hi guys welcome or welcome back I'm Anna
Udin I'm a doctor of Clinical Psychology
and an author and today I have kind of a
strange topic for the occasion of
Valentine's Day I thought I would talk a
little bit about dating apps so I have
made a video on dating apps in the past
I probably unlisted it since I get
self-conscious about videos that are a
couple years back but I was thinking I
should do a revamp of the research on
dating apps and I was looking through a
critical analysis of all the research
which if you don't know those typically
summarize and assess dozens of different
research articles on a specific topic
and I was jotting down my notes I was
thinking okay how can I talk about this
on YouTube and then it occurred to me
this critical analysis would actually be
really helpful specifically to get
people to understand how they can use
dating apps in a way that maximizes
their chances of finding love so it's
today I'm going to be telling you how I
would use dating apps in the year 2024
if I were looking for love on dating
apps and if you know me you know I am
very very happily married so that is not
the case but I thought if this is
helpful for any of you before we get
into that I just just want to tell you I
have a big Valentine's Day sale on all
of my products so you can get the paper
packs of my journaling workbooks for 40%
off is previously $4.99 now it's $8.99
as for my novel the lowest that Amazon
will let me price it is $1.59 so that is
definitely the lowest that it is ever
going to be I also have a promo code for
my course where you can find four plus
hours lessons exercises journaling
prompts and so forth on how to improve
your relational life so the code for
that is vday sale all of these links
will be in the description all right so
the structure of this video is going to
be as follows first I'm going to talk a
little bit about understanding people's
motives on dating apps and how to use
that to figure out who has the same
motive as you of basically finding love
finding a relationship then I'm going to
talk about how I would try to put my
best foot forward in terms of concrete
things I would include on the dating app
like photos and bio and things of that
sort and then I would talk about how I
would try to turn a match into our
relationship so let's get into
it
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so motives you have to first and
foremost understand people's motives on
dating apps the research has shown that
there are a few different types of
motives that people have on dating apps
it actually isn't that everyone wants
something casual like we tend to assume
about dating apps some of course do want
casual relationships some do also want
love many just want a little excitement
and someone to communicate easily with
in their day-to-day life the sort of
offset feelings of boredom and
loneliness I think we are all noticing
that we live in a very lonely Society
where it's very difficult to feel
connected with other people and dating
apps are a really simple way to get some
of that connection kick you know it's so
simple you just download an app put some
photos on there and then you are in
contact with dozens and dozens of people
some people also want self- validation
so there are some people who go on these
apps just to get a bunch of matches and
a bunch of responses maybe even to chat
with people in a way that validates
their self-esteem they're not
necessarily looking for connection
they're not looking for something
serious they're not looking for
something casual they just want a little
kick of their ego so this article that I
talked about this critical analysis said
that up to 70% say they are not on these
dating apps just for sex women tend to
use dating apps more for friendship and
for self- validation while men tend to
use it more for sex and relationships
men also tend to use them more for
casual relationships sexual minorities
also tend to be more in search for
something casual people who have dark
Triad personalities melanism psychopathy
narcissism particularly the first two
studies show that they use these apps
more for something casual and to acquire
social or flirting skills so given these
different motivations on dating apps How
would would I know if somebody is likely
looking for love versus any of the other
things that I mentioned the first thing
is that I would pay attention to how
responsive they are if somebody is not
responsive at all or doesn't really seem
to be putting much effort into the
communication then they're probably
there for validation right they swiped
on you they clearly thought you're
attractive they're on a dating app but
they're not pursuing it further there's
a good chance that they just want that
kick of ooh I'm wanted somebody who's
interested in a relationship is also
probably going to ask you about yourself
about your history about your current
life because they are trying to build an
intimate connection with someone they
might want to increase intimacy by
taking things off the app and texting on
the phone calling on the phone
FaceTiming going on a date you know
they're not going to just stay on the
app forever and just keep it that way
they're going to want to actually see
you in person I would also pay attention
to what they have on their profile
things that indicate a person might not
be looking for love is if their profile
is all very appearance related very
sexual where it's clear that they're
flaunting their body or they're not
really showing much of their personality
there's a good chance they're not there
for love they might be there for
something more casual or again for just
that excitement and validation similarly
if they don't have a lot of personalized
information in their bio it might show
like Oh I thought that my photos could
just speak for themselves I'm just
looking for something physical I'm not
actually on here trying to get to know
other people and trying to have other
people get to know me sometimes people
will also flat out say in their bio not
looking for anything serious or uh in a
relationship or things like that so
obviously that is a big giveaway that uh
this person is probably not here for
love you know I often talk about how
everything that we do on social media is
a mirror for what we do in real life in
real life if someone were ignoring you
when you talk to them were completely
just focused on their looks and weren't
telling you about who they are as a
person asking you about you as a person
if they weren't actually trying to
arrange a date then you would probably
get the message very quickly that okay
this person is not genuinely interested
in dating me it's the same on social
media it's the same on dating apps if
you're ever struggling to make sense of
signs technologically like you're kind
of struggling to understand what someone
means on social media just ask yourself
what would be the equivalent of this in
real life and if it were in real life
what would I do would I continue to
engage with this person or would I say
huh this person doesn't seem to be into
me now how I would put my best foot
forward to maximize my chances of Love
on these apps well it's been a long time
since I've ever been on dating apps but
last time I checked there was like an
age range and a geographical range so
something that I would definitely not do
is stretch that out too far to the point
where I wouldn't actually date the
people in those ranges you know if
you're 23 for instance and you put your
age range to be you know 18 to 40 if you
wouldn't actually date an 18-year-old or
a 40-year-old and don't make that your
age range don't come at it from a place
of scarcity or greed of like wanting as
many matches as possible think about
okay who would I actually see myself
ending up with and then decide based on
that similarly geographical location is
super important one of the biggest
predictors of Love is proximity because
who we are in closer proximity with like
physically geographically we're more
likely to see more often and the more we
see someone the more of a positive
impression we have of them I talk about
this in the connection course that this
is why people tend to be really good
friends with their roommates their
neighbors they tend to date people who
live in a certain neighborhood as them
or at least a certain city because the
more opportunities you have to interact
with person the easier it is to interact
with these people the more you're going
to have a connection with them probably
of course there are exceptions I'm sure
there are people who are going to rush
to the comments to tell me about their
longdistance relationship I get it I've
been in one too I'm talking about
General Trends so that's one thing I
wouldn't go too far out in terms of AG
range and I wouldn't go too far out in
terms of geographical location might not
even include suburbs for instance
because I know I'm probably not going to
want to drive 30 minutes back and forth
for a date second thing about how I
would put my best foot forward is I
would be smart about understanding
respectability politics some people are
going to get mad at me for this but I do
think there's something to be said about
keeping in mind the sorts of biases and
prejudices that people are going to have
about you based on the way that you
present yourself women in particular if
you're dating men you need to be very
aware that a lot of men will categorize
women's respectability based on very
mundane things like what they wear how
they look the types of photos that they
post and I used to be the type of person
to think well that you know if
somebody's going to judge me for the way
that I look then I don't want that
person in my life anyway but the more
I've grown up the more I've realized
that even the best of us can't really
outrun the biases that are drilled into
us we might still respect someone treat
them respectfully but on some level if
there are certain signals that we have
internalized are not respectable we
might put them them in a different tier
than other signals so regardless of
gender I think if you're portraying
yourself in a very sexual way on these
dating apps that's going to attract
mainly casual sort of energy it's
probably going to signal to people I'm
not really sure for something very
serious I'm looking just to have fun or
to experience pleasure the other day I
was on a ski Gondola and there was this
group of guys who were all wearing suits
down the slopes and me and my family
were looking at them and we're like wow
like that's so cool you know they're
matching it looks funny when they're all
skiing or snowboarding down in their
suits when I tell you the second they
started talking in the gondola I was so
annoyed there was one of them that was
saying something along the lines of uh
oh I went to this wedding and there were
a lot of really respectable women um and
I'm not really looking for a respectable
woman if you know what I
mean and then he went into actually
talking about how when he's on dating
apps he will specifically look for women
who are not respectable because he's
presumably looking for something casual
and this actually connects to what I
found in this article which is that
women tend to look for men who are more
educated on these apps and men tend to
look for women who are less educated and
I wonder if that's related I wonder if
on some level men feel like the less
educated a woman is the less respectable
she is so you got to be realistic about
the way that people are going to
perceive you and if you want to play
this strategically and maximize your
chances of finding the right person for
you then you might want to portray
yourself in ways that are societally
respectable what does this mean
concretely I would select flattering
photos where you look cute or handsome
or pretty or beautiful but not overtly
sexual you know I wouldn't go for an
energy that's like a sexy photo I might
show a photo of me wearing maybe a
cocktail dress maybe form-fitting jeans
maybe a flowy skirt some makeup but not
too much for men I might go with a nice
shirt or a button- down tailored pants
and regardless of gender I would
absolutely recommend smiling looking
friendly looking happy I do think I
would include photos of my social life
but I used to see this all the time
please don't just include photos of you
with other people especially if they're
significantly more attractive than you
because it is very obvious to people
when you are posing with an attractive
friend as a way to sort of trick people
into thinking that you are that
attractive friend it seems insecure and
honestly it's like borderline catf fishy
so own what you got and don't worry
about the rest and if you're going to
show your social life I would recommend
showing settings where you're you know
with other people like at a party at a
popup traveling Etc um maybe like one or
two photos of you with some friends or
with a friend but definitely not all of
them and definitely don't try to trick
people into thinking that you're more
attractive based on the people that
you're with some things that I would try
to avoid no fish men please I don't
understand what's with the fish photos I
don't understand so many men do this and
a lot of women are baffled by it no Rave
outfits no mirror selfies no gym selfies
no topless or bikini pictures like I
don't make up the rules I'm not saying
the rules should be like this but I'm
saying if you want to play the
respectability politics game these are
probably some things you might want to
consider something else that's really
important I would really make sure to
evoke your personality and your hobbies
in the photos so like if you like hiking
if you like traveling or swimming show
photos of you in those settings doing
those things it's kind of a conversation
starter um if you're a student you know
showing you on a campus quad if you love
pets show a photo of you with your pets
if you like exploring and having good
food and drinks maybe a photo of you at
Christmas popup the setting should
provide context not just you you know if
it's just a beautiful headshot of you
then it's like okay this person is
beautiful but who are they I don't
really know much about them now as for
the bio I would try to strike a good
balance not too long not too short don't
put too much effort into it but don't
put too little effort into it not too
too quirky where you're trying to be
funny and light but also not too
aggressive where you're like laying down
the law I've seen some crazy Tinder bios
in um there's the series that Cody Co
and his wife do reacting to some of
these Tinder profiles so good so good I
highly recommend there are some madeup
examples of bad bios not looking for
anything casual if you are swipe left I
don't do coffee dates sober vegan okay
why I don't love this one it's very
blunt and kind of aggressive it it tells
people what you are and aren't looking
for but some people might be so off-put
by your tone that they're actually going
to troll you there's a gentler way to
say this like one of my friends I think
she put in her bio one time I'm looking
for my wife which is like it's silly
it's blunt it's much less aggressive
than saying if you want something casual
then swipe left I also think it's kind
of tricky to strike a balance between
speaking about the things that are
important to you and not just listing
off identities that don't mean much on
their own for instance just listing so
vegan plant-based a therapist Etc you
know like all these things they yeah
they paint a picture about who you are
but you're more than your identities
you're more than just these labels
another example of a bio I wouldn't
recommend 21 years old Fort
Lauderdale it's so simple and has so
little effort put into it that it makes
me feel like this person isn't truly
looking for love here they're not truly
looking for connection because I don't
know anything about them based on this
and here's a third example of one I
would not recommend looking for Borat
voice my wife I was born in California
but I've lived in Washington for the
past seven years when I enrolled in the
military don't worry I'm not like those
other guys I'm a cool calm collected guy
message me if you want to learn more the
reason I don't like this one is it seems
like it's trying too hard to be quirky
and funny to the point where it's like a
little off-putting so maybe like tone
down the energy a little bit and trim it
down so what do you want to put in your
bio here are some questions that might
help you figure it out what are your
values and where do you practice those
values for instance if you are a health
nut you probably shop at Whole Foods go
to the gym go to the sauna cold plunge
Etc so those are things you might want
to mention you know you might want to
talk about on Saturdays I do the Sonic
cult plunge and have what do healthy
people eats bone broth soup where it's
very clear to the other person what your
values are another question what do you
like to do you know we're not talking
about big values here just talking about
the little things little details can
also be very evocative about who you are
as a person like if you like certain
food certain music certain places to
travel certain books TV lifestyle Etc
contrasts make up who you are I like
this one because people sometimes aren't
very contrasted so when they do meet
someone who's a person of contrast like
say for instance uh a Christian who's
also very open-minded people are going
to feel intrigued by that they're going
to want to know more they're going to
want to ask you questions people love to
be around those who are contrasted who
kind of keep you on your toes you can't
quite guess
um where they stand on certain things
and so if there is something about you
that contrasts I would try to find a way
to evoke that another question what do
you want people to ask you about for
instance if you really love writing but
there's nothing about you loving writing
or books and or any of that on your
profile people are probably not going to
know to ask you about it but if you have
something on there like I read 200 books
this year someone might say oh my God
how did you do that and then you start a
conversation about how you're a writer
and I think the key with bios is
actually you do kind of have to be a
good writer because you have to show not
tell you can't just list off who you are
or go into this big paragraph of Pros
about who you are you have to leave
little Snippets here little Snippets
here little details about you that draw
people to want to ask more about you
they leave room for questions but not so
much room that they don't know what to
ask you about that they don't know
anything about you does that make sense
so here's an example of what a good bio
might look like Romanian American
therapist and writer I love hiking
traveling reading and waking up in
unfortunate hours so kind of poked a
little bit of fun in myself basically
outed myself as one of those people that
wakes up at 6:00 a.m. naturally um
there's humor there's values there's
specific details a little bit of my
identities but not too much where it
feels like I'm just listing off things
it's just the important stuff lastly how
would I turn A Match Into Love I think
it starts right when you start swiping I
would swipe right very strategically I
would consistently ask myself I saw this
person out at a bar and they came up to
me and asked me if I want to go out on a
date would I want to say yes or no and
the truth is there are certain things
that you just can't tell in person
versus online that if you could see them
in person your answer might be different
but remember what I said everything that
happens online is basically just a
reflection of everything that happens in
real life don't do anything online that
you wouldn't do in real life so in the
context of dating apps that means don't
swipe right on people you wouldn't
actually want to date and then after
that you know say hi or wait for them to
to say hi this is where match plus one
comes in really handy um I have a video
on Match plus one the skill to sort of
deepen intimacy while assessing if the
other person is reciprocating match plus
one is also in the connection course I
would definitely want to assess for
safety uh and this isn't like a how to
guide but I feel like I'm pretty good
about feeling out whether they are red
flags about people whether they're being
aggressive or coercive or rude or
disrespectful because if someone doesn't
respect you then they're probably not
going to care about your safety either I
would try to assess values alignment so
trying to see do I like this person do I
stand for what they stand for or does
there seem to be a really big values
Clash because as we know from the
research people don't need to have
exactly the same beliefs to be together
but they do need to have the same values
if there's a values clash in a
relationship that's going to be very
long-term issue that probably can't get
solved and here's another thing I would
assess attachment
style so the research Arch shows that
people who are on dating apps tend to be
more anxious and avoidant in their
attachment style and that's not really
what you want you want to have a pool of
largely secure attachment style people
but it makes sense that people on dating
apps might not be so warning signs that
someone has an anxious attachment style
might be very fast and frequent
responses they get distressed if you
don't immediately respond they might
double triple quadruple text you
instantly want a date without getting to
know you at all they might be very
complimentary or seem to really like you
again before actually knowing who you
are what you stand for someone with
avoidant attachment style might be not
very responsive at all takes hours or
days to to respond every single time or
just flat out doesn't respond and just
never seems to want to take it to the
next step or if you suggest hey do you
want to talk on the phone they might say
yeah and then they never follow up
versus someone with a secure attachment
style responds when they're available
okay so they don't respond if they're
not available they don't respond if
they're at work or they're out with
friends or whatever they're also not
playing games you know they're not
trying to prolong how long they're
responding to you and they're not
forgetting about you completely they
respond with variation you know somebody
that has a secure attachment style who
responds when they have a chance there's
going to be some variation sometimes
they're going to respond every 2 minutes
sometimes they're going to respond maybe
every 7 hours they're going to be open
to meeting up but not desperate they're
going to want to get to know a little
bit about you and maybe after a few days
or a week or so they're want to boost
the intimacy I have a chapter on
attachment style in the connection
course as well by the way you might also
want to just flat out ask people what
they're looking for on these apps I
think sometimes people are scared to do
that cuz they're scared of like pushing
that person away but here's the thing
someone gets scared Away by a simple
question of what are you looking for
then they're probably not looking for
love or they haven't avoid an attachment
style or they're going to get scared
away at some point anyway so why not
make it early on when you can cut your
losses so signs that someone is probably
not looking for love when you ask this
question question is they might say
something casual play it by ear just
have fun oh I just got out of a serious
relationship so I'm not sure probably
not looking for love a person who is
looking for love will not be scared that
you will get clingy if they admit that
if they're scared of you latching on to
them if they admit they want a
relationship then they're probably
avoidant then they probably aren't
really ready for a relationship and then
once you've assessed okay this person is
safe they seem like they're compatible
they tell me they want the same thing as
me escalate you know talk to them on the
phone I think if I were looking for love
in this era of my life I would totally
want to FaceTime first to get a sense
for a person's body language their tone
to make sure that they actually are who
they say they are talking on the phone
can help too but again you can't really
assess if someone's catfishing you that
way and if you don't get any red flags
if it's a nice lovely conversation then
meet up with them somewhere safe
somewhere public don't let them pick you
up because that is so dangerous for
someone that you don't know I would let
a close friend of yours just know where
you're going when the information of
that person you know like phone number
photos name all of that because even if
they're lying if something does happen
God forbid that's important to know
someone needs to have that information
so that's what I would do if I were on
dating apps I'm not saying that's what
you have to do but I hope that this
helped you in one way or another don't
forget about the vday sale I hope that
you have a lovely lovely day and I'll
see you
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soon
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