I'm sure that when you first see me
a couple thoughts go through your head
she gonna brush your hair and she wash your face or brush your teeth
is that a guy or a girl does she know she looks that bad
yep I do
I do and I don't care
and here's why I'm gonna be 48 next week
and for 40 years of my life
I was the girl you see in my profile picture
which I just haven't changed yet
I'm going to update it
I was the girl who spent two to three hours every day grooming in the bathroom
checking my hair checking my lipstick
thinking about my outfits
I was always wearing something that was too tight and too cold
I was always hungry because I didn't eat
because looking good was the most important thing to me
I got contact lenses when I was 16
and I never wore my glasses in public ever again
how I looked and how people perceived me was my No. 1 thought every single day
and not only did it take a lot of energy
a lot of time a lot of thought
it took a lot of money
when I look back at the amount of money that I have spent on hair and makeup
and nails and clothes and perfume
and all of the things I could have had two houses
I could have gone to Europe
but instead I bought in to the idea
that I was sold from being a very young girl that I should be Erica Kane
I should look good I should smell good
I should be at the top of my career
my house should be spotless
and I tried for all those things for a really until long time
you know what I ended up tired
tired and sick and angry and poor
so one day a couple of years ago
I stopped doing it it's one day I woke up and I just stopped doing it
and then over time I became less and less groomed
I wore makeup less and less than a couple of months ago
I just went in the bathroom and cut my hair off
because it has been long my entire life
and it's been a hard struggle looking at myself in the mirror
because I don't recognize this person
I look like my mother let's be honest
I look like my mother I sound like her too
that's not a good thing for me
but I need to come to terms with this is who I am
my power does not come from how I look
I can go back to looking like that person
and now that I'm coming through
I'm starting to wear some makeup again
I'm redefining my style
but when I see myself looking like this with my little hair flooping
it just makes me laugh it reminds me of who I was when I was a kid
it reminds me of who I was when I was happy and carefree
and didn't care about the gaze of men
didn't care about what other women were thinking about me
so that's what I really embraced and yes
over time you're probably gonna see me go a little bit back
further towards that femme presenting that I had before
because it's a familiar look um
and it's it's safe for me but I'm also very okay like this
I'm very okay that I rolled out of bed
and now I'm talking to my phone in my backyard
drinking a cup of tea it's a great day
it's a great day whether I have makeup on or not
and I hope that you can do the same journey
and realize that your flippy hair is just fun
it's just hair it doesn't change who you are have a great day