(liquid sloshing) - Ah.
You know what? Just give me a card for Valentine's Day.
It's fine. Just a simple card.
Like nothing fancy. or, you know what?
Just like make me a card. Craft one.
It shows your consideration when you craft a card.
Just get like a piece of paper and write me a love letter.
Do you remember the love letters
that we used to write each other?
The art of love letters is lost.
- It is. - And if you.
- It is lost. - You just write.
You know what I want from Valentine's Day?
Your feelings expressed to me in a letter.
And you can tell me like, not only why you love me,
but like where you see us in five years.
(Kim laughing) - Okay. I'm ready for my gift.
I'm so surprised.
Oh, a handwritten card.
On paper you got from the printer in Sharpie.
Did you use a Sharpie
on an unprotected counter in our house?
So you did exactly what I asked and absolutely nothing more.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm just gonna put this in the scrapbook.
I'll be right back. (paper crinkling)
(Kim laughing)
Oh, my gosh, honey, do not buy me flowers.
They're like $132 for like seven flowers
and some baby's breath.
You do not need to spend money on flowers.
We could spend it on so many other more important things
like water bottles.
- [Kim] Why do you tilt your head back
when you're drinking out of a straw?
- Oh, wait, hang on. (Kim laughing)
You're right. (Penn sipping)
(Kim laughing) Is that better?
- Yes. - Yeah. Okay.
We don't have to be that couple
that just always shows each other how much
they love each other by putting things on credit cards.
(doorbell ringing) Oh, the doorbell.
Did someone get me flowers even though
I told them they didn't have to.
I knew you'd get me something
better than that stupid ladder.
Ah. Oh, hm, that's not flowers.
It's just the dog supplements that I ordered.
The stuff that I do 'cause I do most things here.
Oh, look, there's a delivery truck.
Oh, Paul got Susan a really nice arrangement of flowers.
Yeah, no, no, it's fine.
No, I, no, I know I said that,
but do you remember when you just bought me
that ridiculous bouquet that had a teddy bear
in it, and it was like six feet tall
and had a trampoline underneath it?
Fricking Susan. Of course she gets (censored) flowers.
It's fine. It's fine.
Our love doesn't need really nice,
oh, these are nice flowers.
We do not need to go out to dinner on Valentine's Day.
First of all, it's a school night, and mama needs her sleep.
Second of all, the crowds. No, thank you.
Thirdly of all, like Valentine's Day,
it's the day for like people who've just started
to date, and it's so obvious.
You make the best frittatas.
Why don't you just make me a Valentine's frittata?
Wait, no, the price of eggs is ridiculous.
The frittata would cost $600. Don't make me a frittata.
Make me toast. Just Valentine's toast.
And we'll eat, like I love toast.
(Kim laughing) - Oh, ah, oh.
This is the full dinner?
This is all that we made for me and you,
and we do have a family, so we're staying in,
and we're eating two pieces of bread.
It's fine. I know that's what you said.
It's just it because like, we need food.
So I'm just, you know, no big deal.
But, as usual, I'm going to make dinner.
Just going to, we've got some frozen chicken breasts.
Put it in the Instant Pot like that, and I'm just gonna,
you know, I just need like 15 minutes.
If it's okay, your wife is gonna make dinner.
I know this is what I asked for.
It's fine. (Instant Pot clattering)
Fine. (Kim laughing)
This is gonna sound so hokey, but you know what
would be great for Valentine's Day?
Just a nice foot massage on the couch.
All you'd have to do is just make me
like a little homemade coupon that just says, "Free."
- [Kim] Coupon?
- Coupon or coupon, however you say it.
This is your best stuff. This is your A game foot massage?
Are you just like specifically working the bone?
(Kim laughing) It's really thumby.
Like a lot of thumbs. Maybe use both hands.
Using both hands is great.
You're using one hand, and you're watching
college basketball, and it's very thumby.
(both clapping) - Scene.
See, I am so low maintenance.
I am so low maintenance for Valentine's Day.
I don't want anything until the day comes.
And then I'm like, "Why didn't you get me anything?
Why aren't we going out to dinner?"
But every year I do this.
I'm like, "Don't spend the money. Don't do that."
And then freaking Susan gets flowers, and I'm like,
"Where are my, where's my love?"
- I want to mention also that this
was entirely written by my wife.
- Hi, it's me. I'm the problem.
- I don't disagree with.
- He's trying to be so careful right now.
- Well, you like, listen, I, you don't really openly say it.
You say it with your eyes. Like you have a thing.
- Just get me a card. - Yeah.
- But, seriously, don't get me anything.
Do you exchange gifts on Valentine's Day?
And if you don't, tell me how
you're not passive agressive about it.
Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day. Bye.
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