[0:01]
I'm sure that when you first see me a couple thoughts go through your head she gonna brush your hair and she wash your face or brush your teeth is that a guy or a girl does she know she looks that bad yep I do I do and I don't care and here's why I'm gonna be 48 next week and for 40 years of my life I was the girl you see in my profile picture which I just haven't changed yet I'm going to update it I was the girl who spent two to three hours every day grooming in the bathroom 
[0:35]
checking my hair checking my lipstick thinking about my outfits I was always wearing something that was too tight and too cold I was always hungry because I didn't eat because looking good was the most important thing to me I got contact lenses when I was 16 and I never wore my glasses in public ever again how I looked and how people perceived me was my No. 1 thought every single day 
[1:06]
and not only did it take a lot of energy a lot of time a lot of thought it took a lot of money when I look back at the amount of money that I have spent on hair and makeup and nails and clothes and perfume and all of the things I could have had two houses I could have gone to Europe but instead I bought in to the idea that I was sold from being a very young girl that I should be Erica Kane 
[1:36]
I should look good I should smell good I should be at the top of my career my house should be spotless and I tried for all those things for a really until long time you know what I ended up tired tired and sick and angry and poor so one day a couple of years ago I stopped doing it it's one day I woke up and I just stopped doing it and then over time I became less and less groomed I wore makeup less and less than a couple of months ago I just went in the bathroom and cut my hair off 
[2:07]
because it has been long my entire life and it's been a hard struggle looking at myself in the mirror because I don't recognize this person I look like my mother let's be honest I look like my mother I sound like her too that's not a good thing for me but I need to come to terms with this is who I am my power does not come from how I look I can go back to looking like that person and now that I'm coming through I'm starting to wear some makeup again I'm redefining my style but when I see myself looking like this with my little hair flooping 
[2:40]
it just makes me laugh it reminds me of who I was when I was a kid it reminds me of who I was when I was happy and carefree and didn't care about the gaze of men didn't care about what other women were thinking about me so that's what I really embraced and yes over time you're probably gonna see me go a little bit back further towards that femme presenting that I had before because it's a familiar look um and it's it's safe for me but I'm also very okay like this I'm very okay that I rolled out of bed 
[3:11]
and now I'm talking to my phone in my backyard drinking a cup of tea it's a great day it's a great day whether I have makeup on or not and I hope that you can do the same journey and realize that your flippy hair is just fun it's just hair it doesn't change who you are have a great day