in 2016 I performed at SXSW
and a man asked me “what kind of dr00gas do you do”
and when I asked him “why?” he said
“because you might get invited to a party or studio session
where they're doing something harder than what you're doing
and you gotta say yes” I said
“why I gotta say yes?” he's like
“because you don't want them to not invite you no more
for them to kick you out the session or the party”
I've been invited to a lot of studio sessions
and there are two times that I've been invited out that stick out the most to me
for context when I used to get invited to do studio sessions
I was always pressured to drink
I was always pressured to 💨
I was always pressured to do dr00gas
and I would always decline and even in declining
like then the studio session would get cut short
my verse would get deleted
whatever it would just be what it is
((it was usually cause I was eating up the rappers
and they was feeling jealous about it))
but mostly because I was saying no to a lot of stuff
the two nights that stick out to me
are when I attended a studio session with my friend
who got invited out by a handler of a really important rapper
if you don't know what a handler is
a handler is basically the person that does the recruiting for the artist
whether they're recruiting the girls
the dr00gas whatever they do
the recruiting we go to this studio session
and when we come in half the girls in the room are passed out
and sometimes a dude will come out of a recording studio
grab a girl by her hand and take her into a back room
and me not wanting to be pulled into a back room
I was like let me just go in the kitchen and make some coffee
cause it is like 3:30 in the morning
the rapper himself who the studio session for
wasn't even drunk or inebriated
really seemed pretty coherent
the handler though
followed me on Snapchat and started messaging me like as time went on
and either it would be just regular conversation
or he'd invite me to a party or a concert
and I was thinking about that studio session being like dang
All them girls passed out I ain't trying to be that
but he seems cool he seems friendly
so let me try to see if maybe we can just be friends
and I can still get invited to stuff 😂
without having to be of service in that way
so he invited me out to a party one night
and my sister was supposed to come with me
But she got tied up in a networking event
so when I go I pull up
I park on the street and it's a bunch of houses
and they all look the same
and he meets me in the parking lot
when we walk in
it's nobody on the first floor
with the exception of him and another man
sitting in the corner and sitting in the dark
and he immediately offers me a drink
now I'm nervous cause I'm like one
I ain't see you open that bottle
I didn’t see you open that bottle
but something is telling me not to take this drink
I didn't say that but I was like
oh no
I already drank oh
Ooh oh
I'm so lit I was just trying to play it off
because I really didn't wanna drink whatever he was about to give me
but at the same time we're having this conversation
I can hear something going on upstairs
and it's not just one room
it's the entirety of the upper floor
something's happening up there
there's no music playing so off top I’m like
this Ain't a party
but there's something happening in multiple rooms on the upper floor
and I can hear it
the dude was typically very warm
even that first night when I met him
he was basically very chill
very warm but on this night he was really cold
and calculating and it made me uncomfortable
so I was like oh
you know what I got a bottle in the car
we can crack that open wooty wooty woo
I'll be right back so I kind of tiptoe out and I close the door behind me
and then I hear the door open behind me
I glance over my shoulder and he's following me out
and I was like oh no
I got it I’m good I'll be right back
I'll be right be right back
so I start kind of walking a little bit faster
like a little bit of a trot
and I hear his steps picking up
so I basically just run to my car and dip out
cause I'm like
I'd rather be wrong about being chased than be right about being chased
I think about those two nights
and I think about all the many studio sessions that I attended
and I'm like
people wanna be famous people wanna be stars
but nobody is expecting to be violated in the process
and there's so much discourse going on
obviously on a lot of mindless platforms
but so much discourse going on
that's blaming the victims of what happened at these diddy parties
very much being like you knew what you was getting yourself into and blah blah
blah some people are not as hyper vigilant as I was and still am
I don't say yes to everything that's handed to me
I don't accept all drinks like that
just I've never been that person
but some people just go to a party expecting to have a good time
they're not expecting to be violated
and as an autistic person
I also think it's weird how many people forget how demanding social norms are
social norms require way more yeses
Than no’s the expectation in normal social situations is to say yes
and to be down and be the fun person
so you got people who said yes to parties and said yes to fun
but they didn't say yes to violence
and they're getting blamed for the violence
they didn't consent to the violence
they weren't coherent for
you can't consent if you're not conscious or sober
I don't know I just
I find this Diddy situation to be very heartbreaking
and I'm really sad for the victims
because so many people are blaming them
and not the person who applied the pressure