47:01.190 --> 00:47:01.200 align:start position:0% wrote this book? 00:47:01.200 --> 00:47:03.589 align:start position:0% wrote this book? >> I<00:47:01.440> want<00:47:01.599> to<00:47:01.760> end<00:47:01.920> on<00:47:02.160> something<00:47:02.800> Rehea<00:47:03.280> said.<00:47:03.440> I 00:47:03.589 --> 00:47:03.599 align:start position:0% >> I want to end on something Rehea said. I 00:47:03.599 --> 00:47:06.390 align:start position:0% >> I want to end on something Rehea said. I feel<00:47:03.680> like<00:47:03.839> it<00:47:03.920> it<00:47:04.000> it<00:47:04.720> goes<00:47:04.960> along<00:47:05.280> with<00:47:06.079> what 00:47:06.390 --> 00:47:06.400 align:start position:0% feel like it it it goes along with what 00:47:06.400 --> 00:47:08.470 align:start position:0% feel like it it it goes along with what you're<00:47:06.640> sharing.<00:47:07.440> You<00:47:07.680> quote<00:47:08.000> her<00:47:08.160> as<00:47:08.319> saying, 00:47:08.470 --> 00:47:08.480 align:start position:0% you're sharing. You quote her as saying, 00:47:08.480 --> 00:47:12.630 align:start position:0% you're sharing. You quote her as saying, "The<00:47:08.800> truth<00:47:09.200> has<00:47:09.440> legs.<00:47:10.400> It<00:47:10.640> always<00:47:11.040> stands." 00:47:12.630 --> 00:47:12.640 align:start position:0% "The truth has legs. It always stands." 00:47:12.640 --> 00:47:16.309 align:start position:0% "The truth has legs. It always stands." What<00:47:12.880> is<00:47:14.319> one<00:47:14.640> truth<00:47:15.040> that<00:47:15.359> stands<00:47:15.680> for<00:47:15.920> you<00:47:16.160> at 00:47:16.309 --> 00:47:16.319 align:start position:0% What is one truth that stands for you at 00:47:16.319 --> 00:47:20.470 align:start position:0% What is one truth that stands for you at the<00:47:16.480> end<00:47:16.560> of<00:47:16.720> all<00:47:16.880> of<00:47:17.040> this? 00:47:20.470 --> 00:47:20.480 align:start position:0% 00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:23.190 align:start position:0% >> I<00:47:20.720> will<00:47:20.960> never<00:47:21.359> be<00:47:21.680> happy<00:47:22.160> unless<00:47:22.480> I<00:47:22.800> take 00:47:23.190 --> 00:47:23.200 align:start position:0% >> I will never be happy unless I take 00:47:23.200 --> 00:47:26.390 align:start position:0% >> I will never be happy unless I take complete<00:47:24.560> self-accountability<00:47:25.760> for<00:47:26.079> my<00:47:26.240> own 00:47:26.390 --> 00:47:26.400 align:start position:0% complete self-accountability for my own 00:47:26.400 --> 00:47:30.470 align:start position:0% complete self-accountability for my own life.<00:47:27.760> And<00:47:28.800> I<00:47:29.040> can<00:47:29.200> trick<00:47:29.599> myself<00:47:30.079> into 00:47:30.470 --> 00:47:30.480 align:start position:0% life. And I can trick myself into 00:47:30.480 --> 00:47:32.950 align:start position:0% life. And I can trick myself into thinking<00:47:31.200> that 00:47:32.950 --> 00:47:32.960 align:start position:0% thinking that 00:47:32.960 --> 00:47:34.630 align:start position:0% thinking that somebody<00:47:33.359> else<00:47:33.520> is<00:47:33.760> accountable<00:47:34.160> for<00:47:34.319> my<00:47:34.480> life 00:47:34.630 --> 00:47:34.640 align:start position:0% somebody else is accountable for my life 00:47:34.640 --> 00:47:36.790 align:start position:0% somebody else is accountable for my life or<00:47:34.880> should<00:47:35.040> be. 00:47:36.790 --> 00:47:36.800 align:start position:0% or should be. 00:47:36.800 --> 00:47:38.630 align:start position:0% or should be. and 00:47:38.630 --> 00:47:38.640 align:start position:0% and 00:47:38.640 --> 00:47:40.390 align:start position:0% and my<00:47:38.960> life<00:47:39.119> and<00:47:39.359> the<00:47:39.520> universe<00:47:39.839> have<00:47:40.000> given<00:47:40.240> me 00:47:40.390 --> 00:47:40.400 align:start position:0% my life and the universe have given me 00:47:40.400 --> 00:47:41.990 align:start position:0% my life and the universe have given me lots<00:47:40.640> of<00:47:40.800> opportunities<00:47:41.280> to<00:47:41.520> try<00:47:41.680> to<00:47:41.839> make 00:47:41.990 --> 00:47:42.000 align:start position:0% lots of opportunities to try to make 00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:44.630 align:start position:0% lots of opportunities to try to make other<00:47:42.240> people<00:47:42.560> accountable<00:47:43.040> for<00:47:43.280> my 00:47:44.630 --> 00:47:44.640 align:start position:0% other people accountable for my 00:47:44.640 --> 00:47:46.870 align:start position:0% other people accountable for my >> like<00:47:45.119> just<00:47:45.359> oh<00:47:45.599> yeah<00:47:45.839> go<00:47:46.000> try<00:47:46.160> that<00:47:46.480> go<00:47:46.720> try 00:47:46.870 --> 00:47:46.880 align:start position:0% >> like just oh yeah go try that go try 00:47:46.880 --> 00:47:48.230 align:start position:0% >> like just oh yeah go try that go try that<00:47:47.040> with<00:47:47.200> someone<00:47:47.359> else<00:47:47.680> go<00:47:47.839> try<00:47:47.920> it<00:47:48.079> with 00:47:48.230 --> 00:47:48.240 align:start position:0% that with someone else go try it with 00:47:48.240 --> 00:47:49.910 align:start position:0% that with someone else go try it with someone<00:47:48.400> else<00:47:48.560> go<00:47:48.720> try<00:47:48.880> it<00:47:48.960> with<00:47:49.119> someone<00:47:49.280> else 00:47:49.910 --> 00:47:49.920 align:start position:0% someone else go try it with someone else 00:47:49.920 --> 00:47:52.150 align:start position:0% someone else go try it with someone else but<00:47:50.480> for<00:47:50.800> the<00:47:50.960> first<00:47:51.200> time<00:47:51.280> in<00:47:51.520> my<00:47:51.680> life<00:47:51.920> for 00:47:52.150 --> 00:47:52.160 align:start position:0% but for the first time in my life for 00:47:52.160 --> 00:47:53.990 align:start position:0% but for the first time in my life for these<00:47:52.400> last<00:47:52.720> six<00:47:52.960> years 00:47:53.990 --> 00:47:54.000 align:start position:0% these last six years 00:47:54.000 --> 00:47:56.390 align:start position:0% these last six years >> I<00:47:54.160> have<00:47:54.400> become<00:47:54.960> a<00:47:55.280> responsible<00:47:55.839> steward<00:47:56.160> of 00:47:56.390 --> 00:47:56.400 align:start position:0% >> I have become a responsible steward of 00:47:56.400 --> 00:48:00.390 align:start position:0% >> I have become a responsible steward of my<00:47:56.560> own<00:47:56.720> life<00:47:57.520> and<00:47:57.760> that<00:47:58.400> feels 00:48:00.390 --> 00:48:00.400 align:start position:0% my own life and that feels 00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:04.150 align:start position:0% my own life and that feels really<00:48:01.440> beautiful<00:48:02.560> and<00:48:03.119> and<00:48:03.520> I<00:48:03.760> don't<00:48:03.920> think 00:48:04.150 --> 00:48:04.160 align:start position:0% really beautiful and and I don't think 00:48:04.160 --> 00:48:05.750 align:start position:0% really beautiful and and I don't think happiness<00:48:04.640> is<00:48:04.880> going<00:48:04.960> to<00:48:05.040> be<00:48:05.119> available<00:48:05.520> to<00:48:05.680> me 00:48:05.750 --> 00:48:05.760 align:start position:0% happiness is going to be available to me 00:48:05.760 --> 00:48:08.069 align:start position:0% happiness is going to be available to me if<00:48:06.000> I'm<00:48:06.160> not<00:48:06.400> doing<00:48:06.640> that.<00:48:07.040> Nothing<00:48:07.680> short<00:48:07.920> of 00:48:08.069 --> 00:48:08.079 align:start position:0% if I'm not doing that. Nothing short of 00:48:08.079 --> 00:48:11.589 align:start position:0% if I'm not doing that. Nothing short of that<00:48:08.319> is<00:48:08.640> going<00:48:08.800> to<00:48:08.880> make<00:48:09.040> me<00:48:09.280> happy. 00:48:11.589 --> 00:48:11.599 align:start position:0% that is going to make me happy. 00:48:11.599 --> 00:48:13.589 align:start position:0% that is going to make me happy. >> This<00:48:11.760> is<00:48:11.920> actually<00:48:12.079> my<00:48:12.240> real<00:48:12.480> final<00:48:12.720> question. 00:48:13.589 --> 00:48:13.599 align:start position:0% >> This is actually my real final question. 00:48:13.599 --> 00:48:16.150 align:start position:0% >> This is actually my real final question. Rehea<00:48:14.079> was<00:48:14.160> your<00:48:14.319> hairdresser.<00:48:15.760> What<00:48:15.920> would 00:48:16.150 --> 00:48:16.160 align:start position:0% Rehea was your hairdresser. What would 00:48:16.160 --> 00:48:17.190 align:start position:0% Rehea was your hairdresser. What would she<00:48:16.319> say<00:48:16.400> about<00:48:16.560> the<00:48:16.720> hair<00:48:16.960> now? 00:48:17.190 --> 00:48:17.200 align:start position:0% she say about the hair now? 00:48:17.200 --> 00:48:20.069 align:start position:0% she say about the hair now? >> Oh<00:48:17.280> my<00:48:17.359> god.<00:48:17.520> She<00:48:17.680> would<00:48:17.760> hate<00:48:17.920> it. 00:48:20.069 --> 00:48:20.079 align:start position:0% >> Oh my god. She would hate it. 00:48:20.079 --> 00:48:21.990 align:start position:0% >> Oh my god. She would hate it. >> She<00:48:20.319> would<00:48:20.400> hate<00:48:20.640> it.<00:48:20.880> I<00:48:21.119> almost<00:48:21.520> did<00:48:21.680> this. 00:48:21.990 --> 00:48:22.000 align:start position:0% >> She would hate it. I almost did this. 00:48:22.000 --> 00:48:23.109 align:start position:0% >> She would hate it. I almost did this. >> I<00:48:22.240> think<00:48:22.319> it<00:48:22.400> looks<00:48:22.640> great. 00:48:23.109 --> 00:48:23.119 align:start position:0% >> I think it looks great. 00:48:23.119 --> 00:48:25.109 align:start position:0% >> I think it looks great. >> Thank<00:48:23.200> you.<00:48:23.440> I<00:48:23.599> love<00:48:23.760> it.<00:48:24.000> And<00:48:24.240> that's<00:48:24.480> also 00:48:25.109 --> 00:48:25.119 align:start position:0% >> Thank you. I love it. And that's also 00:48:25.119 --> 00:48:27.349 align:start position:0% >> Thank you. I love it. And that's also the<00:48:25.280> fact<00:48:25.760> like<00:48:26.000> the<00:48:26.160> fact<00:48:26.240> that<00:48:26.480> I<00:48:26.640> love<00:48:26.880> it<00:48:27.040> is 00:48:27.349 --> 00:48:27.359 align:start position:0% the fact like the fact that I love it is 00:48:27.359 --> 00:48:30.630 align:start position:0% the fact like the fact that I love it is also<00:48:27.680> very<00:48:28.000> important<00:48:28.800> because<00:48:30.160> uh<00:48:30.240> a<00:48:30.480> lot<00:48:30.559> of 00:48:30.630 --> 00:48:30.640 align:start position:0% also very important because uh a lot of 00:48:30.640 --> 00:48:33.190 align:start position:0% also very important because uh a lot of people<00:48:30.880> don't.<00:48:31.520> Um<00:48:31.839> but<00:48:32.079> I<00:48:32.319> do.<00:48:32.640> And<00:48:32.880> I<00:48:33.040> do 00:48:33.190 --> 00:48:33.200 align:start position:0% people don't. Um but I do. And I do 00:48:33.200 --> 00:48:34.470 align:start position:0% people don't. Um but I do. And I do remember<00:48:33.440> there<00:48:33.599> was<00:48:33.760> one<00:48:33.920> commenter<00:48:34.319> you 00:48:34.470 --> 00:48:34.480 align:start position:0% remember there was one commenter you 00:48:34.480 --> 00:48:36.069 align:start position:0% remember there was one commenter you talked<00:48:34.640> about<00:48:34.800> who<00:48:35.040> said,<00:48:35.359> "Why<00:48:35.680> you<00:48:35.839> bald 00:48:36.069 --> 00:48:36.079 align:start position:0% talked about who said, "Why you bald 00:48:36.079 --> 00:48:36.309 align:start position:0% talked about who said, "Why you bald though?" 00:48:36.309 --> 00:48:36.319 align:start position:0% though?" 00:48:36.319 --> 00:48:37.670 align:start position:0% though?" >> "Why<00:48:36.480> do<00:48:36.559> you<00:48:36.640> want<00:48:36.720> to<00:48:36.800> be<00:48:36.960> bald<00:48:37.200> though?" 00:48:37.670 --> 00:48:37.680 align:start position:0% >> "Why do you want to be bald though?" 00:48:37.680 --> 00:48:38.309 align:start position:0% >> "Why do you want to be bald though?" Somebody<00:48:38.000> said, 00:48:38.309 --> 00:48:38.319 align:start position:0% Somebody said, 00:48:38.319 --> 00:48:39.750 align:start position:0% Somebody said, >> "Maybe<00:48:38.800> because<00:48:39.040> it's<00:48:39.280> like<00:48:39.520> so 00:48:39.750 --> 00:48:39.760 align:start position:0% >> "Maybe because it's like so 00:48:39.760 --> 00:48:42.230 align:start position:0% >> "Maybe because it's like so >> why<00:48:40.000> you<00:48:40.079> want<00:48:40.240> to<00:48:40.319> be<00:48:40.400> bald<00:48:40.720> though?"<00:48:41.359> I<00:48:42.000> love 00:48:42.230 --> 00:48:42.240 align:start position:0% >> why you want to be bald though?" I love 00:48:42.240 --> 00:48:42.549 align:start position:0% >> why you want to be bald though?" I love it. 00:48:42.549 --> 00:48:42.559 align:start position:0% it. 00:48:42.559 --> 00:48:43.910 align:start position:0% it. >> I<00:48:42.720> mean,<00:48:42.800> what's<00:48:43.040> your<00:48:43.200> hairare<00:48:43.520> routine? 00:48:43.910 --> 00:48:43.920 align:start position:0% >> I mean, what's your hairare routine? 00:48:43.920 --> 00:48:46.230 align:start position:0% >> I mean, what's your hairare routine? >> I<00:48:44.079> almost<00:48:44.400> It's<00:48:44.640> I<00:48:44.960> shave<00:48:45.200> my<00:48:45.359> head.<00:48:45.680> I<00:48:45.839> I<00:48:46.160> have 00:48:46.230 --> 00:48:46.240 align:start position:0% >> I almost It's I shave my head. I I have 00:48:46.240 --> 00:48:49.349 align:start position:0% >> I almost It's I shave my head. I I have clippers<00:48:46.640> and<00:48:46.720> I<00:48:46.880> clip<00:48:47.119> my<00:48:47.280> head<00:48:47.760> once<00:48:48.000> a<00:48:48.160> week. 00:48:49.349 --> 00:48:49.359 align:start position:0% clippers and I clip my head once a week. 00:48:49.359 --> 00:48:52.230 align:start position:0% clippers and I clip my head once a week. Um<00:48:50.400> this<00:48:50.640> is<00:48:50.800> a<00:48:51.040> whole<00:48:51.440> radical<00:48:52.000> new 00:48:52.230 --> 00:48:52.240 align:start position:0% Um this is a whole radical new 00:48:52.240 --> 00:48:53.829 align:start position:0% Um this is a whole radical new transformation<00:48:52.800> of<00:48:53.040> consciousness<00:48:53.520> for<00:48:53.680> me 00:48:53.829 --> 00:48:53.839 align:start position:0% transformation of consciousness for me 00:48:53.839 --> 00:48:56.230 align:start position:0% transformation of consciousness for me where<00:48:54.000> it's<00:48:54.160> like,<00:48:54.240> "Oh,<00:48:54.559> wait<00:48:54.720> a<00:48:54.880> minute.<00:48:55.920> I 00:48:56.230 --> 00:48:56.240 align:start position:0% where it's like, "Oh, wait a minute. I 00:48:56.240 --> 00:48:59.510 align:start position:0% where it's like, "Oh, wait a minute. I don't<00:48:57.359> I<00:48:57.680> am<00:48:57.920> not<00:48:58.319> for<00:48:58.960> you." 00:48:59.510 --> 00:48:59.520 align:start position:0% don't I am not for you." 00:48:59.520 --> 00:49:02.470 align:start position:0% don't I am not for you." >> Yeah.<00:49:00.000> Like<00:49:00.240> I<00:49:00.480> do<00:49:00.720> not<00:49:00.960> exist 00:49:02.470 --> 00:49:02.480 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Like I do not exist 00:49:02.480 --> 00:49:04.549 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. Like I do not exist as<00:49:02.800> a<00:49:03.040> thing<00:49:03.760> for<00:49:04.079> you. 00:49:04.549 --> 00:49:04.559 align:start position:0% as a thing for you. 00:49:04.559 --> 00:49:06.549 align:start position:0% as a thing for you. >> I<00:49:04.720> know,<00:49:04.960> but<00:49:05.280> to<00:49:05.680> want<00:49:05.839> to<00:49:06.079> look<00:49:06.240> at. 00:49:06.549 --> 00:49:06.559 align:start position:0% >> I know, but to want to look at. 00:49:06.559 --> 00:49:08.069 align:start position:0% >> I know, but to want to look at. >> But<00:49:06.720> you<00:49:06.880> look<00:49:07.040> great.<00:49:07.280> You<00:49:07.599> think<00:49:07.839> you<00:49:08.000> have<00:49:08.000> a 00:49:08.069 --> 00:49:08.079 align:start position:0% >> But you look great. You think you have a 00:49:08.079 --> 00:49:10.150 align:start position:0% >> But you look great. You think you have a look<00:49:08.240> great<00:49:08.480> head<00:49:08.720> shape<00:49:09.040> and<00:49:09.280> that's<00:49:09.839> We<00:49:10.079> can 00:49:10.150 --> 00:49:10.160 align:start position:0% look great head shape and that's We can 00:49:10.160 --> 00:49:11.750 align:start position:0% look great head shape and that's We can talk<00:49:10.319> about<00:49:10.480> this<00:49:10.640> offline,<00:49:11.119> but<00:49:11.359> I'm<00:49:11.520> worried 00:49:11.750 --> 00:49:11.760 align:start position:0% talk about this offline, but I'm worried 00:49:11.760 --> 00:49:13.109 align:start position:0% talk about this offline, but I'm worried about<00:49:11.920> my<00:49:12.160> own<00:49:12.240> head<00:49:12.480> shape.<00:49:12.720> So,<00:49:12.880> I<00:49:12.960> really 00:49:13.109 --> 00:49:13.119 align:start position:0% about my own head shape. So, I really 00:49:13.119 --> 00:49:13.589 align:start position:0% about my own head shape. So, I really admire<00:49:13.359> you. 00:49:13.589 --> 00:49:13.599 align:start position:0% admire you. 00:49:13.599 --> 00:49:14.390 align:start position:0% admire you. >> We're<00:49:13.680> going<00:49:13.760> to<00:49:13.839> talk<00:49:13.920> about<00:49:14.079> this<00:49:14.240> right 00:49:14.390 --> 00:49:14.400 align:start position:0% >> We're going to talk about this right 00:49:14.400 --> 00:49:14.710 align:start position:0% >> We're going to talk about this right now, 00:49:14.710 --> 00:49:14.720 align:start position:0% now, 00:49:14.720 --> 00:49:15.109 align:start position:0% now, >> okay? 00:49:15.109 --> 00:49:15.119 align:start position:0% >> okay? 00:49:15.119 --> 00:49:16.549 align:start position:0% >> okay? >> Because<00:49:15.359> this<00:49:15.520> is<00:49:15.680> extremely<00:49:16.079> important. 00:49:16.549 --> 00:49:16.559 align:start position:0% >> Because this is extremely important. 00:49:16.559 --> 00:49:17.510 align:start position:0% >> Because this is extremely important. >> Please. 00:49:17.510 --> 00:49:17.520 align:start position:0% >> Please. 00:49:17.520 --> 00:49:18.470 align:start position:0% >> Please. >> I<00:49:17.599> think<00:49:17.680> I<00:49:17.760> have<00:49:17.839> a<00:49:17.920> bump. 00:49:18.470 --> 00:49:18.480 align:start position:0% >> I think I have a bump. 00:49:18.480 --> 00:49:20.150 align:start position:0% >> I think I have a bump. >> I<00:49:18.640> didn't<00:49:18.800> do<00:49:18.960> this<00:49:19.119> for<00:49:19.280> years<00:49:19.599> because<00:49:19.839> I<00:49:20.079> was 00:49:20.150 --> 00:49:20.160 align:start position:0% >> I didn't do this for years because I was 00:49:20.160 --> 00:49:21.270 align:start position:0% >> I didn't do this for years because I was like,<00:49:20.319> I<00:49:20.480> don't<00:49:20.559> have<00:49:20.640> the<00:49:20.800> right<00:49:20.960> shaped 00:49:21.270 --> 00:49:21.280 align:start position:0% like, I don't have the right shaped 00:49:21.280 --> 00:49:21.990 align:start position:0% like, I don't have the right shaped head. 00:49:21.990 --> 00:49:22.000 align:start position:0% head. 00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:23.750 align:start position:0% head. >> And<00:49:22.400> that<00:49:22.720> stopped<00:49:23.040> me<00:49:23.119> from<00:49:23.280> doing<00:49:23.440> this<00:49:23.599> for 00:49:23.750 --> 00:49:23.760 align:start position:0% >> And that stopped me from doing this for 00:49:23.760 --> 00:49:25.349 align:start position:0% >> And that stopped me from doing this for a<00:49:23.920> long<00:49:24.079> time.<00:49:24.240> And<00:49:24.400> then<00:49:24.559> when<00:49:24.720> I<00:49:24.880> did<00:49:24.960> it,<00:49:25.119> I 00:49:25.349 --> 00:49:25.359 align:start position:0% a long time. And then when I did it, I 00:49:25.359 --> 00:49:26.390 align:start position:0% a long time. And then when I did it, I was<00:49:25.440> like, 00:49:26.390 --> 00:49:26.400 align:start position:0% was like, 00:49:26.400 --> 00:49:29.670 align:start position:0% was like, >> I<00:49:26.559> actually<00:49:26.800> really<00:49:27.119> love<00:49:27.359> this.<00:49:28.559> actually 00:49:29.670 --> 00:49:29.680 align:start position:0% >> I actually really love this. actually 00:49:29.680 --> 00:49:30.870 align:start position:0% >> I actually really love this. actually actually<00:49:30.000> really<00:49:30.240> love<00:49:30.319> that.<00:49:30.559> Someone<00:49:30.800> gave 00:49:30.870 --> 00:49:30.880 align:start position:0% actually really love that. Someone gave 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:31.829 align:start position:0% actually really love that. Someone gave me<00:49:30.960> the<00:49:31.040> Clippers<00:49:31.359> now.<00:49:31.599> Gave<00:49:31.680> me<00:49:31.760> the 00:49:31.829 --> 00:49:31.839 align:start position:0% me the Clippers now. Gave me the 00:49:31.839 --> 00:49:33.190 align:start position:0% me the Clippers now. Gave me the clippers.<00:49:32.079> Let's<00:49:32.240> go<00:49:32.319> to<00:49:32.480> the<00:49:32.559> bathroom.<00:49:33.040> The 00:49:33.190 --> 00:49:33.200 align:start position:0% clippers. Let's go to the bathroom. The 00:49:33.200 --> 00:49:34.309 align:start position:0% clippers. Let's go to the bathroom. The New<00:49:33.359> York<00:49:33.440> Times<00:49:33.680> going. 00:49:34.309 --> 00:49:34.319 align:start position:0% New York Times going. 00:49:34.319 --> 00:49:36.309 align:start position:0% New York Times going. >> It's<00:49:34.559> so<00:49:34.800> good.<00:49:35.040> And<00:49:35.280> all<00:49:35.520> I<00:49:35.680> want<00:49:35.839> is<00:49:36.000> to<00:49:36.160> be 00:49:36.309 --> 00:49:36.319 align:start position:0% >> It's so good. And all I want is to be 00:49:36.319 --> 00:49:37.109 align:start position:0% >> It's so good. And all I want is to be free. 00:49:37.109 --> 00:49:37.119 align:start position:0% free. 00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:39.349 align:start position:0% free. >> And<00:49:37.359> I<00:49:37.599> don't<00:49:37.839> want<00:49:37.920> to<00:49:38.319> like<00:49:38.720> nothing<00:49:39.119> about 00:49:39.349 --> 00:49:39.359 align:start position:0% >> And I don't want to like nothing about 00:49:39.359 --> 00:49:42.390 align:start position:0% >> And I don't want to like nothing about the<00:49:39.599> way<00:49:39.760> that<00:49:39.920> I<00:49:40.319> present<00:49:40.720> myself<00:49:41.119> anymore<00:49:42.079> is 00:49:42.390 --> 00:49:42.400 align:start position:0% the way that I present myself anymore is 00:49:42.400 --> 00:49:44.069 align:start position:0% the way that I present myself anymore is like, 00:49:44.069 --> 00:49:44.079 align:start position:0% like, 00:49:44.079 --> 00:49:45.349 align:start position:0% like, >> you<00:49:44.160> know,<00:49:44.319> there's<00:49:44.480> a<00:49:44.559> line,<00:49:44.720> it's<00:49:45.119> Eat, 00:49:45.349 --> 00:49:45.359 align:start position:0% >> you know, there's a line, it's Eat, 00:49:45.359 --> 00:49:46.309 align:start position:0% >> you know, there's a line, it's Eat, Pray,<00:49:45.520> Love.<00:49:45.680> They<00:49:45.839> even<00:49:46.000> put<00:49:46.079> it<00:49:46.160> in<00:49:46.240> the 00:49:46.309 --> 00:49:46.319 align:start position:0% Pray, Love. They even put it in the 00:49:46.319 --> 00:49:47.430 align:start position:0% Pray, Love. They even put it in the movie.<00:49:46.480> It<00:49:46.559> was<00:49:46.640> in<00:49:46.720> the<00:49:46.800> book<00:49:46.960> and<00:49:47.119> the<00:49:47.280> movie 00:49:47.430 --> 00:49:47.440 align:start position:0% movie. It was in the book and the movie 00:49:47.440 --> 00:49:48.870 align:start position:0% movie. It was in the book and the movie where<00:49:47.760> a<00:49:47.920> friend<00:49:48.160> said<00:49:48.319> to<00:49:48.400> me,<00:49:48.559> this<00:49:48.720> should 00:49:48.870 --> 00:49:48.880 align:start position:0% where a friend said to me, this should 00:49:48.880 --> 00:49:51.190 align:start position:0% where a friend said to me, this should have<00:49:48.960> been<00:49:49.040> a<00:49:49.200> warning<00:49:49.760> 20<00:49:50.079> years<00:49:50.240> ago,<00:49:50.800> 25 00:49:51.190 --> 00:49:51.200 align:start position:0% have been a warning 20 years ago, 25 00:49:51.200 --> 00:49:53.030 align:start position:0% have been a warning 20 years ago, 25 years<00:49:51.280> ago.<00:49:51.680> They<00:49:51.920> were<00:49:52.000> like,<00:49:52.400> "Hey,<00:49:52.720> Liz, 00:49:53.030 --> 00:49:53.040 align:start position:0% years ago. They were like, "Hey, Liz, 00:49:53.040 --> 00:49:54.309 align:start position:0% years ago. They were like, "Hey, Liz, you<00:49:53.119> know<00:49:53.200> how<00:49:53.359> some<00:49:53.599> people<00:49:53.839> start<00:49:54.000> to<00:49:54.160> look 00:49:54.309 --> 00:49:54.319 align:start position:0% you know how some people start to look 00:49:54.319 --> 00:49:55.589 align:start position:0% you know how some people start to look like<00:49:54.480> their<00:49:54.720> dogs? 00:49:55.589 --> 00:49:55.599 align:start position:0% like their dogs? 00:49:55.599 --> 00:49:56.950 align:start position:0% like their dogs? >> You<00:49:55.839> always<00:49:56.079> look<00:49:56.240> like<00:49:56.400> whoever<00:49:56.800> you're 00:49:56.950 --> 00:49:56.960 align:start position:0% >> You always look like whoever you're 00:49:56.960 --> 00:50:00.150 align:start position:0% >> You always look like whoever you're dating.<00:49:58.000> cuz<00:49:58.160> I<00:49:58.400> would<00:49:58.559> change<00:49:59.040> I<00:49:59.200> would<00:49:59.920> I 00:50:00.150 --> 00:50:00.160 align:start position:0% dating. cuz I would change I would I 00:50:00.160 --> 00:50:02.069 align:start position:0% dating. cuz I would change I would I would<00:50:00.319> change<00:50:00.559> my<00:50:00.800> entire<00:50:01.119> way<00:50:01.200> I<00:50:01.440> dressed,<00:50:01.839> my 00:50:02.069 --> 00:50:02.079 align:start position:0% would change my entire way I dressed, my 00:50:02.079 --> 00:50:04.230 align:start position:0% would change my entire way I dressed, my entire<00:50:02.319> way<00:50:02.400> I<00:50:02.480> looked<00:50:02.800> like 00:50:04.230 --> 00:50:04.240 align:start position:0% entire way I looked like 00:50:04.240 --> 00:50:07.270 align:start position:0% entire way I looked like >> and<00:50:04.480> I<00:50:04.880> it<00:50:05.119> took<00:50:05.359> me<00:50:05.599> all<00:50:05.920> these<00:50:06.160> years<00:50:06.800> to<00:50:07.119> be 00:50:07.270 --> 00:50:07.280 align:start position:0% >> and I it took me all these years to be 00:50:07.280 --> 00:50:11.030 align:start position:0% >> and I it took me all these years to be like<00:50:08.079> what<00:50:08.319> do<00:50:08.480> I<00:50:08.720> like<00:50:09.920> like<00:50:10.400> what<00:50:10.559> how<00:50:10.800> do<00:50:10.880> I 00:50:11.030 --> 00:50:11.040 align:start position:0% like what do I like like what how do I 00:50:11.040 --> 00:50:11.910 align:start position:0% like what do I like like what how do I like<00:50:11.200> to<00:50:11.440> dress? 00:50:11.910 --> 00:50:11.920 align:start position:0% like to dress? 00:50:11.920 --> 00:50:12.549 align:start position:0% like to dress? >> Yeah. 00:50:12.549 --> 00:50:12.559 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. 00:50:12.559 --> 00:50:15.589 align:start position:0% >> Yeah. >> And<00:50:13.440> how<00:50:13.680> do<00:50:13.760> I<00:50:14.000> like<00:50:14.160> my<00:50:14.400> hair?<00:50:14.960> And<00:50:15.119> and<00:50:15.440> it's 00:50:15.589 --> 00:50:15.599 align:start position:0% >> And how do I like my hair? And and it's 00:50:15.599 --> 00:50:17.270 align:start position:0% >> And how do I like my hair? And and it's like<00:50:15.839> wait<00:50:16.079> I<00:50:16.240> actually<00:50:16.559> don't<00:50:16.800> want<00:50:16.880> to<00:50:17.040> ever 00:50:17.270 --> 00:50:17.280 align:start position:0% like wait I actually don't want to ever 00:50:17.280 --> 00:50:20.630 align:start position:0% like wait I actually don't want to ever wear<00:50:17.520> makeup<00:50:17.839> again<00:50:18.480> like<00:50:18.640> ever.<00:50:19.680> Um<00:50:20.240> but<00:50:20.480> I 00:50:20.630 --> 00:50:20.640 align:start position:0% wear makeup again like ever. Um but I 00:50:20.640 --> 00:50:21.990 align:start position:0% wear makeup again like ever. Um but I want<00:50:20.720> to<00:50:20.880> wear<00:50:20.960> a<00:50:21.119> ton<00:50:21.280> of<00:50:21.359> bracelets<00:50:21.760> and<00:50:21.920> have 00:50:21.990 --> 00:50:22.000 align:start position:0% want to wear a ton of bracelets and have 00:50:22.000 --> 00:50:23.750 align:start position:0% want to wear a ton of bracelets and have a<00:50:22.160> shaved<00:50:22.400> head.<00:50:22.800> Apparently<00:50:23.200> this<00:50:23.359> is<00:50:23.440> what<00:50:23.599> I 00:50:23.750 --> 00:50:23.760 align:start position:0% a shaved head. Apparently this is what I 00:50:23.760 --> 00:50:24.230 align:start position:0% a shaved head. Apparently this is what I like. 00:50:24.230 --> 00:50:24.240 align:start position:0% like. 00:50:24.240 --> 00:50:26.390 align:start position:0% like. >> The<00:50:24.400> look<00:50:24.559> is<00:50:24.800> working.<00:50:25.119> Again,<00:50:25.920> not<00:50:26.079> that<00:50:26.240> you 00:50:26.390 --> 00:50:26.400 align:start position:0% >> The look is working. Again, not that you 00:50:26.400 --> 00:50:28.630 align:start position:0% >> The look is working. Again, not that you care<00:50:26.640> what<00:50:26.880> I<00:50:26.960> think<00:50:27.200> cuz<00:50:27.520> no<00:50:27.839> lava,<00:50:28.319> whatever, 00:50:28.630 --> 00:50:28.640 align:start position:0% care what I think cuz no lava, whatever, 00:50:28.640 --> 00:50:30.230 align:start position:0% care what I think cuz no lava, whatever, but<00:50:28.960> I'm<00:50:29.200> just<00:50:29.359> telling<00:50:29.520> you<00:50:29.680> the<00:50:29.920> look<00:50:30.079> is 00:50:30.230 --> 00:50:30.240 align:start position:0% but I'm just telling you the look is 00:50:30.240 --> 00:50:31.750 align:start position:0% but I'm just telling you the look is working.<00:50:30.640> All<00:50:30.640> right.<00:50:30.960> So,<00:50:31.200> I'm<00:50:31.440> serious 00:50:31.750 --> 00:50:31.760 align:start position:0% working. All right. So, I'm serious 00:50:31.760 --> 00:50:33.670 align:start position:0% working. All right. So, I'm serious about<00:50:31.920> the<00:50:32.160> the<00:50:32.319> next<00:50:32.559> time<00:50:32.800> you<00:50:33.440> I<00:50:33.599> don't<00:50:33.599> know 00:50:33.670 --> 00:50:33.680 align:start position:0% about the the next time you I don't know 00:50:33.680 --> 00:50:35.670 align:start position:0% about the the next time you I don't know when<00:50:33.839> you'll<00:50:34.000> see<00:50:34.160> me<00:50:34.319> again,<00:50:34.480> but<00:50:34.640> it's<00:50:34.720> like 00:50:35.670 --> 00:50:35.680 align:start position:0% when you'll see me again, but it's like 00:50:35.680 --> 00:50:36.870 align:start position:0% when you'll see me again, but it's like so<00:50:36.000> satisfying. 00:50:36.870 --> 00:50:36.880 align:start position:0% so satisfying. 00:50:36.880 --> 00:50:38.150 align:start position:0% so satisfying. >> Please<00:50:37.119> go. 00:50:38.150 --> 00:50:38.160 align:start position:0% >> Please go. 00:50:38.160 --> 00:50:39.750 align:start position:0% >> Please go. >> Thank<00:50:38.400> you.<00:50:38.720> See<00:50:38.800> you<00:50:39.040> next<00:50:39.200> time.<00:50:39.440> See<00:50:39.599> you 00:50:39.750 --> 00:50:39.760 align:start position:0% >> Thank you. See you next time. See you 00:50:39.760 --> 00:50:45.650 align:start position:0% >> Thank you. See you next time. See you next<00:50:39.920> time. 00:50:45.650 --> 00:50:45.660 align:start position:0% 00:50:45.660 --> 00:50:48.770 align:start position:0% [Music]